My husband wrote me this letter explaining his request for a divorce...

[br0kkenn_glass]

My husband is in prison. I'll start by saying that. 10 years ago he committed an armed bank robbery. Needless to say, we got married AFTER he went to prison. We are truly the most beautiful friends. But both of us have intimacy issues.

 

I recently moved back to Texas, about 90 miles from where my husband is completing his prison term. We are desperately in love with each other. But we dont' communicate this well at all.

 

I don't have any family, and have 2 daughters. I have struggled TREMENDOUSLY trying to get on my feet. Living in a motel, finallky getting an apartment. And still have zero furniture. I don't know a soul anywhere except work. It's been hell on earth because before this I was going to school ft to finish my RN and working ft. I've been trying to communicate that I just need to hear that I'm loved. he'll say those words, but not give me the effluence I've been desperate for.

 

I finally snapped at him. I cussed him pretty bad. I come home from work sobbing uncontrollably. and wake up and start crying because I'm so exhausted I just don't want to go on anymore.

 

After I snapped at him, he responded by telling me that he wants a divorce. He's NEVER EVER said anything like that. He has pulled away in the past. but never walked away so abruptly.

 

He says it's non-negotiable. So I responded by telling him to go in peace. and that while it tore me apart, I wanted his happiness more than I wanted my own. my only request was to wait to divorce me until he was out of prison. (I didn't tell him that I was hoping that the waiting time I asked for was with the hope that we could reconcile). He wrote back, and responded with this:

 

dear m,

at this point you probably believe certain things about me including that I am a liar, soulless, cold or various other things youv'e labled me in the past. My heart is broken too though. hearing you on the phone several nights ago brought me to tears. Neither of us could be human if we did not hurt during

 

obviously, you feel the totality of the blame in this. but the burden is mine as well. we share this. you asked me why I married you? the obvious answer is love. but that reduces things too much. love is not always enough. whenyou moved back to texas, close to me, and visited when it wasn't convenient, you did that without commitment from me, of your own volition.

 

Something happened. You were bewitching, funny, disarming and it felt like a progression. A natural one. That progression seemed to wipe from my memory some of the underlying dysfunction that was obviously there on both of our behalves on multiple levels. At some point along the way I was convinced that maybe if we entered into a more long term commitment that some of your insecurity and my intimacy issues might dissipate over time. Also, it felt like an inherent extension of our friendship.

ultimately, nothing ch anged except that in yoru constant fear of doing too much or too little that even the fulfilling part of our friendship had vanished. This is not something that can be fixed. The momentary perfection cannot be contrived.

 

I know deep within my heart of hearts that even though I love you, your momentary bouts of negativity and hurtfulness will continue to hurt me. Honestly I believe that you are tsill very resentful of me for various actions on my part in our history together that you believe are selfish. due to my immaturity, this marriage was built on a mountain of underlying issues and dyfuction that I ignored because we were such good friends.

 

You have induced an awakening to my mistakes in trying to ignore some aspects of our relationship in an effort to give both of us something better. But it doens't work that way. And it's better if I take initiative after telling these things within our lives to be honest about how things stand no rather than continue on and have children or a home and become infinitely more complicated and difficult.

after much reflection we were both wrong to enter into a commitment such as this with all the underlying issues we both bring to the table. it is clear to me that this would fail either now, or more painfully later.

 

my biggest hope is through all of this that we will find strength and profundity to right our lives on both sides. it is apparent to me how much I have left to grow. I still find myself immature, selfish, prideful and vacilating after decisions are made on a regular basis. in many ways i am still a cowardly boy who refuses to grow up. it is my fault that you are heart broken and that is my burden to bear. i have failed you but you have failed me too.

 

time is the one constant healer. while our marriage is going to end, my hope is that our friendship won't. when you become lost, it is best to go back to the begnning and start there. this is not an attempt to abandon you. in the past we tried to carry on this hybrid type relationship in which to have me around you are content to be whatever it is that you think I want, and the juvenile in me allowed it. Regardless of yoru concepts of love and your willingness to be used, the acceptance of that by me was irresponsible, immoral and vain. For that I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart

From this moment on, I am proposing that we start an honest, pure, balanced friendship.

friends and family are the most imporatnt things in life. if we can put our past transgressions and issues toward each other aside and wipe the slate clean, you will still be one of my best friends. Chris and I agree, and I believe that I may speak for my family as well, that we would continue to welcome you and your girls as part of our family and friends as well. you would still have a family and possess a love of family and friends that would free you from the prison you've lived in your whole life. It's going to take some time, but the ball will be in your court. If you choose to accept this proposal, out of respect for you from this point on I would never bring something to our relationship as friends that would lead you to believe that I wanted something more and I would ask the same of you.

It would be my honor to continue to write to the girls as well. that would be pretty cool. Obviously things will take some time. M- of course we can wait on the divorce until I'm released. I will take care of all of that when I get out. Also, I was asking you to please tell everyone that I'M THE son of a bitch that did this so you could save face

 

 

You will stay on my visitation list as my wife for the duration of my incarceration. If it would be easier on you, I don't mind if you continue to use my last name. It's not a problem. WAIT until we actually get divorced. Does that make sense? Obviously some time needs to pass for both of us. We are both hurting. But I would be happy if at some point we couuld become good enough friends again that we could still talk on the phone. write or visit. this would be part of you continuing on as the part of our circle of friends and family that was mentioned earlier. I want that. It will be up to you to accept what is offered. Just let some time pass and I will call to talk. I hope you find solace and peace within your heart. My own search for wisdom will continue.

 

WHAT DO I DO NOWWWWWWWWWW?!?!?!?!? I feel like I should just not respond. Losing him is the straw that's going to break the camel's back. I don't even understand what he's trying to say. He wants to divorce me but wants me to be a part of his family? WTF?!

Edited May 16, 2012 by br0kkenn_glass

[Tiera D]

1) armed robbery

 

2) convicted with 10 years prison

 

3) 2 daughters to raise

 

4) low income (even he returns i dont think he will get a good job)

 

I dont know about ur story,perhaps he is the most enchanting person to u..reality check he isnt worth the trouble,remember Armed Bank Robber!

 

TD

[br0kkenn_glass]

Lol...my husband makes more money in the oil fields in one week than I do as an RN in one month. Not that it pertains to this, but he was an army airborne

ranger. He snapped after coming home. And stood at a bank holding 1 bag with $500 in it telling the atf that if they didn't kill him now, he would make everyone watch him die. After running a car head on into a tree before that didn't work. I'm not here to argue what he did. Or his worthiness to be loved. But thanks.

[Insanityshorse]

For what it's worth.....

 

Your husbands letter is incredibly thoughtful and rather precise. He has issues, and has come to terms with the fact that he cannot be in a marriage. Perhaps he never will be able to. It sounds as though you do too, and to be honest when a relationship between two people with clashing mentalities/issues (even if it's only one of the two of you) then it just won't work.... period. I think the only thing that you can really do is to grant him precisely what he has asked for and then decide what it is that is healthy for you. If that's being friends after some time, great. If it's not, then you have to walk away and be okay with it (after some time of course).

 

To put it in perspective my girlfriend and I just broke up about 3 weeks ago after a long, fully committed, totally communicative, loving relationship. We never fought and it really was wonderful. In the end however her own past caught up with us. She feels she cannot be in a relationship due to her own mental state of things. How can one fix that? I can't do it for her. I lost the love of my life because the timing was off and she had not processed her past hurts. Such is life, there are really only two options.... lay down and die, or keep on trucking.

 

I'm sure that doesn't help and I could have been more articulate, but I think that he is in a place mentally that it is not possible to be together. I hope you are strong enough to continue on because as much as it hurts to think about (and I do know that) it is more than likely the only option at this point.

[Alice2012]

Lol...my husband makes more money in the oil fields in one week than I do as an RN in one month.

 

Do the "oil fields" hire convicted felons?

[carhill]

Do the "oil fields" hire convicted felons?

Around here, yeah. Worked with a few over the decades. Mostly drug related. I worked in oilfield services for about a decade before starting my own business. Mainly pipe-fitting and boilers for steaming the fields, along with hydraulics. Tough crowd.

 

OP, sometimes you just have to say it's time to move on.

 

I drive by one of Cali's largest prisons a couple times a month and I know how devoted family members are. It's a culture. It used to make me angry as a young man that these women would prefer a felon to an honest, hard-working individual like myself but I made peace with it over the years. Do what you need to do for your family. Good luck.