Living Authentically/NC

[thomasb]

I thought it would be inspiring for those of us who have chosen to never cheat again to give our reasons for the new posters who are trying NC. A few reasons I had were:

 

1. I was sick to my stomach constantly during the affair due to stress.

2. The affair went against my religious convictions.

3. The affair went against my moral convictions.

4. My beautiful wife did not deserve the betrayal.

5. My children deserved to have a father who practiced what he preached.

6. I was ashamed that I had ever touched the OW.

 

Add your own reasons!

[TigerCub]

- Its not a good place to be - to supply someone with what they need (if its emotional, ego stroking, physical aspects) just so its easier for them to stay in a relationship with someone else.

 

- The guilt over knowing that what I was taking a part of was wrong.

 

- The fact that the moments of euphoria don't outweigh the agonizing, heart wrenching heartbreak.

 

- Settling for someone that was never giving me all of himself and instead was giving me a lot of riddles and lies to sift through.

 

- The anger at myself for settling for way less than I deserved, and for putting my self worth on the line.

 

-Also, I always believed that "People should live however they want to live, as long as they aren't hurting anyone" - and I know that I was breaking my own code and that was/is very hard to live with.

Edited May 15, 2012 by TigerCub

[thomasb]

-

 

- The guilt over knowing that what I was taking a part of was wrong.

.

 

This was a biggie to me also. It made me heartsick knowing what I was doing was going to cause so much pain to my family.

[skywriter]

I think living authentically should include, not getting involved in someone elses issues.

 

Not being a participant in someone who's cheating on their spouse.

 

Involving ourselves with someone who's willing to use us to betray their significant other, then toss us away to save their own self.

 

Not changing ourselves, our values and morals just to be with someone who doesn't care about us anyone.

[thomasb]

I think it takes an awful lot of strength and conviction to man up (or woman up!) and confess. But, it is unfair to all involved to continue to 'straddle' the fence.

[TigerCub]

This was a biggie to me also. It made me heartsick knowing what I was doing was going to cause so much pain to my family.

 

I can imagine the guilt of that!

 

I wasn't with anyone so I wasn't cheating on someone I had committed to, and I still felt the guilt of what my involvement with xmm did to his relationship & family.

 

I think the guilt of cheating on someone and affecting your own family (as was in your case) would be exponentially higher.

[trinity1]

Having had shorter affairs as a WS in my younger years, I never would again. I would never go behind my partner's back. If I was interested in someone else I would say so, which is what I did when I reconnected with Neo. I value honesty in a relationship. I'd rather be hurt by the truth than spared pain by lies.

[MissBee]

I'm proud to say that I live authentically and true to my values/morals/standards now. It was not always the case. I've always been a empathetic person so to engage in something that hurt someone else was very much against who I am as a person and it has cost me plenty. I will not in the future be in a triangular relationship as the cost is too great to all parties. Life is difficult enough without adding more regrets and complications to it.

 

I agree with this. For me, I realized that I didn't want a relationship that I needed special support for, that I had to explain to people, that I had to explain to myself. I wanted a relationship that was truthful and open to all who were looking, that I didn't have to have ANY kind of justification for. Something simple. An affair was never going to be simple for me and my check on ANY relationship is if it is simple or requires too much bending and contortion or explanation...if it does...I have to opt out. All relationships have their issues but I think there is quite a difference between the average par for the course issues couples face, then uphill battles or situations that are designed from jump to be problematic. I just didn't want to choose complications, because as you said, life is hard as is...so why would I, having a choice, choose an inherently complicated path?

[Radagast]

I thought it would be inspiring for those of us who have chosen to never cheat again to give our reasons for the new posters who are trying NC.!

 

I would never cheat again. I am with someone I love and respect and would not want to hurt her in that way. She allows me to live fully and authentically and I have no need for anything beyond what I have.

I have learned through counselling how to confront things that make me unhappy and to acknowledge my own needs and feelings and so if anything should go wrong I have the tools to deal with that.

The affair was not the best way of solving problems but it has brought me joy with the love of my life so I would never stand in judgment of others who do what I did, even though I myself would never opt to do so again.

[Bellechica]

I maintain NC because:

1. Out of love for my H and children

2. my family must stay intact

3. I felt like an insane person, and out of control

4. Any contact would make me physically sick. The A took a toll on my health

5. Each day is a blessing and new beginning

[Ninja'sHusband]

How many of you switched jobs, moved, or quit a hobby to avoid the AP?

[Bellechica]

NH, that might be a new topic for a thread. I haven't left my job, but I asked to taken off of a committee on which I served with the OM. My request was approved. The less I see of him, the better.

[TigerCub]

How many of you switched jobs' date=' moved, or quit a hobby to avoid the AP?[/quote']

 

We didn't work together, we worked in the same building - so I didn't have to switch or quit anything.

 

Also, once I snapped out of it and really decided that enough was enough and that I need to put me first I knew that I wouldn't go back.

 

It was difficult and the whole experience was painful, including the beginning of NC - I am glad that I didn't have to see him daily, because that would have made it more difficult, because he would have tried to weasel back in - but either way, I knew that I had to be strong and do what was right.

 

I can sympathize somewhat with people that are still working together after the end of an A because its a constant reminder, and there is inevitably 1 AP that will try to start things up again. I'm glad I didn't have to deal with that in that capacity.

 

Also, I had started seeing the man that's my boyfriend now, and that was enough to not lose perspective and kind of "keep my eye on the prize":love:. I didn't want to screw up that relationship.

[East7]

When I was in the A these are the things I wanted so much and I never had :

 

- Talk to my friends and family freely about MW.

- Walk with her without shame or afraid to bump into someone who knew one of us.

- Not wait for sneaking around encounters or have to lie to friends, family about meeting MW.

- Not being sad and heartbroken all the time.

- Not having to wait for her to find a lie to tell her H so she could be with me..(and she used that to tell me: look what sacrifices I'm doing for you !)

 

Instead :

 

- I want to leave authentically with someone out in the open under the sunlight.

- Be proud of her and tell everyone she is my SO.

- Not have to lie about anything to anyone.

 

 

What killed me most is the sneaking around, trading my self-worth for the sake of love, participating in cheating an innocent husband who loved and trusted his wife. I did love xMW but it was the most disastrous experience in my life.

[Ninja'sHusband]

We didn't work together, we worked in the same building - so I didn't have to switch or quit anything.

 

Also, once I snapped out of it and really decided that enough was enough and that I need to put me first I knew that I wouldn't go back.

 

It was difficult and the whole experience was painful, including the beginning of NC - I am glad that I didn't have to see him daily, because that would have made it more difficult, because he would have tried to weasel back in - but either way, I knew that I had to be strong and do what was right.

 

I can sympathize somewhat with people that are still working together after the end of an A because its a constant reminder, and there is inevitably 1 AP that will try to start things up again. I'm glad I didn't have to deal with that in that capacity.

 

Also, I had started seeing the man that's my boyfriend now, and that was enough to not lose perspective and kind of "keep my eye on the prize":love:. I didn't want to screw up that relationship.

I'll try not to post again since this seems to be a WS thread, but NC is also for the BSs piece of mind(whether you "do" anything or not) and to demonstrate you are willing to do whatever it takes to make the M work. So to me, being in the same building is still could be a bit nerve wracking for the BS.

[Breathless]

How many of you switched jobs' date=' moved, or quit a hobby to avoid the AP?[/quote']

 

I left my position with a company that I was with for over 12 years to avoid the xMM the day after DDay. Not because my BH demanded me to leave - in fact, my BH left the house and was already talking to a lawyer about divorce when I decided to leave my job. I left for me - my mental and emotional health. I could not possibly go back to work and see xMM every day and pretend that he did not exist after all that we had shared. I couldn't go back knowing that every minute I was around the xMM - was another minute of torture to my BH. In order to save my marriage and xMM marriage - NC was established on DDay and it has never been broken by either of us. It has been over 10 months now and I have started my new life, "new" marriage with my BH. There was no other option for xMM and I - No Contact is a small sacrifice to pay after all the pain I have caused my BH and xMM's BW.

[thomasb]

Breathless, I feel you did well.

[TigerCub]

I'll try not to post again since this seems to be a WS thread' date=' but NC is also for the BSs piece of mind(whether you "do" anything or not) [i']and [/i]to demonstrate you are willing to do whatever it takes to make the M work. So to me, being in the same building is still could be a bit nerve wracking for the BS.

 

I totally understand where a BS would be coming from with that.

I didn't have a BS. I did NC for me, and I knew that I wouldn't do anything even if he was somewhere in the same building.

 

But for those BSs that actually stay with the WS, I can totally understand that they would need a LOT of actions to prove that the WS is sorry and wont be doing that again - and initiating NC, not being in the same place as their AP, etc would be a good place to start.

[Breathless]

Breathless, I feel you did well.

 

Thanks for the kind words. From your posts I see that you have found your way back home...to where your heart is...your wife! I am very happy for you!

 

Saying that I did "well" is a bit of a stretch...I am still clawing at the walls trying to make it out of the black hole that I dug. But at least I finally see that small beam of light of hope and that is all I need to keep fighting to save my marriage.

 

Wish me luck - It's our 9 year wedding anniversary tomorrow...I'm nervous, scared, hopeful, excited, depressed and giddy all at the same time!

[thomasb]

We are getting close to two decades. And the affair was over one and a half of those ago. So I know for a fact you can make it to a new, better ralationship. God Bless.