iris219 Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 If someone is not relationship material for various reasons, do you move on? In the past, I’ve moved on immediately, hoping to find someone who was relationship material, but this is a very difficult task. Maybe I've been too hasty? It’s nice to have someone you like and who you enjoy spending time with, and therefore it’s tempting to continue seeing them. I just hate the idea of wasting time. Would you move on or stick around and have fun for awhile?
Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 If you love being around them, enough to WANT to be with them in a relationship, what are the things stopping you? Do you enjoy being around them, as much as you do with " relationship worthy" dudes? Do you love being around them, but they lack a certain job, or certain morals? I would just be honest, there is nothing wrong with casually dating and being close, it is fun to have someone to be close with, talk to, and have sex withIf it gets too intense, and you find yourself very distraught at he prospect of being without them, it would be troublesome. Can you find the point where u wnjoy their company a lot, and do not get too upset when you break it off? Some people can casually date, think highly of a person and enjoy their company, and know when to stop, before it gets too serious. Not many can, however. People seam to be geard towards a serious relationship, of flings.
DuchessKaye Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 What makes someone a relationship material and not a relationship material? And also, why would you choose to be associated with someone that you know is not a relationship material? If you are just really looking for fun then stick around and get the fun that you are after for. But I think that makes you someone that is also not a relationship material...
d'Arthez Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 If it gets too intense, and you find yourself very distraught at he prospect of being without them, it would be troublesome. This is exactly why I'd suggest moving on. If he / she is not what OP is looking for longterm, why overly complicate the present? Also, if a good prospect comes by, why would you even have to deal with the complications of the present (breaking things off with the current guy / girl?; the new person having to deal with the consequences of that as well, including possible doubt about the nature of this prolonged relationship?).
dasein Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Never use someone for a placeholder. Sure, things can change, so don't make a complete assessment with little information. But once you are at 100% no, then move on. Otherwise you are wasting your and their time with the possibility of hurting them due to your using them. Good luck.
Author iris219 Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 If you love being around them, enough to WANT to be with them in a relationship, what are the things stopping you? Do you enjoy being around them, as much as you do with " relationship worthy" dudes? I don’t know or meet “relationship worthy” men. That’s the problem! My ultimate goal is to find a long term relationship that leads to marriage, but I don’t meet men who are suitable for this at all. Never use someone for a placeholder. Sure, things can change, so don't make a complete assessment with little information. But once you are at 100% no, then move on. Otherwise you are wasting your and their time with the possibility of hurting them due to your using them. Good luck. I wouldn’t be using them. They don’t necessarily want a relationship because they know they are too selfish to maintain one. I wasn’t suggesting that I planned to lead on a nice, devoted guy who would fall in love with me.
ohmygoshistalk Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 they go into the Zone.. some people arent meant for relationships.
Author iris219 Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 I’ve always done the “right” thing when it comes to dating. I’ve always been the good girl. I’ve never had ONS or FWB. I don’t keep orbiters around for attention. I won’t have sex outside of a committed relationship. I go long periods of time where I am entirely single, even though some on LS don't believe women do this. I’m very focused on my goal of meeting someone suitable for marriage, yet it hasn’t paid off. I was thinking of trying something different since what I’m doing isn’t working. I feel frustrated that I’ve always been the nice girl with strong morals who treats men well, and I thought staying true to these moral would be beneficial, in that good things would come to me, but this hasn’t been the case. 2
d'Arthez Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I feel frustrated that I’ve always been the nice girl with strong morals who treats men well, and I thought staying true to these moral would be beneficial, in that good things would come to me, but this hasn’t been the case. Yet. It will come.
El Brujo Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 If someone isn't relationship material, stop wasting your time with them. Concentrate on yourself, do the things you enjoy, become the awesome person they wish they could meet. Then be a jerk and snub everyone. Basically, your success is the best revenge. 1
boytoy Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I'm assuming you are asking this based on a particular guy in your life, or some guys in the past. Out of curiosity, why made this person/persons not relationship material in your eyes? And what makes you so sure of your diagnosis? Maybe they are great relationship material; its hard to judge people correctly before really getting to know them for a long period of time.
Pierre Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I am in a relationship now. But, generally I only date women that I consider relationship material. Unless, you are dating for sport.
stillafool Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I’ve always done the “right” thing when it comes to dating. I’ve always been the good girl. I’ve never had ONS or FWB. I don’t keep orbiters around for attention. I won’t have sex outside of a committed relationship. I go long periods of time where I am entirely single, even though some on LS don't believe women do this. I’m very focused on my goal of meeting someone suitable for marriage, yet it hasn’t paid off. I was thinking of trying something different since what I’m doing isn’t working. I feel frustrated that I’ve always been the nice girl with strong morals who treats men well, and I thought staying true to these moral would be beneficial, in that good things would come to me, but this hasn’t been the case. Well don't change your morals. Are there places where people who were raised as you were and have like minds hang out? Maybe you can meet someone there. I don't know your culture but this is what most people do. How old are you?
carhill Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Being relationship-marriage centric, I wouldn't 'stick around and have fun' if by 'fun' you mean casual sex, but I would consider friendship if the person could be a healthy non-intimate friend. Further, I wouldn't pass judgment that they 'aren't relationship material', rather that they are currently incompatible with myself. People are forever changing and growing and finding synergy with like-positioned people. As a friend I would support them in those pursuits.
snug.bunny Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Would you move on or stick around and have fun for awhile? Depends. If it were someone I had no emotional attachment too, I'd stick around for a bit. If it were the opposite, I'd call it off.
stillafool Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Iris from reading your past posts it seems you are attracted to bad boys. This is the problem. Start picking guys who have more going for them rather than losers who have tons of girls chasing them.
CarboniteCammy Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I'm also very relationship minded, and I also don't mess around with people that I only see as short term. With that being said, I don't see anything wrong with getting to know someone very well before I make the determination that they're just friends and nothing more. I guess I'm wondering is how stringent are your qualifications? I have four things that I really look for in someone that I'm not willing at all to compromise on and pretty much anything else is gravy.
KathyM Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I would move on. Otherwise, you are just delaying the inevitable break up, and it becomes much more difficult to break up later on after feelings have developed. Or worse yet, people get so emotionally attached to someone who is not relationship material that they end up marrying the person, and then find themselves divorced when the dealbreaker that should have ended the relationship in the early stages, becomes too much for them to handle. IMO, you're just wasting your time by trying to have a relationship with someone who is not relationship material, and you're setting yourself and the other person up for heartbreak when you do end it. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I’ve always done the “right” thing when it comes to dating. I’ve always been the good girl. I’ve never had ONS or FWB. I don’t keep orbiters around for attention. I won’t have sex outside of a committed relationship. I go long periods of time where I am entirely single, even though some on LS don't believe women do this. I’m very focused on my goal of meeting someone suitable for marriage, yet it hasn’t paid off. I was thinking of trying something different since what I’m doing isn’t working. I feel frustrated that I’ve always been the nice girl with strong morals who treats men well, and I thought staying true to these moral would be beneficial, in that good things would come to me, but this hasn’t been the case. I felt exactly the same way for quite some time. Then, about 2 years ago, I decided to try something different. First, I dated a guy who was a maybe for something long-term. I was lukewarm about him, but he was crazy about me, so I thought I'd give it a shot, in the interest of some companionship, fun, and maybe something more. Well, he was heating up much faster than I was, inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner to meet his family, and trying to plan a big vacation for us. I knew I wasn't to that point yet, and wasn't sure if I would get there. I eventually decided it wasn't going anywhere, and told him so. He basically talked me into trying something like FWB with him, and after some deliberation, I decided to give it a shot. But his feelings stayed the same or just got stronger. He obviously couldn't handle it. So I ended everything, and then he sent me this very bitchy letter. (Incidentally, I'm pretty sure this guy saw my browsing history on my computer and started posting on LoveShack - and possibly still does.) Next, I met this very sexy guy who wanted to date me, but due to underemployment was not a real prospect for me. I asked him if he wanted to try a FWB relationship and see how it went. At first, he said no, he wanted a lot more than that with me. But then he came around, and we tried it. Within a few months of hanging out, going on the occasional fun date (dutch, always, at my insistence), and having some great sex, he starts telling me he's falling in love with me - and this is right around the time his anger management issues begin to show. Some back and forth, and then he starts getting stalkery and crazy, so I eventually had to send a letter to his family about the matter. He backed off, but I got an e-mail from him last week telling me he got a great job, it's spring, and he wants another chance. No way in hell. Recently, I met another sexy guy - a bouncer - who did not seem to be a real prospect, either, due to underemployment, but was so fun and intriguing I just had to go out with him. We've been out a few times and had some pretty great sex. The problem, though, is that I really like this guy, and he feels the same way. It's not just sexy - it's also very romantic, dreamy, and sweet. He's been calling me pretty much every night. But last night, I told him I think we have to end this, because I'm looking for my husband and the father of my children, and he's just not in a position to be that guy. I'm meeting better prospects now (stable, good jobs, also looking for marriage material), and I can't be seeing this hottie while I'm doing this. I need to date one man at a time and let the chemistry and anticipation for more build up naturally. Having this stud in the background is distracting. I like him too much. So I told him he can give me a call if his job situation and all improve. I joked with him that he needs to hurry up and come be my hero, because it could be damn sweet - and he agreed. He asked if he can see me one more time before the break/end, and I think I'm going to say yes to that. We have no hard feelings at all - just different circumstances. I started crying on the phone, and he said "I'm really going to miss you" about 10 times. That was reverberating in my mind all night long, and when I woke up today. Personally, though it hasn't been perfect, I'm not sorry I've had these experiences. Throughout it all, I've been completely honest with the men involved about my intentions, and I've been considerate with everyone's feelings. In spite of the trouble spots, I'm thankful to these men for helping me feel sexy, fun, and excited about romance again. The last guy in particular I know I will always remember and feel fondly toward. Though he isn't the best on paper, he has freely given what he has to give. I think I'll still remember him and grin about the fun times we had when I'm an old lady. At the end of our lives, that's really all we have.
Author iris219 Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 Being relationship-marriage centric, I wouldn't 'stick around and have fun' if by 'fun' you mean casual sex, but I would consider friendship if the person could be a healthy non-intimate friend. Further, I wouldn't pass judgment that they 'aren't relationship material', rather that they are currently incompatible with myself. People are forever changing and growing and finding synergy with like-positioned people. As a friend I would support them in those pursuits. By fun I mean going to the the beach or pool, walking dogs, watching movies, going to hear bands play. Sure, I could do this with friends, but it's nice to have a man around. No, there wouldn't be causal sex, but there probably would be a make out session every now and then. Iris from reading your past posts it seems you are attracted to bad boys. This is the problem. Start picking guys who have more going for them rather than losers who have tons of girls chasing them. I disagree. I don't pick bad boys and I don't consider the guys I've dated bad boys anyway. "Loser" would be a better description for the last guy I dated because he was very nice, but he couldn't get his life or himself in order. I take what's out there. I don't reject guys who would make great BFs. I would love to meet a man who was relationship material. And for those who asked, trust me--the last guy I dated is NOT relationship material for MANY reasons, nor will he ever be (unless he completely changed his life and himself)!
Author iris219 Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 Personally, though it hasn't been perfect, I'm not sorry I've had these experiences. Throughout it all, I've been completely honest with the men involved about my intentions, and I've been considerate with everyone's feelings. In spite of the trouble spots, I'm thankful to these men for helping me feel sexy, fun, and excited about romance again. The last guy in particular I know I will always remember and feel fondly toward. Though he isn't the best on paper, he has freely given what he has to give. I think I'll still remember him and grin about the fun times we had when I'm an old lady. At the end of our lives, that's really all we have. Thanks for the advice, Ruby. I keep wondering if I am passing up important connections with others and the opportunity to create memories because I am so focused on finding someone suitable for marriage. A big concern is that I'll constantly see potential and I'll keep wishing the person could change, and because of that I'll be resentful and not able to enjoy our time together.
oaks Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Would you move on or stick around and have fun for awhile? It depends on why they (or I) aren't "relationship material", whether we've discussed that there isn't a long-term future in 'us' and, to be blunt, how good the sex is. I don't have a problem sticking around for fun as long as nobody is misleading anybody (eg if one party still thought there was scope for a long-term future but the other was just sticking around for fun without making that clear then that's not fair). It's possible to have a (mutually agreed) short term relationship - eg a summer fling.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Thanks for the advice, Ruby. I keep wondering if I am passing up important connections with others and the opportunity to create memories because I am so focused on finding someone suitable for marriage. A big concern is that I'll constantly see potential and I'll keep wishing the person could change, and because of that I'll be resentful and not able to enjoy our time together. Yeah, I felt all that, too. Eventually, I just got too lonely and despondent not to have SOME kind of fun with a man again. And once I started, man, I cannot even tell you how it lit my fire. Once I started having even light fun with a man again, my "light" came on, and suddenly, many more people were magnetized to me. And I totally relate to your second point. I think my biggest problem is that I've always dated men with potential, then become frustrated when they take too long to reach it. I've figured out by now that you need to be able to accept the guy as he is now. And for something light, I can accept many more flaws than I can if I'm looking for a life-long partner. When I'm not looking for a husband, many more men seem magnetic and appealing. Part of me is tempted to get to know more of them, because there really is something very fun about JUST having a good time with a guy, without all the pressure of trying to figure out if he'll be a good long-term partner, father, and so on. I thought I would just "hang out", too, but I'm at my sexual peak and enjoy sex way too much for that. Plus, if you are holding back on that, let me warn you that most men will see it as a fun challenge and try all kinds of things to get you to crack. This is all part of the fun, of course.
Author iris219 Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 Yeah, I felt all that, too. Eventually, I just got too lonely and despondent not to have SOME kind of fun with a man again. And once I started, man, I cannot even tell you how it lit my fire. Once I started having even light fun with a man again, my "light" came on, and suddenly, many more people were magnetized to me. And I totally relate to your second point. I think my biggest problem is that I've always dated men with potential, then become frustrated when they take too long to reach it. I've figured out by now that you need to be able to accept the guy as he is now. And for something light, I can accept many more flaws than I can if I'm looking for a life-long partner. When I'm not looking for a husband, many more men seem magnetic and appealing. Part of me is tempted to get to know more of them, because there really is something very fun about JUST having a good time with a guy, without all the pressure of trying to figure out if he'll be a good long-term partner, father, and so on. I thought I would just "hang out", too, but I'm at my sexual peak and enjoy sex way too much for that. Plus, if you are holding back on that, let me warn you that most men will see it as a fun challenge and try all kinds of things to get you to crack. This is all part of the fun, of course. Dating someone based on the potential I saw in them is something I've done too many times in the past as well. Because of that, I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with anyone based on potential. They either have everything I want (and I'm not asking for much) or I'm out. However, since I'm not meeting any men who are LTR material, I'm conflicted. On one hand, I think dating casually could energize me and put me in a positive and less urgent state of mind for when the right one comes along. But, on the other hand, when someone wants to date me, but wants me to accept them for the loser that they are, it makes me feel like I’m not worth being a better person for. That’s what I’m most concerned about—that hanging out with men who aren’t LTR material will negatively affect my self esteem. I worry that I’ll constantly be reminded that this guy is the best I can do (right now). And if he's the best I can EVER do, well then, that’s just depressing.
stillafool Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I take what's out there. I don't reject guys who would make great BFs. I would love to meet a man who was relationship material. Oh no Iris don't do that. You will waste time and not be available for those you really like. 1
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