bf said he is "losing emotional sexual interest in me. are we done?

[maria gostrey]

so i've been dating this guy for 7 months now. i'm a virgin and am still trying to figure out how i feel about premarital sex. when we met 7 months ago and i told him very sincerely that sex was currently not on the table he said that he was totally fine with it and it was not an issue and he had done the sex thing and wanted to try something new. i was reluctant, knowing how men who have had sex frequently before may not be satisfied with a sexless relationship for the time being and asked him over and over to make sure if he was okay with my decision. after he convinced me that he knew what he was doing and that he really liked me and wanted to see what you happen.

we met and started dating late last october. until march things were pretty good. he was sweet and attentive when he was with me even if his extreme introvert tendencies irked me some and made me feel lonely. he really liked me and went out of his way to demonstrate that he wanted me in his life. in the bedroom we made out and didn't do much as he is my first bf and i am nervous about proceeding further. the first time he tried to do more i said "no" and that i wasnt ready. he felt very hurt by it even though i explained that it wasnt about him- at all. i found him very attractive and wanted to go forward but i wasnt emotionally there yet.he said he understood and we spent the next couple of months just making out. in late march he stopped making out with me saying that just making out-without any prospect of a "release" for him was too painful for him physically and he couldnt do it anymore. i said thats okay we'll just lightly demonstrate affection and tone things down for a bit. but since then he refuses to offer physical demonstrations of affection except some light pecks and hugs. i was fine with it at first because i felt bad that not proceeding sexually had caused him such great physical pain. but then i realized his waning physical attention left me feeling undesired and unwanted. he kept reassuring me that he was into me and wanted to make out with me but that doing so with the uncertainty of release for him was just not worth it anymore. it hurt too much and he couldnt kiss or make out with me unless i were to assure him that we would move forward. i said that if he didnt make out with me and kiss me i wouldnt ever feel safe or loved or cared for enough to want to move forward. we were at a stalemate and lots of fights ensued. he went so far as to say that he wasnt sure if he could stay in a sexless relationship for "more than a year" at best. i was deeply hurt and said if he wanted to break up with me he should just do it. he was mad that i thought he wanted to break up with me and said that thats just how he felt and he couldnt help it. sex was an important part of the relationship for him and he needed it to move foward and feel emotionally connected and intimate.

he then told me he loved me. and i said given the circumstances i was so confused about his feelings. if he loved me why then was he planning an exit in a year if i do not have sex with him?

he said he wasnt planning any exit just that he wanted to be as truthful as he could about how he felt. plain and simple.

his declaration of love seemed sincere and honest-so i stayed put believing that we would eventually find a solution to our problem. over the weekend we attended a wedding in nyc and i was so into him. i tried to get him to kiss me but he refused. saying that the pain of getting no physical release was not worth making out with me. i tried and hurt after rejection stopped my efforts. the next morning he confessed that after all the times i have said "no" to him he is losing emotional sexual interest in me. he said i was beautiful,no doubt about that and as a guy he found me very attractive and desirable but he just didnt emotional find me as sexually attractive as he did in the beginning. he says he thinks it is because of all the "no;s" ive said to him over the past couple of months that his brain has now been conditioned to associate physical intimacy with me as a negative, painful thing. so he avoids it.

i was so hurt i was almost in tears. he took my hand and told me that he still loves me and cares for me more and more every day. he is comfortable with me so he feels safe telling me his honest feelings so that we can "fix" this.

i am so hurt and confused. i've been cyring since yesterday (when he told me). i dont have any idea what this means for our relationship and am so hurt. i love him very very much and dont want to lose him over this. what should i do?

[bean1]

Sorry, but expect a break up in the near future.

 

I have been on the other end of this (I am female, btw, it was a 2 year relationship). Rejection of sex, for someone who does not believe in abstaining before marriage, is just too much of a hurdle. Many people believe that you should have a sexually compatible partner before marriage and no sex before marriage means a gamble, a gamble most are not willing to take. He may also be nowhere near ready for marriage and simply does not want to waste time by abstaining.

 

For people who enjoy sex, a sexless relationship becomes a friendship and not lovers. You are a friend to him now, he is not viewing you the same anymore.

 

I'm not saying you are wrong and I am not telling you to have sex with him- but if these are your values, then there is no sense in trying to keep this together because this is a value that is just too different.

[NeverDated]

I'm not saying you are wrong and I am not telling you to have sex with him- but if these are your values, then there is no sense in trying to keep this together because this is a value that is just too different.

This.

 

You have one set of standards, he has another. Either one of you has to change, which rarely works, or you have to agree that your outlook is entirely incompatible.

[Pierre]

so i've been dating this guy for 7 months now. i'm a virgin and am still trying to figure out how i feel about premarital sex. when we met 7 months ago and i told him very sincerely that sex was currently not on the table he said that he was totally fine with it and it was not an issue and he had done the sex thing and wanted to try something new. i was reluctant, knowing how men who have had sex frequently before may not be satisfied with a sexless relationship for the time being and asked him over and over to make sure if he was okay with my decision. after he convinced me that he knew what he was doing and that he really liked me and wanted to see what you happen.

we met and started dating late last october. until march things were pretty good. he was sweet and attentive when he was with me even if his extreme introvert tendencies irked me some and made me feel lonely. he really liked me and went out of his way to demonstrate that he wanted me in his life. in the bedroom we made out and didn't do much as he is my first bf and i am nervous about proceeding further. the first time he tried to do more i said "no" and that i wasnt ready. he felt very hurt by it even though i explained that it wasnt about him- at all. i found him very attractive and wanted to go forward but i wasnt emotionally there yet.he said he understood and we spent the next couple of months just making out. in late march he stopped making out with me saying that just making out-without any prospect of a "release" for him was too painful for him physically and he couldnt do it anymore. i said thats okay we'll just lightly demonstrate affection and tone things down for a bit. but since then he refuses to offer physical demonstrations of affection except some light pecks and hugs. i was fine with it at first because i felt bad that not proceeding sexually had caused him such great physical pain. but then i realized his waning physical attention left me feeling undesired and unwanted. he kept reassuring me that he was into me and wanted to make out with me but that doing so with the uncertainty of release for him was just not worth it anymore. it hurt too much and he couldnt kiss or make out with me unless i were to assure him that we would move forward. i said that if he didnt make out with me and kiss me i wouldnt ever feel safe or loved or cared for enough to want to move forward. we were at a stalemate and lots of fights ensued. he went so far as to say that he wasnt sure if he could stay in a sexless relationship for "more than a year" at best. i was deeply hurt and said if he wanted to break up with me he should just do it. he was mad that i thought he wanted to break up with me and said that thats just how he felt and he couldnt help it. sex was an important part of the relationship for him and he needed it to move foward and feel emotionally connected and intimate.

he then told me he loved me. and i said given the circumstances i was so confused about his feelings. if he loved me why then was he planning an exit in a year if i do not have sex with him?

he said he wasnt planning any exit just that he wanted to be as truthful as he could about how he felt. plain and simple.

his declaration of love seemed sincere and honest-so i stayed put believing that we would eventually find a solution to our problem. over the weekend we attended a wedding in nyc and i was so into him. i tried to get him to kiss me but he refused. saying that the pain of getting no physical release was not worth making out with me. i tried and hurt after rejection stopped my efforts. the next morning he confessed that after all the times i have said "no" to him he is losing emotional sexual interest in me. he said i was beautiful,no doubt about that and as a guy he found me very attractive and desirable but he just didnt emotional find me as sexually attractive as he did in the beginning. he says he thinks it is because of all the "no;s" ive said to him over the past couple of months that his brain has now been conditioned to associate physical intimacy with me as a negative, painful thing. so he avoids it.

i was so hurt i was almost in tears. he took my hand and told me that he still loves me and cares for me more and more every day. he is comfortable with me so he feels safe telling me his honest feelings so that we can "fix" this.

i am so hurt and confused. i've been cyring since yesterday (when he told me). i dont have any idea what this means for our relationship and am so hurt. i love him very very much and dont want to lose him over this. what should i do?

 

I have dated a virgin and married her. Never pressured her for penetration sex, but we mad out a lot and she gave me amazing orgasms. Wen were naked in bed all the time and I simply respected her.

 

This guy sounds a bit selfish for only thinking what he wants.

 

Can you pleasure him to orgasm? Once she started to give me orgasms I was fine.

[dasein]

Sorry to say, but it's time to move on. I think your BF has treated you badly, as he knew what he was getting into from the start. At least he was honest in his reasons, so you have learned to seek out men who are on the same page as you sexually from day 1. We live in an oversexed culture, and what used to be a sign of character and self-discipline has become an albatross, an unfortunate cultural consequence. Good luck moving on.

[Pierre]

Sorry, but expect a break up in the near future.

 

I have been on the other end of this (I am female, btw, it was a 2 year relationship). Rejection of sex, for someone who does not believe in abstaining before marriage, is just too much of a hurdle. Many people believe that you should have a sexually compatible partner before marriage and no sex before marriage means a gamble, a gamble most are not willing to take. He may also be nowhere near ready for marriage and simply does not want to waste time by abstaining.

 

For people who enjoy sex, a sexless relationship becomes a friendship and not lovers. You are a friend to him now, he is not viewing you the same anymore.

 

I'm not saying you are wrong and I am not telling you to have sex with him- but if these are your values, then there is no sense in trying to keep this together because this is a value that is just too different.

 

I did not penetrate her and yet we were sexually compatible big time. I believe there is more to sex that the actual penetration. She needs to give him more.

[maria gostrey]

I have dated a virgin and married her. Never pressured her for penetration sex, but we mad out a lot and she gave me amazing orgasms. Wen were naked in bed all the time and I simply respected her.

 

This guy sounds a bit selfish for only thinking what he wants.

 

Can you pleasure him to orgasm? Once she started to give me orgasms I was fine.

 

how long did you guys date before marriage? did you guys have oral sex at least?

 

my bf is frustrated because we dont have oral sex- he insists that he would be fine for a while if i gave him some sort of physical release-hand job or a blow job. over the weekend i finally touched his penis and felt it out. it felt nice but i felt i did it because of this immense pressure and not necessarily because i was ready to.

[Pierre]

Pierre sounds like a total loser.

 

I love trolls:D.

[Pierre]

how long did you guys date before marriage? did you guys have oral sex at least?

 

my bf is frustrated because we dont have oral sex- he insists that he would be fine for a while if i gave him some sort of physical release-hand job or a blow job. over the weekend i finally touched his penis and felt it out. it felt nice but i felt i did it because of this immense pressure and not necessarily because i was ready to.

 

My virgin GF was very sexual. We did everything under the sun except the penetration. Waiting was actually rewarding. You sound too rigid.

[d'Arthez]

my bf is frustrated because we dont have oral sex- he insists that he would be fine for a while if i gave him some sort of physical release-hand job or a blow job. over the weekend i finally touched his penis and felt it out. it felt nice but i felt i did it because of this immense pressure and not necessarily because i was ready to.

Don't do these things when you do not want to do them. Any lover that pressurizes you into doing things you are not comfortable with, is not worth it.

[bean1]

I don't think she needs to give him anything, if she isn't comfortable then she isn't comfortable. Maybe she is? But she is unsure about what to do and does not need to compromise.

 

The no penetration thing - well, we did that for 2 years and I found it terribly boring and frustrating. Even though HE was the one who didn't believe in premarital sex, he still had more fun than me.

 

The point of dating is to find someone with compatible values and that might take a while.

[maria gostrey]

Don't do these things when you do not want to do them. Any lover that pressurizes you into doing things you are not comfortable with' date=' is not worth it.[/quote']

 

i was raised in a very conservative muslim family and believed in sex after marriage. nowadays, i dont know. im figuring it all out- when i want to have sex...if i ever do before marriage...how far should my boundaries lie? etc etc

 

i told him im in a very exploratory stage...so far i have taken major milestones with him but they seem real insignificant to him. i sleep over at his place, he is the first guy to see me shirtless, the first guy i make out with the first guy to touch my boobs etc etc. all these are HUGE steps for me and should demonstrate that i do care and love him very much to share these events with him...but he just keeps wanting more. and now i dont want to proceed because i feel pressured and that i am doing it for HIM and not for me, yet. i dont feel ready, ESPECIALLY under these circumstances when he wont even kiss me unless i say we can move forward.

[ohmygoshistalk]

well i dont blame the guy, he is a guy after all.. it takes a strong man to really hold his own integrity , principles or whatever ..this guy though i dnt think he deserves you or your virginity.

take it from me i used to think it was a big deal back then lol. i wasnt depressed after losing my v-card but i kinda wish i waited for the right guy.

 

its very normal also that you'd feel unwanted, i even read that when a guy doesnt orgasm in bed the female usually feels unsatisfied or unfulfilled, i am sure it doesnt go for all women but i certainly feel not satisfied if my man didnt orgasm. hehe.

 

anyway it seems to me u dont know anything about sex. to be honest u have no bsiness doing it if u dont know how to do birth control. lets just be responsible here.

 

first of all every time u have sex, there is always a chance u can get pregnant. if u use a condom or be on the pill it doesnt mean 110% safe. there is always a chance. thats why u should only do it w/ someone u love or care for (if u can help it, of course). im no angel and of course there was that time when i couldnt help it. lol.

 

second of all, just cause u used condoms doesnt mean u wont get genital herpes or genital warts. they are transferred through skin to skin contact. google images of it..and read more about it. a person can have it and not know it. its more dangerous for women too cause it will get on ur uterus/reproductive organs.

 

im sorry i dont mean to preach but ive seen myself in ur situation before. almost the same exact..

 

the guy was super handsome...everyone was in love w/ him. he was popular ...and i was flattered. when i said no he was polite about it , seemed ok. afterwards though he sort of broke up with me and i was really broken up about it..

 

looking back it wasnt a big deal after all and now that guy is like gross.

 

just think about it ..just enjoy your life for now.

[standtall]

If you guys are not on the same page sexually from the get go, this relationship is DOA.

[Emilia]

i dont have any idea what this means for our relationship and am so hurt. i love him very very much and dont want to lose him over this. what should i do?

 

It sounds like your 'relationship' is more like a friendship. Most adults would find that frustrating and wouldn't want to go along with that.

[ThaWholigan]

how long did you guys date before marriage? did you guys have oral sex at least?

 

my bf is frustrated because we dont have oral sex- he insists that he would be fine for a while if i gave him some sort of physical release-hand job or a blow job. over the weekend i finally touched his penis and felt it out. it felt nice but i felt i did it because of this immense pressure and not necessarily because i was ready to.

 

You are both on different pages completely.

 

He does not know how to deal with such a scenario and is handling it badly, much to your emotional detriment, which in turn is going to ensure that things don't move forward. I can see your post where you say you come from a muslim family. How old are you??

 

He is not empathic to how you're calibrating to becoming sexual, it is obviously a gradual process for you, whereas he is past that point. Honestly, I don't see how this is going to work as he is going to keep pushing you, and you will keep moving away as he pushes. I think you may have to consider breaking up and moving on, finding someone who is either at an exploratory stage aswell, or is patient, understanding and empathic enough to allow you to grow.

 

As a virgin myself, I understand a great deal about anxiety in sexual matters and how far you want to go and boudaries etc. Take your time.

[Emilia]

and now i dont want to proceed because i feel pressured and that i am doing it for HIM and not for me, yet. i dont feel ready, ESPECIALLY under these circumstances when he wont even kiss me unless i say we can move forward.

 

I would find it extremely frustrating as a woman to keep making out and not go further. I haven't had this sort of 'start and stop' for many many years. I'm surprise he lasted this long with all fairness.

[Pierre]

i was raised in a very conservative muslim family and believed in sex after marriage. nowadays, i dont know. im figuring it all out- when i want to have sex...if i ever do before marriage...how far should my boundaries lie? etc etc

 

i told him im in a very exploratory stage...so far i have taken major milestones with him but they seem real insignificant to him. i sleep over at his place, he is the first guy to see me shirtless, the first guy i make out with the first guy to touch my boobs etc etc. all these are HUGE steps for me and should demonstrate that i do care and love him very much to share these events with him...but he just keeps wanting more. and now i dont want to proceed because i feel pressured and that i am doing it for HIM and not for me, yet. i dont feel ready, ESPECIALLY under these circumstances when he wont even kiss me unless i say we can move forward.

 

Sounds like a selfish childish man. The inability to have control is characteristic of animals or very dumb men. Furthermore, he does not know how to work with you. If you give him your pussy you will regret it because he is a jerk.

[Eddie Edirol]

i was raised in a very conservative muslim family and believed in sex after marriage. nowadays, i dont know. im figuring it all out- when i want to have sex...if i ever do before marriage...how far should my boundaries lie? etc etc

 

i told him im in a very exploratory stage...so far i have taken major milestones with him but they seem real insignificant to him. i sleep over at his place, he is the first guy to see me shirtless, the first guy i make out with the first guy to touch my boobs etc etc. all these are HUGE steps for me and should demonstrate that i do care and love him very much to share these events with him...but he just keeps wanting more. and now i dont want to proceed because i feel pressured and that i am doing it for HIM and not for me, yet. i dont feel ready, ESPECIALLY under these circumstances when he wont even kiss me unless i say we can move forward.

 

For him, giving up sex or orgasm was a huge step for him. So he was trying, but he found out that since you wont try to explore your sexuality, it isnt worth it to be in pain. Since you havent had orgasms, you dont understand how powerful the urges are, as it is a basic human chemical desire. You dont understand how painful it really is to give all that up. Since he has had sex before, giving all that up for you is the equivalent of you letting him touch your boobs, and sleep over his house.

 

I think that if you dont feel comfortable enough with him to discover more about your sexuality after 7 months, you never will, and you really need to let him go. Since he already has these urges, he developed sexuality as part of the emotional intimacy, and you are trying cut part of that off by giving him nothing sexual. Making out isnt enough.

 

Also, when you tell him that your not comfortable with even trying to explore your sexuality, he probably takes that as you not wanting to try for his sake, which is why it looks to you like he always wants more. Its like he put all this emotional effort to love you genuinely, and endured the torture of no release for nothing, because you wont try for him. We know youre trying, but it might not look like that for him since you resist it so much.

 

I think theres nothing else that can be done, you really have to let him go, you two are at two completely different mentalities in your lives, and he has compromised all he can to the edge of his sanity, to try not to resent you, or give up on you. I think that is a bigger deal for him that what you are "trying" to do for him.

[maybealone]

I think it is perfectly acceptable for him to decide that he no longer wants to be in a sexless relationship. I think it is unacceptable for him to pressure you. If he has made that decision about himself, he needs to own that decision, break up with you, and move on. Withholding even basic affection and giving you the whole "I don't want to break up, BUT..." is immature and wrong, IMO.

 

If this is how he handles major issues in his life, think about how it would be to have a whole life of that. You might decide that you deserve someone who is more compatible with you.

[Quiet Storm]

A big part of how men express their love, is through sexual connection. By not allowing that, you are blocking his love, in a sense.

 

This is very frustrating for him. I am surprised he has hung in this long, and that is why I think he really cares for you and is not just trying to manipulate you into sex.

 

I think your boyfriend is being honest with you. At the beginning, he probably thought he could do it. He doesn't sound like he is being a jerk about this, he just sounds sexually frustrated, which is very understandable. He's still respecting your boundaries.

 

You are still wanting the affection and romance, but those actions no longer bring him pleasure because they are a constant reminder that he can't have all of you. He is avoiding those things because they bring him pain. Your insistence on still doing those things, knowing how it makes him feel, is insensitive. It makes you seem like a tease, because you are seeking to meet your needs (affection and attention), while disregarding his (sex).

 

Why should your needs for affection and attention be more important than his? You expect him to meet your needs for affection and attention, and then expect him to be completely okay with having his needs denied.

 

You should break up because right now, with no sex or affection, you are essentially just friends anyway.

 

It is okay to decide that you are not ready for sex in a relationship, but for it to work BOTH partners need to genuinely agree about this. You don't want a sexual relationship, and he does. You are not compatible.

[newmoon]

i think he sounds very honest, as do you, and that you're just not compatible at this time. it does seem that the best course of action is to break things off and then, if it's meant to be it might happen down the line when you are ready.

 

"he says he thinks it is because of all the "no;s" ive said to him over the past couple of months that his brain has now been conditioned to associate physical intimacy with me as a negative, painful thing. so he avoids it."

 

i think the above part you mentioned is very accurate. i had a man tell me this once as well (in a very good way). we would be having sex and if i was hesitant to do something i'd say no. he said it made it seem like he was taking advantage of me and that was a turn-off, so i don't think this is a lie. as well, it is very painful for men (so i hear) to get 'there' and then not have release, so you aren't meeting his needs. it's wonderful you have waited to have sex, but perhaps continue to wait because this guy doesn't sound like the one.

[make me believe]

He doesn't sound selfish or childish to me. He's already waited 7 months, which is longer than most sexually active adults would be willing to wait.

While letting him touch your boobs and having sexless sleepovers is a huge step for you, it is likely just more of a tease for him. I'm sure intellectually he understands that these are major milestones for you, but for somebody who's already had sex it's really nothing but a reminder of what he's not getting.

 

You need to find a guy who is on the same page as you. Most people who have already had sex will not be willing to wait until marriage or to go for months without any sexual connection to their partner. This does not make him a jerk or selfish. It makes him HUMAN. Sexual intimacy is a huge part of adult romantic relationships, and most people will not be interested in a relationship that doesn't include that kind of intimacy. Even with promises of "maybe someday..."

 

I also think that your boyfriend is probably feeling very rejected, since you have been with him for 7 months but you're still not comfortable doing anything sexual with him. He probably feels like you don't trust him or desire him.

 

Bottom line is you shouldn't have sex if you're not ready, but you also shouldn't get into a relationship with a previously sexually active guy and realistically expect him to wait until marriage. You really need to find a guy who WANTS to wait until marriage like you do.

[d'Arthez]

Bottom line is you shouldn't have sex if you're not ready, but you also shouldn't get into a relationship with a previously sexually active guy and realistically expect him to wait until marriage.

 

Considering the background of OP, this is not just an issue between her and her boyfriend, but also an issue of coming to terms with her religion and social expectations within her (extended) family. And that is something her boyfriend would have been well aware of even before they became a couple.

 

They are better off splitting up.

[pteromom]

I do not think you should sleep with him if you aren't ready, but expecting him to never have a release is not right either.

 

I think you should start taking slow steps forward... you touched his penis, and that's good. Maybe next time, you can touch it again, then let him masturbate while you make out with him.

 

Then the next time, maybe you can stroke it some too.

 

Then maybe you can try oral sex for a couple minutes.

 

Just go slowly - but ALWAYS let him release, even if he is doing it himself. Keep making out though, so that you keep that connection and keep building your own desire.