DorkiieLee Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Im just wondering now... Im in a long distance realtionship with someone and i love him a lot. He lives in California and i live in Minnesota. We met on a game and we became close and soon such and we became close. So we have never met in person before but we HAVE webcammed a couple of times. And if your going to say that its pretty much going downhill because we met on a game and it's long distance, then you dont have to bother reading on...because i dont care if most long distances like this dont work out, i just want to know if im thinking too much :[ We met on September 8th 2011 and we have been together for 8 months now. Ever since though, we have been skyping, calling eachother everyday and we never missed a day talking to eachother even though there is a 2 hour difference between us but we never missed a day. His dad took his phone because he broke his, but he always came on skype everynight to talk to me. Even during December when he had to go to Mexico, he did everything he could to get on skype. He borrowed his cousin's laptop, relatives computers, everything just to talk to me...He told me he loves me and we talking about getting married and everything[though of course, we are young. He's out of school but im still in it for about 2 more years] but basically, we love eachother a lot. That went on until around end of March/ beginning of April he got his phone back and we began talking on the phone and calling eachother and he didn't get on skype much anymore... He also got himself a job though it's night shift Thursday, Friday and Saturday... I know he's busy because he has a job, its late at night and he gets tired a lot...and i know he sleeps during the day and im never busy because im stuck with school so i have all the freetime in the world pretty much... But lately...everytime i call...he never picks up...I wait until 8-10 pm my time[which is 6-8pm his time] because i know he must be busy or sleeping during the day and i call him but he never usually picks up...its really rare for him to ever pick up my calls anymore... and when he calls..he doesn't call everyday anymore...Its fine not talking to him for a day and such now because he has a job and he is working hard to get into college and work to get money...but he doesn't ever seem to have the time for me anymore... And when he calls...he sounds just like himself to me, but he doesn't do what he use to do... Through the phone, he would always say he loves me and bring up about marrying me...and before saying goodbye and hanging up, he would always kiss me through the phone..but he doesn't do that anymore... I recently started texting him now too because he told me i could text him...but he rarely even replies to that... and when he replies, its not like before :[ Both me and him tend to use a lot of emotes [ :] / :c / >D / D< /etc ] but when he replies, its a simple answer, no emote, and it seems like hes always...what to say...not in a good mood? :[ am i just thinking to much? And plus..he told me that he loved to call me babe and he would always call me that through the phone even just when he didn't have anything to say. but he doesn't call me that anymore..rather, he doesn't even use my name at all... I love him a lot...i miss him a lot...but i feel like in a way, im getting annoying and is butting into his busy life...i try not to bug him and when hes' not working i try to call but he never picks up.. I know the times are different..i know he's more busy than me...i know pretty much that i just have too much free time...but am i thinking too much just because he doesn't talk like he use to, call me as much anymore and everything? :[ Im sorry for putting so much, and i thank you for reading all of this... But im at the point of breaking down now because i miss him a lot...i just dont know if he misses me back...
d'Arthez Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 It sounds like his everyday commitments are putting a severe strain on him. As such he does not have the emotional energy to keep on engaging with you as he did before. He may not even be aware of that, or he does not really know how to bring this up for conversation. The only way to get forward in this is when you catch him, to bring it up. Even if you can't talk about this on the spot, you can at least decide to set up a time to discuss matters when you will. I hate to say it, but things are not looking good. What you should do, regardless of how things pan out, is not to make your life revolve around any man. Be independent and do things you enjoy. Don't give up on working towards your personal future; don't give up on your education for the sake of a man.
Author DorkiieLee Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Because it's long distance, i hold to him as close as possible because i feel that if i do like what most people do, it'll separate us because it's not like i can do like others and walk over to their house or something to visit :[ and i know im revolving around him too...but the things i do these days...i cant stop thinking of him.. I go to school...come back home, do my homework...and im left to spend the rest of my days doing nothing else... Going out with friend's isn't an option for me too because im not allowed to do that unless its a birthday... staying afterschool to be with friends...my siblings all do that and it leaves my mom with tons of work until 5-6pm everytime so i avoid doing that and come home when school ends to help her rather than stay afterschool like my siblings. But basically...this is how my outside life is...im left everyday wondering if i should call him or text him but i always feel like im annoying him even though in the end, he doesn't pick up and he doesn't reply back... and i realized now..that i when i stay up at night..i usually fall asleep without realizing it...and iv missed 2-3 calls from him now...the odd thing is, is that he calls at 4-5am for me[2-3am for him] and i usually knock out without realizing it by then. but he calls just a couple minutes after i fall asleep. for some odd reason, even with my phone next to me, i never hear it, but he always tells me to sleep because its late and that im 2 hours ahead so its really late but he calls at weird times now...
d'Arthez Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 It may be an idea for you to go to bed earlier and rise a bit earlier? So that his late night calls are early morning calls for you? If that does not work, I'd suggest you call him / text him to set up a proper long conversation about where this relationship is going. You both need to be on the same page and at the moment it does not seem to be the case you are. If you give each other some time to think about what the both of you really want, and what stages in your lives you are, something may be salvaged from this.
Author DorkiieLee Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Its just that he's so busy in his life...and i understand but i just want to hear him a little more now... And i thought about trying to bring it up...but it hurts me to do that...because i dont know what i should do by that point...and i dont want him thinking that im starting to let go of him because of it. Blah it just kills me...we've been in 2 arguments before where we almost broke up...in my opinion, it was my fault.. And outside person butted into my life and he thought that i was cheating on him and was lying to him because we were in a LDR and such that i would lie and get with someone else. but we fixed that. and the other argument somewhat revolves around the same thing. but after those arguments, we never did it again and such so for me, i dont want to bring something up because of those 2 cases. they were my faults so if i think that if i bring something odd up, he might take it the wrong way... Im not quite a good talking person :[ im a rather quiet and i dont talk much to people. and about sleeping early...i do that...but my sleep patterns have changed :[ i slept early a couple of times and sometimes, it goes straight into the next day and then im up for school. and i stay up nights, sleep during the day, pretty much everything, im a night person but he never calls when im up, but always when i randomly knock out without realizing it...
d'Arthez Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 One advantage of LDRs is that you can write out what is upsetting you. You don't have to express yourself with complete clarity (unlike a "normal" relationship). You can carefully weigh your words, rewrite sentences and paragraphs you are not happy with. Trusting your thoughts to the paper or screen will help you to gain additional insight in your situation, what you want, what you can and cannot do. Since you have loads of free time, I suggest you spend some time writing out your thoughts to better understand what you want. Once you have a clear idea of what you want, you can move forward. Obviously you and your boyfriend need to talk, because this can't go on forever.
HeavenOrHell Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 No, you're not over thinking, I would be worried too. He shouldn't be so busy that he's not much time for you, you should be a priority. It's really not a good idea to talk about marrying someone you've never met. LDR's CAN work out, if you've spent a lot of time in each other's company, and enjoy being together, and if you have plenty of communication when you're in between visits.
Author DorkiieLee Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 One advantage of LDRs is that you can write out what is upsetting you. You don't have to express yourself with complete clarity (unlike a "normal" relationship). You can carefully weigh your words, rewrite sentences and paragraphs you are not happy with. Trusting your thoughts to the paper or screen will help you to gain additional insight in your situation, what you want, what you can and cannot do. Since you have loads of free time, I suggest you spend some time writing out your thoughts to better understand what you want. Once you have a clear idea of what you want, you can move forward. Obviously you and your boyfriend need to talk, because this can't go on forever. I guess i could do that... :[ been planning to talk..but he doesn't seem like he's in a bad mood at times and he doesn't seem like he's in a good mood either...
d'Arthez Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 You can't maintain a relationship if the other person does not make an effort. That is doubly true of an LDR, because you don't get to spend much (if any) time with the other person in real life. No holding hands, cuddling, kissing, seeing the other laugh etc.. Write down what you want, and tell him you really need to speak to him about things. If he keeps blowing you off, then you'll have your answer as well. 1
Author DorkiieLee Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I know that marrying someone iv never met is not a good idea and topic to talk about...but what can i say? ;o we love eachother to the point of bringing it up. and we were always together but once he got his phone back and was working, he just started drifting a bit away. I can think that he would be busy during the day cause he has no school, maybe he's so tired from work he's sleeping in the day, but its already the point where everytime i call, he never picks up. i guess that's what's bugging me a bit :\ but it seems like i should talk to him about it...
d'Arthez Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I know that marrying someone iv never met is not a good idea and topic to talk about...but what can i say? ;o we love eachother to the point of bringing it up. That is for the two of you to decide if you get that far. Personally, I'd not jump into anything definitive on the spur of a moment. When you don't see people often it is easier for them to project their best behavior, because they have much more control over what you get to see.
pteromom Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 If you love someone, you prioritize them. If he was really excited about talking to you - he'd be picking up! It doesn't look good. Since he's gotten "cooler" in his communications with you (no emoticons, no calling you "babe", etc), and isn't picking up when you call, it seems he is backing off. As far as getting married - please don't marry someone you don't really know. People can be anyone they want online, and you don't see his issues/the way he interacts with others/ his family, etc. It's fun and romantic to imagine marrying him, I'm sure, but remember that what you are imagining is your fantasy and has little to do with reality. 1
Author DorkiieLee Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 i know ^^ he doesn't act like he does outside when he's talking to me, but he has told me that when he was in school, he got in trouble with the teacher pretty much a lot of the time because he would talk to his friends and that he was a complete goofball around his friend's and always made them laugh :] He tells me a lot of things about himself but i know there are things people dont tell to others so i wouldn't know and understand. And i guess it would seem like that...he talks to me still..but its so hard to ever talk to him and everything ...
Author DorkiieLee Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Thats true for projecting their best behavior. but he seems to tell me his bad sides too so from my view, i guess its like if he's willing to tell me his bad sides [meaning getting into trouble] it ought to be true in a way because i dont see why people would need to lying that they get in trouble ><
d'Arthez Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Words are one thing, but actions are another. Words are easy - he may be telling you what you want to hear, or what he thinks you want to hear. That is one of the trickiest aspects of a LDR: How to know what is objectively true, and what you are assuming to be true. 1
pteromom Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Thats true for projecting their best behavior. but he seems to tell me his bad sides too so from my view, i guess its like if he's willing to tell me his bad sides [meaning getting into trouble] it ought to be true in a way because i dont see why people would need to lying that they get in trouble >< No... I don't think he'd be lying about that. Probably not LYING at all... it would be more likely that he has issues that he's not even aware of, but that you would see if you were spending time around him in person. I mean, it is possible that he is more open and honest with you than he ever has been with anyone. But that doesn't mean you KNOW everything about him. You know him by his WORDS. If you were around him in person, you'd know his ACTIONS too, and as the cliche goes, they often speak louder.
Author DorkiieLee Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I guess...i only know him by words >< i dont know him for his actions yet. webcam doesn't do anything since we just sit there and talk back at eachother and you dont see them do anything much. It is a bit hard to know anything besides what he tells me since i cant see what he see's and that i cant see what he does. Work, finding College and being stressed out is probably the things i only know that is eating him up... 1
d'Arthez Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 That is why it is very important to meet up regularly in LDRs, and usually meet early after establishing an LDR. Because you only have words to go by. You have to fill in the blanks yourself. And naturally, because of the nature of the limited information we have at our disposal (because we assume the other is good - why else would you be in the relationship), we are filling in the blanks with positives. The assumptions may be correct, but they can also be completely false. For all you know he is tired because of work. There might be other girls in his life, and he is simply not telling you. You don't know, and once doubts set in, it is very difficult to keep an LDR on track. 1
Author DorkiieLee Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Thing is...this is my first relationship with someone..and it might be completely weird since its LDR and weird how we met and managed this relationship...at the beginning of our relationship , i told myself and i told him, that i trust him completely even though we are separated...and he himself, told me that he had 2 ex's before finding me but they didn't last because his 2 ex's cheated on him so he said that [after we had been together for about 3-4 months] that he trusts me too and many other things. I want to believe that he isn't with another girl just because im not where he is... And its' impossible for me to jump my way to where he is and at this point, i dont think he can do the same. ------ I'm in school and my parents are...well...yea...they arn't going to let me be saying that im going to visit my bf over in Cali even for summer vacation... But this December, my family is indeed going to California to spend Christmas with our grandparents and family over there...and i told him that its a 3 hour drive from where my grandparents were to where he was and he said, if i go to California, he will drive the 3 hours every day im there just to see me until i have to go. I guess that might count, but its not like we technically 'planned' to meet up. it was only a miracle that my family decided this christmas to go there... So actually meeting up might be hard... Once i finish school, ill be going to a 2 year college[because that is all i require for the job i plan to take which is my dad's Computer Networking] and when i work and get money, i would move to california because by that time, my grandparents will need support so i might as well support them there. As you can probably guess, i have planned briefly of what i plan to do in the future :\
HeavenOrHell Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 They don't see each other at all. Impossible to know what someone is like in the flesh, until you meet them in the flesh That is for the two of you to decide if you get that far. Personally' date=' I'd not jump into anything definitive on the spur of a moment. When you don't see people often it is easier for them to project their [b']best behavior[/b], because they have much more control over what you get to see.
HeavenOrHell Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I hope things can be sorted with you both soon, it's horrible not knowing. He does need to be clear with you if he wants out, it's not fair to leave you in limbo, not knowing where you stand. Wishing you all the best
d'Arthez Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 You only have words to go by, and Christmas is still a long time away. You finishing your education is still a long time away, which means that this relationship (if it lasts) will be long distance for a long while yet. If you want this relationship to work the both of you need to put in serious efforts. I see you are really putting your heart in this, but I can't say the same of your boyfriend. He'd make much more of an effort to spend time with you, online and possibly in real life as well, be more communicative with you. Even worse, he seems to be unwilling to discuss serious issues within the relationship. You don't know what is going on in his life; for all you know he is trying to call you at the end of his day, after he has gone out to meet girls. Just because he was cheated on does not mean he will never cheat himself. Put pen to paper, and write down what you want from this relationship, what you can bring to the relationship, and how you'd get to the imagined future together. It is easy to imagine what your future will be like in ideal conditions, but reality bites, and often the hardest bit is the journey to get there.
shorty7 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 What game did you guys connect on? Also, d'Arthez has a good point about the writing thing. You kids have much too much dependence on immediate reactions and call and responses. *Sigh* I miss the days of writing each other letters and sending gifts by snail mail to express feelings to each other. The good thing about the letter is that if it's a big thing that's been bothering you for a while, you write it out in the most concise and understandable way possible, and whether or not for him to read/respond to it is up to him. It's a good way to assure your feelings and emotions are expressed in a way that doesn't require him to respond to it right away. There's also something about a hand-written letter that seems more compelling than thought that's exchanged on the fly.
Author DorkiieLee Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 haha..the thing is..i actually sent him a letter once before and it was filled with randomness because that was the first letter i have EVER written and sent out to anyone before so yeaa...but he told me he never got it and he kept saying that he wants to get it and he wonders if his mom got a hold of the letter... it might have gotten lost while in the mail..but that sucks for me since it was my first time sending a letter.. >< And we both met on Maple Story lol. MMORPG game thats 2d yess, a bit lame of us because i know some people think thats a bit childish. but for me, that is my favorite online game because that was where i met him so i cherish it. [i always think back to how we actually met on the game and its funny.. ><]
Recommended Posts