What The Hell Was That?

[TheBigQuestion]

 

I don't wanna get sued! God, this is just awful. I have NEVER had an "ex" (if you can even call him that...) react like this. I just do not know how to deal with this much vitriol and drama being thrown my way.

 

... Anyone have any suggestions on how I could look on the bright side of this?

 

You won't get sued. Unless you have assets and/or own a house with an insurance policy on it, you are essentially judgement-proof. Don't be silly. People who don't have money or insurance do not get sued. It is a waste of time when the costs of litigation far exceed what they'd be able to get from you.

 

I'm not too sure about restraining orders, but then again, that's not really being "sued."

Edited May 20, 2012 by TheBigQuestion

[d'Arthez]

You need to be given a restraining order in black and white for it to even mean anything, IIRC. Things like that don't fly based on hearsay and 'I told her I'd get it'. For as long as you aren't actually GIVEN one, it's just moronic talk on his behalf.

I thought you knew this. I was referring to the chances of him proceeding to sue you for just about anything that he can come up with. Don't even be surprised if this piece of art has forgotten all about his idiotic behavior by the time you run into him at the convention.

 

His motives for threatening you have nothing to do with you, but more with the state of his relationship with this new girl. If it talks like a psycho, acts like a psycho, and makes as much sense as a psycho, it probably is a psycho. If him and that girl don't walk out, don't be surprised if he even asks you to hang out together again. I do hope you have the wisdom to be an Ice Queen about this one.

 

... Anyone have any suggestions on how I could look on the bright side of this?

I think just about everyone runs into the occasional psycho. If there is something you should learn from this episode, is that your standards are way too low. Don't waste your time on immature and undeserving a-holes. You can do better than that. Perhaps your bad luck is simply that your interests are things a lot of men are interested in; but of those men with those interests not a lot of them have emotional maturity or many social skills.

 

I think some of these people may even feel threatened by you. It really sounds as if a lot of your male friends and relationship prospects either have an entitlement mindset, or alternatively feel threatened by a young woman who knows what she wants (a lot of men have that issue).

[mark 40]

I think your assessment is absolutely correct. I'm not going to join the rest of the herd and start patronizing you and telling you you're hot and he did this all to get you jealous.

 

That's ABSURD.

 

You're RIGHT on this one. The guy's a class A jerk.

 

he may be but she's still thinking about him. can't get him off her mind.

[Els]

What does it take to actually earn a restraining order? I've outlined pretty clearly the amount of contact I've initiated; I DID show up at his work, but that was because I was already there, and it's a fairly normal thing for friends to do, even if he thinks it's "rude and uncalled for." (Yeah, cause the original phone call was totally appropriate, as was him apparently thinking I'm a mind reader who telepathically sensed we shouldn't be friends.)

 

Sorry, I'm venting, I'm still really upset.

 

I'm not sure about the USA, but here it definitely takes way more than what you did. The process for obtaining a restraining order involves a lot of paperwork and some proof of harassment. He has none of the above. It may be possible to circumvent the system, I don't know, but I don't think you did anything to 'deserve' one.

 

That being said, I do think in the future it would be unwise to drop by the workplace of a guy after this entire shenanigan and an unanswered phone call/email. IMO what you really should have done after the phone call was to accept that this (crazy and jerkish) guy was attracted to you, handled it in a crappy way and got himself burned, and now has a crazy gf. And moved on.

[verhrzn]

That being said, I do think in the future it would be unwise to drop by the workplace of a guy after this entire shenanigan and an unanswered phone call/email. IMO what you really should have done after the phone call was to accept that this (crazy and jerkish) guy was attracted to you, handled it in a crappy way and got himself burned, and now has a crazy gf. And moved on.

 

Yeah, that's probably the part of the whole story that I didn't handle as well as I could have. I was working under the assumption that until you hear something from the person, give them the benefit of the doubt. I had hoped that I'd just run into him at some point, so he could clarify that, sorry, his gf doesn't want us hanging out, and we could just leave it there.

 

Unfortunately, I had no idea he hated me that much. If he honestly believes that little of contact from me was harassing him, he probably would have thought I "stalked" him even if I ran into him by chance encounter. At least this way, my friend can confirm it was HER idea, and she saw nothing wrong with it either (as she also assumed we were all friends.)

 

What I'm accepting now is that this guy and his gf are insane, and they deserve each other. I'm also accepting that I grossly misjudged his character, and I will be staying as far away from him as humanly possible. So, close the book on it, I suppose.

[mark 40]

Yeah, that's probably the part of the whole story that I didn't handle as well as I could have. I was working under the assumption that until you hear something from the person, give them the benefit of the doubt. I had hoped that I'd just run into him at some point, so he could clarify that, sorry, his gf doesn't want us hanging out, and we could just leave it there.

 

Unfortunately, I had no idea he hated me that much. If he honestly believes that little of contact from me was harassing him, he probably would have thought I "stalked" him even if I ran into him by chance encounter. At least this way, my friend can confirm it was HER idea, and she saw nothing wrong with it either (as she also assumed we were all friends.)

 

What I'm accepting now is that this guy and his gf are insane, and they deserve each other. I'm also accepting that I grossly misjudged his character, and I will be staying as far away from him as humanly possible. So, close the book on it, I suppose.

 

women give jerks teh benefit of the doubt, but good guys not so much. even geeky women if that's what you really are.

[verhrzn]

women give jerks teh benefit of the doubt, but good guys not so much. even geeky women if that's what you really are.

 

... You do realize that THIS guy portrayed himself as a super nice, shy geeky guy? That up until the email, he had never done anything jerky? (The flirting is on the fence, since according to my friend, I was overreacting.) Gimme a break: if anything, this shows that Nice Guys are JUST as dangerous as the jerks.

[mark 40]

... You do realize that THIS guy portrayed himself as a super nice, shy geeky guy? That up until the email, he had never done anything jerky? (The flirting is on the fence, since according to my friend, I was overreacting.) Gimme a break: if anything, this shows that Nice Guys are JUST as dangerous as the jerks.

 

but he wasn't a super nice, shy geeky guy. he was a jerk. either you ignored or didn't see the signs. he had you fooled. but of course like every other woman you blame this on nice guys. even though he was never a nice guy and putting on a show. but this must be why women accuse genuinely nice guys of putting on an act, yet compliment the jerks because at least they're being honest. i'm done with you girls. i'm 40 and not one of you has given me a real chance. go keep giving the jerks a chance. you and the rest of them. you're all about the same. i'm so fving so of holding doors for you, paying for everything on dates, just to get spat upon.

[d'Arthez]

Not-So-Nice "Nice Guys" - "Nice Guys, BLEAH!"

Heartless Bitches International - 'NiceGuy', '*******' - Different Sides of the Same Coin

 

Might help a bit for the clueless men.

 

Might also help V., to make sense of her experiences.

[mark 40]

Not-So-Nice "Nice Guys" - "Nice Guys' date=' BLEAH!"[/url']

Heartless Bitches International - 'NiceGuy', '*******' - Different Sides of the Same Coin

 

Might help a bit for the clueless men.

 

Might also help V., to make sense of her experiences.

 

you're the person that's clueless.

[dispatch3d]

That phone call is crazy. I would just stop trying to hang out with him. That girl is nuts and I wouldn't want any part of that.

[Kamille]

V, I wonder to what extent your biased view of yourself is making you an inaccurate narrator about the situation. Up until now, it wasn't clear to me that you two had ever seriously dated. I am going to try to sum up the situation. V, please correct the inaccuracies.

 

1. You and this guy date for something like two months. The understanding is that this arrangement is romantic (True or False?). (Is this when he stands you up?). You assume he isn't interested.

 

2. You move on, but remain friends. (Does he know?). You start dating other people.

 

3. You are only sporadically in contact with each other. You have no idea that he's angry about anything.

 

4. You call and his new GF goes b-**** crazy. You see him and he accuses you of all that stuff.

 

How accurate is this description?

[dispatch3d]

I think other posters are establishing that there wasn't mutual attraction. Like Snug Bunny points out, he was consistently canceling on me and flirting with other girls. That's why we eventually settled into a friendship. But apparently now I've screwed even that up. God, men just aren't worth it on any level are they?

 

from his point of view, you weren't interested and weren't dating. Why wouldn't he hit on other girls? Is he just supposed to remain single while you might like him?

 

And yeah, for a lot of guys it takes some time to get up the courage to ask a girl out. For him it was 3 months. A friend of mine took 3 years with the girl he just married. In that case, its a good thing the girl didn't let the time it took the guy to ask her out to get in the way of dating him.

[dispatch3d]

Well, an update for all of you lovely LS people who I know are SO fascinated in my life.

 

I have not tried to contact the guy since sending the email on Monday. He did not write back, or show any indication of change. Today, I and a mutual friend were in the area where he works, and my friend suggested stopping by. I said sure.

 

We saw him, and he greeted her with a hug, and me with a very aggressive handshake. Before we left, I pulled him aside and asked if we could talk, because-what the heck was going on. He agreed to meet me after he got off work.

 

I got home, and checked my email. He had sent me an email. The email said that, yes, it was his girlfriend that answered, and that he'd been busy with her and "a kid."

 

He went on to say it was rude and uncalled for, for me to stop by his work. He claimed I had cheated on him, and lied to him and led him on. He said I was an awful person, and that if I ever contacted him again, he would get a restraining order.

 

I am.... blown away, even more than I was before. I have NO idea where he got the cheating part. We were NEVER exclusive to begin with. I have not contacted him, in any way, for 6 months up until this week. In fact, HE contacted ME several times. As of this week, this has been my amount of trying to contact him: 1 phone call, an identical email sent to FB and his email, and then today, which my FRIEND suggested.

 

I feel insane right now. I can't fathom this. This is worse than him not being my friend. I could have taken that. But for him to do it in this way? When I hardly dated him for at most 2 months, almost a year ago?? When he gave me no indication of any of this? How do I deal with this? Am I the crazy one?...

 

and my call for putting them on ignore gets backed up. Put the guy on ignore. Your bridge wouldn't seem as burned if you just stopped talking to them at the first dramatic bull****.

[verhrzn]

V, I wonder to what extent your biased view of yourself is making you an inaccurate narrator about the situation. Up until now, it wasn't clear to me that you two had ever seriously dated. I am going to try to sum up the situation. V, please correct the inaccuracies.

 

1. You and this guy date for something like two months. The understanding is that this arrangement is romantic (True or False?). (Is this when he stands you up?). You assume he isn't interested.

 

2. You move on, but remain friends. (Does he know?). You start dating other people.

 

3. You are only sporadically in contact with each other. You have no idea that he's angry about anything.

 

4. You call and his new GF goes b-**** crazy. You see him and he accuses you of all that stuff.

 

How accurate is this description?

 

Sort of accurate, sort of not.

 

1) We first meet. I flirt a lot, he doesn't respond. He doesn't seem interested (flirting with friend, mistaking my name, etc.), I move on. Over the months, I see him through mutual friends. We hang out a few times. He talks about the girls throwing themselves at him, etc. Suddenly, 2 months after we meet, he makes a move.

-> We go on a few... I guess they were dates? He did bring up being exclusive once, which made me go "Wha? Huh? Whoa, nelly, slow the cart down" and it was not discussed again.

 

For accuracies' sake, I looked back through my journals, and from our first "date" (we went to a movie) to me sitting him down and saying "let's just be friends," it was about a month and a half. I also looked back to try to pinpoint how I was feeling during that time period... the word seems to be "confused." Lots of drama and mixed signals.

 

2) We hang out about every two weeks, for two months. We chat online fairly frequently. Sometime in January, he suddenly asks if I've gone on a date recently. I confirm I have, it's never mentioned again.

 

3) Contact becomes sporadical. I have no idea he's angry... I thought he was just busy. I have friends I only see a few times a year, so it seemed normal to me. Especially with him doing all the initiating, I mistakingly believed everything was okay. So, accurate.

 

4) Accurate.

 

Why do ya think I'm an unreliable narrator? I suppose it could be argued that NO one is entirely unbiased, but I think I've expressed most of it as impersonally as I could.

 

from his point of view, you weren't interested and weren't dating. Why wouldn't he hit on other girls? Is he just supposed to remain single while you might like him?

 

And yeah, for a lot of guys it takes some time to get up the courage to ask a girl out. For him it was 3 months. A friend of mine took 3 years with the girl he just married. In that case, its a good thing the girl didn't let the time it took the guy to ask her out to get in the way of dating him.

 

Except... I made it clear that I WAS interested. Yeah, he's more than welcome to flirt with other girls, but a consequence of that (and ignoring the girl who WAS flirting with him) is he might lose her. Roll the dice, take your chances.

 

I mean, what am I supposed to do, sit around and pine until he DID decide to ask me out, when I had no indication he was interested?? I did the mature thing, and moved on.

 

and my call for putting them on ignore gets backed up. Put the guy on ignore. Your bridge wouldn't seem as burned if you just stopped talking to them at the first dramatic bull****.

 

I'm pretty certain this bridge was burned no matter what I did. Heck, I'm glad I didn't just ignore him... it would have been awful for this to have come out over Con weekend. It would have completely destroyed the event for me.

 

As it is, I have blocked him in every way possible (phone number, email, FB) and my friends have promised to patrol the Con so I never run into him. I've also contacted the phone company for all of the phone records, and printed out all the emails, just in case.

Edited May 20, 2012 by verhrzn

[Badsingularity]

if a man would to do even worse, eg beat a woman, she'd say he was a 'nice guy' and start rejecting all guys where treat her nice. females label the worst men nice guys. they have it in for truly nice guys.

 

Instead of just ranting all over the forums, you should check out the personal rant section and start yourself a thread.

[verhrzn]

To get back on topic....

[verhrzn]

king william will ban me.

 

Either say on topic, or GO. AWAY. (And on topic does NOT mean complain how all girls like jerks and ignore the "nice guys.")

[verhrzn]

'nice guy' ro a woman means any guy who mistreats a girl such as your idiot ex who's the subject of the thread. good enough for you?

 

No. Go away. Make your own darn thread, and quit haunting mine.

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Don't worry about this, this person is not your friend and never was in any way, shape or form. Forget them, let them sit in Crazy Town without you.

[dispatch3d]

How did you clearly let him know?

 

I would have stopped talking to them to:

(1) Avoid the drama, since any contact would cause it

(2) Prevent them from making it worse.

 

I would have assumed that if the girl is talking to you like that over the phone that it would be pretty darn difficult to rectify things.

[verhrzn]

How did you clearly let him know?

 

Um... I thought so. I didn't advertise with a neon sign I suppose, but I thought it was fairly obvious. What do you consider "clearly" letting him know?

 

Of course, any MORE obvious and I would have just been one of those girls who "threw" himself at him, that he was complaining about. So, it seems like either way I played it would have ended badly.

 

I would have stopped talking to them to:

(1) Avoid the drama, since any contact would cause it

(2) Prevent them from making it worse.

 

I would have assumed that if the girl is talking to you like that over the phone that it would be pretty darn difficult to rectify things.

 

Meh. I am a lot more comfortable having a finite end to the situation. It really, really bothered me that I didn't have the response from him... just a third party stranger. Lately, I am trying to give people the benefit of the doubt, and not make assumptions... until I hear something from that person, I try not to jump to conclusions.

 

I was gonna have to face this drama SOMEtime. I'm glad it's done and over with, and I can file this away, as an ex-friend who deserves a punch to the groin.

 

Also, I wanted to thank everyone for the support through the last week. It's been a very tough situation, and I really appreciate being able to vent here and get some closure.

[nessaaa]

sounds like you hurt her man and now she's putting you in your place.

don't mess with her man.

[verhrzn]

sounds like you hurt her man and now she's putting you in your place.

don't mess with her man.

 

Yeah, that's totally what happened...

[dispatch3d]

There's a decent chance he didn't know for sure you liked him.

 

I don't see how you gained anything sending those emails, or why you needed a response from him. If they were going to be that awful to you for no reason you could just leave it alone.

 

I think in general for conflicts if you just giveup at the start then they won't get resolved. That said, I don't think this is one of those conflicts where you should be attempting to resolve it.