wifeyy Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 day is my 3 month marraige anniversary with my husband. I am 19 and he is 22. He has been a very very jealous man from the start but i overlooked this because he has so many different good things about him. Right from the start he had set alot of ground rules so we would have a sucessful marriage even though we are so young. We both deleted anyone from the opposite. Sex out of our phones, unfriended any ex or anyone we even have feeling for on facebook. We never hang out with anyone of the opposite sex alone ect....he made these rules and I accepted them because I found they were fair. We ofetn switch phones just to silence any doubt we have about each other and to just make things go way smoother. Lastnight I looked through his phone and he had secret messages to a girl he used to have very stong feeling for. He talked about how I would kill him if i found this and to not hit him up on the regular and was giving her specific times he would call and get online to write her. He talked about how many times he had looked her up and saw she was engaged. The talked about how she was supposed to wait for him to return home from the army (we are both in the army stationed in ga) and well I wont tell you what every message said but he was hinting he wasnt happy and life isnt over yet for the two of them....I love this man with everything in my soul...and I just dont know what to do. When I comfronted him he said when she wrote him he slipped into old bad habbits. He swears he was never going to call her or keep doing it and it was just one time.....how can I believe it wont happen again especially when we more back to california with all the females he used to chase in grasp..not just being able to talk to then 1000 miles away but when he would be able to get in his car and go to them...how can I believe we have any hope of having a successful marraige when after 3 months he is alreadg seeking attention elsewhere? Please help
darkmoon Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 be glad you are childless and look for a new husband who does a better job of it, you will not be pretty as only a teen can be forever, at this radiant stage you can have any man you want - this one is messing you about, if you can't leave at least give him a dose of his own meds, get a male friend, do not be a doormat, it might jolt him, the cheeky piece! 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 He's super jealous and doing off things himself? The level of paranoia I see in what you two are having to do to be secure is just not normal imho. I think he's projecting his own bad qualities onto you, suspicious you will do unfaithful things because he knows what he's contemplating doing himself. You are SOOOO YOUNG! And only 3 months in? I'm sure it's horribly hard on your heart, but I would say better to cut losses now. My relationship with my wife started out great(I was actually your age when we met), no stuff like what you are going through. It's ending after 4 years of dating + 14 years marriage because of infidelity. This will devastate my poor unsuspecting 9 yr old daughter. I'm looking for subtle signs 18 years ago that would have told me she was a cheater... There are lots of other people here who have been in the same boat as me. How long did you date? I just couldn't start a life-long relationship like that. Things might suck right now, but you've got your whole life ahead of you! 1
pteromom Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I love this man with everything in my soul...and I just dont know what to do. Since it was a one-time thing, and nothing more serious than texting happened, I would give him the chance to prove he's learned from it, and I would move forward. BUT - the fact that you describe him as controlling concerns me. More than the texting, actually. i overlooked this because he has so many different good things about him. I would work on yourself so that you don't "overlook" important red flags. Do NOT let your "soul" make your choices for you. Use your head. And stay on very very good birth control for at least a few years. The thing is - you are both very young. It could be that he's just immature and needs to grow up a bit. Or it could be that he's a controlling cheater, and he's just starting to show his true colors. Only time will tell. 1
Author wifeyy Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 He has taken away every single guy friend I have ever had. He is constantly mad when ever I am on my phone to long and looks at my history on my smartphones web browzer everytime he comes home.We are both being kicked out of the military (long story) and I dont even have enough money to make it back home and have no one around here anymore that coulf help me because of all the bridges he MADE me burn.before we were married he found messages on FB from a guy trying to talk to me and I played into it BUT I didnt even know him yet it was a week after we started dating, I have tried to explain the differences and how we are married now. And I never want to be divorced. I have trust issues because I am being kkcked out of the military because My only friend here...my roomate planted drugs in my room when they did a suprise inspection so she wouldnt get caught for it and I would be blamed while I was on my honeymoon. Now I am out of the military and stuck in the middle of georgia waiting to see my family, homesick, slightly down and scared everyone is just out for themselves now. Even my own husband. He knows I have been having more and more trust issues due to recent events and then this on saterday...im so sick and tierd right now...my life went from having a great promising career in the army as a paralegal, being happiliy married, renting a beautiful home and being finacially set to litteraly nothing but a broken heart and an empty pocket in 2 months....... :'(
CarrieT Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 You are SOOOO YOUNG! And only 3 months in? I'm sure it's horribly hard on your heart' date=' but I would say better to cut losses now. [/quote'] ^^ THIS ^^ You are not in a healthy relationship. People with open, trustful and honest relationships CAN have people of the opposite sex and that he is being this restrictive is not healthy. What others said: He is projecting his own fears onto you and it will only get worse. 1
pteromom Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 because of all the bridges he MADE me burn. Nobody can MAKE you do anything. It is up to you to create and enforce your own boundaries, and it is up to you to decide what you will or won't accept. If you'll accept ANYTHING from him because you love him with all your soul, you are already screwed. You have to stand up for yourself and be the person you want to be. His jealousy is his problem.
Squishy_Belle Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Girl, i know it is easy for me to say this but i have been right where you are and i think you need to wake up. Deep down you know it isn't going to work out the way you have been living your married life. I got married at 19 and my stbxh sounded just like your husband. Everyone saw it but me that it was never going to work. I thought if i live by his rules and keep him happy the one person i loved with all my heart would love me back and we would be happy together. In all reality your going to lose yourself and become someone you don't want to be if you haven't already. I became depressed and started suffering with anxiety and totally lost myself. My stbxh jelousy and insecurity got worse over time and eventually started being emotionally abusive to get his way. It took me 2 years to get out of a very unhealthy marriage and even though i am hurting, in the back of my head i just kept telling myself that i was to young to live the way i was. I left 7months ago and in all honesty as much as i miss being with my stbxh sometimes, things are working out so much better. I feel free. I can be friends with whoever i want to. I can go wherever i want. I can just live without worrying about a phone call from him being super mad because im not home on time or because i decided to go to the store just to get out the house. I am now in the process of fixing friendships with people i just left behind for this marriage and have come to realise it was never worth it because i should of never had to quit talking to them in the first place. Only you can help yourself. Sometimes love isn't everything and i think eventually you will see that for yourself that there is more to life. Your 19 and still have your whole life ahead of you. Im now 22 and finally starting nursing and trying to make something out of my life and trying to find myself again. If you need to talk just PM 2
96nole Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Girl, i know it is easy for me to say this but i have been right where you are and i think you need to wake up. Deep down you know it isn't going to work out the way you have been living your married life. I got married at 19 and my stbxh sounded just like your husband. Everyone saw it but me that it was never going to work. I thought if i live by his rules and keep him happy the one person i loved with all my heart would love me back and we would be happy together. In all reality your going to lose yourself and become someone you don't want to be if you haven't already. I became depressed and started suffering with anxiety and totally lost myself. My stbxh jelousy and insecurity got worse over time and eventually started being emotionally abusive to get his way. It took me 2 years to get out of a very unhealthy marriage and even though i am hurting, in the back of my head i just kept telling myself that i was to young to live the way i was. I left 7months ago and in all honesty as much as i miss being with my stbxh sometimes, things are working out so much better. I feel free. I can be friends with whoever i want to. I can go wherever i want. I can just live without worrying about a phone call from him being super mad because im not home on time or because i decided to go to the store just to get out the house. I am now in the process of fixing friendships with people i just left behind for this marriage and have come to realise it was never worth it because i should of never had to quit talking to them in the first place. Only you can help yourself. Sometimes love isn't everything and i think eventually you will see that for yourself that there is more to life. Your 19 and still have your whole life ahead of you. Im now 22 and finally starting nursing and trying to make something out of my life and trying to find myself again. If you need to talk just PM Wifeyy, Please read the above post several more times. Let it sink in. You are entirely too young to be controlled this way. Your husband is already breaking the rules HE SET. He made you break contact with all your friends so you would be alienated. Then it is easier for him to control you. He is walking on you. It's time for you to walk out. Love is about trust. But he made all those rules because he doesn't trust you, because he doesn't trust himself. He is already proving that he can't be trusted. You are still so, so young, that you don't realize your best years are ahead of you. But they won't be with a cheating, controlling husband. Run away now while you still have the chance. 1
Author wifeyy Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 Thank you all(: I know I am strong enough to stand up for myself and will. I talked to God all night last night and he has help me see what is right for me, along with the kind word of a few decent people left in the world. Godbless you all, I am gateful. 1
hinatticus Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I agree with everyone here. You guys are waay too young. Nobody, even people in their right mind aren't emotionally mature at that age. You're human and need to grow and experience life before settling down. I'll be the first to admit I have jealous tendencies, but I know better, he should know better! It's one thing to be transparent in a relationship, but your husband is taking it to a whole new level. Like others have said, once you live life by someone else's RULES, you lose yourself. I'm all for trying to make a relationship work, but whoever screws it up the most, in your case it's your husband with all these whacked out rules, should do most of the fixing. I'd say separate him(for at least 6 months), and maybe, just maybe he'll come to his senses and fix himself. I highly doubt he will realize anything though. He's too young, too full of pride, probably thinks he's right all the time, too immature, I could go on. In the meantime you should do the same, just not to his extent. You have to develope a sense of self. You probably don't even know who you are anymore. You're not a slave. You are a young girl with your whole life ahead of you. You don't need this crap at your age! Man this guy is getting me riled up. I thought I had issues and my girl left me, this guy is freakin married? What a cruel world we live in. Anyway I'm done ranting.... Hope you get through this awful mess
Author wifeyy Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 Squishy Bell....i dont know how to pm but i sure would love to talk more!!
CarrieT Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Squishy Bell....i dont know how to pm but i sure would love to talk more!! Unfortunately, you can't PM until you have established yourself on the board longer (like 50-some posts...) Stay strong and continue to post here - we are all here to help you.
Squishy_Belle Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Unfortunately, you can't PM until you have established yourself on the board longer (like 50-some posts...) Stay strong and continue to post here - we are all here to help you. Cr@p i didnt know that :-/ Is there any other way i can give her my fb or something so we can talk?
standtall Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Well wifeyy...you are not going to be able to change him or his jealous behavior. Consider this a youthful mistake and see if you can get your marriage annulled.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 He has taken away every single guy friend I have ever had. He is constantly mad when ever I am on my phone to long and looks at my history on my smartphones web browzer everytime he comes home.We are both being kicked out of the military (long story) and I dont even have enough money to make it back home and have no one around here anymore that coulf help me because of all the bridges he MADE me burn.before we were married he found messages on FB from a guy trying to talk to me and I played into it BUT I didnt even know him yet it was a week after we started dating, I have tried to explain the differences and how we are married now. And I never want to be divorced. I have trust issues because I am being kkcked out of the military because My only friend here...my roomate planted drugs in my room when they did a suprise inspection so she wouldnt get caught for it and I would be blamed while I was on my honeymoon. Now I am out of the military and stuck in the middle of georgia waiting to see my family, homesick, slightly down and scared everyone is just out for themselves now. Even my own husband. He knows I have been having more and more trust issues due to recent events and then this on saterday...im so sick and tierd right now...my life went from having a great promising career in the army as a paralegal, being happiliy married, renting a beautiful home and being finacially set to litteraly nothing but a broken heart and an empty pocket in 2 months....... :'( Wow, this is major stuff. Like most, I cringed immediately when you didn't take long to tell of his being 'very jealous'. Yet then the steps he choreographed for BOTH of you seemed quite fair and reasonable. The trading-phones part was especially innovative in that regard, particularly as he was willing to reciprocate. At any rate, you have soooooooooooooooooo many bigger problems that perhaps the ones central to this thread will look much less major once you've solved some of the others. You really do need someone to talk to... if "being" kicked out of the military still implies you are in the military, do you still have access to counselors or psychologists there on base? IF SO, I would RUN, not walk, to make an appointment with someone to talk to, juuuuuuuuuuuuuust so you can get your priorities in order and map-out an immediate path after you depart from the military. Make the top priority your own psychological well being. The rest will come in due time.
William Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 Moderator note: Please do not publish commercial links which could or would identify yourself or another member in real life. The PM system on Loveshack is available to established members who have been a member 30 days or more and have posted 100 posts or more. Alternatively, a member can subscribe to the forum for as little as 2.50 per month and can gain such access and other perks immediately. Continue the discussion.
Trimmer Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 William - I understand you cleaning up my post where I told her not to post a facebook link (Note that when I quoted it, I deactivated the link so it was not longer a threat, at least in the quote in my post...) but is there any chance you could reactivate the rest of my post, where I gave my direct advice on her situation? Don't we always talk about how LS doesn't delete posts by request, because it's not fair when someone puts in the time to address a situation? It seems a shame to delete my whole post, when I put that time into it for the benefit of the OP...
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