RiverRunning Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I was with my ex for...well...a very long time. Earlier in our relationship, he would explode into temper tantrums that, frankly, frightened me. Given my upbringing in a verbally abusive household, I often believed - and he told me - that I was just being 'too sensitive.' When he moved onto a better job, these outbursts eventually disappeared. But there was one thing he did every then and again that would make me so angry. He might ask me to do something one way - and not because I was spiting him, but maybe I wasn't really listening (oops!), I would do it differently or not do it at all - he would say to me angrily, "What the f*** did I just say?" As though I were a child. I always thought that it was incredibly disrespectful and aggressive over things that were ALWAYS stupid and minor (i.e., leaving a light on by accident...we were never strapped for cash period, let alone enough to deal with crap over a light). What verbal abuse have you undergone?
Feelin Frisky Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Gee, what a great idea for a stroll down memory lane. (NOT!) I don't give verbal abuse and therefore don't accept it but since I answered a question about BPD last night and it's still fresh it's not too much of a drag to repeat. I met a girl in college at night--me 32, her 25. I were going hot and heavy for several weeks and I already knew i was hoping to meet a marriage partner at that point in my life and wondered if she could be it. (I didn't know yet that she was married at 23 and divorced by 25, just that the reason she was "free" was that her terrible boyfriend just up and split on her one day. I would later find out why.) Well anyway, we had to bring stamped self-addressed envelopes for our professor to return out term papers and she said she would get then from her office and bring one for me. She brought two huge 13x11 manila envelopes and a single letter-sized stamp for both. She wrote our addresses as the addressee and the return address. I said thanks but wondered aloud if the Post Office will handle them properly because it could look like we were trying to avoid the higher postage it probably was. After weeks of love and having our tongues down each other's throats, she yanks the envelope out of my hand with this hellish voice and growls "if you don't want the fu_king thing, don't take it". That was the first sign that OMG, this seemingly wonderful and perfect relationship is not gonna work. It went on it's course to a total nightmare. But to say I was flummoxed and had my jaw hit the flaw when she spoke to me like that would be an understatement. Do unto others. An I wasn't about excusing that by just speaking to her like that. There is no excuse.
LadyGrey Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I've had 2 ex's, one xh and one xbf who were abusive. xh was jealous and controlling and probably other things that I can't recall because its been so long ago. More recently although but more than a few years ago an xbf was emotionally and verbally abusive. He started being controlling and irrationally jealous, eventually it became verbal abuse also. When I knew I was leaving was when he said this to me, "you stupid f'ing bitch". Later there were other profanities which just cemented my decision. NO ONE has ever spoken to me like that before nor do I talk to people like that. To me, it's unforgivable and shows no respect nor regard for me as a person. He might as well have punched me in the mouth. That was the end, he just didn't know it yet but he found out a few months later.
pteromom Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 The story with the manila envelope is something that could happen in my marriage. He commonly uses the f-bomb and the word "stupid" when talking to me - sometimes even when he isn't angry. I could sit here and remember all the horrible things he's said and type them out, but I won't. No reason to just hurt myself needlessly. 1
Stillgrowing Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Pteromom, that's exactly where I'm at. I'll say, "where are the scissors?" and I'll get, "I don't F*ck*ing know, how stupid are you that the scissors don't go back in the f(&*(ng drawer, I don't get how hard it can be.....(and on and on for several minutes). Forget asking anything that's the least bit controversial. No money discussions, no saying something is broken, etc.. lest I get a complete tongue lashing. It's better at times but if the job is bad, the verbal abuse is bad. The one thing that he constantly says to me and the kids is, "What is WRONG with you". Luckily I'm pretty strong and I know there is nothing wrong with me and I'm teaching my girls the same thing. I've taken on the role when the girls break something I take the blame and verbal abuse or we fix it quickly. I grew up this way as well. Makes me teary just typing that. A
pteromom Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Pteromom, that's exactly where I'm at. I'll say, "where are the scissors?" and I'll get, "I don't F*ck*ing know, how stupid are you that the scissors don't go back in the f(&*(ng drawer, I don't get how hard it can be.....(and on and on for several minutes). Forget asking anything that's the least bit controversial. No money discussions, no saying something is broken, etc.. lest I get a complete tongue lashing. It's better at times but if the job is bad, the verbal abuse is bad. The one thing that he constantly says to me and the kids is, "What is WRONG with you". Luckily I'm pretty strong and I know there is nothing wrong with me and I'm teaching my girls the same thing. I've taken on the role when the girls break something I take the blame and verbal abuse or we fix it quickly. I grew up this way as well. Makes me teary just typing that. A Me too. All of the above. "I don't F***ing know" = CHECK (a few days ago, he changed it up: "How the f*** would I know?") "What is wrong with you?" = CHECK Fixing things quickly so that he doesn't find out = CHECK Just reading yours brings back so much... "You're a weird person." To our son and me: "You dumbasses" (not in a joking way) "If something happened to me, your chances of finding someone else would be slim to none" "Maybe this is why your ex cheated on you; because you were like this with him" "JESUS, WOMAN!!!!" Ugh.
Radagast Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Pteromom, that's exactly where I'm at. I'll say, "where are the scissors?" and I'll get, "I don't F*ck*ing know, how stupid are you that the scissors don't go back in the f(&*(ng drawer, I don't get how hard it can be.....(and on and on for several minutes). Forget asking anything that's the least bit controversial. No money discussions, no saying something is broken, etc.. lest I get a complete tongue lashing. It's better at times but if the job is bad, the verbal abuse is bad. The one thing that he constantly says to me and the kids is, "What is WRONG with you". Luckily I'm pretty strong and I know there is nothing wrong with me and I'm teaching my girls the same thing. I've taken on the role when the girls break something I take the blame and verbal abuse or we fix it quickly. I grew up this way as well. Makes me teary just typing that. A This sounds very like my exwife too and no doubt why I stopped speaking to her at all. She could not respond without a put-down to a simple question and always managed to turn anything into something that I was to blame for. If she wanted to go out and the weather turned nasty, that was somehow my fault. If the kids were doing badly at school, that was my fault. It had to be my fault somehow. She would listen to the news and use that as a backdrop for an unceasing commentary on how awful men were. How all the crimes and all the wars and everything bad in the world was all down to hateful men, that men were evil and toxic and weak and pathetic and she'd point out all men's failings triumphally to my son and me to rub our noses in how stupid and male we are. She would put me down in public, correcting me and calling me stupid if she did not agree and even if she did she'd roll her eyes and mock me for representing the point of view so badly or weakly. She would undermine me in front of the kids. If I said something she'd say the opposite and make sure they listened to her and not me. She would drink to excess and become nasty and spiteful and not remember it when she was sober but never apologise, simply deny and claim we'd made it up. If she was ever wrong she'd deny that she'd said anything like the wrong thing and claim we'd made it up. She would simply erase our memories and overwrite them with the memories she wanted us to have. She told me she stayed with me because she pitied me because no other woman would ever look at me and she did not want the children spending their time in the hovel I would sink to without her. If I was ill I was making it up. If she was ill it was a matter of life and death and our lives had to revolve around nursing her. If the kids got ill it was my fault for giving them weak genes and for not feeding them properly. I was very shocked when I heard her referring to me as handsome and clever as she'd never ever said that to me or even hinted that she thought that but I realised afterward from speaking to the person she'd said that to that she was simply relaying something my parents had (mistakenly) said about me. I don't think she ever loved me. I think she was grateful that I "rescued" her from her unhappy marriage and I think she enjoyed having me around taking care of her for a while and then she kept me on as a dog to kick when she felt bad which was pretty much all the time. I kept hoping she'd look for the next young boy to come along and save her but none ever did.
fucpcg Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 WOW. I've been looking for a thread like this, where people discussed verbal, emotional abuse. My last ex accuses me of being abusive, and it floored me because I've never been accused of being abusive, and its such the opposite of what type of person I desire to be. After reading your stories, I can say I feel bad for you people to have to live with someone like this, but thankful to know I don't sound like these stories.
Author RiverRunning Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 I wish I could say I'm surprised that some stories are so severe. Does anybody else notice a trend in rising verbal abuse if a guy's not happy with his work - and all the moreso if his line of work is stressful? My ex was like that. Job he didn't particularly like, even though it paid well, with 1 - 2 small stressors a day (literally, 1 or 2 things a day that took an extra 5 or 10 minutes for him to fix) and he was horrible to deal with. Better job, less stress, he transformed. He never did get over some of the tantrums and verbal abuse, though.
pteromom Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 WOW. I've been looking for a thread like this, where people discussed verbal, emotional abuse. My last ex accuses me of being abusive, and it floored me because I've never been accused of being abusive, and its such the opposite of what type of person I desire to be. After reading your stories, I can say I feel bad for you people to have to live with someone like this, but thankful to know I don't sound like these stories. There is a wide range of abuse. Some of the worst abuse is when someone just constantly says and does things to make you feel "on eggshells", but you can't really put your finger on what they are doing, so it leaves you feeling that there is something wrong with YOU. Did your ex give you any examples of how you were abusive? To be in a completely abuse-free relationship means: - I am free to be who I want to be without criticism. - I am free to do what I want to do without someone attempting to control me. - I am free to express myself authentically. - I am free to bring up concerns about the relationship and know they will be discussed in a rational way. - I am free to say NO to anything, and for my NO to be respected. Doesn't mean it won't be discussed, but it should always be respected.
pteromom Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Does anybody else notice a trend in rising verbal abuse if a guy's not happy with his work - and all the moreso if his line of work is stressful? My ex was like that. Job he didn't particularly like, even though it paid well, with 1 - 2 small stressors a day (literally, 1 or 2 things a day that took an extra 5 or 10 minutes for him to fix) and he was horrible to deal with. Not in my case. I believe my husband is BPD. He is on a regular pattern of becoming depressed or angry every 2-3 weeks, no matter what is going on in his life.
Stillgrowing Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 (edited) If I was ill I was making it up. If she was ill it was a matter of life and death and our lives had to revolve around nursing her. If the kids got ill it was my fault for giving them weak genes and for not feeding them properly. This happens here too. How was she during the divorce? I'm so terrified it will get worse. My dh has been on a business trip for the last 6 days and I feel like I'm actually who I am....does that make sense? I know he'll come homw and the pit will be back in my stomach. I'm going to try to keep this self that I've regained and see how he reacts. Edited May 17, 2012 by Stillgrowing spelling... 2
pteromom Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 My dh has been on a business trip for the last 6 days and I feel like I'm actually who I am....does that make sense? I know he'll come homw and the pit will be back in my stomach. I'm going to try to keep this self that I've regained and see how he reacts. *I* was on a business trip and came back feeling like who I was too. I resolved to continue being me, and it hasn't worked. I wish I knew the secret to not letting anything he says/does bother me. The truth is - even though I came back feeling like ME, that didn't solve the issues in our marriage. It's only half the picture. I still don't get my needs met; I still am not accepted as I am; I still am regularly snapped at.
Stillgrowing Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 pteromom: so, do you have a plan or are you just muddling through it all? I'm trying to give myself a timeframe and formulate a plan...X months, X in savings, X bills paid off, better job making X. when I feel my ducks are in a row I'm going to give my ultimatum: stop treating me like this, work on the drinking, and see a counselor or I'm out. I know the savings will be split by us, but I want to have money to pay attorney fees or a counselor. Whichever way we are going. I'm also paying several months in advance on the kids activities so he can't pull that from out from under them in the event he gets nasty. I've bought gift cards from the kids school for gas, groceries, clothing stores, etc... in case he decides to get wacky with the money, like withdraw it all. Then if it doesn't come down to all this, we can use them in our day to day lives. I'm trying to be smart about it, without being mean or underhanded. I'm not doing it for a gain that I'm hiding, just making sure I can survive if need be. sg
pteromom Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Honestly, I already have a plan. Now I just need the courage. The one thing that makes me take the final step. I've been in individual counseling for 6 months. I've consulted with an attorney and have all the paperwork sitting here. I've read countless books and websites gathering as much information as possible. We've been to marital counseling (it was a disaster!), I've asked him to see an individual counselor (but he hasn't). I've done everything I need to do... now I just have to jump. And that's the scariest part of all. I am in a different situation than you. I work FT and make enough to squeak by without anything from him. I think what you are doing is SMART. It's not underhanded - it's just making sure you are ok. After all, the money IS half yours.
WonderKid Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I think when a guy calls a woman stupid, its the worse thing ever. It lets her know that you feel she's inferior and incapable of accomplishing anything. When people say look at how a guy treats his mom, they are not lying. I wouldn't verbally degrade a woman. They are human. Instead I would just walk away. Go for a walk or something.
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