To be concerned?

May 15, 2012

Hello,

I've been in an LDR with a beautiful woman for 7 months. She only lives four hours away but, because of work and grad school, we don't see each other for more than a 2-3 weekends a month. Our personalities match so well and I never thought I could feel this way about someone. Here's my concern: lately, she's been in constant contact with a guy she met at a corporate soccer game few weeks ago. She's told me all about him; he's a local guy and she gave him her number for contacting her to play a practice game with her team.

But last week I picked her up for us to spend the weekend together and she was texting him all day and sending him pictures of herself when we were in the car, outside, and even at the party we went to that night. I snooped around when she was sleeping and read some texts between them. I discovered that they text each other pretty much every day and all day. A lot of the texts are about what they're doing, work, or soccer, but there's also flirting going on. Mostly from him and he's very aggressive in his texts when he does flirt. She sends him a little flirty stuff too, but nothing nearly as forward as what he says. In one conversation she told him about me and said she was in a very serious relationship with me.

I asked her why they were texting so much, and she says they're just soccer friends and it doesn't mean anything because she'd never sleep with him, I'm the one she loves and I should trust her. I didn't push the issue any further, and she continued texting him for the rest of the weekend and is most likely still texting him now. I trust her for sure, but I also can't help feeling just a tiny bit strange about this whole thing, even if she told him about us. Overall, I don't want to be a paranoid boyfriend.

What would you do in this situation?

Thanks

May 15, 2012

lol, It's only a matter of time before something happens between them if it hasn't happened already. Cut her loose.

May 15, 2012

Hello,

I've been in an LDR with a beautiful woman for 7 months. She only lives four hours away but, because of work and grad school, we don't see each other for more than a 2-3 weekends a month. Our personalities match so well and I never thought I could feel this way about someone. Here's my concern: lately, she's been in constant contact with a guy she met at a corporate soccer game few weeks ago. She's told me all about him; he's a local guy and she gave him her number for contacting her to play a practice game with her team.

But last week I picked her up for us to spend the weekend together and she was texting him all day and sending him pictures of herself when we were in the car, outside, and even at the party we went to that night. I snooped around when she was sleeping and read some texts between them. I discovered that they text each other pretty much every day and all day. A lot of the texts are about what they're doing, work, or soccer, but there's also flirting going on. Mostly from him and he's very aggressive in his texts when he does flirt. She sends him a little flirty stuff too, but nothing nearly as forward as what he says. In one conversation she told him about me and said she was in a very serious relationship with me.

I asked her why they were texting so much, and she says they're just soccer friends and it doesn't mean anything because she'd never sleep with him, I'm the one she loves and I should trust her. I didn't push the issue any further, and she continued texting him for the rest of the weekend and is most likely still texting him now. I trust her for sure, but I also can't help feeling just a tiny bit strange about this whole thing, even if she told him about us. Overall, I don't want to be a paranoid boyfriend.

What would you do in this situation?

Thanks

This is one of the reasons I don't like LDR.

For one, in seven months you've seen her what 20 times? That's not very often so when you see each other it's like a first date all over again. The daily reality isn't there. How much do you really know her?

Now there's a guy that is immediately available to her? He will see her during all of these soccer games every weekend so he'll see her more than you do. And since you're long distance she's juggling your texts with his...so her attention is distracted.

There is something about proximity and relationships. If she talks to him a lot and sees him regularly, something is going to happen. There's no need to have a new guy coming around now and that soccer game stuff sounds lame. How much is there to say? "The game is this weekend @ 9 at the park". That can be sent in an e-mail anyway, not one on one texts.

May 15, 2012

She's texting him pictures of herself... while she's spending time with you... ?

I have some platonic male tennis hitting partners, and I would never text any of them a picture of myself. The only texts we exchange are to plan and confirm matches - 2-4 texts tops per match. NOTHING flirty, nothing but details about the plan.

This is bad news.

May 15, 2012

Welcome to the forums. Dump, she is over the line disrespectful. Date someone closer to home. Good luck.

May 15, 2012

Thanks for the responses everyone.

lol, It's only a matter of time before something happens between them if it hasn't happened already. Cut her loose.

Bit dramatic, don't you think?

She's texting him pictures of herself... while she's spending time with you... ?

I have some platonic male tennis hitting partners, and I would never text any of them a picture of myself. The only texts we exchange are to plan and confirm matches - 2-4 texts tops per match. NOTHING flirty, nothing but details about the plan.

This is bad news.

This is one of the reasons I don't like LDR.

For one, in seven months you've seen her what 20 times? That's not very often so when you see each other it's like a first date all over again. The daily reality isn't there. How much do you really know her?

Now there's a guy that is immediately available to her? He will see her during all of these soccer games every weekend so he'll see her more than you do. And since you're long distance she's juggling your texts with his...so her attention is distracted.

There is something about proximity and relationships. If she talks to him a lot and sees him regularly, something is going to happen. There's no need to have a new guy coming around now and that soccer game stuff sounds lame. How much is there to say? "The game is this weekend @ 9 at the park". That can be sent in an e-mail anyway, not one on one texts.

Does it make a difference if I was in one of the photos she sent? And wouldn't this "soccer guy" be the bad guy here to keep texting my girlfriend even though he knows that I'm real and she's telling him that we're very serious about each other?

Well it's surely a pain to not see her very often but we do skype and gchat every day when we get home. So it's not as bad as not seeing her at all.

But if this is all so bad how do I approach this issue then? Should I demand that they stop talking to each other? I trust her and I don't want to drive her away by making her think I'm some sort of controlling boyfriend.

May 15, 2012

She was taking and responding to his flirty texts? This is very bad.

Your only chance of saving this is to end it. No yelling on your part, simply say that her texting is unacceptable. She will either come to see you're right (of course you're right and she already knowd it) and beg her way back and stop, or she is already too far into the other guy.

You're putting up with a scary amount of disrespect. Keep this up and you will play the sucker with her leaving you.

May 15, 2012

Thanks for the responses everyone.

Bit dramatic, don't you think?

Does it make a difference if I was in one of the photos she sent? And wouldn't this "soccer guy" be the bad guy here to keep texting my girlfriend even though he knows that I'm real and she's telling him that we're very serious about each other?

Well it's surely a pain to not see her very often but we do skype and gchat every day when we get home. So it's not as bad as not seeing her at all.

But if this is all so bad how do I approach this issue then? Should I demand that they stop talking to each other? I trust her and I don't want to drive her away by making her think I'm some sort of controlling boyfriend.

It's not about being controlling hon. She wouldn't text this guy constantly and send him pictures of herself WHEN WITH YOU if there was nothing going on between them. How do you think she would react if you did the same thing? I guarantee she would get really mad. You seem like nice and trusting and I'm afraid this girl is taking advantage of this.

Tell me this. Did she even ask you if you are ok with the whole thing? Did she take into consideration that this might bother you? Also, do you feel like she is way out of your league?

May 15, 2012

Hey, if she respected your relationship and was in it 100%, she would have made it PERFECTLY clear to this guy that his flirtations are not welcome. Texting him all day and whatnot? So inappropriate. She clearly enjoys the attention.

What were her responses when he was sending flirty texts?

Have you asked her why she is in SUCH constant contact with him?

I have a BF, and I do not welcome advances or flirtations from other guys. I also don't text other guys 24/7, essentially leading them on.

I would honestly leave her. I do think that it's just a matter of time. Obviously she likes this guy, she likes his attention, and she doesn't want to give that up. He is local, you are not, the cards are stacked mightly in his favor and she is allowing that. I don't know any girls who are serious about their partner that engage in behavior like this.

And yeah he might be a "bad guy" for flirting with a girl in a relationship, but...it's not his job to be faithful and respectful of you. It's hers. So she is being a "bad woman" by continuing/allowing/encouraging this.

Edited May 15, 2012 by veggirl

May 15, 2012

This is one of the reasons I don't like LDR.

For one, in seven months you've seen her what 20 times? That's not very often so when you see each other it's like a first date all over again. The daily reality isn't there. How much do you really know her?

Now there's a guy that is immediately available to her? He will see her during all of these soccer games every weekend so he'll see her more than you do. And since you're long distance she's juggling your texts with his...so her attention is distracted.

There is something about proximity and relationships. If she talks to him a lot and sees him regularly, something is going to happen. There's no need to have a new guy coming around now and that soccer game stuff sounds lame. How much is there to say? "The game is this weekend @ 9 at the park". That can be sent in an e-mail anyway, not one on one texts.

She may be in denial and unwilling to acknowledge what she's doing to you

May 15, 2012

Does it make a difference if I was in one of the photos she sent?

No. Why in the hell does she need to send pictures of herself to a soccer contact?! Can you imagine texting pictures of yourself to some other chick?

And wouldn't this "soccer guy" be the bad guy here to keep texting my girlfriend even though he knows that I'm real and she's telling him that we're very serious about each other?

Yeah, he shouldn't be hitting on her - but she is obviously welcoming it and encouraging more. And you're sitting there letting it continue.

But if this is all so bad how do I approach this issue then? Should I demand that they stop talking to each other? I trust her and I don't want to drive her away by making her think I'm some sort of controlling boyfriend.

So you'd prefer to allow some other dude to send her suggestive texts - while she's sitting right next to you? If I were you, I would let myself feel the natural anger, express it to her, go a little caveman, and demand that the interaction stop. If she isn't willing to show you that respect, you don't need her. If she refuses or continues, I'd dump her.

May 15, 2012

Instead of spending what little time she has with you, she texts this guy the whole time? That isn't right regardless of her motive!

May 15, 2012

It's not about being controlling hon. She wouldn't text this guy constantly and send him pictures of herself WHEN WITH YOU if there was nothing going on between them. How do you think she would react if you did the same thing? I guarantee she would get really mad. You seem like nice and trusting and I'm afraid this girl is taking advantage of this.

Tell me this. Did she even ask you if you are ok with the whole thing? Did she take into consideration that this might bother you? Also, do you feel like she is way out of your league?

I guess my cautiousness comes from early in our relationship when she told me that her ex was a really demanding guy who was always whining about where she went, who she went with, etc. So I've tried to not be that kind of guy. Naturally I'm not anyways, I'm pretty laid-back and only get intense about my coursework.

She didn't really ask if I was ok, but since she told me everything about him and how they met I didn't feel threatened by it at all. She's very friendly and rarely gets angry, that's what attracted me to her most. It's just only this past weekend when she was texting him all the time I had to ask her what's up. I think she is very attractive but I'm not too bad to look at either, so I never really thought of her out of my league or anything like that.

Hey, if she respected your relationship and was in it 100%, she would have made it PERFECTLY clear to this guy that his flirtations are not welcome. Texting him all day and whatnot? So inappropriate. She clearly enjoys the attention.

What were her responses when he was sending flirty texts?
Have you asked her why she is in SUCH constant contact with him?

I have a BF, and I do not welcome advances or flirtations from other guys. I also don't text other guys 24/7, essentially leading them on.

I would honestly leave her. I do think that it's just a matter of time. Obviously she likes this guy, she likes his attention, and she doesn't want to give that up. He is local, you are not, the cards are stacked mightly in his favor and she is allowing that. I don't know any girls who are serious about their partner that engage in behavior like this.

And yeah he might be a "bad guy" for flirting with a girl in a relationship, but...it's not his job to be faithful and respectful of you. It's hers. So she is being a "bad woman" by continuing/allowing/encouraging this.

One of the conversations I read was like this, obviously don't remember the exact words:

Him: I'm made all my shots tonight. Probably because a sexy someone was texting me (or some other corny line)

Her: I bring out the best in people

Etc, etc.

In a couple he's mentioned spanking her if her team loses and stuff. She usually responds "that's assuming your team will win" or "Yeah right!" or something platonic.

Leaving her is a tough thought. I really like her.

She may be in denial and unwilling to acknowledge what she's doing to you

I don't understand. What does that mean?

May 15, 2012

If you trust her then why did you go thru her phone behind her back?

You already know what to do, you just don't want to admit it... Grow a pair.

May 15, 2012

One of the conversations I read was like this, obviously don't remember the exact words:
Him: I'm made all my shots tonight. Probably because a sexy someone was texting me (or some other corny line)
Her: I bring out the best in people
Etc, etc.

In a couple he's mentioned spanking her if her team loses and stuff. She usually responds "that's assuming your team will win" or "Yeah right!" or something platonic.

They're, like, days away from a post-game hookup.

May 15, 2012

Just dump her. There was probably a good reason why her ex was insecure. You don't need this in your life.

May 15, 2012

Did it ever occur to you that she might be secretly hoping you'll set some boundaries in the relationship? There's a huge difference between being a controlling azz and being a wimp which is what you are being right now.

Ruby Slippers said it perfectly.

Edited May 15, 2012 by Imajerk17

May 15, 2012

Wow! Texts where a guy is calling her sexy and saying he'll spank her, and her response is something other than "don't ever talk to me like that again, I have a BF".

She is ACTIVELY encouraging him! Gross!! She has no respect for you or your relationship and Ruby is 100% right! If she isn't already cheating on you, she sure is damn close.

May 16, 2012

Thanks again for the responses everyone.

So I confronted her tonight on skype about everything. I pointed out how messed up it was for her to be texting 'soccer guy' when we were out together and behind my back. She was pretty angry that I went though her phone (never seen her that way before), said it isn't a big deal because he's a flirty guy with women and she doesn't take him seriously at all, that I was making everything out way different from how it was, and repeated that she only cares for me and would never cheat on me no matter what.

When I told her that I'd feel more comfortable if she stopped texting him, she asked why at first, but then said she'd tell him to quit flirting. Funny that even when we were talking I could hear her phone buzzing away on her desk in the background. I bet it was him. At least she didn't pick it up this time, huh?

Alas, I'm here and she's there. But so much I can do from afar but try to trust her word. From what you all pointed out though, it seems her word can't be counted on 100%. I don't even know how to feel, because I love her and only see the best in her. It's going to be tough getting over this if she truly doesn't stop...

Edited May 16, 2012 by DannyO

May 16, 2012

Funny that even when we were talking I could hear her phone buzzing away on her desk in the background. I bet it was him. At least she didn't pick it up this time, huh?

Yeah, but she probably texted or called him when she was done talking to you.

I discovered that they text each other pretty much every day and all day. A lot of the texts are about what they're doing, work, or soccer, but there's also flirting going on. Mostly from him and he's very aggressive in his texts when he does flirt. She sends him a little flirty stuff too, but nothing nearly as forward as what he says. In one conversation she told him about me and said she was in a very serious relationship with me.

News flash: This guy doesn't care about you, he wants to do your girlfriend, and she's allowing his heavy flirtation to continue - and encouraging it. She claims she thinks he's just "flirty" and doesn't take him "seriously".

I'm sure she would totally cool with a "flirty" girl you don't take "seriously" sending you pictures of herself and texting you all day long?

May 17, 2012

Thanks again for the responses everyone.

So I confronted her tonight on skype about everything. I pointed out how messed up it was for her to be texting 'soccer guy' when we were out together and behind my back. She was pretty angry that I went though her phone (never seen her that way before), said it isn't a big deal because he's a flirty guy with women and she doesn't take him seriously at all, that I was making everything out way different from how it was, and repeated that she only cares for me and would never cheat on me no matter what.
When I told her that I'd feel more comfortable if she stopped texting him, she asked why at first, but then said she'd tell him to quit flirting. Funny that even when we were talking I could hear her phone buzzing away on her desk in the background. I bet it was him. At least she didn't pick it up this time, huh?

Alas, I'm here and she's there. But so much I can do from afar but try to trust her word. From what you all pointed out though, it seems her word can't be counted on 100%. I don't even know how to feel, because I love her and only see the best in her. It's going to be tough getting over this if she truly doesn't stop...

I'm glad you responded, and I salute you for at least confronting her (finally). She gave you her answer though. "I'll tell him to quit flirting with me" is pretty damn weak. It might be time for you to just break up with her. I would consider what she is doing to be cheating already.

Being faithful is not only about not having anything happen between you and someone else, it is also about not giving the appearance of anything happening between you and someone else.

Edited May 17, 2012 by Imajerk17

May 17, 2012

Notice she never agreed to stop texting him? She only agreed to stop flirting.

She's spending time and energy focusing on this other man- which is never good for the "primary R" - which SHOULD BE your relationship wih HER - but it's not... Mainly because she's focused on this other dude.

IF she doesn't end ALL communication with him - she's chosen you second.

If that's the case - its over anyway...

She's training you to " allow her" to flirt with other men while she says she's dating only you. In my world that's known as a cheater.

June 16, 2012

Hey all, I know it's been a while and I'm raising a dead thread but I just wanted to thank you all again for the advice.

I ended the relationship a week and a half ago when she admitted to me that she made out with him one evening after work or a game (whatever.) She told me that he'd became upset and stopped talking to her when she told him I was not pleased about their little arrangement. What hurt the most, kiss aside, was that she apparently was the one continued communication. She even had the nerve to blame him for "seducing her into the kiss."

All things said, she really didn't care about me. I should've really took things to heart and saw the situation for what it was, regardless of how much I loved her. Think I'll take some time to be alone now and focus on my education. Thought I could handle a relationship and school, but all that nonsense is distracting.

Anyways. Thanks again, everyone.

June 16, 2012

Ouch... sorry that things had to end that way. You sound like you have a pretty mature, level personality. Hang in there, buddy.

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