Aapa Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I don't know the answer to his question but I NEED an answer. I am lonely. I have been for some time. I am 41 and only had one relationship in my life, two years ago. It was an intense one and we did love each other. We broke up for various reasons, too complicated to get into here, but he met someone else within a month of our break up and married her within a year. I do have some unresolved grief. I had wanted us to get backl together and work on our differences, and contacted him again not long after our break up, but he had already met someone. That took me for a shock, given the intensity of our emotions (we were talking marriage) and the unresolved way we had left things. Neither one of us were immature, given our ages. Anyway... I had periods in my 30s when, now that I look back, I was lonely. At the time I just thought there was something wrong with me for not being 100% happy with just having professional success, activities like running clubs and aerobics classes, business networking, taking up new hobbies like photography, travelling, and home decorating after I bought a house at age 34. I now realize that I was yearning for companionship and intimacy throughout that time, ad that yearning was producing some inner discontent. I did try online dating, for a long time, and went on the odd date from time to time. I then met that man at age 39, and was pretty happy for about 8 months before it ended. Anyway, I thought I would go back to the same-old once the grief was over. But I find that I'm getting lonelier. Try as I might to maintain contact with friends, and despite my continued involvement in various athletic pursuits and a bit of volunteer work, plus a rewarding career, I feel like I'm wilting, like a plant that isn't getting enough water. I still have an online profile on many dating sites, but I guess because of my age I don't get a lot of responses. I usually read, sleep and shop on the weekends, sometimes go into the office, visit my mom, or do errands around my home. I have fiends here and there that I may chat on the phone with, and have the odd dinner out. But I feel disengaged from life. I feel hurt, too, that the man I was involved with didn't/hasn't gone through the same thing....his life kept blooming. I have tried. In the first year, I had hope, I thought I was still cute and young looking, and ive always considered myself to be an interesting person, and believed that if I kept up with my usual activities I would feel some degree of contentment with life. But a lot of my single girlfriends that I had in my late 30s are now in committed relationships, married, and/or with babies. I guess I really need to know....will I get used to this? And, if I do meet someone online, will he think I don't have a life, and run as fast as he can? Am I doomed to leading the life that I am? If I am wilting, will I just continue to wilt? Before you ask, yes I am seeing a Counsellor, ever since the break up (my initial grief, which was quite profound, has morphed into something else. Something darker, which she attributes to loneliness). I think because I was always unsuccessful in attracting male attention (even though I was nice looking, intelligent and fun), I just assumed I could be content with the status quo of working hard, meeting up with a friend for coffee or a movie, traveling (have done a fair bit of that), praying, and staying physically active. But it's not working anymore. And, I'm worried about the upcoming decade.
Mr Scorpio Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Lets see: successful career, likes to travel, cute, plenty of hobbies. You sound like a catch to me. My question is why you waited so long to pursue a relationship/intimacy? 2
Author Aapa Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Lets see: successful career, likes to travel, cute, plenty of hobbies. You sound like a catch to me. My question is why you waited so long to pursue a relationship/intimacy? Well, not that it's terribly relevant at this stage, but.....I was shy, studious (nerdy), and I'm a Generation One (parents are immigrants fom another culture). So I was a late bloomer....if you can say I was ever really a bloomer in the love department.
eles83 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 If I am wilting, will I just continue to wilt? Before you ask, yes I am seeing a Counsellor, ever since the break up (my initial grief, which was quite profound, has morphed into something else. Something darker, which she attributes to loneliness). I think because I was always unsuccessful in attracting male attention (even though I was nice looking, intelligent and fun), I just assumed I could be content with the status quo of working hard, meeting up with a friend for coffee or a movie, traveling (have done a fair bit of that), praying, and staying physically active. But it's not working anymore. And, I'm worried about the upcoming decade. You sound kind of awesome. I don't think you're wilting and I have seen countless women find their special someone a lot later than you... (I'm not saying you will find that person a lot later, I'm just saying, the future is still full of promise). One thing I will ask: do you smile a lot? Because I, perhaps like you, have been in spells where I felt hopelessly lonely/sad/frustrated with my apparent inability to attract any kind of attention and I think I projected that outward... When I make an effort to smile (not terribly easy, I'm pretty darn shy), people are significantly more receptive... Even if you don't mean it, a smile can really help. 3
Author Aapa Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 One thing I will ask: do you smile a lot? Because I, perhaps like you, have been in spells where I felt hopelessly lonely/sad/frustrated with my apparent inability to attract any kind of attention and I think I projected that outward... When I make an effort to smile (not terribly easy, I'm pretty darn shy), people are significantly more receptive... Even if you don't mean it, a smile can really help. Well, I smile in my dating profile picture. These days, I don't have much to smile about. The loneliness is a bit of a stumbing block but I"m trying really hard.
esteem-jam Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 OK, sometimes I get pissed with this "just smile" attitude. If your smile is not genuine, not real, not natural, if it is forced... then it comes off as deceiving. No matter how good of actor you think you are, if you smile at wrong time at unappropriate things- it will display as whack. Do you know it is technically not possibleto smile all the time? The muscles get tired. Smile is for special occasions. You are deceiving yourself and deceiving others if forced -> your needs are not being met, you smile just for the sake and pleasure of other. What about you? Now, I can suggest something contrasting, just for the change of scenery. Aapa, have you thought of going on a sex spree? I am sure 40 something women get lots of contact from 20s dudes, wanting to get a "milf". You have been holding off for a long time. Havent you thought? You have nothing to lose, nobody will suffer if you do. Granted, they will love your body, not your soul! It is just an idea, Im not telling go for it, but who do you hurt anyway if you do? As for a role model online profile. I am sure you get messages from "lovable losers", that is, men who had their own share of unluck and disappointment. Now, if someone like that would see your near-perfect profile, they would doubt themselves if they are any good for you and probably not message you. What you should do is change the feeling/style of your profile. Make it less appearing. The messages you get will change, the ratio of bad men:good men will change, more towards "bad men". I doubt all 40-something males will be fat, bold, beer drinking TV watching bodies. Once in a while you will get someone decent, but burned by life.
Author Aapa Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 As for a role model online profile. I am sure you get messages from "lovableI doubt all 40-something males will be fat, bold, beer drinking TV watching bodies. Once in a while you will get someone decent, but burned by life. I agree, once in a while I do get emails from decent guys. Once in a while. But regardless, I generally don't get a lot of interest, from the decent ones or the non-decent ones. I'm just wondering if I will come to terms with the aloneness, and if the grief will go away 100%. I always read on here about people moving on to other relationships, and my ex certainly did in a flash with flying colours. But that was not my reality and things just stayed the same but at a lower level of "blah" than before the ex was even in the picture. Its heart renching, really, because I think I was an ok person before all this happened. Now I just feel like I don't have a life, or companionship.
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