Author Searchin81 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 So ur married to ur rebound? And u want ur ex back? U pullin my leg?
wilsonx Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 He's just slumming it out, youre cute though, if you dont ask him out for coffee, ill ask him out.
wilsonx Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Look, i dont know how to reassure you because of where you are right now. You have to trust yourself that you are doing the right thing. I can tell you with 100% certainty that he will go out to coffee with you, but until you believe it yourself, it wont happen.
gibson Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 What makes you so confident? The problem He thinks you do not want him because of the way you acted after the last break up and the fact that he is married. You think he doesn't want you because of how you acted after the last break up and because he is married. Reality He married a rebound. You are the "measuring stick". He still loves / wants you. A majority of people choose to rebound after relationships The two of you just started communicating but he is going to tell you the above in the not so distant future. Don't believe me? Go read in the OM/OW, Marriage, Divorce, Break Up, etc. forums. You will see that a large majority of people rebound (some even marry them). You will see countless stories of people breaking up, cheating and divorcing someone to be with their Ex. A lot of the posters here in the break up or divorce forum are rebounds (victims) just like your Ex's wife is going to be. You two will continue to communicate and he will lay the cards on the table in the near future. His cards... I have always loved you, I made a mistake by marrying the other women, you are what I want, etc.
Author Searchin81 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Interesting you say that... About measuring stick.. One of the last times we spoke two years ago... He said he compared everyone to me, then a month later was with someone new so I thought he didn't mean what he said or that he found someone he thought was better than me, and that this person was the new "measuring stick"
gibson Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Interesting you say that... About measuring stick.. One of the last times we spoke two years ago... He said he compared everyone to me, then a month later was with someone new so I thought he didn't mean what he said or that he found someone he thought was better than me, and that this person was the new "measuring stick" That was infatuation... which he thought was LOVE. He has learned a lot about himself, what he wants, what love is, grown up, matured, etc. in the time you broke up. Your Ex rebounded and married her. A "healthy" person would never get married that quick. Not to mention he just got out of a LTR with you.
FizzyGirl Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I actually can't believe the advice I'm reading! My ex of 6 years broke up with me and got married a year later. I know for a fact that he still loves me, and I love him too. I know things aren't going well with his wife. But he's married! He's completely out of bounds. I find it utterly disturbing that you're even considering pursuing a married man. Hell, if I was married and my husband's ex girlfriend showed interest in him, I'd feel like smashing her face in. Doesn't matter if he married a rebound. It's still a marriage! If he's not happy in his marriage then he needs to do something about it. That's between him and his wife though, nobody should be involving themselves in that. Let him go. Don't be a home wrecker. 4
Joaquin Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I actually can't believe the advice I'm reading! My ex of 6 years broke up with me and got married a year later. I know for a fact that he still loves me, and I love him too. I know things aren't going well with his wife. But he's married! He's completely out of bounds. I find it utterly disturbing that you're even considering pursuing a married man. Hell, if I was married and my husband's ex girlfriend showed interest in him, I'd feel like smashing her face in. Doesn't matter if he married a rebound. It's still a marriage! If he's not happy in his marriage then he needs to do something about it. That's between him and his wife though, nobody should be involving themselves in that. Let him go. Don't be a home wrecker. I think the point being made is that if something is going to happen between these two they need to either make it happen now or never. As in don't wait for kids to be involved. I agree it's incredibly selfish behaviour and not something I would wish on anyone. Op, you do understand thos dont you? What exactly you think you will be getting from this guy that you never quite managed to get from him before is another question. 1
Author Searchin81 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Married man or not, he was mine first. I haven't said if was going to pursue him. He should be with whoever he loves the most.
Joaquin Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Married man or not, he was mine first. I haven't said if was going to pursue him. He should be with whoever he loves the most. You already are persuing him by engaging in likely secret communication with him. "He was mine first" is a very childish thing to say. The way they come is the way they go. 6
Author Searchin81 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Who knows maybe in all actualality he doesnt want anything to do with me and was just being friendly. wonder if he will try to contact me again. I don't think he knew what love was when we were together, I was his first serious relationship. For all I know he might not even love me anymore. At one point when we broke up the first time, he told me to move on, that he wasn't sure if I was "the one" anymore, even though we hardly ever fought, had great chemistry ect... Then months later and a year later he said he regretted everything he did, and did a complete 360, and he really seemed to change. I didn't Belive him at the time and then bang month later met this new person, three months later they got engaged, and then few months later got married. What was going through his mind? Whats going through his mind now?
gibson Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 (edited) Don't be a home wrecker. 1. I didn't tell her to be a home wrecker. 2. He is the home wrecker not the "other woman"! 3. This guy is going to wreck this home regardless of the OP or not. The husband is the one who made the vow to his wife in front of God, family and friends. He is the one who has the responsibly and should be accountable to his vow that he made regardless if the OP or another women showed up naked at his front door. It must be stressful worrying about every "other woman" on the planet who didn't promise to honor, cherish, love, adore and be faithful till death due us part. This marriage isn't going to last and there isn't a thing you, me, Dr. Phil, the OP or his wife can do about it. Why? 1. He doesn't / never loved his wife because he is in love with someone else and always has been. 2. Because the guy thinks / feels / believes / knows that his relationship with his wife, their marriage and the vow he made is a joke / sham / mistake. 3. He WANTS his marriage to fail / end and will be sure to see that happen. Edited May 16, 2012 by gibson 1
Author Searchin81 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I dont feel any of this is home wrecking. One i didnt take any vows, two this person stole him from me when he was weak hurt and vulnerable. Anyway Do you really think he is going to tell me how he feels? Do u really think he has feelings for me and wants me back or am I just doing wishful thinking and living a fantasy? I just have a hard time believing anyone would get married if they are in love with someone else and go through all the motions of having a big wedding and all the rest only to leave it a few months later. I wanna say so much to him but I am afraid to. I've learned so much about myself and what I want since I have been away from him. I think I would also be much better in a relationship now.
gibson Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I dont feel any of this is home wrecking. One i didnt take any vows, two this person stole him from me when he was weak hurt and vulnerable. Anyway He was immature, impulsive, thought infatuation was love, etc. and married her out of pure desperation and selfishness. She didn't "steal" him because you didn't really have him either. Your Ex didn't know who he was, what he wanted, what love is, etc. and maybe still doesn't. Do you really think he is going to tell me how he feels? Yes. Go read in the marriage, divorce forums. The two of you are not going to blaze any new trails here. You two will walk down the same old worn out trail that many have walked before. He will continue to contact you, the two of you will develop a relationship, in time he will share his feelings, wishes, hopes and desires with you. Do u really think he has feelings for me and wants me back or am I just doing wishful thinking and living a fantasy? Yes he has feelings for you and always has. I just have a hard time believing anyone would get married if they are in love with someone else and go through all the motions of having a big wedding and all the rest only to leave it a few months later. It happens all the time. There are many posters here in this forum that were engaged and later dumped when their fiance left them for an Ex. The divorce forum has a lot of people who did what your Ex has done. Married and later divorced (some in less than a year) their rebound. I wanna say so much to him but I am afraid to. Don't worry... you will have your chance. This party is just getting started. 2
Phanpooh Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I wish my ex has some supporters like you guy, we are making a new story ^_^ goodluck
gibson Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I wish my ex has some supporters like you guy, we are making a new story ^_^ goodluck I am not a "supporter". Her Ex makes me sick and this is a very sad story. The OP was young, immature, didn't know who she is, what she wanted, what love was, etc. and her Ex was right there with her. Their relationship, break ups, getting back together, etc. reflect that fact. However, the OP was smart enough to know that she should not get back together with her Ex while she and he were in that "place". Unlike the OP, her Ex is "unhealthy" and because of that he committed an extremely cruel an selfish act by seeking out and finding a willing "victim" to use as a rebound and to make matters worse, married her! No, the future Ex-wife really isn't a "victim", she is "unhealthy" too. She has to be if she got involved with someone right out of a LTR, got engaged within 3 months of knowing him and married him a year later. The Ex is going hurt / torment the OP for a long, long time while he goes through the process of destroying / divorcing his future Ex-wife and their sham of a marriage. There are no winners in this story. 3
beyond Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Here's a a brief story.. We were together for a about two years, broke up almost three years ago, Got together again, Broke up again, said he realized he loved me after the break up, compared everyone to me, I wanted him to come crawling back to me and to teach him a lesson.. so i cut him off and went NC by blocking his number, A month after that he met someone new,they moved in together, got engaged in three months then married a few months later Fast Fwd we ran into each other this weekend we didn't speak both were in shock to see each other. So we ended up texting each other. I left a brief remark that was closed ended and didn't invite a discussion. He seemed very talkative well we ended up texting all day. He didn't mention his significant other at all, nor did I ask. He was at work so the other half wasn't around. Our conversation ended.. "no goodnight or no goodbye..no nice to hear from u now get lost".. just seem open ended until the next time. I feel that he will definitely be contacting me again.. i could be wrong.. i hope he does Truth is.. i am still in love with him and there hasn't been a day gone by that i don't think of him. There is so much i wanted to say but i didn't get into anything deep. I wanted to tell him how much I learned and realized since he has been gone I regret ever going NC. He married this person in haste. I don't know what to think of any of it. Please spare me of telling me not to text him again because i lost him once.. and will never do it again. even if it is just friendship Hi Searchin, Haven't read this whole thread as in the middle of cooking dinner for friends coming over but couldn't just read and run - this so reminds me of my own situation. Was with ex 6 years ago - love of my life - seemed perfect relationship ie best friend plus fancied him like crazy - perfect combination! To cut a long story short he had GIGS, pushed me away and acted oddly until I left. I went cold stone NC - changed phones, moved house, got his emails sent to another folder so I wouldn't see them - the works! I didn't understand why he left at the time and just thought he stopped loving me. I tried to move on but it was hard. Every guy since I compared to him. Meanwhile unknown to me, he was trying everyway to contact me - send 400 plus emails (they went to another folder and I didn't see them) He thought I didn't care . He had his 'wild' phase, slept around and got a woman pregnant. Did the 'right' thing and married her. Meanwhile, I looked at my email folder one day and saw all his emails confessing love for me, apologising etc. My heart broke. I wrote to him saying I forgave him and always thought about him. He replied telling me about his wife two children. I wished him well and thought that would be last contact. He then wrote straight back saying how he was still in love with me, marriage was a mistake, wanted it to be me etc etc. I was so shocked and torn. I love him but he is married with a family!!! We met as to come to some sort of closure, although the reality was we weren't being honest with ourselves really. The attraction between us was still there - more so if anything and as we talked, the years melted away. I'm now in a real mess (of my own making) as I had to tell him to go and sort out his life. He says he was going to divorce his wife anyway before I came back into his life, but I'm not convinced, so am leaving him to do that. Meanwhile I feel awful and in some kind of 'limbo'. We both say 'if only for a time machine', we would go back and do things differently. If your ex is serious then its up to him to sort out the situation between him and his wife. At least in your case no children are involved. I'm not really sure what I wanted to say, just that I understand your dilemma. My heart says 'go for it' but my head knows to be careful. xx 1
Author Searchin81 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Beyond... If you still love him.. Don't let him go.. If he says he was going to get a divorce anyway, Belive him.. Don't let him go again this time! Yes it's terrible he has a family, but what is even worse for everyone including his children his him staying in an unhappy marriage where they will witness nothing but fighting and misery. Sometimes divorce is the best option to protect a family rather than subjugate them to a life of fighting and misery. Keep in contact with him and let him vent to you. I'm not sure my ex ever tried to contact me.. I'm sure he did try to text or call..but I blocked his number.. But he never tried emailing me. And I also blocked him on face book at that time.. But I have no idea how he feels about any of it. Hopefully I will find out the true story someday.
Author Searchin81 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I feel that there is so much to say. And I wonder if he will ever give me the chance to tell him. I keep asking myself why would he even want me back. I cut him off for almost two years, he probably thinks I don't want him. I also feel like maybe he has it better with this other person than he thinks he would with me. Maybe he never really thought of me. I stop myself and say I am stupid and feel like I have seen to many movies for thinking that it's possible that he even wants me still. I feel like he just thinks less of me now. I don't know why but that's how I feel. He hasn't contacted me in a few days now and I'm already worried.. I suppose the only consolation is that our conversation didn't have a closing.. No goodbye or no nice talking to you'll just faded away..what if it's pay back time and now he is the one that ignores me. That's a thought I have to! What if all these text were just a nicety. Is torturing me. I want to talk to him some more. What if all of this is a figment of my imagination and there is nothing to it at all? But I do have a deep instinctual feeling that we are not finished..
Author Searchin81 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 i feel so down. I haven't heard from him now in four days. What if he does to me what i did to him? never contact me again? I'm so scared that is going to happen. I just came in from a walk and was thinking things over. I still feel that he probably doesn't want me.. wouldn't he be texting more.. Ugh im probably never going to have the chance to tell him everything i want. The last text we had was sent by me.. it wasnt anything that required a reply.. but was hoping for one.. even if he wasn't going to text me again, after texting me all day sunday.. i would have liked a text that said "Nice talking with you and take care" or something but it was left so open ended. What if he now decides to punish me and never text me again? I also think about his new life with the new person... would he really want me back after being with her, getting to know her family and friends, and having his wife accepted by his family.. would he just do a complete 360? I think im foolish and just making a movie in my head. Maybe this new person is the new measuring stick. After all he married her and not me. and for the record i forget to mention.. he bought the engagement ring when he was out at a restaurant after having a few drinks, she was also just out of a relationship and moved into his house right from her ex's house, all in 2 months.. and engaged the third!
Joaquin Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Wow op. You already sound like your the "other woman" waiting on your MM to give you some face time away from his wife. Are you sure you want this? 2
LogicallyIllogical Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I feel that there is so much to say. And I wonder if he will ever give me the chance to tell him. I keep asking myself why would he even want me back. I cut him off for almost two years, he probably thinks I don't want him. I also feel like maybe he has it better with this other person than he thinks he would with me. Maybe he never really thought of me. I stop myself and say I am stupid and feel like I have seen to many movies for thinking that it's possible that he even wants me still. I feel like he just thinks less of me now. I don't know why but that's how I feel. He hasn't contacted me in a few days now and I'm already worried.. I suppose the only consolation is that our conversation didn't have a closing.. No goodbye or no nice talking to you'll just faded away..what if it's pay back time and now he is the one that ignores me. That's a thought I have to! What if all these text were just a nicety. Is torturing me. I want to talk to him some more. What if all of this is a figment of my imagination and there is nothing to it at all? But I do have a deep instinctual feeling that we are not finished.. I disagree with most of the other advice given. You're setting yourself up for some serious pain. You're overanalyzing some text messages you exchanged with your ex, who is currently married. It was probably a great ego boost for him since you cut him off and tried to "teach him a lesson" before he met his current wife. Let it go. 2
wilsonx Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 who said marriage = love? look at the divorce rate happens all the time
Author Searchin81 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 i really feel like i lost alot. He was very good to me, never so much as called me a bad name. Very loving kind hearted person. I just didnt know how to receive the love at the time, maybe i didn't think i was worthy of it. and thats just the tip of the iceberg. I feel like i really lost the love of my life. And the even worst part about it is it was my fault.. i wanted to teach him a lesson and come back on hands and knees.. he did tell me he regretted everything that happened, and that he compared everyone to me, ect I should have seized it at that moment and i let it slip away.. It kills me
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