Well Weird

[Maia2407]

Hi Everyone

 

I am new here and have never asked for advice online before but here goes.

 

Last august i met a man online. We met in person a month or two later and have been together ever since. So around 7 months in all. In many ways we get on great but there are a few red flags that have 'surfaced' lately - which are the reason I am now posting here.

 

At first he was very nice to me, always giving me compliments etc but now he has taken to putting me down on occasion. Telling me I am stupid if I get something wrong, or saying 'don't wear that, it makes you look fat' or 'I am so much better looking than you will ever be' etc etc. Now of course I do not just let this go - I always retaliate in some way but why say something like that in the first place? Is he insecure??

 

Another thing - i have moved recently and he was quite excited about this. He was calling it 'our home together' etc. The first weekend I moved in I swear I barely got through the door and he turned up mega early with a load of stuff he wanted to 'leave'. Now, he can't stay during the week due to work so only comes on weekends - but he has more stuff there than i do!! Plus - he comes EVERY weekend, regardless of my plans etc and eats me out of house and home without making any contribution to the bills etc or food costs and then swans off on sunday night leaving his dirty washing - GRRRR!!!! Complete pee take in my opinion - just needed a rant on that one

 

This bit has me a little more concerned - He likes to 'hurt' me under the pretence that he is 'play fighting'. I have spoken to him about this on several occasions but he has not stopped doing it. Sometimes he bites me but sooo hard he leaves a huge bruise. He does stuff like bite my finger till I think he is going to crush it and then says 'I will let go when you tell me how great I am' Thing is - no matter how much it hurts, I will never tell him how great he is lol!! I mean - bork!! Anyway - he has punched me in the legs and arms and left bruises and seems to find it amusing. And then when I mention it he says I was must have been 'cheeky' or I am being too sensitive.

 

I have dogs and a guinea pig - I have two girl dogs and a boy. He loves the girl dogs but is not soo keen on the boy. He calls him a skinny rat and gets annoyed at me when i give the boy dog some fuss. I don't understand this at all - he is the sweetest most well behaved dog out of all of them. So you either like dogs or you don't? Also I caught him chasing my guinea pig round his hutch squirting him with a water bottle - just plain cruel in my opinion.

 

Now - I am not a loon - this guy is DEF going lol. But what do you think? Is he mental? The only thing is - I am a little bit worried about breaking this off as I am worried that he is a bit unstable - he seems obsessed with coming up on weekends etc as he doesn't seem to have much else going on in his life.

 

Any thoughts will help - thanks :0)

[d'Arthez]

Definitely unstable. Sounds like a mooch with some abusive tendencies (and abusive behavior towards animals - who cannot speak up for themselves means there is a decent chance he will be increasingly abusive in personal relationships as well).

Not really sure if he is mega-unstable, though he obviously tries to keep you under his control, with little to no regard to the consequences for you, or how his actions make him feel. Breaking things off may send him into an abusive rage.

 

You are better safe than sorry.

Invite a guy friend (preferably more than 1) over for the usual time he visits and tell him that it is over, give your reasons, and tell him that he should get some help to sort out the abusive tendencies in his behaviour in particular. These guys can help you avoid things getting out of control, and they can also help to move his stuff out to his car (if you are alone, complications are extremely likely to arise; he might claim you forgot something).

 

Afterwards don't forget to thank your guy friends for helping out. Depending on how well he takes it, and your living conditions it may be an idea to notify some of the neighbours as well with regards to this.

[NeverDated]

Yes, he's unstable. He's not a loon, he's excessively abusive - probably a violent sociopath. You should be worried about breaking it off, because I can pretty much guarantee he will try to charm you out of doing so.

 

Right now he's testing and wearing down your boundaries. The "play fighting" will become normal eventually, if you stick around. Then he'll slowly drop the pretense of play. When you complain, he'll temporarily fall back to it being a joke. Between these "jokes" he will be the kindest, gentlest, most wonderful man. This whole process will normalize you to the behavior, and one day he'll be beating the living crap out of you for no reason whatsoever, and you'll pass it off as a joke that went further than usual.

 

I know you said you're going to break it off. Just keep the above in your mind when you do it, because he will pull out every trick in the book to keep you. Tell everyone you are close to what he has been doing. Psychos like this rely on you isolating yourself out of fear and shame. There is no good way to break it off - having your guy friends there will make it easier, but it will also delay the attempt at the charm. He may convince himself that you aren't being "serious" or these guys are pressuring you (because they want you), so he'll find a way to get you alone. At some point, and possibly more than once, you're going to have to go toe-to-toe with him alone.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is just an abusive and controlling man, who needs to feel dominate over you in order to feel in power.

 

He's testing your limits...essentially seeing what he can get away with, how far he can push and what you'll tolerate...the more you do, the more he'll lose respect for you and belittle you..because If you had any self-respect you would have stopped it from the get-go.

 

So the more you let him control you and do this to you, in effect he feels like you his property and someone to serve him to make him happy, you're just a pawn and you validate that by just standing there like a punching bag taking...sure you might bark like a yappy dog but you're still there at the end of the day so that means you'll take it, which is why he keeps doing it.

 

Ultimately he would just get worse on you, push farther and farther and condition into being so weak and vulnerable to him that you'd just about deal with anything.

 

I'm honestly not sure why you do put up with this, who told you in your life that it's ok to be treated like this by a man? Is this what you're worth and feel you deserve out of a relationship? If not don't be a dummy and stick around letting this kind of a guy work you down by picking on your insecurities and making you feel worthless.

 

And of course every guy is nice/complimentary generally in the beginning...why are people so moved by this? do women just think that this is the person and that's the real man? do they not realize It's for a lot of guys an act until you catch some emotions then they can start being themselves while you stick in the past remembering the good times?

 

Hopefully you've learned from this situation how the process works..

 

- man is nice in beginning (ooo everybody let's get excited!), sweet talker/charming everything seems rosie while he's pulling you in with all the sweet lovin

- you think that's enough to make serious assessments off of about who he is and character but you don't know anything about who he really is

- slowly the dynamic changes and man tests water, seeing what you're made of...you get confused by this wasn't the act from the beginning but this is who he really is starting to come out

- begins the conditioning process of abuse If he has these issues...you become bewildered not knowing how to handle the situation

- molds you into his ideal and expectations and/or starts takes advantage of you

 

Get it?... got it?... good!

 

Use your head, when you know something isn't right...don't tolerate it, don't allow it...If the other person doesn't want to respect your emotions/thoughts then this is the kind of person that isn't going to look out for your best interest just his.

 

Otherwise you're just another woman enabling his behavior and he continues to think its ok because they're always someone who will put up with him because they "love him!" ::swoooon!::

 

So yes, glad to see that you're noticing the flags and getting out however be prepared for some passive aggressive, possibly violent, irate, tantrums, turning the situation back on you as your fault behavior. Abusive people need to control and repress you, and manipulate you into thinking you are overreacting or just absurd...he will likely do everything he can, includes the famous empty promises men make when woman wants to leave...but that's a test, and If you stay he'll respect you even less! funny how it works isn't it?

[Pierre]

OP

 

Dump him and run as fast as you can. Your BF is a psychopath!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dasein]

Welcome to the forum. Not a good bet for happiness for you in the long or short run. This guy will end up making you miserable. Move on to better options.

[Emilia]

You have put up with this OP for far too long. Where is your self respect?