Unbreaking Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 (edited) I am feeling really helpless with my emotions and alone. Obviously that is why I joined this forum, looking for support and idea's to help hopefully from people with similar experiences. Almost three years ago I went through a horrible break up. My first and only broken heart and it felt like the world was ending. Over the past few years it was got better but not nearly as fast as anyone had told me it would. For at least a year I would cry over him most days, everything reminded me of him. Even know I think about him several times a day, any time I hear about him or from him my heart stops. I don't want to be with him anymore of course but it's like he is programmed into me. I am losing hope I can ever let go of him completely and love someone else as much as I loved him. Being so in love with him didn't mean we were good together or even happy most of the time. A lot of this has to do with me building my complete identity of how who I was and how life was supposed to go around him. When we met I was 18 and pretty lost, he was 26 and seemed like a super nice guy with everything together. I wasn't even attracted to him and I know almost feel like the whole of our relationship he (perhaps not intentionally) manipulated me. In a whirlwind I was attracted to him, started spending all of our time together, fell in love, moved countries together (3 times), always talked about getting married and how our life was going to be. That became who I was. I was so invested in him. Then during our last international move he went home to the US (staying with his mother who never really approved me). I was still in Australia packing up our life there and finishing school. Then I was supposed to move to the US and marry him. We were having a rough time being apart and stressed about finances and moving. I thought that we were both committed to the relationship and would not give up on each other until after only 6 weeks he sends me an EMAIL. Yes, I know, an email. Saying very diplomatically that it's best for me to stay in Australia and finish school and him to move on with his career over here and that's that good bye. How does anyone even think like that? I did something that some people may consider me crazy for. I came to the US, not even with any intention of fixing things or being together. Just because I couldn't live things like that and just never see him again. The end did not match the relationship and I knew that I could not live with that when my whole world had been based on our life together. Quite soon after I arrived (2 weeks actually, so about 4 months after the break up) I started dating someone. A sweet, caring, funny man closer to my age who everyone loves. I moved on with him too fast probably because it was just too painful to be alone even though I was far from being over my ex. I stayed here and got a job and continued dating the great guy. I saw the ex once, we had dinner and talked on the phone a few times for a few months after. I am not someone who falls in love fast or easily at all. I doubt and analyze but once I do I suppose I am not someone who falls out of love easily either He moved on rather fast too. With some girl who he had gone to college with and reconnected with, from a "nice family", same age as him, his mother approved of. He got engaged pretty fast. Moved in together. Got married last year. All these milestones hit me through the heart and threw me into a mini depression each time, despite having my own blossoming relationship. I also got married last year (a quick justice of the peace office thing, partially for immigration purposes) - probably before I was really ready to but I got caught up in my dream life planned and how great this guy is but now it hardly seems fair to have committed then when inside I am still so torn up. We have been married a year now, live together, got a dog, are planning a bigger "wedding" for later this year. Everything runs pretty smoothly and but I feel that he loves me more than I love him, that I still think about my ex way too often, that I don't quite have my whole heart to give him and that it's not fair and holds us back from being truly "crazy" in love. I feel like I might never love him the way that I loved my ex despite how great of a husband is and how he treats me. I know he is insecure and worries that I feel this way too/ My ex and I are out of contact. Last time I heard from him he congratulated me on my engagement over a year ago but tonight he popped up on a chat window asking how I was. Telling me that his life/job/new wife are all great and that they are expecting a baby. I don't think he could even consider that I would still be hurting when it is so far in the past for him he left me in tears, unable to sleep and posting on relationship forum at almost 4 am. I just want to move on and love my husband as much as humanly possible. I would like to stop always thinking of my ex and wondering how this happened and how he just switched like he did. I would like to somehow be in each others lives as friends but without all the emotion I have. If he can be so completely over it why is my heart still tangled up on him. Does anyone have suggestions for truly letting go and moving on? Edited May 15, 2012 by Unbreaking
january2011 Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Individual counselling with a view to marriage counselling, if required. First loves can be difficult to get over. I think that you know it was a bad idea to rush into marriage knowing how much you were still holding onto your past, but it's done now and you need a plan for moving forward, hopefully with your husband by your side. I think it goes without saying that you need to maintain NC with your ex. 1
Phanpooh Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 i think she almost ve done NC and this time she need to face with it, keep doing to find What you want, really want then tell yourself what you just need Let me tell you a story My parent broke up when i was born before my mom and dad left me alone, my dad come back 3 times but thing never worked. after 10y alone, i came to my mom and my dad just give me a box with tons of letters he wrote for her but didnt send he married 3 times and i cant count how many brothers i had but at the he truly love my mother and he living with regret my mom, married a husband and fully committed, great family. but i know indeed herself, there is a place for my dad, she keep reading his love letter sometime so a lesson i want to tell you: if you keep regret what wrong in past, you couldnt see what right is now, everyone has something to see, and im sure you hav feeling with your hus, so focus yourself on him, but your little selfish out of table and respect him, also your EX you live your own life for yourself and just need him for it, that nice to hav him around as an old friend, am i right? you lost a boyfriend, you lost a past bad relationship, and you still paying for it, i dont know what you think but trust me, however worse or better is now, you still hav something and we dun know what will happen, so enjoy your present, madam! Like my ex say at her birthday without me, sometime, a hug is just enough...
Almond_Joy Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Maybe there's something that goes around, or the planets align so that alot of people switch to a particular mindset or something. I came to this forum to post about this very thing right now. I don't think about my ex every day....now it's more like every couple of months. But when I do I miss so badly how I felt with him. I worry I'll never love like that again, even though I know I wasn't at my best when I was with him, and that we shouldn't be together. It's baffling and comforting to see that someone else is having the same experience. I feel bad saying I'm comforted, though, because I know firsthand it's not a good position to be in. You do feel like you're betraying the person you're with, that you're not giving them all of your love in a way. I've been battling for half the day with the urge to check his facebook. His life should not be my concern, and seeing it's not going to change anything or make me feel any better. It's just so hard ot let go of such a unique experience. Usually what helps me get over the feeling is talking it out, remembering that I'm missing how I felt with that person, not my actual ex. I think January's suggestion of counseling is very good too. I'm thinking of calling my therapist for an appointment if I can't get over this urge to check up on my ex in the next few days. I didn't really offer any advice - sorry, i have none. Just wanted you to know you're not alone in having these feelings and these thoughts. Many people have trouble letting go of the past, and it doesn't make your love for another perosn less significant or menaingful as a result. I'd still be in alot more pain if my ex could pop up and contact me out of the blue though. That sporadic contact when you know you're still hurt doesn't help.
Almond_Joy Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 One more thing.... I read once that we start reminescing over our past when we're lacking something in the present. It doesn't mean you go grabbing for what's gone or wishing for the past to be different, but that you work with what you have in your life right now to work out what you're lacking. I think that rings very true for me, and maybe that perspective will help you too.
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