husband depressed?

[kagomepeach]

Thank you to all who take the time to read my situation.

 

I have been married for seven years to my husband, we had a good relationship before we got married but have had sexual difficulties and many financial problems which has basically worn us both out to the point where I suffered a 8 month episode of anxiety disorder and my husband had to tend to me. We both lost our jobs right before the episode so that has not helped the situation either.

 

I finally feel got better and felt like we were pulling our way out of our problems when my husband announced

 

" I dont love you and I want to leave the country and find someone new" I honestly reacted how anyone would in a situation they werent expecting I was heartbroken and didn't see it coming. I always felt like me and my husband were on the same path, we talk daily and this decision felt abrupt. He uses every little thing I said wrong over the 7 years as justice for coming to this decision. I mean we all say hurtful things, but only he seems to remember those I told him but not those he said to me.

 

My husband says he is depressed because of his marriage with me. He hates his inlaws (my family) and he is negative about everything outside of the relationship too.

 

I understand why he is sad, I mean we have had a hard beginning, (no kids tho), and he has lost his job, all his money, and he hates the place he lives because he doesn't belong socially. I have had a anxiety issues which have dampened our lives---but I feel like I have been there for him as best as I can. He sleeps most of the day and doesn't want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. All he says is " Im Sick of my life"

 

I don't know if I should take what my husband says to heart or not. Is it the depression? Or has he actually stopped loving me? I don't have any family or friends to talk to about this and he refuses outside help, he says he simple doesnt care anymore.

 

What should I do? I have basically thus far told him I accept his decision and understand where he is coming from. I told him if he doesn't want to see me as a wife he can see me as a friend. I was so heartbroken and shocked I didn't know what else to say and didn't want to risk becoming cold to me for fear of an argument.

 

Any advice or anyone experience a similar situation?

 

Thank you kindly,

Kagome Peaches

[pteromom]

He needs to see a counselor... he does sound depressed.

 

You say he's lost his job and all his money, so HOW is he going to get to another country, and how is he going to live once he gets there? What is going to be resolved by him moving to another country? He can't escape himself.

 

I don't know what you can do if he refuses to go see someone. Do you think if you made an appointment for him and physically took him, that he'd go?

 

All you can do is keep him talking. Maybe he'll say something that makes him realize what he is feeling isn't normal.

[twostepsahead]

Your post reminds me a lot of some of the things I experienced in my marriage. I was with my ex for 25 years and we have two children. We had good times and bad times but the bad times eventually ended our marriage. In-law problems, ambivilance about the marriage, depression, some drinking contributed. Even when we had everything he found himself unhappy and confused the source of his unhappiness with our marriage. We have been apart for two years, he is with someone else, and he is still unhappy and now regretful. I don't think he will ever be happy. And he still says he loves me and always will....?

 

For years I thought counseling would help. Twice he started and quit after the second or third session. Anti-depressants were a disaster - he drank with them and everything negative became much worse - suicidal with an outburst that had my daughter and I flee from our home. Not like him at all. He had often been loving and supportive when not depressed.

 

You have no kids. Divorce hurts, but you get better. But you can't get there until you start. I delayed the process for 3 years after I knew that, without a significant change, I would leave after the kids graduated. We didn't get there. Which is probably a blessing. You can be quasi-unhappy for many many years.

 

I hate to advocate divorce, if there is a chance at it working you may want to try. Marriage has good times and bad times. But he has to want to. Otherwise all you can do is accept his decision and start healing. I recommend the book "Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" even if you don't have a choice in the matter. It helps you see what things are important in a relationship. And there are a lot of good books and websites on surviving divorce and rebuilding your life. Start thinking about what your life should look like, what a healthy relationship would look like. And know that you don't have to be in a relationship - it takes a while to get used to being alone but eventually you do and even come to appreciate having a drama-free life with freedom.

 

Good luck.

[ZacThomas]

I am completely in favor of pteromom. Your husband definitely needs a counselor as he is very much depressed. He is facing a tough time that's why he's behaving like this.