People assuming too much

[pteromom]

Every person has their own baggage and issues, whether they were previously married or not.

 

There are stereotypes, and the stereotypes do exist for a reason, but the smart thing to do is to take each person as an individual, and get to know them.

 

But you can't be offended at stereotypes. Just because you appear to fit into one doesn't mean you do, and you can't blame someone for wanting reassurance that you aren't a stereotype.

[irc333]

There's your answer.

 

What 20-something girl who has it all wants to dump it all in the toilet by getting married? No way, I wouldn't either.

 

 

 

Not sure how that has to do what I just responded to (kind of getting off topic here as to why people like me and people like her single and for so long), and not sure how that would be "dumping it all down the toilet" either?

 

Plus she's 40 something.....and STILL has the same attitude, but trying to overcome her selfishness.

 

But her issue is namely being selfish which she's mentioned about needing to overcome that.

[wheream_i]

I've been talking to this single woman, divorced. Been getting to know each other, when she found out I was never married, she asked me "You must be used to being alone, since you've never been married and probably like it, and would find it diffucult to be with someone at THIS age"

 

I corrected her and said, "Actually, I prefer to have someone in my life right now"

 

As I get older, I desire it more as well, but not desperate about it either.

 

She said she's getting used to her independence since her divorce.

 

I am just wondering why people judge people as never being married so harshly, and then the person tries to CONVINCE Them they are wrong??

 

I think that the fact I've never been married is being judged, and those judging aren't giving US a change to defend ourselves.

 

Oh, give me a break. I'm 33 years old and anytime someone asks me why I'm not married, I have a couple of smartass responses to that, depending on who's asking. First reason? Because I like blowjobs. 2nd reason? Because I can't afford a divorce. I'll get married when I'm damn good & ready to. Don't let her give you ****. She's the one with the divorce tag on her.

[NoReallyThatHappened]

I suppose I wouldn't be too worried about a never married guy unless he got past his late 30's/40. At that point I would want to know why, in about 20 years of being on the market he had yet to make a commitment. My ex was like this. He's now 38 and still single, never married and frankly it's because he has too many issues to ever make a marriage work.

 

Interestingly enough after I got divorced, I only dated never-married men until I met DH. In my case, non of my BFs ever really considered me divorced. We were married for less than a year before I discovered he preferred men to women and his marriage to me was a big cover up for his homosexuality. ~sigh~ There really is nothing I could have done to change that problem in our marriage.

[wheream_i]

My ex was like this. He's now 38 and still single, never married and frankly it's because he has too many issues to ever make a marriage work.

 

So why would he even attempt marriage? I don't know the man but it sounds like he's doing just fine not being married as well as not being divorced.

[FrustratedStandards]

Not sure how that has to do what I just responded to (kind of getting off topic here as to why people like me and people like her single and for so long), and not sure how that would be "dumping it all down the toilet" either?

 

Plus she's 40 something.....and STILL has the same attitude, but trying to overcome her selfishness.

 

But her issue is namely being selfish which she's mentioned about needing to overcome that.

 

Because once you are married, you have to revolve your life around that person. You can't just up and leave on vacation if you feel like it or have the time off. You have to co-ordinate and plan with your partner. You can't flirt around, you can't keep your options open anymore. You can't manage all your bank accounts and mortgages and so on without having to consult with your partner.

 

It really ties you down. If you want to move out just cuz, you have to consider your partner etc. Being married is sharing your entire life with one person and the decision is no longer just yours. Many people don't want that. Many people want the freedom to do absolutely anything they want, and if they do that often (move, travel etc) then marriage isn't for them.

 

Maybe that's why this woman is like this. I think being selfish about life is good in terms of wanting to see the world, meet as many people as you can etc. Being selfish in getting everything out of life that you can is a good thing. If this is her kind of selfish, then kudos to her.

 

That's why I don't want to get married. I don't want to do everything alone and I want to be in a relationship, but if one day things aren't working out, it's easier to just dump then than have to pay for a lawyer for divorce, split everything etc etc etc.

[NoReallyThatHappened]

So why would he even attempt marriage? I don't know the man but it sounds like he's doing just fine not being married as well as not being divorced.

 

He goes on and on about wanting to get married and have children. He freaked out when I dumped him because he was so "old" and had no prospects for a wife and kids.

 

Unfortunately, he can't keep a gf. Every single girl he has ever dated has dumped him because he is so weird once you actually get to know him. We have all gone on to get married or settled into LTR/life partner type things. I don't think it's us.

[irc333]

He goes on and on about wanting to get married and have children. He freaked out when I dumped him because he was so "old" and had no prospects for a wife and kids.

 

Unfortunately, he can't keep a gf. Every single girl he has ever dated has dumped him because he is so weird once you actually get to know him. We have all gone on to get married or settled into LTR/life partner type things. I don't think it's us.

 

 

Who? Your ex gay husband?

[Creativeguy504]

A person who has never been married and is well past the average age for marriage is usually a red flag for people, because it usually indicates either a fear of commitment, a too independent mindset that is not suitable for making a relationship work long term, or there are red flags that have caused the person to be turned down by others over a period of several years. Those are all legitimate red flags, and you shouldn't really blame someone for being leary of them.

 

I disagree with this. I think all of the above reasons are silly. Many people just haven't met the right person. I think it's best to wait until the right person comes along, then succumb to societal pressure to be married by a certain age.

[mark 40]

I've been talking to this single woman, divorced. Been getting to know each other, when she found out I was never married, she asked me "You must be used to being alone, since you've never been married and probably like it, and would find it diffucult to be with someone at THIS age"

 

I corrected her and said, "Actually, I prefer to have someone in my life right now"

 

As I get older, I desire it more as well, but not desperate about it either.

 

She said she's getting used to her independence since her divorce.

 

I am just wondering why people judge people as never being married so harshly, and then the person tries to CONVINCE Them they are wrong??

 

I think that the fact I've never been married is being judged, and those judging aren't giving US a change to defend ourselves.

 

this is common. i'm 40 for point of reference. being judged harshly is par for the course. try being a gentleman on a date. she's bound to assume you're just being that way to get into her pants. they judge and judge and truth be damned.

[mark 40]

I have seen cheating cases where the BS did nothing wrong, but the WS was just a person lacking in character and had a sense of entitlement. Such cases do exist. But I would agree with you that, normally cheating is the result of a breakdown in the marriage that can be attributed to both parties. And normally, the mistakes made in the original marriage continue in subsequent marriages. Most divorcees are a big risk, and the likelihood of a second marriage lasting is pretty small. 75% of second marriages end in divorce, both because the problems that ended the first marriage are carried over into the second, and the extra issues to deal with take their toll on the second marriage (i.e., blending families, divided loyalties, strained finances, etc.) I won't deny that divorcees are a risk, but so are people who have never married, because there are usually questionable reasons for that as well (i.e., fear of commitment, too independent of a mentality that doesn't adjust well to relationships, negative attitude about marriage in the past, negative aspects about the person that have caused others to reject the person. There are cases where the person just did not find the right person to marry, but more often than not, it is one of the other reasons. Just sayin . . . Both are red flags, but I would agree with you that, chances are, a divorcee is not a better risk than a never married person. Also, there are cultures where marriage is not the norm, so in those cultures, it would not be a red flag if a person were never married.

 

can you be any more judgmental? you may as well write a whole book of reasons who no men are desirable. i must have a sense of entitlement too since i hold out a tiny hope that i'm meet somebody. i'm 40 and nothing so far.

[mark 40]

I think you are right. Personally, if a man hasn't been married by a certain age, I also assume there is a reason for it.

 

If you think about it, great people don't go unwanted. True that they can be single if they want, but after a certain age they will be snatched up. Those that are "left behind" (the unmarried, the singles after 40 let's say) are automatically deemed as useless because if they WERE something good, they wouldn't be alone.

 

I know this isn't always the case, but in my experiences and with the people I met who are older and never married, they do have problems. Either it's that their ego is too big, something else is too small, they are assh*les or they are simply very unattractive.

 

I have yet to meet an older man who is very decent who hasn't been married.

 

in other worse i'm a terrible awful piece of trash for being 40 and unmarried. i've been on dates but none of the worse 'fancy' me. 'you're nice but i don fancy you'. i'm so f**king sick of it. now i may as well not even try because now that i'm 40 i'm automatically relegated to the trash. thanks for nothing.

[mark 40]

Every person has their own baggage and issues, whether they were previously married or not.

 

There are stereotypes, and the stereotypes do exist for a reason, but the smart thing to do is to take each person as an individual, and get to know them.

 

But you can't be offended at stereotypes. Just because you appear to fit into one doesn't mean you do, and you can't blame someone for wanting reassurance that you aren't a stereotype.

 

how does one get a chance to give reassurance when she makes a decision the minute you say hi to her?

[Imajerk17]

I agree with the guys that divorced is more of a red flag (but definitely not a deal-breaker) than never married. That said, I have a better understanding of why most women feel that never-married is more of a red flag.

 

When we are evaluating a woman as a dating prospect/romantic partner, we as men tend to put a high emphasis on physical attractiveness and whether or not she will make our life difficult. We as a gender would rather not deal with single moms (kids who aren't ours and their dad) and a divorced woman (baggage) for that reason.

 

Women however, put a higher emphasis on whether a man can provide emotional security and if he "gets" her and her world and what's important to her. She wants to get married, so she wants a man who has some idea of what it's like to propose a lifetime commitment to someone, and who has an idea of what married life is like. If the guy is a devoted single dad, that's often even better, because then she sees that he "gets" parenthood. That the divorced guy brings with him some things that might make her life difficult (dealing with someone else's children or the baggage), and even the logical conclusion that he is divorced because it's his fault, is less important than the sense the woman gets that the man "gets" what she is striving for--marriage and children--better than the never-married childless single guy.

 

My theory anyway....

[KathyM]

I disagree with this. I think all of the above reasons are silly. Many people just haven't met the right person. I think it's best to wait until the right person comes along, then succumb to societal pressure to be married by a certain age.

So you don't think there are men or women who are afraid of that kind of commitment, and therefore refrain from or postpone marriage? You don't think there are people who are into a more independent lifestyle and prefer to keep it that way, or have kept their independent lifestyle rather than opt for marriage? So you don't think there are people who have various things amiss with them that make them not marriage material or not appealing to the opposite sex? Sure, there are those who have not married because they have not found the right person, but in a lot of cases, it's one of the other reasons that was holding them back from marriage. But I would agree with you insofar as it's best not to marry than to marry the wrong person just because of societal pressure.

[FitChick]

You can't automatically assume the never marrieds are that way because THEY have trouble making a commitment. It's often the people they've dated who can't or won't make a commitment. I wasted a lot of time with men like that.

[KathyM]

can you be any more judgmental? you may as well write a whole book of reasons who no men are desirable. i must have a sense of entitlement too since i hold out a tiny hope that i'm meet somebody. i'm 40 and nothing so far.

Just stating some of the issues involved. Don't shoot the messenger.

[KathyM]

You can't automatically assume the never marrieds are that way because THEY have trouble making a commitment. It's often the people they've dated who can't or won't make a commitment. I wasted a lot of time with men like that.

Like I said, there's a variety of reasons why people may not have gotten married (fear of commitment, wanting a more independent lifestyle, having negatives that have prevented relationships from progressing, or never having met the right person). There are a variety of reasons why someone may not have gotten married, but three of the four I would consider a red flag. The never finding the right person could also be a red flag in some cases, since that may show that the person has unrealistic expectations and never satisfied with people who are not perfect.

[Imajerk17]

Like I said, there's a variety of reasons why people may not have gotten married (fear of commitment, wanting a more independent lifestyle, having negatives that have prevented relationships from progressing, or never having met the right person). There are a variety of reasons why someone may not have gotten married, but three of the four I would consider a red flag. The never finding the right person could also be a red flag in some cases, since that may show that the person has unrealistic expectations and never satisfied with people who are not perfect.

 

Well sure, but there are a variety reasons why people might have gotten divorced (one personality during courtship another after the wedding, wanting a more independent lifestyle, having negatives that made the other spouse leave, bad judgement in picking a partner). There are a variety of reasons why someone may have gotten divorced, but three of the four I would consider a red flag. The bad judgement in picking a partner could also be a red flag in some cases, since that may show that the person has unrealistic expectations.

[Brit]

Are you really allowing the opinion of one person get to you so much? It may not relate to your individual case, but if a man reaches his late 40s or into his 50s and has never been married, there is usually a reason for them making this decision. I would warn a friend not to go into this wishing for more than casual dating.

A man by this age is set in their ways, and often huge changes to their accustomed lifestyle is a setting for disaster.

And getting angry about it and blameshifting it onto divorcees and generalizing them into one big group is waving a flag.

If you are different than the usual case, and are honest, open, and give off the feeling that you are genuine in your intentions of wanting a LTR, then you shouldn't have many future problems like this, but realistically, this question is going to be asked many times of you if you continue to date, it is natural for someone to wonder why someone has never married into their latter years.

[Imajerk17]

Like I said, there's a variety of reasons why people may not have gotten married (fear of commitment, wanting a more independent lifestyle, having negatives that have prevented relationships from progressing, or never having met the right person). There are a variety of reasons why someone may not have gotten married, but three of the four I would consider a red flag. The never finding the right person could also be a red flag in some cases, since that may show that the person has unrealistic expectations and never satisfied with people who are not perfect.

 

Well sure, but there are a variety reasons why people might have gotten divorced (one personality during courtship another after the wedding, wanting a more independent lifestyle--making the commitment of marriage be damned, having negatives that made the other spouse leave, bad judgement in picking a partner). There are a variety of reasons why someone may have gotten divorced, but three of the four I would consider a red flag, more serious as a whole over the red flags over not being married. The bad judgement in picking a partner could also be a red flag in some cases, since that may show that the person has unrealistic expectations and has poor impulse control, doesn't know what they really need.

[Brit]

The manner in which you stated, "I corrected her," gives me the chills.

[FitChick]

I wonder what the opinions are of men or women who have lived with someone for years, maybe even having kids, but never married the person. I take that as a red flag.