Devastated isn't the word!

[kimeebee]

It's as though I've just been told my partner of 15 years is dead. There is an age gap of almost 20 years...lets get that part out of the way even though I believe aga is a number.

For the first 3 years I tried desperately to push him away obviously wanting him to find someone his own age but he never gave up and I finally learned he really did love me and to trust him.

We had a deep loving relationship, I utterly idolised him...extremely rare that we argued we really were best friends.

It was approx 10 days ago when he literally overnight became distant, no emotion just talking but cold. He rarely left my side after work so an affair just didn't add up. Eventually he told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me, said I can't force him to love me and that he was very unhappy and had lost the best 15 years of his life!!

I unfortunately begged him not to leave me, he was adamant he was going and was desperate to remain friends. I said no, there was no way I could see him with another woman to which he just responded that he wouldn't rub it in my face!!! He said he wants to travel, enjoy life and I was very hurt because I had urged him many times to go and enjoy life with people his own age.

When he left he was really upset, said it was the hardest thing he had ever had to do in life and loved me! Then he just walked out of the door and left me, distraught.

I can't eat, sleep...don't see the point of even living to be honest but most of all I feel so drained, worthless and I am not coping at all.

[eles83]

I'm so sorry. I wish I knew why people do things like that, or had some answers that would help. I myself am wondering the same thing. My relationship of five years ended; I can't begin to imagine how bad 15 years is.

 

But, one thing I learned, is the people on here are great. And, like you many of us have trouble eating and sleeping and breathing... Some days I know I feel worthless, other days I feel mad... It's kind of a rollercoaster of horror.

 

I think it's going to get better though... I believe that.

[hinatticus]

So how old are you and how old is he? I know age is just a number. I'm 7 years older than my ex and sometimes feel that's a big age gap. If he is younger(I'm assuming that), say he was 20 when you met, you'd be 40. At that age guys don't consider having kids. Now he's 35, you're 55, he might want kids or something. I'm just speculating here cuz you didn't really give much background info.

 

But everyone here knows how it feels to get left in the dust. Lots of people have very different breakup stories so coping can differ from couple to couple. Sometimes just understanding the circumstances help, but most times it's just letting it all out with someone you trust(family, close friends etc.). I post here and that helps me out huge.

 

Good luck.

[kimeebee]

Thanks for your kind words, yes 15 years is a very long time...but to throw me out like a piece of trash was awful...I feel so confused, mainly because nothing happened to initiate any of this.

No he has never wanted children and has been very clear on that.

I think the worst part being older is that my esteem is now so low I can't see how I can ever recover from the worthless thoughts I now have.

Sure I was something that caught his eye all those years ago...but now I'm nothing to him.

I'm so near to texting him but he has brought out such pain, I'm still the person he fell in love with, how can anyone be so shallow?

[hinatticus]

Are you saying he's shallow because he left without telling you why exactly? Or because you think it's the age thing? If its the age thing try not to ponder to much about it(easier said than done). Lots of guys dig older women. For one you're more mature than a 20 year old and as long as you feel beautiful on the inside, it will show on the outside.

 

As some women put it(I'm a guy and have no clue,but) buy some new clothes, make up, work out, listen to uplifting music, try out a new hobby, travel somewhere nice, I'm sure there are many things you could do to lift your spirits back up. It's never too late to try new things and do exciting things for yourself.

 

People keep telling me to stop thinking about the past, and you know what? It's freakin hard, but it helps;) fight the negativity with any form of positivity and eventually subconsciously you'll be happier more times than you're not. I'm only 3 months post breakup and I was feeling better a month and a half ago. Mind you my story is nothing like yours, but the point is DO positive things. Thinking it isn't enough, you gotta DO something positive or else the weight of negativity will crush you.

 

Sorry if I couldn't offer better womanly advice, but I'm a guy and I'm not quite sure if I'm helping, but I'm trying!

[kimeebee]

Shallow I guess because he left with no valid reason, love you but not in love...i don't love you the way you love me....and all that has done as you say quite rightly is making me think negative thoughts about myself...past my sell by date etc.

It didn't occur to him that I too have lost 15 years of my life in a relationship I thought was forever...and at my age it's not so easy to pick up again. Years ago I kept telling him to move on because I didn't want for one day to lose him when I was an old woman, he always said he never would and 15 years was pretty good going.....and now my worst fears came true...and yes I find myself feeling very angry today.

The advice you give is the correct way for me to do things, I can see that it makes sense but he only left me 5 days ago and I'm so low I can't see a way up.

Heart in my mouth every time the phone rings or text, over and over longing for him to call, I know he wont and I want to contact him and it's so hard not too.

You say you are 3 months post relationship...I can't imagine getting that far...that's a scary thought having to cope for months with this pain.

 

Good luck and thank you for your help, it does help knowing someone is there as I have no one to talk to.

[hinatticus]

I know how you feel about losing time and dreams. I thought me and my ex would grow old together. We have a 21 month old and I never ever ever wanted to become a single dad. I had a chance to make things right but I got complacent with her and focused too much on our child. He's my world but I forgot she is my world too. I had to deal with shame and guilt for the way I treated her. I had to move fast beyond the self pity and anger phase. I basically went straight into self repair mode.

 

Trust me, you will have days that "feel" good. They will become more frequent and the crying bouts will become fewer and farther between. I still sometimes cry in my truck on the way to work or find myself yelling her name! Heck, I feel sad right now thinking about her!

 

Hang in there!

Edited May 16, 2012 by hinatticus

[maya.arrow]

Hi Kimeebee,

I can so relate to what you are going through! I, too, am older than my partner and he has decided to end our relationship. Although we are still together, we have decided to remain together for a few months longer, partly for practical reasons but partly also because we agreed we still love each other and the reason why he wants to break up isn't because he has stopped loving me, but because he is young and wants freedom to live his life without being responsible for anyone (we are about 8 years apart). I am still very much in love with him, so this decision is quite devastating for me and quite a blow to my self-esteem. I feel like I gave him the best years of my life, and once we part--his life will be beginning, whereas I feel like I am approaching middle age with no idea how to start over. I wanted a family, but now it may be too late.

 

Sometimes I feel angry about it and I wonder if his feelings have changed because I'm older and not as beautiful as I once was. I sometimes feel it is so unfair that he doesn't realize how much harder it will be for me to move on. He is in his prime, and I am leaving mine. I don't know if I will ever find love like this again--and with someone so wonderful. I go through waves of anger and grief...but in the end, I made a choice when I committed myself to him too. I knew the risks, and I chose to be with him. So I have to accept what comes.

 

My advice to you (which I hope to be able to take in myself once the real, horrible grief descends on me), is to let go. If you love him, let him go with your blessing, and be thankful for what you had. Wish him well, and then do what you can to pick up the pieces on your own. He will not understand the devastation you feel because he doesn't have the life experience to do so. Perhaps one day, he will be older and he will understand. And I can only take his coldness to mean that he is afraid of your suffering, and is trying to distance himself from it so he won't feel bad or responsible for it. So be it. It's the same with my partner. To him, we had this loving relationship, and he is ready for a new life. To me, he was everything I had waited years for, and I hoped I would never have to start over again. Our circumstances are different, our hearts are different...he will never understand until his heart has been broken like mine. But he is a good person, and I have become a better person because of him.

 

You said you once urged him to go out and live his life with people his own age. As hard as it is, I say stay true that. And you don't have to be friends with him until you are ready. My plan for my partner, when we finally part, is to send him off with all my love and then fall to pieces on my own. It's not his problem anymore anyway. I want him to remember me as someone who loved him enough to let him go.

[kimeebee]

You are a very brave lady to still be with him in such emotional turmoil. My partner wanted to stay a while until he had somewhere to go but my response was no way can I watch you lead a single life under my roof.

I was sobbing when he left but it was the only way I could cope with the situation, I told him to just walk out the door and not look back but he grabbed hold of me, hugging and kissing me, he too was so upset and that is what is haunting me, constant flash backs...the image wont leave my mind.

 

I have let him go, I totally understand how he feels but having a hard time forgiving him because as I say I really did push him away for a few years but he used to get so upset I just couldn't do it to him and worked through it. It was actually at the 10 year mark that I finally trusted him in that he would never leave. And now he has done this to me I honestly don't want to go on living, can't come to terms with how only a week before leaving he was still full of love, flowers, all the usual things that showed he adored me, there was no gradual warning so that in time I could have thought something isn't right here, no signs at all that he was going to do this. Just BOOM I don't love you like you love me, I want to be free...I felt as though I had been hit by a truck.

 

It didn't make sense then and certainly doesn't now, I guess I have no closure and never will. I don't wish him hard times, how could I ever want him to hurt as I do? I was very pretty in my younger days, he was the guy that all the girls used to want to date but he only ever wanted me. We always got on great, extremely rare to argue and I can't see how at my age I have enough time left to find such another love. Yes you are right my prime is over and his is starting, I know he will meet other women and I just try to shut out those thoughts because it's bringing me to the verge of suicide, dark thoughts and that's not a good place to be.

 

All I can do is let him go but friends is something I will never consider because I know I will never get over him, learn to cope yes but I know this love will never leave me so why cause myself further heartache.

 

He text me yesterday, just brief...cold even... just saying send mail to my fathers home address. That was it, no how are you etc. But it was seeing his name come up on the phone that hurt, my heart was in my mouth thinking please please be a text that will bring me out of this pain...and it's put me straight back to day one again.

 

I didn't reply, I want to but the advice on here seems to be absolutely not but I'm struggling.

 

I thank you all for your kind words and support and most of all responding to my pain. It would be nice to hear how you all get through this too!!!!!

[maya.arrow]

Oh, I so understand!! And you are probably braver than I am to face the pain full on instead of hanging on to a little more time. I know I am putting off the inevitable, but there are practical reasons for this too, and it gives me a little time (with his support) to figure out what to do and where to go next.

 

It is horrible to have this happen to you in such a sudden and painful way too. I am certain his coldness is both an attempt to be as clear and definite as possible and also because he probably can't handle seeing you in pain and knowing he is responsible. I know it sounds twisted...but perhaps he is being cold because he cares.

 

I doubt I can let my love go smiling. I will be a sobbing wreck. But I just hope the last words I say to him are loving and that I wish him well. The thought of him falling in love again and being with someone in the same intense, passionate way that we began also tears me to the very core. But I can't think of those things, because--like you--I don't think I would survive.

 

Our situations are so similar. They really are. Feel free to PM me anytime. I know there is nothing I can say that will make the pain go away, but I do understand very well what you are going through.

[maya.arrow]

Hoping you are doing okay, kimeebee!!

[kimeebee]

Not good at all Maya...11 days no contact and eaten very little, really trying but can't hold anything down...Maya you really don't know what's lying ahead when he finally leaves BUT I now feel anger as well as numb, not crying now, in shock realizing he will never come home.

Thanks for thinking of me hun...I ssoooo appreciate it.

[maya.arrow]

Keep holding on! Anger is probably very good and very healthy...it means you realise you deserve more and better! I can't eat when I am grieving either...but I usually can force down something light--like apples or berries. At least try to eat fruit and drink plenty of water.

 

Do you have anyone close by that you can lean on? Keep me posted. Of course I am thinking of you.

[kimeebee]

Hi Maya, I have no one close, live in rural area and family/friends are all far away what I have left that is since moving here. Apart from that they all have their own lives and would sympathise but not to the point that I need to sit and have in depth convo with, it would just be the 'told you so' path.

My best friend is over a hundred miles away and her partner recently died and I couldn't burden her....so all in all apart from my son whom is staying with me for a bit I'm alone. I can't really let my feelings out and Im sure that's what I need but it's not the kind of story I can blurt out to a stranger lol!!!

[ladyabstrused]

I'm sorry to hear about this, kimeebee. Makes me feel sick in the stomach..I mean that is indeed a long time.

 

Things will get better. You have to keep looking forward, yeah?

 

You can always let your feelings out here. There's a lot of advice and positive posts on LS. Reading them has helped me somewhat deal with my break-up recently. It hurts but it will get better. Keep yourself busy and keep thinking positive.

 

I believe everyone has a beauty in them, be it inside or out. You should believe this too.

[kimeebee]

Thanks again all of you for your kind words, yes I do read the post and notice a lot of dumpers do make contact with the ones they dumped...and that got me thinking....not hoping that he will come back to me but scared if he did, does that make sense?

I could never ever trust him again!

[kimeebee]

Thanks again for your support everyone, I am 14 days NC and was coping until last night.

I found out last night that he is with someone else, he couldn't have been having a full blown affair while he was with me but it's clear now that he had his eye on her for God knows how long which explains the cold way he just dumped me.....and the rest is history.

What hurts the most is he was still telling me how much he loved me, flowers etc right up until he left. He walked away from me very distressed but all along he knew he was walking away to whoever she is, leaving me confused trying to work out where this bolt out of the blue came from.

I deserved more than that, over and over again in 15 years he was given the opportunity to leave to explore life because I feared losing him when I got too old to go on with mine...

He should have been honest, now I feel like ****, obviously imagining him with her but also feeling like a piece of old, ugly trash he just dumped like garbage past my sell by date.

I'm right back at square one but now it's even worse than when he left me 14 days ago, I've been up all night just sobbing I feel so ill.

[ladyabstrused]

Thanks again for your support everyone, I am 14 days NC and was coping until last night.

I found out last night that he is with someone else, he couldn't have been having a full blown affair while he was with me but it's clear now that he had his eye on her for God knows how long which explains the cold way he just dumped me.....and the rest is history.

What hurts the most is he was still telling me how much he loved me, flowers etc right up until he left. He walked away from me very distressed but all along he knew he was walking away to whoever she is, leaving me confused trying to work out where this bolt out of the blue came from.

I deserved more than that, over and over again in 15 years he was given the opportunity to leave to explore life because I feared losing him when I got too old to go on with mine...

He should have been honest, now I feel like ****, obviously imagining him with her but also feeling like a piece of old, ugly trash he just dumped like garbage past my sell by date.

I'm right back at square one but now it's even worse than when he left me 14 days ago, I've been up all night just sobbing I feel so ill.

 

*Hugs* kimeebee, I'm sorry you feel so down. It's okay to get it all out. You'll feel better when you face these honest feelings. Get it out of your system. It helps.. then you have to try and move on. Get out there, do something. Everyone here on LS (not exactly lol but you know what I mean) encouraged me to get out there and get obsessed with a project or resist the temptation to break NC.

 

It's getting better. It's my 11th day and it will get even better. I just wish that you have someone, a friend or best friend you can hang out with to accompany you or distract you. I know you said you didn't want to burden her and all but you need somebody who'd be there. It helps a lot more. If not, you've got us here.

 

I think getting busy is really the key to start the steps to moving on. Let's do this NC and moving on phase together!

[kimeebee]

Hugs right back ladyabstrused, I will catch up with your story later on today...and yes I'd like very much to do NC together because I'm so confused.

I.e does it mean that I don't even let him know that I know what he had planned all along? I'm so hurt and angry and just don't see how NC will help me while he is acting like he doesn't have a care in the world.

[ladyabstrused]

Hugs right back ladyabstrused, I will catch up with your story later on today...and yes I'd like very much to do NC together because I'm so confused.

I.e does it mean that I don't even let him know that I know what he had planned all along? I'm so hurt and angry and just don't see how NC will help me while he is acting like he doesn't have a care in the world.

 

What would it matter if you told him? You said yourself, he doesn't care. He won't care if you knew or not what he had planned all along.

 

NC will help you heal and move on. It will help you see things in a better light and realise that this is a better option. What more could you have done? If he could have the heart to just get up and leave from your relationship, he can always do it again if you continue a relationship with him.

 

It will help you to detach from this person you so truly love yet is dysfunctional for your life. It will make you feel better because things will be good and healthy again in life, you'll see. Sure, it's still a bit too soon for us to really shoot to the positive side. Can't blame you for feeling this way honestly, cos I find myself falling backwards time and again.

 

You've got to try. NC is a good thing because this is the time you are saving yourself from further misery. I think you deserve better than this. It's not the end of the world, perhaps a bit tougher now for you to get out there and find a new mate and probably will take some time before you can even do that, but at least take this as a break to enjoy the other wonderful things in life that we tend to miss out in our daily lives. Take a break, kimeebee.

[maya.arrow]

oh kimeebee, my heart truly aches for you. i know that it will kill me to see my love with someone else (and i know he will move on before me...i just know he will). all i can say is, he probably had many chances to be with others before and he chose to be with you, and that means that he really loved you. i know that the age gap makes things feel like you are being dumped for someone younger (i feel like i am past my sell-by date too), but remember that he loved you because you were older and wiser and helped him learn so much about himself and life too. it's not YOU, it's not YOUR fault...it is him who has changed...and even in relationships without an age gap this could happen.

 

and even though this may be a new love, don't think that it will be perfect or that it will be better. it may not even last very long! 15 years is a long time to be with someone...who knows if he will be able to give that to this new woman.

 

if it makes you feel better, maybe you could write a scathing, angry letter to him and just not send it?

 

please keep us posted on how you are doing. just know that, in my eyes, you are being amazingly strong and i only hope that i can endure my breakup like you.

[Own Worst Enemy]

I am so sorry you feel like such sht, and you might not feel like it, but you are being xo dignified and classy about it. I am coping so much worse after something so insignificant in the light of your 15 years, you are a bit of an inspiration, honestly!

[happyme]

Kimeebee.... been there, thinking of you.

 

You're assuming this is about age etc but you know, I was left out of the blue many years ago for another woman who was more than ten years older than me and I was already a couple of years older than him...

 

Also, it's early days... 15 years is a very, very long time. Just wait... sounds to me like this tale is not over yet. And I agree, you are handling yourself beautifully.... keep it up!

 

After 15 years I am assuming this man is not a total *********. He'll have to face his own emotional consequences sooner or later... once he gets this lust thing out of the way I reckon you'll be hearing from him, and that it'll be sooner rather than later.

 

Stay strong... xx

[kimeebee]

Maya...own worst enemy..and happy me!

 

Here I am crying again, not because of him but because of your words...how kind and sweet you beautiful people are it restores my faith in human beings to hear your words.

 

I can't say a bad word about him because we really did adore each other, I can't make him out to be a monster because he was pure kindness to me in almost 16 years. Yes there were many girls who really liked him even chased him and boy did that worry me but he never left my side...until now...so yes you are right he must have truly loved me.

 

He could only have met this woman approx 6 weeks ago as she is his mums neighbour and that's when his mum moved there. He only went to see his mum on a Saturday for no more than 2 hours...and in that time scale he has become obsessed with her. People like to talk and that's how I know that he is infatuated with her, it gives me satisfaction that she is nothing special with 2 children apparently and not a sex bomb lol...but also makes me angry that he told me he wanted his freedom, travel etc and then promptly starts dating a woman with 2 kids after knowing her for a few snatched hours in 6 weeks???

 

19 days NC and although I am still very low I am doing things, changing my car, walking a lot...hair cut....and I am positive I will not break NC...I will love him to the day I die of that there is no doubt and I am the better person to let him go.

I wish him all the best but don't think I can ever forgive that he threw me in the garbage like a piece of trash, it wasn't the age thing that I'm sure of...he just somehow thinks he is in love with this OW and I have to accept that...but am I allowed to hope it wont last lol?

 

NOT because I want him back....but because I just want him and her to feel the pain I felt.

 

THANKS SO MUCH for your support I can't do this without you XXXX

[maya.arrow]

Stay strong, kimeebee! Believe me, all those things you are doing sound wonderful. Every day, just try to do one thing that is nice to yourself, even if it takes every ounce of your energy. For a time, I tried to keep a journal where I would write three good things about the day before I went to bed. Sometimes it was a struggle to come up with three, but it did help.

 

It's so strange that he got attached to this woman so fast. But then again, it probably was a combination of his mental/emotional state and the timing of meeting her. Maybe there was a part of him that started to want kids? Maybe he is having sort of a midlife crisis?

 

And of course you are allowed to hope it doesn't last! You are allowed any feeling you have about this...it's just what we do with those feelings that are important, eh? I have times I feel so low these days, and I know I deserve more than what he gives me...I miss feeling the way he used to make me feel--adored and the most beautiful woman in the world. He loves me and is very affectionate...but I feel like he never notices me anymore. It hurts because he just grows more beautiful to me every day. I hate feeling like for him...I am slowly fading away.

 

I have a few more months, and I will have to just figure out how to live without him. I have no children, I have few friends where I am, and my closest people live half the world away. This is going to be very hard. You will have to give me some tips to get through it, kimeebee!