Being a Man.

[beautifulearth83]

I've been struggling with my manhood for awhile now. (This is where the ladies giggle and the dudes tell me to stop being a wussy.)

 

There are days, like today, where I feel that I'm standing tall, I'm able to make decisions and stand on my own to feet. I'm able to feel the fire of life burning through me and I fantasize about sword fights in the wilderness, all while being watched and hunted by blood thirsty wolves.

 

Then, I walked to a local hot dog place by my apartment and a guy came out of the door and told me they were closed. The way he told me caused me to shut down and feel small. I felt all the energy leave me and ever since, I have been lost in my mind, feeling small and sort of girly.

 

I am not saying that being a Man means the absence of emotions or a feminine, poetic side, which I feel I possess. I feel that it is more the ability to stand on your own feet, be strong and enduring, having the ability to stand up straight to the whirling emotions of others and this world. It is having the ability to cry and get back up. I could be wrong about some of this, but I'm really kind of feeling strange right now, so bear with me.

 

My theory is that what happened at the hot dog place could have been caused by a few things. One is that I have had a few situations where I did not stand up for myself, and when something slight like this happens, something inside me wants to get angry, but instead I shut down and go into a submissive state and just want my Mommy.

 

I get that is my only theory for now.

 

The point is that I do want to be the 29 year-old Man that I am, but I do not necessarily think that means drinking beer and watching sports, acting like a douche-bag and killing things. I like a little bit of everything. My question is where to go from here? The last few days I've been hitting my pillow and working to feel my emotions and release them. I think that is a good route so far, but goodness knows that when a small event in public triggers this, I can't just go breaking things to feel a release.

 

It never used to be like this, I would always just get angry and feel it and listen to a song or fantasize about how I wanted to blow up the guy's car that my girlfriend cheated on me with. Now I just sort of shrink and go numb.

 

Any input?

 

Thanks.

[Parallel_Lines]

Maybe you are thinking too much about how society is defining how a man "should be", and worrying about this "supposed to be" version, instead of just being yourself? I'm a lady and I didn't giggle at the post, more like, Hmm.. he sounds like he needs some validation of some kind.

 

Being emotional or poetic sound like good attributes. Maybe you can keep on releasing those feelings through poetry. I'm sorry to hear that your gf cheated on you, it sounds like she still has great power, in terms of provoking your anger. It must have been a terrible ordeal.

 

Being a man doesn't need to be defined by anybody else, as long as you are comfortable in your own skin, who cares what they think.

[trist]

you know the only problems I have with this are the following...

 

a hot dog stand being shut down caused you to completely surrender to the point where you wanted to curl up in the fetal position and call for your mommy? it's a hot dog stand... you shouldn't be putting that garbage in your odd for starters, and again, it was a hot dog stand... personally, I've walked into favorite restaurants or whatnot just as they were closing down or about to close down... there's no reason why a little charm and persuasion from your end or in the least a fat tip couldn't get you what you wanted, instead of tucking your tail between your legs...

 

the second problem I see is at the age of 29, your fantasies consist of hot dogs down the block, sword fights in the woods, and the likely hood of contracting rabies from a pack of blood thirsty wolves looking at you like you would've looked at the hot dog...

 

I'm not sure where to go from here to be honest with you... there's something you are leaving out to the story that has brought you to the point where you have a tendency to shut down when you get talked down to or don't get what you want... you're leaving out a piece of the puzzle...

[beautifulearth83]

Paralell Lines... Thank you for your response. It feels really good to hear somebody tell me to be myself. I have been feeling a lot of pressure to fit the mold(spelling?) Perhaps that is due to the fact that many of my peers are getting married, settling down and are responsible in their own careers etc. I'm just kind of lost.

Edited May 15, 2012 by beautifulearth83

[trist]

to each their own there's no judgement here... if you can pull off walking around in 10" stilettos more power to you... some girls need YEARS of practice as it is... although when you said dress in women's clothing, the first image that popped into my head was that movie Big Mama... but them imediately followed by the guy in Silence of the Lambs... Buffalo Bill I think was his name? lol...

 

but NOW your story makes a lot more sense, and unfortunately, it far exceeds my level of experience... this might be something better suited for a professional, one that had to go to school for at least a decade to get a degree...

 

start small I say, maybe your outlook would change if we were to find a stable job first, one that could make you hold your head up high? the rest might fall into place shortly thereafter... that job might give you a little boost in the confidence department...

 

ps - you should've left what you wrote up... it had to have felt good letting it all out... don't assume that everyone on this planet is going to be judgemental... except I will not let you near my household products... lol...

Edited May 15, 2012 by trist

[beautifulearth83]

I didn't like my last response and it wouldn't let me edit again... Here goes:

 

Parallel_Lines,

 

Thank you for your response. It is nice to hear somebody tell me to be myself. I find that hard to do these days. I have indeed been trying to fit into things in an attempt to find my place. I am what I am, right? I've just forgotten what it feels like to let go and trust life and myself.

 

Trist,

 

The fantasies were more for entertainment value, I wasn't really thinking those things, although I do love fantasy art and stuff

I'm not really sure what to add. I do think I have an idea of what the missing puzzle piece might be. That is the fact that I have OCD. It's hard to explain, but an example would be if I decided that I was going to watch a movie in hopes to enjoy it, and I thought about something I did earlier in the day that was "wrong", my mind would freeze and I wouldn't enjoy the movie. It's kind of gotten like that with me for life. It's like, with all the mistakes I've made, I don't feel like I deserve to be myself or feel or something. I don't know. It's really strange.

 

I'm really trying though. I don't know what else to do. I was thinking about going to see somebody about it. I have been so stuck in my mind.

 

Perhaps much of the reason I can't stand up and be myself is because my mind has me by the balls.

[trist]

you half put it all out there... but the important true deeper inner stuff you still omitted...

 

just be you, embrace it and let it all out... it's the first step to the healing process... you did real good the first time around... nobody sat here and judged you, and theoretically you can hide behind your screen so you don't have to worry about any of us being the hot dog guy...

 

you're already contemplating professional help, and it's a good thing... doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with you, except maybe you just need someone to talk to about soe of the things running through your mind is all...

[Ramon83]

To me it sounds more like in your case there's a conflict in how you choose to define yourself and what parts of your identity your surroundings choose to acknowledge you. Being a man, being a lover, being a son, or whatever you choose as a dominant trade for yourself/the thing to be most insecure about, is always relative in the way it should be given shape to.

 

You choose to be a man who is able to cry, step over that and grow from it. A man with poetic qualities and so on. That's just as valit as a definition of manhood as anything else. Even if you choose to dress up in women's clothes.

 

The reason why you are probably are confused is because the people around you reject your definitions of manhood and therefor you feel rejected as a person. The reason why something like that can bother you is because there's always the risk that you will end up alone, with nobody to acknowledge and love you as a person. That's why you feel some sort of urge to change towards their definitions.

 

But my advice is to go out into the world and present and express yourself as you think you should be as a man and a person. You will find a group of people who will genuinly accept you for that and care for you.

 

Once you find such a group you have the luxury of not caring anymore about what the random stranger in the hotdog shop thinks about you!

[eles83]

Hi, I was reading your post and I was just going to say... I think maybe you put too much weight on what a man should be like and maybe instead you should focus on what you want to be like, as a person. I mean you said:

 

I feel that it is more the ability to stand on your own feet, be strong and enduring, having the ability to stand up straight to the whirling emotions of others and this world. It is having the ability to cry and get back up. I could be wrong about some of this, but I'm really kind of feeling strange right now, so bear with me.

 

I mean for me, this doesn't describe so much a strong man as much as it does a strong person - and maybe make that your goal. Like, don't bother with ideas of gender roles. You can ask people to define what makes a man a man and a woman and woman and you will get a million different answers. And it only muddies up the issue that really, you aren't the person you want to be.

 

I think counseling will help, because it will give you methods and tools of coping that you might need if you frequently feel low. But on the whole, I would just stop putting pressure on yourself to meet some random person's ideal of what a man is, and just be the you you want to be. I mean, I know guys who go out in heels and party dresses and guys with hunting rifles and guys who play football and guys who write beautiful poetry and guys who are illiterate and guys who apply their eyeliner much, much better than I ever will and they are all great (even though I don't like hunting ). So who cares what your preferences are? If you're around people who do care, talk to people who don't - even if you have to find them online.

 

I think when you learn to not care so much if you are meeting someone else's expectations of you, you won't feel so bad about yourself and that will make you strong.

[beautifulearth83]

I don't like hunting either, but I've thought about shooting guns.

 

Anyway, I really do appreciate all of your responses. The reason I deleted my first post about dressing up is because I feel that if I keep talking about something that I'm not even really that interested in as a life-long thing, that I feel no need to be ashamed of, why keep making it my issue?

 

I'm more concerned about what lies beneath, what leads to those actions. But as I type that even, your advice rings in my ear saying "what does it matter what leads to those actions? Is that not just the same voice saying 'there's something wrong with those actions, so try and fix it'"

 

Maybe I just like thinking, maybe I'm just interested in life. I've always wanted to try everything and consider things.

 

I don't know. I find it really hard to form a cohesive post, but then again I suspect that may be the same judging voice. I look at myself from this perspective.

 

I guess I've always just struggled to be something and know what that something is! Whether it is a musician or a businessman or whatever.

 

And based on some of the responses and a lot of what has been coming up, it's apparent to me that I depend on how I'm reflected in the world very much so. That is perhaps why I chose to do things like dress up when I'm drunk, just to prove that it doesn't matter. It's like I know that it doesn't matter, but I want to show the world that it doesn't matter.

 

This leads me to think that maybe I should get into acting, or writing stories. I just don't know where to begin. I don't judge anybody. I do my best in this life to just accept people and love and be merry. I have a hard time defining myself because it feels limited.

 

I don't know. Perhaps this is just a useless ramble, but I guess it does feel good to just say it.

 

I love you all. I don't even know you and I love you. I feel like we all have something inexpressible in us. Something adventurous. That just wants to meet people and love and be and have sex and eat good food.

 

I have so much trouble narrowing it down to a career or a whatever.

 

I feel like so many people are like "hey this is who I am and I accept nothing else". I have a hard time with that. I don't know.

 

The manhood thing happened today. Not so much manhood, but standing my ground. Things are work were going well, I felt centered in myself and there came a moment where I dumbed myself down for my manager. It's strange how there are people in the world that are in manager positions that really aren't in the position to tell people what to do, although if they are in that position, I guess they are. lol. I don't know. I don't even want to continue writing. I'm just hanging out.

 

I hope you're all having a good night. lol.

[beautifulearth83]

I stepped away but wanted to add something.

 

I feel that I also yearn to know the truth about myself. To be whole and live an honest life, but i always feel like there is something I need to work on. Like something that I've left that...

 

I don't know. I can't even finish my sentences.

 

I love you all.

[pteromom]

Don't worry about what society defines as a "man". Be true to yourself.

 

If you wish you'd had a different reaction when the hot dog place was closed, think about what you WISHED you'd felt and start working on feeling that way.

 

When you are true to yourself, not everyone will like you. This is ok. If you are saying - "Yep, I am a guy into wolves and fantasy art and dressing up and poetry and hot dogs!", some people will say "Yikes" or "Yuck". That's ok too.

 

What you want is to draw people to you who "get" you.

 

As far as career, you probably can't get a career that has anything to do with fantasy art and poetry and hot dogs.... BUT... you can think about careers where us folk who are a little "different" are celebrated, not forced to conform. I'm in graphic art, and therefore am "allowed" to dress uniquely, act weird, and refuse to live by a time clock. It works for me and who I am.

 

You are a good writer, so you could look into different career paths around that - technical writing, marketing, communications, web authoring...

 

But yeh - you don't have to DEFINE yourself. Just BE yourself. When you are authentic, everything just feels right. You know when that is - when the world is bright and everything is just at peace. Don't dumb yourself down. Don't worry about what other people think. Keep learning, keep growing, and just be yourself.