Men who refuse to talk

[pleasenotagain]

Howdy folks....so Ive been trolling the web for weeks now looking up the same old advice as the rest of us and decided to sign up and post my dilemna....I feel kinda silly but here goes.....I'm probably looking for a mans opinion but all are welcome....And will try to make this as short as possible.

 

Been with my boyfriend for a little over two years...great connection, great chemistry, great love, great talks ..time flies when we are together...things are amazing when we are together but arguments are the opposite extreme..we dont fight often but when we do.....

 

..we've both been taken for a ride a few times by past relationships so I think it holds us back a little....

anyhow its been a little over three weeks since we have seen each other, with very little contact if at all.....any contact was me calling him to talk with the exception of one meaningless text from him...

 

we havent talked because he up and walked out after i insinuated something i shouldnt have to him.....he up and left basically in the middle of the night because of this...more to it but thats the jist....I let him go which is against all my instincts..i am the type to fight and discuss and resolve on the spot..he needs to walk away to chill to not say anything he shouldnt....

so i think ok..this isnt so bad..he will call in a few days....but he didnt...I called him after a week to a not so warm welcome...

 

Should i see this as a sign that he wants to break up? I have given him two or three opportunities to break it off (via phone and email) to which he ignores those questions and just says he is upset and he doesnt want to talk right now...that he is afraid it will make things worse....so i left it..it has been three days since that....

he is not the type to say what he is feeling...we broke up once before and he was adamant he was done etc etc...and had no problems telling me....I asked him point blank if he had given up to which i got no response (email) and another that said if this is how we are gonna end let me know...all i got was i dont think its a good idea to talk right now and he was getting sick of the crap (not sure what crap)

I guess my question is....while I know this isnt necessarily normal behaviour.....what should i do? Has anyone been with someone like this and/or are the type to need time and lots of it to calm down?

Should I continue to try and fix this or what? Anytime we have fought before i didnt back down...this time ive given him his space like he says he needs..yet he isnt coming around...or at least not fast enough for me...........

Edited May 16, 2012 by pleasenotagain

[fucpcg]

Wish I had something positive to share, but I don't. Beware of anyone who can't talk to you about problems in a relationship. When I had arguments with my ex, I would always talk to her about them. When she really got upset with me one day, she walked out of my house, texted me she was going home. We texted back and forth, with me saying please come over and talk to me, her response was no you don't want to talk or hear what I have to say. We had limited contact for about a month, with me asking to talk, but only getting short unpleasant texts in return. After that month she snapped on me one day and said no I will never speak to you again, and a year and two months later, she kept that promise. I don't know how some just can't communicate in a relationship, but it happens. Just happened to me. Some would rather stew in anger than communicate.

[pleasenotagain]

thanks for taking the time to respond..... I tend to agree with you..but you know how it goes....sometimes the heart takes over everything your head knows is right

I wont say he cant ever talk because we have talked about anything and everything when we were together...and some very tough subjects...but yes when he gets hurt or angry he pretty well bails.... ive talked to him about it before and he says he does it so he doesnt say anything he cant can respect that especially since i am the opposite and tend to lash out but can also get over things quite easily especially when i love the person....neither of us ever had a problem bringing up issues when the going was good..and we could be quite honest with one another....

I tend to do the same as you ..text and call etc etc just to deal with it then and there....when we broke up a year ago (for about this same amount of time) I played it differently and I forced him to talk which lead him to come around on his own....

this time im doing what i promised which is to leave him be and im not getting the same response as if id been hounding him for attention and to make up....its taking a lot out of me to against how i usually deal with issues (head on) because i am trying to respect what he says he needs in these situations...yet it seems to be the exact opposite reaction of what I would expect.............i almost wonder if he needs me to prove my feelings ....

i agree some would rather stew.....with him I dont think he would rather....I just think he doesnt know what to do with his mixed emotions....

how long were you with your ex when she pulled that?

[esteem-jam]

As a male, Ill answer. He is hurt by something you said, so he went thus you wont see him sobbing/crying, etc. Because in his view, if you see him upset, if he confirms that you hurt him deeply, it will show him as weak, and in his view of the world- weak man is not good, so to save himself from exposing this weakness to you- he went to recover his emotions.

 

Try, really put more effort. Do not bring the problem straight up. If you call him, tell him about your day, speak your thoughts aloud, let him be informed about your life, even if he doesnt return interest. Talk with him like an equal human, dont criticise or insult. Then drop some hints about wanting to meet. If you meet (one on one), continiue talking about small matters. Then, when you feel he is confortable with unimportant talk, tell him that he must communicate his problems to you, and that you want to work on this.

[pleasenotagain]

Thanks esteem! For some reason your post hit me where it hurts I know he is hurt! he did tell me that...and that he is also P*****D off....I equate p***d off to hurt...just knowing him..cause he gets over being mad pretty easy...if that makes any sense at all

in my email to him I apologized again that what i said was inappropriate and not what I truely thought...but it was a reaction to the way he had been acting....Its interesting you say to tell him about my life....theres not usually much to say other than the usual day to day stuff..but funny enough ....this last month has been full of crazy things that all ive wanted to do is call him and tell him..but ive restrained myself.... some of the things not good and I know he would be disappointed that i didnt call him to tell him....

anyways....the three times i have called him, he always answers ..doesnt say much but always answers and makes a point to call me back if he is busy even if it is dead silence on his end.....thats a good sign right>? lol

i know if i contact him with unimportant stuff he will always answer....

I think my problem now is that I basically told him i would leave him be until he was no longer mad...that is something i have a hard time with so im trying to stay strong..should i just disregard that and start the small talk?

[esteem-jam]

If you ever saw the movie Mystic River (2003 (I didnt like the movie overall, just mentioning just in case)), there is an ex-woman and she calls character of Bevin Bacon and doesnt say a word. Then K. Bacon goes off the usual: I know its you, and tells her stuff even she is not responding.

Likewise is how you can talk to him until he has something relavant he can drop (say) in the conversation. This is how you can open him up. Mention to him that he can come to your work/home/place? if he is near or something. At this point I doubt he would initiate because of fear of rejection, but if you tell him he can come and youll be happy, I am sure he will appear.

 

After all what you have to lose? You can always get the single status, you know its right in front of you. But if you want him back you must let that pride go.

I saw this quote by Sun Tsu somewhere: You have to master the art of winning by appearing to lose. In this situation he is very "pullable" back.

As for sexually- if it comes to that, let him know that it is exactly him that you want.

Edited May 16, 2012 by esteem-jam

[pleasenotagain]

I havent seen the movie...maybe i should rent it

 

I do know or believe anyway that if I called him with updates or questions, it wouldnt be long before he started adding to the conversation or whatnot, so youre right, maybe it is pride.....funny because at work today I thought of sending him something work related but chose not to bother him...(we deal with some of the same clients)

 

Youve definitely given me a different perspective....

 

To be honest when i emailed him last week, it started with a non relevant question to him which turned into me telling him I wanted to see him to which he responded that he couldnt because he had his kid etc etc which turned into me spilling my guts and giving him an out of the relationship that he didnt take (yet didnt argue otherwise either)

 

Yes i am very aware that singlehood is right in front of me which I suppose is causing me to try and respect what he says he wants which is not to talk right now. Throughout the relationship I'd like to think ive let my pride go.....when we broke up a year ago, i refused to let him just walk away...i called himoften and made him see me.....I havent done this this time...I know i could show up at his place and he wouldnt turn me away...but i guess i want him to come to me this time.. he would get upset if i pushed things yet, he couldnt stay away... so maybe by my staying away this time and respecting his space I am actually doing more harm?

Is this an ego thing on his part? he feels hurt so is testing me so to speak?

So you think that i should just disregard that he said he doesnt want to talk to me now? call him anyway? go see him? Interesting quote! Why do you think he is so pullable? because he wont come out and say we are broken up? isnt three weeks without contact a break up?

As for sexually.....not sure exactly where you are going with that.....but that is something that has never been an issue with us....I know for a fact that would be the easy way to have him back.....but that seems like manipulation to me....

[xpaperxcutx]

When you gave him an out and ywt you decided to go back to him, that was an indication to him that you can't ever stick to your words. So now he knows he can test your boundaries yet in the end you'll be the one going back to him first.

Ifa man who is in love in with you can easily de@cide to ignore youyou have to wonder whether he's mature enough dfor a relationship.

He has your contacts and your number. He knows where to find you. If he doesn't get back to you you walk away. This is not about pride this is about a relatgionship where both of your feelings need to be taken into account. Right now him ignoring you is compleetely disrespectful and disregards your feelings.

[pleasenotagain]

he didn't take the out...hes hasn't said we are broken up...just that he very upset and doesn't want to talk now...call me naive or unwilling to see reality but I'm trying to take him at his word. He isn't afraid to speak his mind and he had no problems being clear a year ago that we were broken up....so that's why this is causing me some confusion. I would usually agree that being ignored is showing no regard to my feelings...to which I told him and asked him if he wanted me to back off. That is when he replied that he is hurt and can't talk now...i guess I don't understand how you can think yoi are still with someone you haven't seen in weeks....and think that perfectly ok because you are mad

[flitzanu]

Howdy folks....so Ive been trolling the web for weeks now looking up the same old advice as the rest of us and decided to sign up and post my dilemna....I feel kinda silly but here goes.....I'm probably looking for a mans opinion but all are welcome....And will try to make this as short as possible.

 

Been with my boyfriend for a little over two years...great connection, great chemistry, great love, great talks ..time flies when we are together...things are amazing when we are together but arguments are the opposite extreme..we dont fight often but when we do.....

 

..we've both been taken for a ride a few times by past relationships so I think it holds us back a little....

anyhow its been a little over three weeks since we have seen each other, with very little contact if at all.....any contact was me calling him to talk with the exception of one meaningless text from him...

 

we havent talked because he up and walked out after i insinuated something i shouldnt have to him.....he up and left basically in the middle of the night because of this...more to it but thats the jist....I let him go which is against all my instincts..i am the type to fight and discuss and resolve on the spot..he needs to walk away to chill to not say anything he shouldnt....

so i think ok..this isnt so bad..he will call in a few days....but he didnt...I called him after a week to a not so warm welcome...

 

Should i see this as a sign that he wants to break up? I have given him two or three opportunities to break it off (via phone and email) to which he ignores those questions and just says he is upset and he doesnt want to talk right now...that he is afraid it will make things worse....so i left it..it has been three days since that....

he is not the type to say what he is feeling...we broke up once before and he was adamant he was done etc etc...and had no problems telling me....I asked him point blank if he had given up to which i got no response (email) and another that said if this is how we are gonna end let me know...all i got was i dont think its a good idea to talk right now and he was getting sick of the crap (not sure what crap)

I guess my question is....while I know this isnt necessarily normal behaviour.....what should i do? Has anyone been with someone like this and/or are the type to need time and lots of it to calm down?

Should I continue to try and fix this or what? Anytime we have fought before i didnt back down...this time ive given him his space like he says he needs..yet he isnt coming around...or at least not fast enough for me...........

 

that really depends on what you insinuated and the bearing it has on the argument and/or relationship.

 

but, walking out and NOT coming back to me would indicate he's either wanting a reaction for you to chase him, or he doesn't care enough to work out the issue.

 

simple rule, it takes approximately 20 mins for endorphins and such to leave the body once you're hyped up and angry, so someone walks away for a half-hour and then comes back to discuss calmly...different story.

 

someone leaves in the middle of the night because you hurt their feelings...and they still aren't talking to you 3 weeks later...probably means your relationship isn't working.

[xpaperxcutx]

he didn't take the out...hes hasn't said we are broken up...just that he very upset and doesn't want to talk now...call me naive or unwilling to see reality but I'm trying to take him at his word. He isn't afraid to speak his mind and he had no problems being clear a year ago that we were broken up....so that's why this is causing me some confusion. I would usually agree that being ignored is showing no regard to my feelings...to which I told him and asked him if he wanted me to back off. That is when he replied that he is hurt and can't talk now...i guess I don't understand how you can think yoi are still with someone you haven't seen in weeks....and think that perfectly ok because you are mad

 

I reread your posts- he got mad because you got emotional at the fact he hasn't made time to see you?

one thing I knoe about a relationship, it requires the parties involved to put in effort to make time to see each other. Two years is long time fpr him not to male u a priority ... the only ppl who don't make u a priority are the ones who down value you.. my ex did tje same thing- I didn't want him to put me above his job but you don't work 7 days a week and dpnt even plan one day to be with me.

 

I agree with everyone, this relationship isn't working. there shouldn't be any power games especially with him ignoring you and expecting you to chase him. the more mature approach would have been him understanding your feelings and assuring you that he will work on things. he didn't do that.

[Chi townD]

I'm the same way as your man. I will walk away and calm down from an argument rather than to stay in a heated debate where I might end up saying something that I don't mean, or I'll regret.

 

What did you insinuate that would make him leave for days?

[pleasenotagain]

but do you leave for days or weeks?

Those are his reasons too....

I do see it as a good thing so as to not say something hurtful that you cant take back...but how long is really acceptable? do you expect to be chased as some posters are suggesting? (if you truly feel that you did no wrong to cause you to leave the argument?)

 

id rather not say..lol..but basically along the lines that he wasnt giving his all i suppose....that to me would make me want to find out where its coming from..not avoid discussing it.... we have had heart to hearts where way worse was discussed.

 

I'm the same way as your man. I will walk away and calm down from an argument rather than to stay in a heated debate where I might end up saying something that I don't mean, or I'll regret.

 

What did you insinuate that would make him leave for days?

[pleasenotagain]

I reread your posts- he got mad because you got emotional at the fact he hasn't made time to see you?

one thing I knoe about a relationship, it requires the parties involved to put in effort to make time to see each other. Two years is long time fpr him not to male u a priority ... the only ppl who don't make u a priority are the ones who down value you.. my ex did tje same thing- I didn't want him to put me above his job but you don't work 7 days a week and dpnt even plan one day to be with me.

 

I agree with everyone, this relationship isn't working. there shouldn't be any power games especially with him ignoring you and expecting you to chase him. the more mature approach would have been him understanding your feelings and assuring you that he will work on things. he didn't do that.

 

no that was a response to another question...he always made time to see me...i was more referring to past arguments and how he deals with them. generally speaking i would see him three to four times a week. There were some days that i didnt hear from him though.

I will agree for sure that some parts of the relationship not working and was tough to work out different opinions sometimes.... but they definitely werent deal breakers on both parts and just required more effort on both our parts to resolve those....

 

As for the other posters suggesting I chase him. What does this accomplish for him? is this a self esteem thing, a pride thing? I would tend to agree that might just be what he wants despite his denial and standoffishness, beccause as much as he says he doesnt want or like that, it is always what has worked in the past. This letting him pout is getting me nowhere and fast.