What do you do when someone isn’t relationship material?

[d'Arthez]

Dating someone based on the potential I saw in them is something I've done too many times in the past as well. Because of that, I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with anyone based on potential. They either have everything I want (and I'm not asking for much) or I'm out.

That would greatly depend on your criteria. Sometimes it may be wiser to invest in potential - for the obvious reason that once it is actualized you may have to fight off much more competition for the guy, or you hardly ever registering on his radar - since he will have more options. It may simply be a matter of finding a guy who has met 3 out of 4 criteria, and is relatively close to fulfilling the last criterion.

[Ruby Slippers]

Dating someone based on the potential I saw in them is something I've done too many times in the past as well. Because of that, I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with anyone based on potential. They either have everything I want (and I'm not asking for much) or I'm out. However, since I'm not meeting any men who are LTR material, I'm conflicted.

 

On one hand, I think dating casually could energize me and put me in a positive and less urgent state of mind for when the right one comes along.

 

But, on the other hand, when someone wants to date me, but wants me to accept them for the loser that they are, it makes me feel like I’m not worth being a better person for. That’s what I’m most concerned about—that hanging out with men who aren’t LTR material will negatively affect my self esteem. I worry that I’ll constantly be reminded that this guy is the best I can do (right now). And if he's the best I can EVER do, well then, that’s just depressing.

Again, I TOTALLY relate to every word of this. But even though I'm very sensitive and emotional, it hasn't made me feel bad. I mean, the crazy stalker guy did, but once I learned better how to weed out the crazies, it's been much better.

 

My approach has been total honesty. With the bouncer, for example, I told him that I like him, he's fun, sexy, and a great guy, but just that is not enough for me to get serious. I said if he wants to step this up, as he has said he does, he needs to improve his employment situation so he's more on my level and can contribute at least on par with what I contribute. I told him he doesn't HAVE to do this - we can keep the light fun going for as long as it suits us both - but he MUST do this if I'm going to get "serious" with him, and I have not wavered on that one bit.

 

The day after that talk, he told me he started looking for another job and spent most of that week searching. But I didn't put any pressure on him to do this, and wasn't keeping tabs on it.

 

I told him last night that every woman wants a hero, so no matter who he's with, it's going to benefit him to be in a position of strength with his job and life. He agreed with that, and acknowledged that it has been great to be involved with someone who really fires him up. I get the impression that most women are so starstruck by his strength and sexiness that they don't even care about his ability to provide. He's one of those guys who could probably find a woman to take care of HIM. But that's not me.

 

So, basically, I make it clear that they are lighting my fire as a woman in some important ways, and I will light their fire as a man - but we are free to move on at any time and have no real obligation to each other, beyond honesty and respect. These relationships have not been perfect, but they've been fun and very educational for me. I have no regrets about having them.

[RedRobin]

If someone is not relationship material for various reasons, do you move on?

 

In the past, I’ve moved on immediately, hoping to find someone who was relationship material, but this is a very difficult task. Maybe I've been too hasty? It’s nice to have someone you like and who you enjoy spending time with, and therefore it’s tempting to continue seeing them. I just hate the idea of wasting time.

 

Would you move on or stick around and have fun for awhile?

 

For me, someone has to qualify as a person I'd respect as a fellow human being before they'd qualify for anything.

 

Sometimes we are not compatible due to different life goals or relationship styles, and we end up remaining friends. But I always go in with a feeling of mutual respect and care.

 

The kind of man you are looking for won't be having FWB and wouldn't be keen on you having them either.

[threebyfate]

Much of this is based on the assumption that relationships must last forever. Most relationships don't.

 

As long as the other person's aware that there's no long-term potential, there's no reason why you can't enter into something short-term.

[RedRobin]

Sure. However, making a habit of knowingly entering short term relationships makes it difficult for a relationship minded person to take them seriously when one does come along.

[threebyfate]

Any action has a consequence. For the few that might reject, how many would accept?

 

Really depends on your target audience and what you bring to the table.

[RedRobin]

Any action has a consequence. For the few that might reject, how many would accept?

 

Really depends on your target audience and what you bring to the table.

 

Accept what? What would someone who uses others for convenience bring to the table exactly? How does this properly project the person she is?

 

I suppose that charisma and good marketing is always useful for frosting turds. Eventually, one rubs off the frosting...

 

Anyway, you'll have to fill me in on the cryptic language. Not sure if I'm following...

[threebyfate]

As long as the other person's aware that there's no long-term potential, there's no reason why you can't enter into something short-term.

 

Accept what? What would someone who uses others for convenience bring to the table exactly?

 

I suppose that charisma and good marketing is always useful for frosting turds. Eventually, one rubs off the frosting...

Weird. Could have sworn the other person was aware of no long-term potential and still voluntarily entered the relationship. Must mean you believe they're a victim of themselves.

[Ruby Slippers]

The good on paper guys I've been dating lately haven't asked if I'm dating or having sex with others. However, as my prospects get better, I'm naturally choosing to clear the slate and consider just them, one at a time.

 

If a good on paper guy I'm seeing now has a casual sex partner or did in the past, I don't really care, as long as he's STD free. The feeling seems to be mutual.

[thatone]

Dating someone based on the potential I saw in them is something I've done too many times in the past as well. Because of that, I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with anyone based on potential. They either have everything I want (and I'm not asking for much) or I'm out. However, since I'm not meeting any men who are LTR material, I'm conflicted.

 

On one hand, I think dating casually could energize me and put me in a positive and less urgent state of mind for when the right one comes along.

 

you might consider the fact that it's impossible to 'plan' your love life, for lack of a better word.

 

it's not a goal that can be laid out and achieved in a set time frame like going to college or reading War and Peace.

 

considering that, no amount of changing your 'plan' is going to make any difference.

[Feelsgoodman]

I’ve always done the “right” thing when it comes to dating. I’ve always been the good girl. I’ve never had ONS or FWB. I don’t keep orbiters around for attention. I won’t have sex outside of a committed relationship. I go long periods of time where I am entirely single, even though some on LS don't believe women do this. I’m very focused on my goal of meeting someone suitable for marriage, yet it hasn’t paid off.

What's your idea of a man who is suitable for marriage?

[RedRobin]

Weird. Could have sworn the other person was aware of no long-term potential and still voluntarily entered the relationship. Must mean you believe they're a victim of themselves.

 

Maybe it is the way some people talk about the people they are having those kinds of relationships with that I find distasteful and tacky...

[LittlePrince]

If someone is not relationship material for various reasons, do you move on?

 

In the past, I’ve moved on immediately, hoping to find someone who was relationship material, but this is a very difficult task. Maybe I've been too hasty? It’s nice to have someone you like and who you enjoy spending time with, and therefore it’s tempting to continue seeing them. I just hate the idea of wasting time.

 

Would you move on or stick around and have fun for awhile?

You hate the idea of wasting time by sticking around and yet you are still not in a LTR or married. Do you see a correlation here?

[Leigh 87]

What is wrong with a bouncer? I think if that sort of man is charismatic, amiable, and gets along well with people - and is ALSO bright enough to have meaningful, enjoyable conversations with u - then there is a whole lot of potential.... I am SURE he does not plan on being a bouncer his entire life!

 

Such guys I know, have motor bikes and are into really cool things - they have travelled, collect fish tanks ( which take a LOT of work and consideration, scientifically speaking too) and who LOVE to do activities you love - like go to the beach, hiking, concerts, live music, etc....

 

Just because a person has no college degree, it does not mean he is less intelligent than you, and is not husband material.

 

 

 

I felt exactly the same way for quite some time. Then, about 2 years ago, I decided to try something different.

 

 

Recently, I met another sexy guy - a bouncer - who did not seem to be a real prospect, either, due to underemployment, but was so fun and intriguing I just had to go out with him. We've been out a few times and had some pretty great sex. The problem, though, is that I really like this guy, and he feels the same way. It's not just sexy - it's also very romantic, dreamy, and sweet. He's been calling me pretty much every night. But last night, I told him I think we have to end this, because I'm looking for my husband and the father of my children, and he's just not in a position to be that guy. I'm meeting better prospects now (stable, good jobs, also looking for marriage material), and I can't be seeing this hottie while I'm doing this. I need to date one man at a time and let the chemistry and anticipation for more build up naturally. Having this stud in the background is distracting. I like him too much. So I told him he can give me a call if his job situation and all improve. I joked with him that he needs to hurry up and come be my hero, because it could be damn sweet - and he agreed. He asked if he can see me one more time before the break/end, and I think I'm going to say yes to that. We have no hard feelings at all - just different circumstances. I started crying on the phone, and he said "I'm really going to miss you" about 10 times. That was reverberating in my mind all night long, and when I woke up today.

[6ft180natl]

Hmm I'm curious what do you do if you find one of these good on paper ppl and say after marriage something happens and they lose that status?

[Leigh 87]

IRIS - also, your an 8 ( good looking, u must be thin and have a pretty face), and your also well educated, and a great girl well, if you cannot find quality guys where your living, your either not as hot as you think you are, or you live in the wrong place.

 

I would suggest moving! Seriously! Most attractive, quality women, have no trouble finding a guy who is relationship worthy, UNLESS they are in a seriosuly bad place for it!

[Ruby Slippers]

What is wrong with a bouncer? I think if that sort of man is charismatic, amiable, and gets along well with people - and is ALSO bright enough to have meaningful, enjoyable conversations with u - then there is a whole lot of potential.... I am SURE he does not plan on being a bouncer his entire life!

Yeah, he has many great qualities, especially that he seems basically fearless, has a terrific attitude, and nobody messes with him. Believe me, the fun of dating a total badass who people love is not lost on me.

 

But he's not a bouncer who has higher aspirations. He's just a bouncer. Who barely scrapes by. I've talked to him about bigger plans, and he doesn't have any. Yes, it's cute and sexy that he ruminated adorably about being my bodyguard when I get higher profile in my own career. But I can't be the only strong provider. There are other problems, too, but not worth getting into here.

 

Hmm I'm curious what do you do if you find one of these good on paper ppl and say after marriage something happens and they lose that status?

On one hand, I'm dating hard-working guys who've owned profitable businesses for years, or similar. And on the other, a fun, sweet guy who has barely gotten by with low-paying jobs and periods of employment his whole life. Anything can happen, but the odds of stability and success with one are much higher. I spent my whole 20s being a screw-the-system struggling artist, then figured out you can't even survive without money. I can't have a family with a guy who can hardly take care of himself.

[threebyfate]

Maybe it is the way some people talk about the people they are having those kinds of relationships with that I find distasteful and tacky...

What are you talking about? If you're referring to my comments, you've totally misread them.

[xpaperxcutx]

some men don't show their true colors until after you sleep with them and sometimes that's a little late. But if you're not invested too early on, you learn to jump ship because there is always a better catch out there who is compatible.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You have two choices on how you're going to spend your time;

 

- Dating someone who has long-term potential

 

- Dating a bunch of people that just keep you happy for a little while

 

If your time, emotions, body, investment is important to you and your aspirations are to become married and have a family then I'd recommend staying on course to that or you'll just deviate from the path and prolong even further your opportunities to reach a real long-lasting relationship.

 

However some people go through phases or are in places where a long-term is not ideal or maybe they have other aspirations career wise that they'd like to accomplish first, or many other reasons so It might be better to just have "fun" in the meantime.

 

Personally I don't know how people can so easily invest with others in a temporary situation when they want something more...just seems like a waste of time to me...but If you're getting something out of it and you're happy with it then that's fine just be realistic with yourself and don't overstep the boundaries because you're playing with fire...but overall I don't feel that emotions and experiences are expendable...you can't just truly give and invest deeply and indefinitely without having it profoundly affect you internally from who you are and what you want...I believe it will just confuse you further and complicate you emotionally especially If you feel that emotional experiences shared with people are significant and not just water under the bridge.

 

You can either buckle under the pressure of your emotional wants and needs and satisfy them temporarily or hold strong and dedicate yourself to what you actually believe in...If you believe in something and you want something it's not going to be easy, you will have to sacrifice and you will feel like giving up time and time again and taking the easy road...and that's when you're tested to determine If you truly are dedicated to what you really want.

 

Do people claim to find love anyway even after going around town having some fun?

 

Of course they do..

 

Does that mean you did the right way and gotten away with being "bad" or just having a good time?

 

Every decision in your life has a consequence, every experience and person has the ability the affect your life and subconscious profoundly and sometimes impact you forever...do you want and need that experience? that's up to you..are you going to look back at it at the end of the day and consider it a good thing? you likely will, I mean how can you not after the deeds are done?

 

I could look back on my past and say at the end of the day It did me a lot of good...sure I'm a different man now in a lot of aspects however In a lot of ways the same...some things can never be repaired and others I needed to learn for my own good...but did I need to do them in that way and make those decisions to progress intellectually...learning more about myself and who I was? I don't necessarily look at it that...I may the decisions I made mostly out of ignorance and lack of sensitivity of other peoples feelings, only valuing mine and being selfish in my endeavors...however It showed me apart of me as well a deep sense of care and consideration I have for people...yet I don't necessarily consider these accomplished lessons.

 

Looking back I would still rather had just gotten married and been a family man and not know all the things about how men and women are, how they think and all the ****ty and pathetic things that we'll do to each other due to our own insecurities and desire to use people to satisfy our own agenda and needs and then just wiping our hands of it as If it almost never happened. Sometimes I do think ignorance is bliss, the things I know are more a curse than a blessing to myself...but that's just my experience, you determine what you need to learn and how you need to get to accomplish the goals you want to...but In some ways I've changed in ways I wish I had not...nothing in life is free...monetarily, emotionally and mentally, just remember that and once you cross the line there is no going back to the way you used to be...for better or worse so be careful in the decisions you make, you don't always know the long-term ramifications until later in life and long after the experience.

[LittlePrince]

Hmm I'm curious what do you do if you find one of these good on paper ppl and say after marriage something happens and they lose that status?

You fold Jackie Paper into a plane and jet yourself off to the land of Honalee preferably by the sea.

[iris219]

What's your idea of a man who is suitable for marriage?

 

I don’t have a lot of requirements, and the ones I have are, I believe, pretty typical.

 

I want someone similar to myself: kind, affectionate, emotionally expressive, concerned about their partner's happiness and what’s best for the relationship. I need them to show me that they love me (my ex wasn’t able to do this and this led to our breakup.)

 

I’d like someone who I find interesting and enjoy talking to. Some sort of intelligence is needed, and this could be in a general way, or just knowledgeable about the world in a common sense way, or they might simply have good communication skills and not necessarily be the smartest.

 

I want someone who I have fun with and enjoy spending time with. Sense of humor is good. Compatibility is important in that we want similar things out of life. I need someone who will make a good father and good husband so no addiction problems. Honesty and loyalty to me and family is necessary.

 

Other elements are secondary. A college degree is nice, but not essential. As long as the guy has a job where he can pay his bills (and he hasn’t racked up a bunch of debt), I’m happy. Of course, there has to be physical attraction, but I’m lenient there. I only ask that they guy not be too short or too fat.

 

Do these seem like realistic requirements?

[RedRobin]

What are you talking about? If you're referring to my comments, you've totally misread them.

 

No, not your comments.

 

Just the general idea that one can 'use' others for fun or whatever. Even if one is honest upfront, someone always gets hurt. Then it becomes a game to see who can suck whom dry first, and a game to see who can stay less emotionally invested. I've observed it many times.

 

This isn't a habit I care to develop... the habit of seeing who can be less emotionally invested and BBD others on a climb to what exactly? Doesn't seem very loving. Nor does it seem to be a path that would help me find a sincerely loving person to spend my life with.

 

I posted to the OP because it get the impression she is looking for the same. After reading her latest post, I see she is. She doesn't come across as a person who is ready to wheel and deal with someone else's emotions just so she can have fun... regardless of the 'honesty'.

 

So I felt the need to step in to offer a different perspective...

[RedRobin]

Do these seem like realistic requirements?

 

They don't seem unreasonable to me. Depending on where you live, there might be fewer single people who have your goals.

 

From your past posts, it seems you have been a little blinded by the charismatic naer-do-well who maybe was good at feeding some pf your romantic ideals... but you haven't learned to dig in. You'll get better at seeing through that.

 

Ask some hard questions. Look for consistency. That's my advice.