Katyerine8993 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I'm currently dating a great guy. I can really see him and I becoming serious, but there is a big age gap. I'm 19 and he is 39. That doesn't really bother me, but he has a son who is 16 turning 17. I'll admit, it's so awkward coming over to his house with his son around. It is really bothering me that his kid is only 2 years younger than me. I don't want to stop dating a great guy because he has a son, but I dont know what to do. Should I stop dating him? I really need some advice. Thanks
WhiteChocolate Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Oh dear... What do you see in the future with this guy? Either you don't care about getting married or having children of your own and hope to somehow stay with him... Or most likely, you will break up and all this awkwardness could be spared. Also, it's one thing when a 40 y.o meets a 60 y.o. But it is a bit awkward when his son is almost as old as you. If I were you, I'd think about what you want out of life. Who do you want as a life partner? And decide from there. You never know, this could end well. 2
FrustratedStandards Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I've been in your situation before. You have to realize that it will always be awkward when you are around his son. Eventually though you will realize you don't want him, you will realize that you want someone closer to your age. That is exactly what happened to me, yet I was inlove with this man who was almost twice my age at the time. I say go for it, learn from it, have an experience. You will be heartbroken in the end (both of you) but I can't say that you won't come out happy you tried it out anyways. 3
dasein Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 OK we have had a couple of even tempered responses full of good advice, so expect the pedo/abuse contingent will be coming along shortly to tell OP how miserable and emotionally victimized she has been and make the thread all about the older guy, his motives, and skip right over OP's question. OP, since you ask about interaction with the son, it's going to be awkward. If you are bound and determined to continue with this level of age gap, would just subtly steer clear of being around the son when you can until you and the guy have been dating a good long time. Good luck. 1
wow04 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Only you can answer if you are comfortable with this or not. My boyfriend is 12 years older than me and has a granddaughter. I am only 30 and the thought of grandkids scared me. It only scared me because I was afraid of what other people would think. I didn't admit that at first, because I didn't know that was why. After I looked into it, I realized I once again was worried what other people would think. With the age gap there are other things you need to look at. Do you want kids of your own? If so, does he want more? I wish you the best of luck!!
bean1 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 My mom is 51 and her husband is 26. I am almost 28. So, from the other side of the coin, I think it's absurd and a desperate attempt to remain 'young' while clinging to someone who clearly is going to bugger off one day. 2
Joaquin Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I don't see what the big deal is, unless of course what is actually going on is that you are developing an attraction toward the son. Is that why you feel funny? That could be awkward. 1
Els Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Well, if you genuinely feel the R is right for you... (I personally think such arrangements rarely are, but this judgement call is entirely for you to make) Then you'll need to accept that there will be inherently unpleasant aspects of it that you'll need to deal with. A man of that age is fairly likely to have a kid relatively close to your age. I would suggest getting to know the kid better, forming some sort of rapport with him. It might get better once he gets to know you. If it doesn't, well, you need to decide whether you can put up with this or not.
Author Katyerine8993 Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Oh dear... What do you see in the future with this guy? Either you don't care about getting married or having children of your own and hope to somehow stay with him... Or most likely, you will break up and all this awkwardness could be spared. Also, it's one thing when a 40 y.o meets a 60 y.o. But it is a bit awkward when his son is almost as old as you. If I were you, I'd think about what you want out of life. Who do you want as a life partner? And decide from there. You never know, this could end well. I do want marriage and children, but when I'm in my mid 20s. We kind of spoke about children. He said if we were to get serious he wants kids way before he is 45. Which ruins my mid 20s plan, but I don't know if I can be a step mother to his son. He is just too close to my age :/
Els Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 How long have you actually been dating? You seem to imply that it's not even 'serious' yet. Leave the marriage and kids worries til later IMO, and cross that bridge if/when it comes. You're not a 30-y-o with a biological clock that's ticking down. You're 19... have you even graduated college yet? Enjoy life and love.
bean1 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Again, coming from the kid's perspective, no, you will never be a 'step-mother' figure, you will always be dad's girlfriend. Even if you were 39, he's too old for that sort of view of you. I think you will have a very hard time being accepted by them. What angers me about this type of situation is that I find it is selfish on the older person's part (yes, my mom is the 'wrong' one to me). Why try to convince someone who young and so free to settle down with someone who is in a different stage of life? Why deprive them of enjoying their youth, 'shopping around' for what they want in life, and rushing them into parenthood? I'm a mom myself, I wouldn't want that for my son or daughter. Ironically the same speech my mom gave me at 22 when I dated a 38 year old. She was right. And then she turned around and did it herself! 3
Author Katyerine8993 Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 How long have you actually been dating? You seem to imply that it's not even 'serious' yet. Leave the marriage and kids worries til later IMO, and cross that bridge if/when it comes. You're not a 30-y-o with a biological clock that's ticking down. You're 19... have you even graduated college yet? Enjoy life and love. Going on 3 months. I still want to see if we share the same values and timelines when it comes to marriage and stuff. Uh no, I'm finishing my freshmen year.
pteromom Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I would move on. I had several relationships with older men when I was your age. When I was 19, I was with a 45 year old (for 3 years). When I was 22, I was with a 38 year old (for 2 years). They were both fun, but there was just nowhere for the relationships to go. We were in different places in our lives, had different goals, and different things we valued. Don't sell out your plan to wait until your mid-20s to have a child. That's a good plan (actually, I'd wait until late 20s or early 30s - enjoy your time being free!) The son is another wrinkle. You'd never be his "step-mother". He'd always view you as a peer. There are lots of great guys out there. Just remember that COMPATIBILITY is very important - not just emotional/physical/sexual, but how your lives line up. 1
Els Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Going on 3 months. I still want to see if we share the same values and timelines when it comes to marriage and stuff. Uh no, I'm finishing my freshmen year. Well, clearly his timeline is different from yours. What do you intend to do about that? Having kids earlier than you really want to is never a good idea.
Author Katyerine8993 Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Again, coming from the kid's perspective, no, you will never be a 'step-mother' figure, you will always be dad's girlfriend. Even if you were 39, he's too old for that sort of view of you. I think you will have a very hard time being accepted by them. What angers me about this type of situation is that I find it is selfish on the older person's part (yes, my mom is the 'wrong' one to me). Why try to convince someone who young and so free to settle down with someone who is in a different stage of life? Why deprive them of enjoying their youth, 'shopping around' for what they want in life, and rushing them into parenthood? I'm a mom myself, I wouldn't want that for my son or daughter. Ironically the same speech my mom gave me at 22 when I dated a 38 year old. She was right. And then she turned around and did it herself! I don't believe he will ruin my "youth" but I see your point about the dad's girlfriend thing.
Author Katyerine8993 Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Well, clearly his timeline is different from yours. What do you intend to do about that? Having kids earlier than you really want to is never a good idea. I really want to stick with my plans, but if I have to bend my plans because I feel in love with him, then I would have children a little younger.
GorillaTheater Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I really want to stick with my plans, but if I have to bend my plans because I feel in love with him, then I would have children a little younger. I think you need to slow down. 19 or 49, three months is not long enough to start making plans involving a lifetime commitment. Relax, see how things develop. 3
Els Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I really want to stick with my plans, but if I have to bend my plans because I feel in love with him, then I would have children a little younger. Really not a good idea at that age, hon. Having children when you're not ready is not the same thing as, say, having sex when you're not ready. The latter feels crappy at first, but eventually you heal and get over it. Children stay with you for 18 years, often more. You can't un-beget them if you change your mind.
Author Katyerine8993 Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 I think you need to slow down. 19 or 49, three months is not long enough to start making plans involving a lifetime commitment. Relax, see how things develop. LOL yeah, I think I'm just getting far too ahead of myself. I'm just apprehensive, so I need a plan in advance to make it work
GorillaTheater Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I'm just apprehensive, so I need a plan in advance to make it work Your plan should definitely include making his son call you "mom".
pteromom Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 LOL yeah, I think I'm just getting far too ahead of myself. I'm just apprehensive, so I need a plan in advance to make it work If you are having to plan how to change your life and plans to fit his, that is already a huge red flag. 3
reptilelover88 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 If you are having to plan how to change your life and plans to fit his, that is already a huge red flag. Agreed. Please don't change your important, unique life plans for ANY man. You'll either end up breaking up and then feeling like you were used and walked all over - or you'll end up together but resenting him anyway. Speaking as a 22-year-old who has decided to hold back from dating for a while, I keep finding out how little I know, how much I still have to grow as a person, and how much I still have no idea who I actually am deep down (even though I've almost finished college now and have travelled all over the world)! Whether you stay with this older guy or not, you have to be you before you can start making such big life plans. 3
stillafool Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 OP, if you are going to maintain a relationship with this guy you will just have to get over it. His son is there forever. 1
pteromom Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I really cant imagine what a 39 year old could see in a 19 year old other than pedophile like fantasies. Im not saying anything is wrong with you but you are just starting your life, and he is well into his. The truth is you wont last and he needs help. I don't necessarily agree with this. Neither of my older boyfriends were pedophiles.... the first was just VERY immature (in a band, still didn't have a "real" job, etc), and the second - well, we just connected. 2
pteromom Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 When I was 19, I was with a 45 year old (for 3 years). When I was 22, I was with a 38 year old (for 2 years).
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