When He Just Stops Talking

May 15, 2012

Hey now, we are trained on tactical trash timing...I am an expert

lol

May 15, 2012

this, is what happens when we give someone who gets PMS a license to carry a firearm... parts of history refer to this as a dictatorship...

May 15, 2012

this, is what happens when we give someone who gets PMS a license to carry a firearm... parts of history refer to this as a dictatorship...

I call it a damn fine decision on my boss's part lol!!

Maybe that's why he disappeared because he knows I am a better shot than he is...insert the S.W.A.T. theme song here

May 15, 2012

I had wondered the exact same thing but the lack of communication is what has got me. That's why I backed off. I am so not the clingy type & will not smother him or try to find a way to get an unwanted reaction BUT again, I feel as if I back off that he will think I don't care enough to pursue. If this is a test, I don't want to fail BUT dang, I suck at tests lol

In my opinion men don't usually give tests like that. Women do which I hate but not usually men. Honestly it could be so many things you probably shouldn't rack your brain trying to figure out what it is and a lot of the times it has nothing to do with you but with that person themselves and where they are at the time or what they are going through.

I disappeared on a nice woman recently who I had a great date with but it has nothing to do with her.

May 15, 2012

I disappeared on a nice woman recently who I had a great date with but it has nothing to do with her.

Yeah, I hate games. Total waste of time. I don't get the purpose in all that testing crap & the thing is, I can't see him doing that either, which is another reason why I go wth...if he had done it before or if we didn't talk all the time I would probably not be second guessing everything so much. I hope he truly has no clue what is going on. That he doesn't realize stepping away is tearing me up. If it's not intentional then it's forgivable BUT God help him if I ever find out that this was on purpose because it's cruel!

Why did you pull the disappearing act? You said it had nothing to do with her, so what was it?

May 15, 2012

Never had I in life (42 years now) dealt with someone who would just refuse to talk, until my most recent ex. Only thing with her was, it wasn't after a week or so, it was after we had been together for a year, and I had fallen for her and her 3 boys in a big way. "The Silent Treatment" as they call it, is the most immature and painful act that can be committed to you after a long term, what should have been meaningful relationship. This woman knew exactly what she was doing, she also didn't allow for her children to speak with me after the breakup, even though I was the closest thing to a father they ever had. When I tried to communicate a couple times by letter, I got a response from her that said this is harassment stop contacting me.

My advice..... RUN! There is no excuse for this barring he was in the hospital, etc. Be glad he showed it now, and be thankful you aren't a person who is over a year post breakup and about 90% still as torn up as the day it happened, like someone I know:(

May 15, 2012

Never had I in life (42 years now) dealt with someone who would just refuse to talk, until my most recent ex. Only thing with her was, it wasn't after a week or so, it was after we had been together for a year, and I had fallen for her and her 3 boys in a big way. "The Silent Treatment" as they call it, is the most immature and painful act that can be committed to you after a long term, what should have been meaningful relationship. This woman knew exactly what she was doing, she also didn't allow for her children to speak with me after the breakup, even though I was the closest thing to a father they ever had. When I tried to communicate a couple times by letter, I got a response from her that said this is harassment stop contacting me.

My advice..... RUN! There is no excuse for this barring he was in the hospital, etc. Be glad he showed it now, and be thankful you aren't a person who is over a year post breakup and about 90% still as torn up as the day it happened, like someone I know:(

FINALLY! Someone who gets what I have been talking about! I am sorry that you had to go thru that tho. You are correct, it is most immature & very cruel! I don't understand the meaning behind it! I am 41 & would never even think to be so damn heartless! That's how I ended up on this site was because no one could supply me with even a glimmer of wth was going on. As for the harassment part, that was a chicken**** response back. I don't want to push trying to talk to him because I am afraid of just that kind of response & I don't deserve that either. We know too many of the same people & it will get back to him that I will have eventually have moved on but it's not going to be easy. For the first time in over a decade (since my divorce) I had put myself back out there & let him in because I trusted him. Big damn mistake! I will try to adopt the thinking that you just stated in regards to finding out now instead of if I had allowed him to forge a relationship with my children or my family. That is one thing I am grateful for is the fact that it hadn't gone that far because I wouldn't be able to take that pitiful "you poor thing" look in their eyes. He is a jerk & I hope I am around when KARMA shows up to bit him in the ass for this one!

Thank you for your input, it was honest & most appreciated

May 15, 2012

Ohhhh I get it. Feel free to go back and read some of the threads I started. I also relate to the difficulty in finding someone who can understand my situation. In fact the few posts I made in here, most went on to have little responses, but you may find of interest reading. Our breakups aren't little $hit at our age, its usually something much more complicated than "I found a text from the opposite sex on his phone".

And seriously, RUN! I'll say it again. My ex, I originally broke up with her because she was the worst girlfriend I ever had in my life our first two months dating. When I did she begged me back for two weeks, before I finally sat down to talk with her. I NEVER ignored her, I was NEVER mean to her, it was just that our beginning was soo bad I didn't see how or why she wanted to make it work. I met with her, we talked thru it, we went on to have a very special year. However, when she decided she wanted to breakup, that was that. Silent Treatment, telling people I was harassing her by trying to communicate, and even going so far as to say she needed PFA from me. I swear all I did was write one email once a week, for four weeks, saying PLEASE just talk with me, and I in return get a girl telling everyone she knows she needed PFA from me.

I believe Silent Treatment is the response of a very mentally damaged individual, who has a serious desire to hurt and control.

RUN!

May 15, 2012

Yea and just to expand a bit further on the family thing, like I said her children were like my own, I spent a ton of time with her family, I brought her into my world of family and friends... I mean we were totally intertwined when she stopped talking to me, and everything else didn't matter. If I told you the whole story your hair would catch fire. When she broke up with me she was sure to tell me she'd never speak to me again, she blocked my FB, email and phone numbers, and how her boys were doing were none of my business so no I can't see or talk to them either. This from a woman who would send me into a teachers meeting with the teacher who made her boy cry in class on day, and made him cry not wanting to go to school anymore. She sent me in because her son loved and respected me, and because she knew I would absolutely rip the head off that teacher if he didn't address the situation properly with me. So yes sure I can be the father of her children, as long as she is talking to me. Other than that, I got thrown away. Seriously, it can get very, very ugly. If he is doing this now, who knows what the future would bring.

May 16, 2012

I have complimented myself on thinking that maybe he did withdraw because he was starting to feel more than he wanted as well. Bad part is, that's supposed to be flattering to know I am doing everything right & yet I also feel as if that is also a bad thing & am being "punished".

This is your ego talking. The simplest explanation is usually the most probable. He met someone else and doesn't know how to tell you. Or perhaps he learned something about you that gave him pause. As you say, small town folks talk to each other. Do you have any skeletons in the closet that he may have uncovered?

May 16, 2012

This is your ego talking. The simplest explanation is usually the most probable. He met someone else and doesn't know how to tell you. Or perhaps he learned something about you that gave him pause. As you say, small town folks talk to each other. Do you have any skeletons in the closet that he may have uncovered?

Actually, I don't believe that my ego has anything to do with this. It's more just trying to understand what is happening. We have known each other for almost a decade & my life is an open book. He knows everything. So, no skeletons. In our line of work, you have to hold yourself to a higher standard & I have prided myself on that fact. Our lives are under a constant microscope because of always being in the public eye. I am beginning to think that maybe someone that I didn't know about did pop in the picture because even tho we live 90 miles from each other I cannot see what goes on in his world when I am not there. That is where the trust issue came into play & up until now, I trusted him completely...

May 16, 2012

Yea and just to expand a bit further on the family thing, like I said her children were like my own, I spent a ton of time with her family, I brought her into my world of family and friends... I mean we were totally intertwined when she stopped talking to me, and everything else didn't matter. If I told you the whole story your hair would catch fire. When she broke up with me she was sure to tell me she'd never speak to me again, she blocked my FB, email and phone numbers, and how her boys were doing were none of my business so no I can't see or talk to them either. This from a woman who would send me into a teachers meeting with the teacher who made her boy cry in class on day, and made him cry not wanting to go to school anymore. She sent me in because her son loved and respected me, and because she knew I would absolutely rip the head off that teacher if he didn't address the situation properly with me. So yes sure I can be the father of her children, as long as she is talking to me. Other than that, I got thrown away. Seriously, it can get very, very ugly. If he is doing this now, who knows what the future would bring.

It is definitely an eye opener. One I could have done without. I honestly think it would have been easier if he had not have ever initiated contact with me again. I was doing just fine before he popped back in the picture. At this point in time I just feel plain used. I feel as tho I was some sort of distraction for him & that something has come into play that I am no longer of any use. It's very deflating to know that I was played. Granted, it's only been a week of not speaking to him but it feels a heck of alot longer! Guess I got spoiled with being able to talk/text to him every day, all day & with it just abruptly stopping, it makes me go wtf. Granted, no one likes to be ignored, but an explanation would be nice. I just held him to a higher standard than most. I looked up to him & respected him. Considered him unique. That's what made him special to me because he wasn't like everyone else & yet with just the simplest of tasks of the not speaking he has become tarnished in my eyes & is now just like every other jerk in my past

May 16, 2012

I disappeared on a nice woman recently who I had a great date with but it has nothing to do with her.

Yeah, I hate games. Total waste of time. I don't get the purpose in all that testing crap & the thing is, I can't see him doing that either, which is another reason why I go wth...if he had done it before or if we didn't talk all the time I would probably not be second guessing everything so much. I hope he truly has no clue what is going on. That he doesn't realize stepping away is tearing me up. If it's not intentional then it's forgivable BUT God help him if I ever find out that this was on purpose because it's cruel!

Why did you pull the disappearing act? You said it had nothing to do with her, so what was it?

Well I doubt it would help with your situation but...

This was only after one date and I just wasn't sure if I was ready to be dating or not partly because I feel like I need to get to the point where I'm moving my business forward by saving for a second house and I'm not living in my first one so I don't know if I feel like putting myself out there and explaining my situation while I'm living with family.

May 16, 2012

Well I doubt it would help with your situation but...

This was only after one date and I just wasn't sure if I was ready to be dating or not partly because I feel like I need to get to the point where I'm moving my business forward by saving for a second house and I'm not living in my first one so I don't know if I feel like putting myself out there and explaining my situation while I'm living with family.

Yeah, not much help with mine lol but thanks for sharing, I understand where you barely knew this person & didn't want to divulge all that personal info. Did she ever try to contact you after you disappeared?

May 16, 2012

Yeah, not much help with mine lol but thanks for sharing, I understand where you barely knew this person & didn't want to divulge all that personal info. Did she ever try to contact you after you disappeared?

She seemed like she was waiting for some indication of if we would see each other again so I told her next time I'll get her the drink we talked about and she said looking forward to it.

Haven't called her or heard from her since either tho but I don't think I would ignore her if I did.

May 16, 2012

She seemed like she was waiting for some indication of if we would see each other again so I told her next time I'll get her the drink we talked about and she said looking forward to it.

Haven't called her or heard from her since either tho but I don't think I would ignore her if I did.

Sooo technically you didn't just disappear, you just never took that next step & neither did she. Well, I hope if you got anything out of this post is that you can see how damaging it can be for some people if you don't properly communicate. Communication is key in a good relationship (in my eyes at least) & when it just stops, imagination is the only thing left & let me tell you it totally takes over!! My hope is that you will have enough respect for the women in your life that if it just isn't working out, be an adult & just say so

May 16, 2012

Sooo technically you didn't just disappear, you just never took that next step & neither did she. Well, I hope if you got anything out of this post is that you can see how damaging it can be for some people if you don't properly communicate. Communication is key in a good relationship (in my eyes at least) & when it just stops, imagination is the only thing left & let me tell you it totally takes over!! My hope is that you will have enough respect for the women in your life that if it just isn't working out, be an adult & just say so

Good post.

It's basic common courtesy.

May 16, 2012

Good post.
It's basic common courtesy.

Exactly & thank you

May 19, 2012

Sooooo apparently I am multi-talented & can text in my sleep!!

I was checking messages yesterday morning when I got up for work & saw that I had sent him "the text" message at around 3 AM. I was mortified! On top of that, don't remember doing it. Only good part, it was very well-phrased lmao!!

Anywho, didn't think much about it until that afternoon when I am knee deep in idiots & my phone rings. I bout jumped out of my skin! Two reasons, one was the ringtone of course & the second was that it was HIM calling! I hit silent & just let it go to voicemail. About an hour later I was able to look at my messages & he had actually left one. I was honestly very hesitant about listening to it because well, just because. I got to a quiet place & listened & it was him telling me to call him so we could discuss what was going on. I (of course) waited another hour before I decided to do so & ironically, got his voicemail. Told him I wasn't interested in playing phone tag & that if he had something specific to say & it was not going to waste my time or his breath then he could call me back but if not then don't bother EVER...I then finished out my shift & headed straight for the gym. I was tense as an ironing board & needed to release some steam in a productive manner. Never did get that return phone call but was super proud of myself for sending a text that was politely written that elicited the proper response & for also "manning up" & leaving an adult-like voicemail. Guess I felt like that was the closure I needed & I slept wonderfully!

Now, here is where I get to my 'Paul Harvey' part & we get to the rest of the story...

I am doing good today. Still proud of myself for staying strong & then BOOM at work, phone goes off again & yup it's him. This time, I decide to answer. I get met with "OK before you say anything, I just got my ass chewed out by my sister & my mother for not calling or returning messages so it's not just you & we need to talk". I said "Proceed" & that's when I was reminded of a PTSD incident that happened back when we used to work together & that is what he said was that happened. That he gets in these "moods" & doesn't realize that he being insensitive to others when he just decides he no longer wants to talk. He isolates himself & doesn't realize it until someone "snaps" him out of it. Sometimes it's just a few hours, sometimes days. I told him that I understood & did remember BUT I guess I was just shallow enough to believe that it didn't apply to me. I of course got a "hot call" & told him that would could talk about this further when neither one of us had so many distractions. He agreed.

Question to you guys is, do I give him another chance, let him explain?

Or be the doubtful jaded person I DO NOT WANT TO BE & just walk away?

Please be kind BUT be honest!! Thanks

Edited May 19, 2012 by lostandconfuzzled

May 20, 2012

If it was me personally, I would give him the chance to explain himself in person (simply because if i liked the guy, I probably wouldn't be able to resist!!..weak i know lol). It sounds like you do like him a lot, and so yep, i reckon go out for dinner/drinks once to hear him out, then make an informed decision from then...but not straight away....give yourself a chance to think through things properly. Be careful you don't fall into the trap of wanting to help the 'poor little' man syndrome! haha!

Good luck!

May 20, 2012

Give him another chance because of this PTSD incident. You would understand him in a way that a "civilian" wouldn't. However, if he isn't being treated for PTSD, he needs to get it handled. It sounds like any sort of stress could trigger it.

May 20, 2012

Every time I just stopped talking to someone is because I felt they didn't care. I actually learned this from a woman who took days to respond to my emails. After a while of this I learned to do the same thing to the point of eventually not replying at all. If I am not worth the effort of a timely response, then neither are you.

I once dated someone similar to the op. Hard ass with their emotions. Would never express them. Only said they cared on the verge of me breaking it off.

Finally I had enough and went NC. She made a couple half-assed attempts at contact but like the OP was probably too proud to chase. To me this all pointed to a person that didn't give a s*#t so I never again contacted her.

I don't know if she really didn't care or whether my NC hurt her, but if you want to be a hard ass with your emotions and be so proud as to not try to work things out, then I don't want you in my life.

Also dated another woman that I thought might be "the one". She seemed into me but didn't put the effort into initiating contact (probably another too proud to chase). After a while I decided I didn't want to get hurt if she didn't care so I disappeared from her life too. Never heard from her. Maybe she didn't care and maybe she was too proud to show it or chase. Either way, not someone I want in my life.

Edited May 20, 2012 by Frank13

May 20, 2012

Lost, i truly think that something really bad or negative has happened to your love interest while he was uncontactable. Give him a chance to explain.

May 20, 2012

If it was me personally, I would give him the chance to explain himself in person (simply because if i liked the guy, I probably wouldn't be able to resist!!..weak i know lol). It sounds like you do like him a lot, and so yep, i reckon go out for dinner/drinks once to hear him out, then make an informed decision from then...but not straight away....give yourself a chance to think through things properly. Be careful you don't fall into the trap of wanting to help the 'poor little' man syndrome! haha!
Good luck!

I do like him alot, have for a long time so this is kinda hard for me because I don't want to completely let myself go & fall hard. Sad part is, with him, it wouldn't take much for me to do that. Guess that's why this whole thing has tore me up & I began to reach outside my comfort zone to find other opinions on this type of thing. As for "helping" him? I will be supportive (as always) but he has to want to help himself. I married a man that was "broken" & I don't care to go down that road EVER again! Thanks for your input, most appreciated

May 20, 2012

Give him another chance because of this PTSD incident. You would understand him in a way that a "civilian" wouldn't. However, if he isn't being treated for PTSD, he needs to get it handled. It sounds like any sort of stress could trigger it.

My understanding is that it's not the stress of the job that triggers it, that actually helps him stabilize it. It's when he goes home & it's quiet & something triggers it & he goes MIA for about 7-10 days. He is going to a therapist & taking meds. For the most part, it seems to be under "control".

My son-in-law is in the Army & he came back from Afghanistan with PTSD so I am a little more in tune to what's up because of all the research I helped my daughter do.

I just didn't see the signs with mine because our main form of communication is the phone & when we were together everything was always "perfect".

I have been receptive when he calls & am listening as always so I guess only time will tell...thanks for your input

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