xelpmis Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Hi all, So I've been trying to move through a situation for a few of months now, and after all of this time, I find myself still thinking about the situation on a daily basis and I don't know what to do to move past it. Let me explain… Last September was the final straw of a 5 year relationship between my girlfriend and I. We found ourselves arguing all the time so I eventually suggested a break to see if that would help clear the air a bit. She agreed, and after less than a week went by, I call her, realizing that we hadn't fully discussed the terms and conditions of the break…what it meant and what we both wanted out of it. After talking for a couple minutes, she tell's me that she want's the break to be permanent. I was heart broken but I wanted to respect her wishes. So I agreed and we went our separate ways. I end up moving to a different city a couple hours away and start rebuilding my life. I get a new job, start making decent money and generally just start piecing my life back together, all the while, no matter how hard I tried, never falling out of love with her in the process. 5 months pass, with close to zero contact aside from a surface level phone call or 2 from her. Come February, the phone calls and emails from her ramp up a bit, and it seems as if she's interested again. As the communication starts to increase, during one conversation, I ask her if she's still in love with me, to which she says "yes." We eventually see each other out at a party where we're out with mutual friends and end up interacting personally for the first time since the breakup. At the end of the evening, she asks me if I want to spend the night at her house…and well, I said yes and I'll leave the rest up to the imagination. Here's where it gets interesting…After we had made love (and I use the term make love rather than have sex, because that's what it meant to me) I for some reason admitted to the fact that I hadn't slept with anyone since her (yes, 5 months of celibacy). This wasn't necessarily intentional, I just wasn't attracted to any other women. Not to say I couldn't have slept with other women if I wanted to, I just wasn't in that mind set. Anyway, wanting to put all the cards on the table as early as possible to save ourselves any grief down the road, I ask her if there is anything she wants to tell me, and she says "no". We spend the next few days together in pure bliss, both mutually ecstatic that we have rekindled this fire we both missed so much. The following weekend, I invite her to spend a few days with me, and I get a nice hotel for the weekend. Now, I'm not quite sure how the topic came up, but eventually, as we're driving down a scenic road near the beach, she tell's me that not only had she slept with someone else, but that she had slept with 2 different people, one of whom I knew personally, multiple times (she approximates roughly 10 times per person). I was, I think, understandably heartbroken. But, I handled it well and we still had an amazing weekend. She told me that it meant nothing, that she never loved them, that most of the time she was intoxicated (though I'm sure that wasn't the case all the time), that she did it because she was trying to get over me, and that in the end, it made her realize how much she still wanted me. She went on to tell me that she want's to spend the rest of her life with me and eventually marry me. As much as I thought I had worked through this ordeal and accepted it and had forgiven her, I sit here writing this today, months after receiving the news, struggling with pain and still trying to get over it. Every single day, her affairs pop into my head and it's eating me alive. When I try and talk to her about it, she just get's upset and ends up hating herself and crying, which get's in the way of a beneficial conversation. I have a few concerns… 1) To sleep with someone once is a different story than sleeping with them almost a dozen times on multiple occasions. This to me seems more along the lines of a booty call scenario or a short-term relationship. Not to mention it was with more than one person. 2) If she never fell out of love with me, why would she jeopardize any future engagements by committing these acts? 3) It bother's me that I opened the door to conversation when I initially asked her if there was anything that she wanted to tell me, and that she didn't necessarily lie to me, but didn't tell me the truth when I invited that topic into the conversation. 4) As a side note, a few months after we had initially began the relationship almost 6 years ago now, she cheated on me and didn't tell me about it for about a year. So, just to make things clear ( I know this is a lot of reading) she has slept with 3 other people since we began, and I have slept with 0. This to me seems horribly unfair and leaves me with a sense of injustice. Even as I sit here writing, I still find those numbers hard to read. Through talking to her over the past couple of months, I've expressed that try as I might, I'm having a hell of a time coming to terms with what happened. Upon talking to her, she said that I have a "free pass" to sleep with someone else if that would somehow make amends to the situation. I'm just so lost as to how to handle this and get over it. I'm madly in love with her but I just can't seem to get over this no matter how hard I try. Any suggestions?
robkris8079 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 So you two were broken up and she slept with two people? I fail to see a problem. Also she cheated on you 5 years ago and you were together after? You lost all your rights to hold that against her by continuing the relationship.
Author xelpmis Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I know she didn't do anything wrong. I'm not angry. Yes we were broken up. Regardless, it still tears me up to know that all that happened in a relatively short amount of time, especially we never fell out of love with each other. It's still painful and I'm trying to figure out how to heal.
flitzanu Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Hi all, I said yes and I'll leave the rest up to the imagination. Here's where it gets interesting…After we had made love (and I use the term make love rather than have sex, because that's what it meant to me) I for some reason admitted to the fact that I hadn't slept with anyone since her (yes, 5 months of celibacy). I ask her if there is anything she wants to tell me, and she says "no". she tell's me that not only had she slept with someone else, but that she had slept with 2 different people, one of whom I knew personally, multiple times (she approximates roughly 10 times per person). sorry, stopped reading here. 1. you "made love" in your mind, not hers, don't presume it meant the same. 2. "is there anything you want to tell me?" - again, you're probing for her to admit banging other dudes when you're not with her, and had already broken up, and she has no reason nor right to admit that to you 3. she slept with 2 people. you were broken up. she didn't do anything wrong. you pushing your misgivings onto her and treating like she's wronged you...that's never going to work. you're either going to have to ignore and deal with this if you ever will/plan to reconcile, or you walk away and find someone new. don't blame her for seeing other people after your breakup. yes, it sucks, but that's just how it works. also just saw that she cheated on you early on in the relationship. so, doesn't sound like you need any more red flags to tell you this is more than you are comfortable dealing with. 1
relationship_stuff Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I kind of understand what you are going through. Here is my take on this. Leave all the stuff of her sleeping with other guys aside. And think about this. Is she someone who you want to spend your life with. You've been with her for 5 years. You can decide whether or not you want to continue the relationship despite the things she did when you were broken up. If you think that this relationship is something you want to continue, you should work on trying to accept what happened. Everytime these thoughts come up in your head, just remind yourself that whatever happened was in the past and she is being a great girlfriend right now. She was disturbed at the moment and whatever she did had nothing to do with you. With time, you will forget this incident. If after 3-4 months it's still bothering you, you can start counseling. And if even that doesn't help, you would have no choice but to leave her.
Chi townD Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 When you two broke up, it was under the premise that you were never going to get back with her and she wasn't going to get back with you. Well, the universe put you back together in life. So, you weren't together for about a half a year. You can't fault her for what she's done while you two were broken up. It would kind of like being mad at my first love for getting married and starting a family without me. Look, I know it hurts and no one here thinks you're stupid for feeling a little betrayed. Like, she NEVER took the time to mourn the end of your relationship. So, I totally understand that you seem a little put off. But, if you can't get a handle on this, then it's the end of your relationship. Let me ask you this. How did she react telling you all of this stuff?
Author xelpmis Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Initially, she ended the conversation telling me that she was just trying to get over me, but that it didn't work. She also said that she'd never been in an open relationship and wanted to see what it was like. She also said that she's never been more sure of her love for me and that she want's to spend the rest of her life with me. A few weeks later when it was brought up again (and let me make sure you all know that I was never angry at her, but I had to vocalize the troublesome feelings that I was having in a constructive manner) she was an emotional train wreck. Crying and sobbing, telling me that she regrets it and that she was in a really dark place and hated herself.
Own Worst Enemy Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 this is something you can accept or you can't. if you can't, you have to end it now. if you want her more than anything else, you HAVE to realise that she is sleeping with you NOW, that she has better sex with you NOW, that it is YOU that she wants NOW. otherwise the constant arguments on the same point will drive her away. you just have to make your mind draw a veil over it. it changes nothing, really. at least you know she was honest with you. she could have lied about it, after all.
Chi townD Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Okay....well, that's GOOD believe it or not. At least you know she's remorseful of her actions. A lot of women would get mad and say that's it none of your damn business what happened when you weren't together. Or tell you that you need to get over it, because she did nothing wrong. (because technically, she didn't). I wouldn't buy that crap that she was saying that it took sleeping with other guys to realize she wanted you? really?!?! She told you she slept with these guys on several occasions. So, I guess she had to be REALLY sure that she wanted you. See how stupid that sounds? She was just trying to soften the situation. Bottomline is, she slept with these guys because she wanted to. Nothing else. So, if you want to continue a relationship with her, you have to be honest with her. Tell her that you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that you were sleeping with other guys so quickly after our break-up. But, it isn't her problem because she did nothing wrong. It's your hang up and your requesting that she be patient with you while you deal with these feelings. Think about going to individual counseling to help you with this and let her know that you're going. How can she argue that?
Author xelpmis Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 It's strange...as much as I'm in love with her, I for some reason feel the need to sleep with another woman now. I know this is not the best way to handle this obviously, but I feel like it would settle the score in my mind somehow. I feel like she got to experience something recently that if we stay together, I never will, and that doesn't sit well with me for some reason.
Author xelpmis Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I want these feelings to be over and I'm having a hard time figuring out how.
CarrieT Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I want these feelings to be over and I'm having a hard time figuring out how. How old are you two?
CarrieT Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I'm 26 and she's 24, why? I could have accurately guessed as such. At this age, you are both in the experimental stage and this is exactly what happens during this time. Give it a few years and learn to live independently for a while and you'll understand what I'm saying. I know it is the typical "you are too young to understand" rhetoric, but I believe if you print out this thread and look back on it in ten years, you will agree with me that you are both too young to be contemplating marriage and life-long commitment. or the concept of marriage. You both have a lot of growing to do and to expect her to "remain true" with the concept that you two would be together forever is unrealistic given your ages. 1
flitzanu Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 It's strange...as much as I'm in love with her, I for some reason feel the need to sleep with another woman now. I know this is not the best way to handle this obviously, but I feel like it would settle the score in my mind somehow. I feel like she got to experience something recently that if we stay together, I never will, and that doesn't sit well with me for some reason. then go sleep girls. nothing is preventing you from it, you aren't bound by a relationship.
CarboniteCammy Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Okay....well, that's GOOD believe it or not. At least you know she's remorseful of her actions. A lot of women would get mad and say that's it none of your damn business what happened when you weren't together. Or tell you that you need to get over it, because she did nothing wrong. this is silly. what does she have to be remorseful for? they were broken up. your post is all male ego. she owed him nothing, and quite frankly, if i were treated the way he is treating her, he'd be an afterthought very quickly. OP- you need to grow up if you want to keep your girlfriend. if you keep guilting her, she's going to get bored of your same song and dance and tired of feeling bad and she's going to leave you for someone who makes her feel good about herself. staying up on your high horse isn't going to do you much good if your bed is cold at night, is it?
Author xelpmis Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I think you missed the point. At no time have I ever expressed anger and said she did anything wrong. I said that it hurts when I think about and I'm searching for advice on peaceful resolution within myself. What is this high horse you speak of?
Chi townD Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 this is silly. what does she have to be remorseful for? they were broken up. your post is all male ego. she owed him nothing, and quite frankly, if i were treated the way he is treating her, he'd be an afterthought very quickly. Ummm...no it isn't. Your post is profeminism. To be honest, she slept with 2 guy several times and she never mourned the loss of the relationship. Therefore, she was sleeping with guy while she still had feelings for OP. Thus, making it FEEL like she was, in fact, cheating on him. Or getting back at him or....whatever. She's feeling guilty of what she did.
Author xelpmis Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I really don't want this to turn into a finger pointing match. What's done is done, regardless of who did what. I'm simply searching for advice on dealing with this myself so that I can be free of these thoughts and at peace with the situation. I want to move forward and past this. That's why I started this thread, and I'd like to stay focused on personal resolution if anyone has advice to offer.
LogicallyIllogical Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 I've been in a similar situation before. My ex who I dated in college cheated on me. I found out about it, we took a break, got back together and I never really got over it. She ended up dumping me, we didn't speak for a year or so, and eventually she reached out to me. After talking for awhile, we ended up spending time together and she made it clear that she wanted me back. It was the classic situation that dumpees always hope for, but I couldn't bring myself to take her back. It was as if I was shopping for a car, and that ex was like an old, used, beat-up station wagon. The feeling of her being "mine" was gone since since she had cheated and likely been with other guys. Mind you, the attraction was still there, but something was off. It sounds like you're leaning the same way I was. The only way you'll get over it is if you write it off as her being single and file it away in the back of your mind. Having a revenge bang with another girl will only complicate the situation. Sometimes, you just can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong.
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