Do you think there is a chance for a *second chance* ?

[KatZee]

My boyfriend, well now ex, broke up with me a week ago today.

 

We had been dating for close to three years. We've gotten through so much together, and we even stayed together for a year and a half when he went out of state to get his degree. He just finished that up literally just over a month ago and he was so excited to come back home to be with me at last.

 

A month after he comes back, he ends it.

 

He's not in a particularly great area of life right now. He's in severe debt, and before dating me, he dated a girl for 6 years but it was never right. So basically for his entire 20's he's been in a relationship.

 

So he's in severe debt, he's not happy with his own life, he's not sure where he's going career wise, he was sobbing the whole time he was ending it saying he has no clue who he is as a person, he doesn't even know what his hobbies are, and he just needs to be single. He said he doesn't want to date anyone else, and he wants to be with me, but he shouldn't be with anyone until he's happy in his own life. He wants to basically "find out who he is."

 

Before he officially ended it, I agreed that we should have some time apart, and that it would be good for both of us. He needs to get his head on straight, and it'll be good for me to reclaim who I am as a person. I said I wanted to step back for awhile, and then come together down the line and start fresh with him, and he fully agreed with that. He said that I'm his best friend, the closest person to him in his life, and he never wants to lose what we have, and that he can see us coming together in the future.

 

I know there is no other girls. We have a large group (think 50 people) of mutual friends. If there was someone else, I would know about it in 5 seconds. He said this break up had nothing to do with me, there was nothing about me that needed to be changed or fixed, it was all in his head and he feels the need to just be single and experience life, as he's never done that before.

 

I've decided to go the loose contact route, we haven't spoken in a week. I plan on congratulating him on his graduation this Saturday, but that's it.

 

When I left his house he said that I should call him, text him, or email him anytime, and that if I wanted to call him at the end of my day to talk, I should, or if I needed to vent, I should call him. It's clear he's not completely done with me but I told him that I couldn't just be his friend, and that anyone I act that way with, will be my boyfriend.

 

The breakup wasn't a bad one. Aside from him crying horribly and saying he never wanted to lose what we have, that he still loves me, it was calm, respectful, and then I left.

 

I see things from his point of view. He's never been single. He's never experienced life for himself, he was always putting someone else above himself. He's also lacking that maturity to be in such a serious relationship right now.

 

But what do you think the chances are that we may reconnect down the line? I've been going out with my friends recently, and I'm planning a move within the next month to my own apartment. I'll be "doing me" but I saw my future with this guy. I love him more than anything and I can see this being one of those situations where it winds up being better for the relationship. What do you guys think?

[KatZee]

And wow. Just found the thread about the G.I.G.S. This is my ex to a T. He's having a breakdown and "quarter life crisis" it seems. I'm going to do as it says and just bow out gracefully.

[Texsec]

Hi Kat,

 

I'm in the same place with my wife, got a lot of the same things said to me plus a few. Read Wilsonx, Homebrew and Gibson's posts.....They hit the nail on the head.

[wilsonx]

It is better in the long haul that he goes through this now for his own reasons and you focus on you. It does suck

[favoritepills]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, KatZee. I know it's difficult, and especially frustrating since his timing was kind of crappy (couldn't he have enjoyed all that "alone time" he had while he was miles and miles away?). But you're doing all the right things -- I'm sure you'll be fine.

 

I have a lot to say about this situation, but I have two main points I want to make clear:

 

1) This breakup needed to happen.

 

2) Don't wait for this guy.

 

I was in a relationship where we were so consumed with each other that we never made time to develop ourselves as individuals. (Frankly, neither of us even had friends outside of each other.) We didn't know that was happening at the time -- we were so sure it was the Best Relationship Ever. It took a sudden, unexpected breakup for us to take a step back and say, "Whoa, this is not normal! I need some friends and hobbies!"

 

Which is why I believe this breakup needed to happen. You don't want to commit to someone who doesn't even know himself. It's easy to lose yourself in a relationship with someone, and taking a step back to regain your sense of self can help you either improve your past/current relationship, or to make your next one even better than the last.

 

People always say exes only come back once you're over them, which has been sort of true in my experience. When my boyfriend dumped me, it turned my world upside down. The first day I woke up and knew I'd be perfectly fine without him, he called and emailed saying he made a huge mistake and wanted me back. Thankfully, I had enough self-confidence at that point to set boundaries and conditions for our reconciliation. (If he'd apologized 4 days earlier, I'd have taken him back in a heartbeat and we'd make the same mistakes and break up again in 2 months.) We had a long, level-headed conversation about where our relationship went wrong and what steps we needed to take to fix it. Now we're better than ever, because we realized that relationships aren't just about being together, you need to work together too. So, yes, the breakup helped improve our relationship.

 

Could the same happen for your relationship? Maybe. But don't wait for him. Like I said earlier, you're doing the right thing -- just keep doing you. That way, if he wants you back, you can have a fresh start where you're happy and self-sufficient, instead of miserable and pining. And if he doesn't? That's okay, because you'll find someone even better.

 

I'd be cautious about contacting him to wish him a happy graduation. He broke up with you; he's no longer entitled to your well wishes. If you trust yourself not to engage with him in conversation when he replies, go for it. But I have to warn you, there are tons of threads here from people who regret breaking NC.

 

You're probably right about him being a GIGS case, so it's good you read that thread. You could also try reading suddendumpee's posts for a good example on how to handle someone with GIGS. (Warning: he gets his ex back in the end -- try not to get too much false hope from that, because chances for reconciliation are 50-50 at best with most breakups.)

[KatZee]

It is better in the long haul that he goes through this now for his own reasons and you focus on you. It does suck

 

I know it's better that he go through this now at 26 rather, than if lets say we had gotten married and 10 years down the line he had affair after affair and went through some mid life crisis.

 

It's just really crappy from my end. I've done the whole dating thing. I've had about 7 boyfriends, and have dated and seen countless others. of those 7+ countless others only two were ones I connected with on any level and only one I truly, fully, and selflessly loved. (my ex). I've been out there. I see what's out there.

 

The days after my relationship ended, some MORON messaged me on Facebook and was like, "if you ever intererested in slumming it id worship your body like the dome of the rock."

 

Are you kidding me? THIS is what I now need to deal with? I just started crying.

 

I'm not deluding myself that what we had was something it wasn't. We were best friends, we had the best times together, same interests, same goofy/nerdy personalities, we could be doing absolutely nothing and having the best times just laying in each others arms, or staring stupidly into each others eyes. The love, affection, and emotion that came with him was more than anything I've ever seen. Guys like him don't come around everyday, nor do girls like me. Literally days before it was over for good he was staring into my eyes, kissing me and giggling like a little girl. It was clear whatever he was thinking about was making him happy and he was happy. But this whole GIGS nonsense seems to just override everything and I get he needs to "figure it out" but how can a connection like that just be done with for good?

 

I just want to hope that maybe one day he'll grow out of this phase and grow up. Do you think people through GIGS while being in a relationship? I think he has been going through it for a little while at the end (think like 8 months)... can this time contribute to the overall time it would take to get through this?

 

I have no intention of even dating now, or in the forseeable future. I'm not "waiting on him" per se, I will have a lot to do with my new apartment and new neighborhood. But I just can't seem to come to terms that this is THE END. For good. I don't see it being the end forever. I just don't.

Edited May 16, 2012 by KatZee

[KatZee]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, KatZee. I know it's difficult, and especially frustrating since his timing was kind of crappy (couldn't he have enjoyed all that "alone time" he had while he was miles and miles away?).

 

I kind of am a fan of the quote "everything happens for a reason." If we would have split while he was away, he absolutely would never have come back home. That would have been the end of this forever. I feel like maybe we were supposed to play out that entire long distance thing, and now that he's back home, he'll just go through whatever he's going through. And in the end.. maybe?

 

I'm a loon though. I'm all into higher power and spirituality and fate, and things working out in the end.

[wilsonx]

 

I just want to hope that maybe one day he'll grow out of this phase and grow up. Do you think people through GIGS while being in a relationship? I think he has been going through it for a little while at the end (think like 8 months)... can this time contribute to the overall time it would take to get through this?

 

You grew out of it, I dont see how he can't grow out of it.

 

I had this same discussion with a friend about the time and I find it humorous how we all know the distance ahead we are from our ex's.

[KatZee]

You grew out of it, I dont see how he can't grow out of it.

 

I had this same discussion with a friend about the time and I find it humorous how we all know the distance ahead we are from our ex's.

 

I want to bounce something else off of you. When we were breaking up he was crying really hard. He was saying he still loves me. And that at the end of the day if I want to call him to tell him about it, I should. Or that I should text, or email or call any time. He said he doesn't want to lose what we have because it's so amazing.

 

I found a website today and it ALSO seems to hit my ex to a T with what he's struggling with.

 

Bff- My boyfriend broke up with me because he's unhappy with his life, wants to get a different job, go to grad school, and move out of his family's house. He said (and looks like) he's miserable with out me, still likes me and is miserable, but won'

 

My ex has been unhappy for a while. Mounds of debt, his father riding him about that, unsure of where his career is taking him. When we used to go out he would say that he didn't have much money and I would always offer to split the costs. I knew he was struggling and I'm sure it didn't make him feel any better about his situation.

 

Basically what that article is saying is that from a man's point of view, they can't really commit to someone unless they feel they bring something to the table and can provide and support. And until they feel that way, they aren't ready.

 

I don't see how my ex still wants to be that emotional support system for me, still loves me, can see us reuniting down the line, actually said the words, "I want to be with you, but it's not right, right now, I'm not happy" ... I don't know what to do from here... I want to let him know that I AM here for him... there are so many things I never got a chance to say. We've been no contact for one week now and I'm not so sure that is the right decision in this case. I know he loves me, and does want to be with me, but he just can't right now. He's not at the place in life to be there as a committed boyfriend who can provide and bring something to the table. But the way he is, when he wants something, he goes for it full-force. That's the one thing he said he was going to do as we were breaking up. He wanted to fully focus on his job. I would assume to pay off his debt, and really secure himself in his career and get on that path. I know he will get into the groove and really buckle down. And I know that if there is some hope here, I can be patient and ride it out for a little while. I just don't know how to reopen the lines of communication without smothering him, and if I should take him up on the offers of emailing him when I want to...

[turnera]

Sounds like he has never been an individual person - childhood/college/dating/parents/missed out on entire 20s.

 

That is never good. If you really want him and think you have a future, then just drop him a line every month or so to let him know you're still around and let him go out and experience life. If he comes back, he'll be the better for it.

[KatZee]

Sounds like he has never been an individual person - childhood/college/dating/parents/missed out on entire 20s.

 

That is never good. If you really want him and think you have a future, then just drop him a line every month or so to let him know you're still around and let him go out and experience life. If he comes back, he'll be the better for it.

 

You're right. I'm so mad he clung to that last relationship for so long when he KNEW the whole time he never saw a future with her, wasn't happy. He admitted staying purely out of obligation and because it had been so long. I hate that I have to suffer for that.

 

I know this breakup needed to happen and he needs to experience life on his own. That's one of the things he said. He needs to be single. He needs to just be on his own for now. But I also know that what we had was beyond amazing. These sort of connections don't just happen everyday. And I'm sure that's been said before and tossed around on here a lot. But I'm going on 28. Never in my life had I ever met someone and had something whisper in my head, "He's it." I almost jumped out of my own skin. I didn't know him from a whole in the wall!! Once we started dating, I never told him that, but HE came to me and said the second he saw me... he knew.

 

I just don't want him gone forever. I get for right now. But not forever.

[Gulf-Delta]

You're right. I'm so mad he clung to that last relationship for so long when he KNEW the whole time he never saw a future with her, wasn't happy. He admitted staying purely out of obligation and because it had been so long. I hate that I have to suffer for that.

 

I know this breakup needed to happen and he needs to experience life on his own. That's one of the things he said. He needs to be single. He needs to just be on his own for now. But I also know that what we had was beyond amazing. These sort of connections don't just happen everyday. And I'm sure that's been said before and tossed around on here a lot. But I'm going on 28. Never in my life had I ever met someone and had something whisper in my head, "He's it." I almost jumped out of my own skin. I didn't know him from a whole in the wall!! Once we started dating, I never told him that, but HE came to me and said the second he saw me... he knew.

 

I just don't want him gone forever. I get for right now. But not forever.

 

All of your posts in this thread sound like I could've written them, though the genders are reversed.. All the feelings and thoughts you've written...I feel the same exact way.

 

Especially the part about the feeling that the strong bond you shared can't just completely fade away. I feel the same way. The same with the "she's it" thing. And the not wanting her to be gone forever.

 

You're not alone in your feelings. There's at least one other person here who knows what you're dealing with.

 

Personally after I met my ex I started believing more in astrology, fate, God....whatever you wanna call it, and I gotta say, these things make the breakup and this "optimism" so much harder to deal with.

Edited May 17, 2012 by Gulf-Delta

[KatZee]

Personally after I met my ex I started believing more in astrology, fate, God....whatever you wanna call it, and I gotta say, these things make the breakup and this "optimism" so much harder to deal with.

 

Why would this make it harder to deal with? In my opinion it makes it much easier to deal with. I really won't get into what I believe, and what I actually KNOW about fate, God, what's on the other side, because I would probably freak everyone here right the hell out. I think once you have that knowledge that it should be easier on you instead of the unknown.

[Gulf-Delta]

Why would this make it harder to deal with? In my opinion it makes it much easier to deal with. I really won't get into what I believe, and what I actually KNOW about fate, God, what's on the other side, because I would probably freak everyone here right the hell out. I think once you have that knowledge that it should be easier on you instead of the unknown.

 

Well, because I deep down believe in my ex and I being brought together by something "unexplained", but now I have doubts.

 

Believing in that stuff is causing me to hold on to hope that may not be real.

 

When her and I got together, and discussed our lives and histories, it was appearant to both of us that "something" brought us together. We'd known about each other for years and even lived a street away from each other since 4th grade. I lived behind her best friend, she lived behind mine. We hung out with the same crowd. It's like it was meant to be, but we just kept barely missing one another until our paths finally crossed one night.

 

There were so many coincidental and unbelievable circumstances that happened at perfect moments in time...but since we broke up, I'm starting to think maybe I was a fool for believing in it, because it's making me hold on to hope that she'll return.