What The Hell Was That?

May 15, 2012

He flirted with his ex-gf (my good friend) in front of me the first three times. (Tickling each other, cuddling, ignoring me, that sort of thing.) I'd told my friend I was interested in him, and I'd been hard-core flirting with him up until then. I stormed off the first time, and the 2nd and 3rd times I just resolved myself to deal with it. By then, I'd decided (rightfully, eh?) that he wasn't into me, and I should get over him.

The fourth time he invited me out for a movie, then talked about how all these girls are throwing themselves at him, and how he has SO many female friends that wanted to sleep with him. Seriously, we're standing ALONE in a parking lot late at night, just us, me trying to be all flirty, and he's talking about other girls. That was kinda the last "attraction" straw for me.

BWahahaha!! Not a major bummer at all. He's pathetic. Bullet dodged. Go out and have a drink and celebrate. Drama is lame. Cutting drama out of your life is always a good thing.

May 15, 2012

At least YOUR not a psycho! Since you do not ring him often, it must have been for real...... Unless there was a pause when u rang ( where he would have told her the act she needed to put on)

Oh well. He was too stupid to know how to express his interest, and now has a psycho g/f. It won't last, and he will likely contact u afterwards - I would let him explain things, say hello, but refuse any dating prospects.... He blew it the first time, after all.

May 15, 2012

Sorry to hear you had to deal with a bit of the girlfriend - but it also sheds some light on his character. Part of the reason this girlfriend may be acting a bit psycho is because of his flirtatious ways. Imagine if you were the "lucky" girlfriend - it would only feed your insecurities, if he kept on engaging in similar behaviors (and judging by his game, he might well), so I'd say bullet dodged.

But, as others have remarked, the guy was also into you. Dissecting the whole situation (as you are wont to do) will undoubtedly come up with a few "unpleasant truths" (confirmation bias). But you'll be missing the point, that he actually was / is attracted to you. You are less of an ugly duckling than you think you are - and if anything sticks from this whole episode, I hope it is this.

You'll be alright.

May 15, 2012

10 bucks says that wasnt his girlfirned, and was one of his gal pals who was doing his bidding for him at his request. Sounds like he was butthurt and needed a woman to take care of his dirty work because he isnt a real man.

Dont waste your energy even giving 1 brown shiite about this situation. Dude is a class A tosser.

This should be your mindset: "And not a single fvk was given"

P.S. - Whats everyone talking about when they say OP didnt see he liked her? Didnt her OP say that he kept cancelling and had something come up? Sounds to me like them not connecting was his fault.

Sounds to me like he had a GF the whole time & made up stories about verhrzn in order to keep his GF from becoming suspicious. She seems insecure & probably looks at his phone.

It's a common tactic for cheaters to disqualify completely the one they intend to cheat with to their current partner.

This guy in no friend.

He cancelled because he couldn't ditch his GF.

Edited May 15, 2012 by phineas

May 15, 2012

Does anybody think Kaylan might be right, and it was a female friend he put up to getting rid of me? I am trying really hard to not give all the fvks, but I'm just really struggling with getting over the idea that a good friend hates me...

May 15, 2012

I don't think Kaylan is right. Judging by his behaviour, his game is partly based on numbers. Make the numbers big enough, and it is quite likely that the "lucky winner" will be a bit paranoid about his behaviour.

Perhaps you want to think Kaylan is right?

May 15, 2012

Does anybody think Kaylan might be right, and it was a female friend he put up to getting rid of me? I am trying really hard to not give all the fvks, but I'm just really struggling with getting over the idea that a good friend hates me...

Only a completely insane, immature person would put someone up to that. If he did, which I seriously doubt, he's a loser and not worth thinking about because he wasn't a good friend.

Why do you keep focusing on the negative? Why not focus on the fact that HE LIKED YOU and felt rejected?

May 15, 2012

I am trying really hard to not give all the fvks, but I'm just really struggling with getting over the idea that a good friend hates me...

First of all, is this guy really a "good friend"? How has he been a good friend to you?

Secondly, it seems that he has appalling social skills, wanted you to pursue him, and tried to make himself more attractive to you by bragging about other girls. And when you didn't respond as he'd hoped (throwing yourself at him), he got mad.

May 15, 2012

Why do you keep focusing on the negative? Why not focus on the fact that HE LIKED YOU and felt rejected?

I think I'm focusing on it because LOOK what happened! Him (supposedly) liking me resulted in nothing but drama and angst, on both sides it seems. It doesn't seem like it's a good thing... He certainly didn't like me enough to pursue me very much, and now I feel to blame for a friendship ending.

If THIS is what "liking someone" looks like... thinking someone wasn't interested and was just a good friend, and then being ripped apart by their girlfriend and ignored (as he still hasn't responded)... then maybe I'm actually glad guys liking me IS such a rare event!

May 15, 2012

Outcomes cannot be the sole criterion to judge yourself V.

May 15, 2012

And how much would of been enough? Braking your door down?

How bout: not flirting with my friend, not bragging about all the girls that want to do him, and not taking 2 months to actually ask me out?

Outcomes cannot be the sole criterion to judge yourself V.

Then what should be? Why not judge on outcomes?

May 15, 2012

I think I'm focusing on it because LOOK what happened! Him (supposedly) liking me resulted in nothing but drama and angst, on both sides it seems. It doesn't seem like it's a good thing... He certainly didn't like me enough to pursue me very much, and now I feel to blame for a friendship ending.

If THIS is what "liking someone" looks like... thinking someone wasn't interested and was just a good friend, and then being ripped apart by their girlfriend and ignored (as he still hasn't responded)... then maybe I'm actually glad guys liking me IS such a rare event!

You need to make some friends with better social skills.

This is what "liking someone" looks like in 7th grade, or the emotional equivalent.

And again, how is this a good friend? A good friend can be counted on for support, encouragement, and understanding. Does that describe your time with him?

May 15, 2012

He flirted with his ex-gf (my good friend) in front of me the first three times. (Tickling each other, cuddling, ignoring me, that sort of thing.) I'd told my friend I was interested in him, and I'd been hard-core flirting with him up until then. I stormed off the first time, and the 2nd and 3rd times I just resolved myself to deal with it. By then, I'd decided (rightfully, eh?) that he wasn't into me, and I should get over him.

The fourth time he invited me out for a movie, then talked about how all these girls are throwing themselves at him, and how he has SO many female friends that wanted to sleep with him. Seriously, we're standing ALONE in a parking lot late at night, just us, me trying to be all flirty, and he's talking about other girls. That was kinda the last "attraction" straw for me.

It wasn't until about two or three months after we'd met that he finally said he liked me. By then, though, I'd done such a good job getting over him that it was too hard to put myself out there again ... my pride was way too wounded, and there had been such drama between him, me, and my friend. I did really try... I'd been SO into him when I met him, and I still rather was, but with my insecurity issues, it was just too much to overcome.

Just a major bummer it should come to this.

Its no loss. He didn't have the balls to be honest about what he wanted and decided to play the game of making you jealous so maybe you would be into him. I say he probably was really into you and felt he wanted to be more. If he wasn't he wouldn't have went great lengths to make you jealous. Maybe its time you not talk to sci fi con guys for a while and try new places to meet men

May 15, 2012

How bout: not flirting with my friend, not bragging about all the girls that want to do him, and not taking 2 months to actually ask me out?

Definitely trying to impress you/make you jealous so you will go for him.....

Then what should be? Why not judge on outcomes?

Because you become outcome dependent, and a bad outcome will crush you, when it really should not.

May 15, 2012

I think I'm focusing on it because LOOK what happened! Him (supposedly) liking me resulted in nothing but drama and angst, on both sides it seems. It doesn't seem like it's a good thing... He certainly didn't like me enough to pursue me very much, and now I feel to blame for a friendship ending.

If THIS is what "liking someone" looks like... thinking someone wasn't interested and was just a good friend, and then being ripped apart by their girlfriend and ignored (as he still hasn't responded)... then maybe I'm actually glad guys liking me IS such a rare event!

I think he was scared to come out and say it because he thought you would reject him so he took the immature approach.

May 15, 2012

Does anybody think Kaylan might be right, and it was a female friend he put up to getting rid of me? I am trying really hard to not give all the fvks, but I'm just really struggling with getting over the idea that a good friend hates me...

How old is this guy? 16? Because, seriously, I don't know many adults who would go to such lengths with another adult they merely disliked/hated, especially if contact was already sporadic.

And what makes you so convinced he hates you? It sounds to me like she hates you, but I must have missed the post where you explain how her hating you is the same as him hating you.

Secondly, it seems that he has appalling social skills, wanted you to pursue him, and tried to make himself more attractive to you by bragging about other girls. And when you didn't respond as he'd hoped (throwing yourself at him), he got mad.

This could be true. Maybe he was reading up on PUA skills while trying to seduce V. Perhaps he was trying to be a "jerk" to see how the lady would respond.

And V, you have to stop thinking no men find you attractive. You're likely only making it more complicated for them to approach you. Unless that's what you want... You know, like a storyline from any movie featuring Molly Ringwald (beautiful girl has no idea how lovely she is, so she always misinterprets men and then it's only by miracle that she realizes she's into them too.)

May 15, 2012

You need to make some friends with better social skills.

This is what "liking someone" looks like in 7th grade, or the emotional equivalent.

And again, how is this a good friend? A good friend can be counted on for support, encouragement, and understanding. Does that describe your time with him?

Up until a few months ago, yeah, I'd say very. Since about February, we haven't spoken much, cause he would cancel our hang-outs, but I also figured that was my fault too, for not following up more, and sometimes life is just busy so I didn't think too much of it.

But I guess he was only a good friend up until he got a girlfriend, and then I'm garbage. OR he suddenly decided in the last 3 weeks I needed to be driven off in some spectacular dramatic fashion, which does not seem like him at all.

Just for clarification, a big reason this is bothering me is, I went through most of life willingly dropping friends. I have no friends from before college, because I burned a lot of bridges. Lately, I've been trying to be more tempered, and not set fire to friendships at the drop of a hat. I think that's why this is bothering me so much.... yet another bridge burned.

May 15, 2012

Does anybody think Kaylan might be right, and it was a female friend he put up to getting rid of me? I am trying really hard to not give all the fvks, but I'm just really struggling with getting over the idea that a good friend hates me...

Even if that were true, ever the more reason not to associate yourself with your male friend. If he would go to such great lengths as to have another woman get on the phone, and say what she said to you, that in itself is disturbing.

May 15, 2012

Just for clarification, a big reason this is bothering me is, I went through most of life willingly dropping friends. I have no friends from before college, because I burned a lot of bridges. Lately, I've been trying to be more tempered, and not set fire to friendships at the drop of a hat. I think that's why this is bothering me so much.... yet another bridge burned.

But you didn't burn this one. And from the looks of it, the foundation of his friendship for you was attraction. He was hoping to "make it out of the friendzone ().

Not to mention, you sent him an email right? You've done the mature thing, keeping the bridge open on your side.

Now the ball is in his court. Best you can do is move on.

(Not that this whole episode isn't instructive...)

May 15, 2012

Then what should be? Why not judge on outcomes?

Outcomes matter. Of course they do. But they can't be the only criterion to judge yourself on. You have detailed what issues you had with his behaviour:

How bout: not flirting with my friend, not bragging about all the girls that want to do him, and not taking 2 months to actually ask me out?

You have listed several red flags here. All these things are not under your control. Yet you are acting as if they were. They are not. You are blaming yourself for this guy's stupidity. You are better than that.

Frankly, the worse outcome would have been if you had ended up as his girlfriend. Because he would have fed your insecurities and doubts. Do you think his current girlfriend is happy to act all paranoid? Should she be happy to act all paranoid? I don't think so.

You don't need crappy relationships. No one needs crappy relationships. If the choice is between a crappy relationship or being single, you are better of single, since then you will have a chance to work on yourself and your own issues, and work towards attaining your goals.

May 15, 2012

Up until a few months ago, yeah, I'd say very. Since about February, we haven't spoken much, cause he would cancel our hang-outs, but I also figured that was my fault too, for not following up more, and sometimes life is just busy so I didn't think too much of it.

But I guess he was only a good friend up until he got a girlfriend, and then I'm garbage. OR he suddenly decided in the last 3 weeks I needed to be driven off in some spectacular dramatic fashion, which does not seem like him at all.

Just for clarification, a big reason this is bothering me is, I went through most of life willingly dropping friends. I have no friends from before college, because I burned a lot of bridges. Lately, I've been trying to be more tempered, and not set fire to friendships at the drop of a hat. I think that's why this is bothering me so much.... yet another bridge burned.

No bridge burned here. Its probably some woman into him that is insecure. She sees you as a threat and is trying to burn the bridge. Damn you got women hatin on you.

May 15, 2012

But you didn't burn this one. And from the looks of it, the foundation of his friendship for you was attraction. He was hoping to "make it out of the friendzone ().

Not to mention, you sent him an email right? You've done the mature thing, keeping the bridge open on your side.

Now the ball is in his court. Best you can do is move on.

(Not that this whole episode isn't instructive...)

Hmm that's true about me leaving the bridge open. Pisses me off, though, if the entire basis of the friendship was attracted, when he DIDN'T act that attracted to me. The whole irony of this situation is that if he had acted interesting in me from the beginning, I would have thrown myself at him. I was so incredibly smitten with him... that's what makes this extra frustrating.

Haha what exactly should I take away from this whole episode? B*tches be crazy?

May 15, 2012

Haha what exactly should I take away from this whole episode? B*tches be crazy?

The take away: Men can and have been attracted to you.

(Note: it doesn't mean they're actually right for you, or mature.)

Once you manage to live with the possibility of men being attracted to you, we'll work on how you can go about

Being approachable / Receptive to their advances
Establishing a relationship where you expect the man to be attracted to you. (I know this one is a foreign concept for you, but for now, just work with the thought that Men can be attracted to you.)

May 15, 2012

Hmm that's true about me leaving the bridge open. Pisses me off, though, if the entire basis of the friendship was attracted, when he DIDN'T act that attracted to me. The whole irony of this situation is that if he had acted interesting in me from the beginning, I would have thrown myself at him. I was so incredibly smitten with him... that's what makes this extra frustrating.

Haha what exactly should I take away from this whole episode? B*tches be crazy?

That there are guys so into you they do crazy things so you would be into them.

May 15, 2012

Why would the take-away be about the other girl?

You and your friend failed to recognize, express, and act upon your mutual attraction before she came along.

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