He Lied...

[AnchorGurl]

I am in a long distance relationship and have been for six months. My boyfriend was supposed to come and visit me in two weeks. We have had a wonderful relationship so far and everything has been progressing well.

 

Yesterday I got a very strange text message from him that said "life is awful ..all I want to do is go home and call Ardis"...well I don't know any Ardis and this message was obviously not meant for me.

 

I questioned him and he kept saying his phone had a virus and he had no idea how that message got sent to me. I knew in my gut he must be lying and the whole thing seemed extremely shady. He kept making excuse after excuse.

 

Later that day he sent me a very long text about how much he loves me and wants things to work etc. He said he is willing to work as "hard as he needs to because he loves me so much" I replied with a text that said.."if you want things to work you you will need to be 100% honest with me about things"

 

He replied with..."you wont' love me after I am 100% honest with you"

 

Finally he called me to say that he was actually texting a friend and sent it to me instead and that he was contacting this "Ardis" guy to see if he could buy marijuana from him.

 

I had no idea he smoked at all. But more importantly I cannot believe he lied to me all day about it. It makes me wonder what else he is lying about. I got all emotional and told him that "we were done" and he calmly replied with an "ok"

 

I fully expected him to call today and try to make things work but he has not made any move to do so. No calls, no texts, no emails and no trying. I cannot believe him. I don't even know what to do. I thought he was a completely different person.

 

I keep expecting him to call and apologize but he has made no move whatsoever.

 

Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

[TaraMaiden]

Stay no contact and wait for him to make the first move.

 

If no 'move' is forthcoming - you know it was the wrong guy for you.

A man who truly loves you would move heaven & earth to make things up to you....

[Professor X]

I fully expected him to call today and try to make things work but he has not made any move to do so. No calls, no texts, no emails and no trying. I cannot believe him. I don't even know what to do. I thought he was a completely different person.

 

I keep expecting him to call and apologize but he has made no move whatsoever.

 

Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

You played with fire and you got burned. Not saying your judgment was a just one or not. But you did break up with him, so take responsibility for your actions and never ever test your partner again with the RS on the line.

 

"I wanna see how much he loves me, so I'll break up with him" - what a toxic way of thinking.

[wildgeese]

You played with fire and you got burned. Not saying your judgment was a just one or not. But you did break up with him, so take responsibility for your actions and never ever test your partner again with the RS on the line.

 

"I wanna see how much he loves me, so I'll break up with him" - what a toxic way of thinking.

 

I have to agree with this somewhat. I've never understood why people would just jump to that conclusion without even really talking about everything. Relationships aren't easy and lashing out with "it's over" isn't very mature. What are you more upset about - that he smokes marijuana or that he lied about the text? Both could be cause for concern. Maybe he knew that you were uncomfortable with it and didn't want you to think less of him, so he lied about it? Not the best way of handling things, but I could see why he would do that. Couples do need to be honest and a relationship should be a fairly judgment-free zone. But he obviously feels, on some level, like you're going to judge him for his actions. My advice: calmly talk things through, see what he is so upset about in his life that he feels it necessary to self-medicate, and see if your relationship is worth salvaging.

[Ani]

You told him it was over. Why would he call you?

[Almond_Joy]

I don't see how a guy would think you'd stop loving him because he smoked marijuana. And why would he text a friend about calling another guy to get marijuana from, if your br has contact info for Ardis himself?

 

That reason sounds fishy, and I think you were right to get upset and be suspicious that he lied.

 

But I agree with the others that jumping to breakup because you're angry was a bad move, and it's selfish of you to think that he should beg and plead for you to take him back when you show a lack of compassion or understanding in return.

 

I notice that you mentioned he said "life is awful"....did you ask him why it's awful? He may be going through something really stressful right now. Did you even think to ask him what's going on?

 

You could apologize for your rash behavior, and ask him to talk to you about why he kept this marijuana thing from you. Honestly, I think the marijuana story's BS, and that Ardis is really a girl he feels more comfortable talking to about his problems than you.

 

If all you want is for him to admit he was wrong for lying to you, though, I'd recommend not contacting him.

[AnchorGurl]

I guess I don't know what to think at this point. I don't know if the marijuana story is BS or not. I don't know if it was rash of me to end things or not either. The bottom line is he lied to me all day about the text. If he was not hiding anything then why didn't he fess up right away..if he had I would have forgiven him and we could have moved on.

I guess when someone really loves you I expect that they will contact you and try to resolve things no matter if you tell them it's over.

Just to make sure that's the case I sent him a text saying

 

"it's not the marijuana that makes me upset..it's the lying..I care for you still and am trying my best to understand where you are coming from"

 

but he has not responded at all which makes the whole thing worse. Honestly if you ask me..when someone loves someone..they don't give up that easily..He lied to me and should be taking steps to make it better..even if I did say that I wanted things over.

 

He said that a few weeks ago and I bent over backwards to make things right because I could not bear the thought of losing him.

That is what you do when you care for someone...you don't let them go just like that....

[Almond_Joy]

I guess I don't know what to think at this point. I don't know if the marijuana story is BS or not. I don't know if it was rash of me to end things or not either. The bottom line is he lied to me all day about the text. If he was not hiding anything then why didn't he fess up right away..if he had I would have forgiven him and we could have moved on.

 

I guess when someone really loves you I expect that they will contact you and try to resolve things no matter if you tell them it's over.

Just to make sure that's the case I sent him a text saying

 

"it's not the marijuana that makes me upset..it's the lying..I care for you still and am trying my best to understand where you are coming from"

 

but he has not responded at all which makes the whole thing worse. Honestly if you ask me..when someone loves someone..they don't give up that easily..He lied to me and should be taking steps to make it better..even if I did say that I wanted things over.

 

He said that a few weeks ago and I bent over backwards to make things right because I could not bear the thought of losing him.

That is what you do when you care for someone...you don't let them go just like that....

 

That's true - when you love someone you do try your hardest to make it work. But a relationship is more than one person trying. It takes both parties. And right now, your boyfriend is choosing not to try.

 

What does it say about his investment in the relationship that you are the one prompting the discussion to work this out while he ignores you?

 

You didn't mention in your initial post that he tried to end it a few weeks ago. Your bf sounds like he wants out right now. If he is not "bending over backwards" to reconcile, he doesn't want this relationship as much as you do.

[Christine52]

He didn't fight for you when you said "you're done"....To me, this isn't something someone who loves you would say. Someone who loves you would also not say "you wouldn't love me if I were honest with you" <- that is retarded. If a guy said that to me, I would BELIEVE him and move on, because it means there's something about him that's seriously off, and he knows it.

[AnchorGurl]

I hope I made it clear that it's not really about the smoking weed as much as is it about him lying.

 

He fessed up to me only because he got caught (sending the text meant for someone else)

 

Also we have been together 7 months in a long distance relationship and he never once mentioned he smoked to me.

 

Last night in a fit of pure sadness I texted him and said..."why weren't you just honest with me? I could have moved past it had you just told me the truth"

 

He followed with a heartfelt explanation of "You deserve someone better than someone who lied to you for 7 months and you will always have a place in my heart etc"

 

But the fact remains that he has done nothing besides that to rectify the situation. If someone really cares they will call, text, email ..explain...he only even texted me back because I texted him first.

 

I love him but I am disappearing. His actions will show me far more than his words. And if he does not feel this is worth saving then I will find out shortly

[wildgeese]

He is not invested in this relationship and it would be wise to learn from it and move on. You'll find someone who truly cares down the road!

[TMichaels]

But the fact remains that he has done nothing besides that to rectify the situation. If someone really cares they will call, text, email ..explain...he only even texted me back because I texted him first.

 

I love him but I am disappearing. His actions will show me far more than his words. And if he does not feel this is worth saving then I will find out shortly

 

Splitting hairs, but intellectually you already do know what he thinks by virtue of his behavior and treatment toward you; dealing with it *emotionally* is the challenge you have on your plate, now.

 

Good move, however, to distance yourself from the whole thing and him. Keep right on moving. Not all guys have the same lame definition of honesty and trust.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[AnchorGurl]

Update.

 

Now he is texting me with "I miss you" and "How was your day" but when it comes to discussing why he lied to me or even discussing anything at all about what happened he won't. It's like he wants me but he doesn't want to deal with the issue at hand. We cannot just move forward like that so I am still going to keep my distance unless he wants to discuss what happened first. I call this "half trying"....the "I miss you" but I just want to gloss over things....

 

You cannot lie to someone and then disappear on me and then ....not even want to discuss what even happened.

 

So frustrating and heartbreaking.

[TMichaels]

We cannot just move forward like that so I am still going to keep my distance unless he wants to discuss what happened first. I call this "half trying"....the "I miss you" but I just want to gloss over things....

 

You cannot lie to someone and then disappear on me and then ....not even want to discuss what even happened.

 

You're doing the right thing; stand your ground.

 

He's testing you to see if he can get away with it, figuring you'll give in rather than risk losing him.

 

It's a boundary. He crossed it. He needs to know that and unless you reinforce you'll have none of that, he'll just keep right on repeating the same behavior. It won't be any more fun the 10th time he does it than the first.

 

Even if he does manage to "fess up" at some point, think long and hard if you want to be in relationship where you constantly are "on-guard" and wondering whether you're being lied to or played for a fool.

 

Often, once the bond of trust is broken, it's a very rough, exhausting and long road back which is why most relationships in which this happens never recover.

 

Remember, lying like cheating isn't an accident, it's a choice. He made the choice to do and say what he did. Now, let's see what choice he makes to get his b*tt out of the sling he's gotten it into. That will tell you all.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. Apologizing via text/email is bull*****. Tell him you need to have a *proper* discussion about all this -- on the phone if in person isn't possible. If he's not willing to do that, then close the door and move on.

[AnchorGurl]

After several days of his constant "I miss you" and half-hearted attempts at trying I had to lay down the law yesterday.

 

He would call one day, then not call the next and would never bring up the issue at hand.

I think he thought I could just move on and not even discuss what happened.

 

He kept saying he wanted to "cuddle" and when I would say "I want answers before things could go back to normal" his response would be "but don't you still want to cuddle"

 

Completely glossing over anything I said and basically being almost condescending.

 

I finally grabbed my phone, called him and said "I won't do this in-between stuff anymore. If you decide you really want to work on this relationship and be in one then call me..otherwise do not contact me until that point"

 

Then I Hung up and deleted his number out of my phone.

 

I feel awful and sad but I also knew I had to get out of the cycle that he was putting me through.

 

This will be a tough one to get over...

[TMichaels]

You did the right thing, AnchorGurl.

 

Hang in there.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Citizen Erased]

FTR, Ardis is not a guys name.

[writergal]

After several days of his constant "I miss you" and half-hearted attempts at trying I had to lay down the law yesterday.

 

He would call one day, then not call the next and would never bring up the issue at hand.

I think he thought I could just move on and not even discuss what happened.

 

He kept saying he wanted to "cuddle" and when I would say "I want answers before things could go back to normal" his response would be "but don't you still want to cuddle"

 

Completely glossing over anything I said and basically being almost condescending.

 

I finally grabbed my phone, called him and said "I won't do this in-between stuff anymore. If you decide you really want to work on this relationship and be in one then call me..otherwise do not contact me until that point"

 

Then I Hung up and deleted his number out of my phone.

 

I feel awful and sad but I also knew I had to get out of the cycle that he was putting me through.

 

This will be a tough one to get over...

 

Not "almost." More like "definitely condescending." Guys like that are a dime a dozen unfortunately. The type who think they can manipulate you with words. He was totally gaslighting you with that stupid comment about cuddling but you were strong enough to see through it and end the relationship before his visit. You should be proud of yourself for laying down the law. Now you have to stay no contact to follow through with it no matter what he tries (and my guess is he will contact you again when he thinks your guard is down).

 

Hold out for a better man. You deserve better.

[janetadeline]

I agree with some of other members said, sometimes guys don't want to tell you truth because they think you wouldn't accept it. So they choose to lie to you instead of seeking solutions.

 

However,

 

"You wont' love me after I am 100% honest with you"

 

To me, this is totally an excuse. It sounds like he just wants to stop you talking about the issue because he was out of more excuses. If you won't love him after he is 100% honest with you, then he is not the right guy for you. And on the other hand, why would you want to be with a guy always pretending? It doesn't make sense at all.