When He Just Stops Talking

[lostandconfuzzled]

Every time I just stopped talking to someone is because I felt they didn't care. I actually learned this from a woman who took days to respond to my emails. After a while of this I learned to do the same thing to the point of eventually not replying at all. If I am not worth the effort of a timely response, then neither are you.

 

I once dated someone similar to the op. Hard ass with their emotions. Would never express them. Only said they cared on the verge of me breaking it off.

 

Finally I had enough and went NC. She made a couple half-assed attempts at contact but like the OP was probably too proud to chase. To me this all pointed to a person that didn't give a s*#t so I never again contacted her.

 

I don't know if she really didn't care or whether my NC hurt her, but if you want to be a hard ass with your emotions and be so proud as to not try to work things out, then I don't want you in my life.

 

Also dated another woman that I thought might be "the one". She seemed into me but didn't put the effort into initiating contact (probably another too proud to chase). After a while I decided I didn't want to get hurt if she didn't care so I disappeared from her life too. Never heard from her. Maybe she didn't care and maybe she was too proud to show it or chase. Either way, not someone I want in my life.

 

Thank you for your honesty & you hit on quite a few points that are very good ones! The way I see it is that I have cared too long about this guy to just let him go so easily. For some people, it may have seemed petty or egotistical that I was upset just because we hadn't spoken in a few days. So not the case! I am EXTREMELY perceptive. It is both a blessing & a curse. In this instance, our main form of communication is the phone & when all of a sudden all communication dropped, I knew something was wrong BUT I did not want to be one of those clingy chics that annoy the crap out of me so I can just imagine what that does to you guys lol. I didn't want to go all high school on him or turn into a crazy stalker. We deal with those kind of people all the time & I know what kind of reaction that would elicit. I did want him to know that I noticed the change & if I didn't care, I wouldn't care to ask wth because to me, he is a unique person & is so different for all the other guys I have ever dated & yet at the same time, he is still a dude, ergo my confusion lol...

He normally initiates the conversations as well. Not that I am docile by any means but I like the fact that he is a take charge kind of guy & him contacting me means that he is still interested. May sound silly, but that's just the way it is. I have NEVER chased after anyone nor do I ever intend to. I want to be worthy of the chase & I want someone to chase after me. Not because it's some sort of game but because that person truly wants to be a part of my life & wants to be with me. Pretty simple I think!

Thank you soooo much for sharing that!!

Edited May 20, 2012 by lostandconfuzzled

[lostandconfuzzled]

Lost, i truly think that something really bad or negative has happened to your love interest while he was uncontactable. Give him a chance to explain.

 

I agree & he has been calling just like he used to. From the sounds of it, his world at work has been chaotic & he got injured the other night so that didn't help either. He has apologized twice & I accepted the apologies but did stress that I understood what was going on now that it had been explained but I had one request & it was that if he felt an "episode" coming on to just shoot me a text saying that "I'm still here, just need some reflection time" & that I would be satisfied with that. I also told him that my feelings were on the line here too & that they mattered just as much as his so to respect that & we would always be fine. I sure hope that will be the case & that I am not back on here next week bitching about being single again lol

[Friggia]

I just joined this site because I have a similar problem with a nice man who disappears at times. Sigh............ Like you, I just need basic communication from time to time, is that so much to ask? So obviously you didn't text him "YOU JERK" that night, so what was it that you texted him while you slept? I'd really like to know because I admire the way you handled it.

[lostandconfuzzled]

I just joined this site because I have a similar problem with a nice man who disappears at times. Sigh............ Like you, I just need basic communication from time to time, is that so much to ask? So obviously you didn't text him "YOU JERK" that night, so what was it that you texted him while you slept? I'd really like to know because I admire the way you handled it.

 

& I quote;

 

"So, is there something in particular that was done on my part to warrant the silent treatment? I would think that if you were done that you would at least have enough respect for me to tell me, not ignore me...an explanation would be nice"

 

Not Robert Frost but it seemed to do the trick. Especially for a woman that didn't even remember sending the dang thing lol

[Sid6.7]

& I quote;

 

 

 

Not Robert Frost but it seemed to do the trick. Especially for a woman that didn't even remember sending the dang thing lol

 

Those drunk texts are a bitch, aren't they? haha

 

Just wanted to say I dated a girl a few years ago in your profession. Not traffic, but narcotics. I must say that you guys are some of the most difficult women to date for a variety of reasons. You know what I'm talking about.

 

We were actually working on a relationship and I was kind of let into the other 'family'. I met some great people and new friends.

 

Turns out she did almost the same thing the person you speak of did. Only I didn't pursue it. I just turned away and left things as is. Never heard from her again or the new friends I made. Such is life eh?

 

Good luck.

[RedRobin]

Also dated another woman that I thought might be "the one". She seemed into me but didn't put the effort into initiating contact (probably another too proud to chase). After a while I decided I didn't want to get hurt if she didn't care so I disappeared from her life too. Never heard from her. Maybe she didn't care and maybe she was too proud to show it or chase. Either way, not someone I want in my life.

 

Could you explain what you mean by too proud to chase? There are loads of dating advice that tells women NOT to chase men. That men find it a turn-off... and that doing so leaves the impression that the woman is desperate or clingy.

 

I realize that alot of this comes down to mutual compatibility. However, would it have been too difficult for you to ask her to initiate sometimes? Or to let her know how special you feel or would feel if she initiated?

 

I agree though, there would need to be a healthy back and forth for both people to feel wanted.

[Friggia]

& I quote;

 

"So, is there something in particular that was done on my part to warrant the silent treatment? I would think that if you were done that you would at least have enough respect for me to tell me, not ignore me...an explanation would be nice"

 

Not Robert Frost but it seemed to do the trick. Especially for a woman that didn't even remember sending the dang thing lol

 

 

Niiiiice. The first time this happened with me it took only four days of total silence for the pot to boil over in my mind, and I said "Jesus Christ, never pegged you for the type." Ouch, right? An hour later I got a text with a defensive tone back from him, it said "Oh stop. You don't know what's been going on this week." But still even though it was kind of mean I felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted and I at least knew what the hell was going on, and I knew enough to not reply or want to push the issue anymore. First thing in the morning I got an apology from him for that text he sent me. I apologized too and we had a short conversation about how the lack of communication made me feel, the nature of stress with his work and he seemed to understand and I was happy with how we bounced back.

 

Three weeks later, he's doing it AGAIN, and it's going on five days. I'm going to relax, focus on work and try to remember that people have gone LONGER and everything turned out okay . If it continues I will have to plagiarize your message because I liked it.

[Friggia]

Without context for that I sound kind of like a brat...ummmmmm I was upset because he fell off the map after me putting my feelings on the line and expressing that I really missed him. So yeah, felt kind of vulnerable.

[lostandconfuzzled]

Those drunk texts are a bitch, aren't they? haha

 

Just wanted to say I dated a girl a few years ago in your profession. Not traffic, but narcotics. I must say that you guys are some of the most difficult women to date for a variety of reasons. You know what I'm talking about.

 

We were actually working on a relationship and I was kind of let into the other 'family'. I met some great people and new friends.

 

Turns out she did almost the same thing the person you speak of did. Only I didn't pursue it. I just turned away and left things as is. Never heard from her again or the new friends I made. Such is life eh?

 

Good luck.

 

Psh, I was sober dude! That's the sad part lol!

 

I honestly don't know if my profession is a part of the problem with all of this yet. It could be a HUGE factor in the equation tho. We live extremely stressful lives & when you have to see the people you have arrested (or their families) on a daily basis, it's hard to find some enjoyment outside the uniform. Our homes are pretty much transformed into "dungeons" because we feel trapped inside them. Guess that's why he & I get along so well because we both understand. I do know that this is not just a problem with men on the ignoring part. Either way, it's bloody annoying & incredibly RUDE! I guess, for some of us, we need that closure. Good or bad so we can move on. For the rest, they don't. They can just walk away & not give it a second thought. I personally need the closure part & I want to know that it's not something that I have done wrong on my end so that I will not make the same mistakes twice. Don't know if that all makes sense BUT it's the best way I know how to word that lol

[lostandconfuzzled]

Niiiiice. The first time this happened with me it took only four days of total silence for the pot to boil over in my mind, and I said "Jesus Christ, never pegged you for the type." Ouch, right? An hour later I got a text with a defensive tone back from him, it said "Oh stop. You don't know what's been going on this week." But still even though it was kind of mean I felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted and I at least knew what the hell was going on, and I knew enough to not reply or want to push the issue anymore. First thing in the morning I got an apology from him for that text he sent me. I apologized too and we had a short conversation about how the lack of communication made me feel, the nature of stress with his work and he seemed to understand and I was happy with how we bounced back.

 

Three weeks later, he's doing it AGAIN, and it's going on five days. I'm going to relax, focus on work and try to remember that people have gone LONGER and everything turned out okay . If it continues I will have to plagiarize your message because I liked it.

 

Hey girl, I never pegged myself to be the type either but there I was lmao!!

 

We talked yesterday & he reminded me that this wasn't the first time it had happened & he had to walk me down memory lane. It was a couple of months ago that he had another episode but I was out of town for the week for training & I was so damn busy that I honestly did not notice that the same damn thing had happened. I have this cool app on my phone that backs up all text messages so while he was talking I pulled up my gmail & looked back at the dates he was talking about & BOOM, there it was. Me randomly texting him & he never responded back. I guess because I was so busy I just never noticed it. Big difference on my reaction when it comes to being that involved with work & when an episode of his hits when I am on my down time that's for sure!

So see, I have been thru it twice as well too. Only I didn't handle it so well the second time around lol. Maybe because my feelings towards him had deepened, idk...all I do know is that communication really is key in alot of areas & with 85% of ours being on the phone I told him that he either needed to be more understanding of my feelings or sthu when I had to remind him that he was being an ass because it's his fault, not mine! Not that blame needs to be laid, just sayin' lol

Good luck & just remember that you are important whether or not anyone else thinks so!!

[lostandconfuzzled]

Without context for that I sound kind of like a brat...ummmmmm I was upset because he fell off the map after me putting my feelings on the line and expressing that I really missed him. So yeah, felt kind of vulnerable.

 

You in no way sounded like a brat!!

You were expressing your feelings & the fact that in your mind he had hurt you by dropping off the radar! I totally get that & the vulnerable part so don't be so hard on yourself! You are only human & had a human reaction. At least that's what I keep telling my Robocop brain lol...if I can stay light-hearted thru all this mess then anyone can

[Friggia]

Day Six....dum dum dum

 

I wish he would just tell me what he is busy with. How can he not think of me once during this time?

 

He's thirteen years older than me. A theatre director. I'm mid-twenties. I hate to think that I'M the one who is more emotionally mature and relationship smart.

 

I'll keep updating because we shall see if our outcomes are similar, and it helps me stay positive. He's really gonna feel like an ass when I meet someone else on this huge film crew I am working on for a month .

[crazylove]

Day Six....dum dum dum

 

I wish he would just tell me what he is busy with. How can he not think of me once during this time?

 

He's thirteen years older than me. A theatre director. I'm mid-twenties. I hate to think that I'M the one who is more emotionally mature and relationship smart.

 

I'll keep updating because we shall see if our outcomes are similar, and it helps me stay positive. He's really gonna feel like an ass when I meet someone else on this huge film crew I am working on for a month .

 

That's it, isn't it!?! The fact that we don't pop into their heads at all, hence no contact. Women I think, tend to text/call/message/contact, when their partner pops into their head. We think it's a nice gesture, and just want to let them know we're thinking about them.

So guys...question...if your gf/bf pops into your head randomly during the day, do you always act on it, and contact them in some little way to let them know you've been thinking about them? Or do you just ignore it, and carry on with your day?

[Friggia]

It's the end of day six and no word. Bad night. Can't sleep because the reality that situations like the outcome of this thread which I am hijacking are rare. Most men don't have PTSD that temporarily retards their brain. For the most part men that don't contact you don't want to contact you, and know full well what they are doing. And the worst part is that I would have never expected him to be like this. He just ruined everything. He said earning my trust was important to him and that he knew full well he hadn't earned it yet. Went on and on about how I was a prize and that I would break a lot of men's hearts, and that he was in fact pursuing me at the same time, and said without my asking that even though he was extremely busy he'd make the time for me. I'm about ready to send an email, but I don't want to do it until I get the confidential advice of a good friend that knows him better than I do. I don't want to do anything hasty like last time. Hopefully now I can maybe try and sleep. And even though I should really be turning my attention away from it, it's hard without answers and without the closure. Guess I will have to lean on friends.

[Friggia]

Just to add, I haven't slept with him. It's not like where the guy just loses interest after you give it up a little too soon and then start expecting things from him.

[Friggia]

He came back.... after three weeks. I told him I just wanted to be friends and work colleagues. Glad about it too. I did say it doesn't mean things will start up again, just not now. I realized how I need to "repair the cracks in the windows" of my own self-esteem and approach to relationships before delving any further. Whew..... safety again

[lostandconfuzzled]

He came back.... after three weeks. I told him I just wanted to be friends and work colleagues. Glad about it too. I did say it doesn't mean things will start up again, just not now. I realized how I need to "repair the cracks in the windows" of my own self-esteem and approach to relationships before delving any further. Whew..... safety again

 

I apologize for not responding sooner. With summer time here my world gets insanely busy, barely time for sleep much less anything else! Just wanted to update on mine that we are still talking but I feel like we are back in the friend zone. I think either he got to close & got scared or he has someone else on the side. Either way I finally got it in my head that I deserve better & that if a man is truly into me that he will move the proverbial heaven & earth to do so. I'm not going to let it eat me up or make me insecure. I refuse to let someone have that kind of control over me & I would rather be alone than be like that!

I appreciate everyone on here that added thier 2 cents in & if I ever need advice I will be back! This copper is on the go, just wanted to stop in update & say thanks y'all