EricaH329 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I have a close friend that i've known for a few years now, who I just recently started believing has Borderline Personality Disorder. It's been an extremely difficult relationship to maintain. It's very exhausting, frustrating, and helpless. My question is: What can I do to help him? I'm not a doctor or anything, so I know I can't give him any real help, but I feel like I can't keep enabling him to act this way. I've just sent him an e-mail regarding this. I did not bring up the fact that he more than likely has BPD. Instead, I gave him specific examples of the way he acts and explained to him how they make me feel. I feel like that's my last hope. I've exhausted all other options, including not being his friend anymore. I have a feeling things are only going to get worse if someone doesn't do something soon. Anyone have any advice or experience with this? It would be greatly appreciated!!
d'Arthez Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 If people refuse to address their issues, there is not much more you can do than pointing out their issues, and withdraw from said person. If you won't withdraw, you'll be enabling them. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they can admit to themselves they have a problem and need help for it.
Christine52 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I have a close friend that i've known for a few years now, who I just recently started believing has Borderline Personality Disorder. It's been an extremely difficult relationship to maintain. It's very exhausting, frustrating, and helpless. My question is: What can I do to help him? I'm not a doctor or anything, so I know I can't give him any real help, but I feel like I can't keep enabling him to act this way. I've just sent him an e-mail regarding this. I did not bring up the fact that he more than likely has BPD. Instead, I gave him specific examples of the way he acts and explained to him how they make me feel. I feel like that's my last hope. I've exhausted all other options, including not being his friend anymore. I have a feeling things are only going to get worse if someone doesn't do something soon. Anyone have any advice or experience with this? It would be greatly appreciated!! BPD is a very serious problem. I have a family member who suffered from it. It's definitely treatable with medication and treatment. There is a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that you need to read. Also, understand that the BEST thing you can do for them is to encourage them to seek help, even if it means driving them to their appointment. BPDs are notorious for refusing to seek help - once you get past this stage, it won't get much easier, but it'd be an enormous achievement. Being in a close relationship with someone with BPD can deteriorate your mental health as well. Many therapists will recommend you seek counesling as well, as those with BPD will often manipulate, and put you down to test if their fears of being unloved are true. Non-BPDs (such as yourself) must tread carefully, and NEVER take what they say personally, as what they say can be extremely damaging and hurtful to you. 1
Author EricaH329 Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 If people refuse to address their issues' date=' there is not much more you can do than pointing out their issues, and withdraw from said person. If you won't withdraw, you'll be enabling them. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they can admit to themselves they have a problem and need help for it.[/quote'] That's exactly why i've decided to write him a long e-mail, pointing out his inconsistencies so he can logically come to the conclusion himself that he may have an issue worth recognizing. I'm *hoping* this will work. His family has been e-mailing me a lot lately explaining how worried they are about him. I tried to explain that his actions are not only affecting himself, but his family as well. If this does not work, I will be forced into cutting him out of my life. I can't continue to enable his behavior by remaining a good friend to him. It isn't fair to either of us. BPD is a very serious problem. I have a family member who suffered from it. It's definitely treatable with medication and treatment. There is a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that you need to read. Also, understand that the BEST thing you can do for them is to encourage them to seek help, even if it means driving them to their appointment. BPDs are notorious for refusing to seek help - once you get past this stage, it won't get much easier, but it'd be an enormous achievement. Being in a close relationship with someone with BPD can deteriorate your mental health as well. Many therapists will recommend you seek counesling as well, as those with BPD will often manipulate, and put you down to test if their fears of being unloved are true. Non-BPDs (such as yourself) must tread carefully, and NEVER take what they say personally, as what they say can be extremely damaging and hurtful to you. You're absolutely right. At first, I did take offense to it because I didn't realize the type of person he was. Now, however, it shows a great deal about him and the lack of progress he has made. I did not point out that he has BPD, i'm sure you're aware of how angry it would have made him, but I did use many examples that led up to it. So that he can come to that conclusion on his own. He has done a TON of manipulation, among other things, to me. He is currently in the middle of trying to manipulate me and I refuse to allow it to happen any longer. Which is why I started this thread seeking help, and why I wrote him the e-mail that I did. I cannot let him consume me the way he has these last 3 years. It's too chaotic. What's worse, is that I know he has the best intentions. I know he doesn't do this willingly, or knowingly. I honestly hope he gets the help he needs so that he can become the person I *know* he is. I will have to check out that book. Just the title alone gives me chills! Thank you so much!!
KathyM Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 If you have concerns that something is not right with him, as a friend you should tell him that you're concerned about some things that you've noticed, and you think it might be helpful for him to talk to a professional about it. Suggest that he call a counselor, and let him know that it's often helpful to talk to someone who has an understanding of issues he might be going through. Urge him to talk to a professional. That's really all you can do.
Christine52 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 What's worse, is that I know he has the best intentions. I know he doesn't do this willingly, or knowingly. I honestly hope he gets the help he needs so that he can become the person I *know* he is. I really feel your pain, and know how heartbreaking it is. They become so enraged, and you can really see all the pain they're going through. A lot of sufferers just need reassurance you love them. What worked with my sister is when they pick a fight with you, just let them say their bit. Pause. Set down the boundary and tell them you won't accept their behaviour and how they're speaking to you, and demand they treat you with more respect. Then, let them know how much they mean to you, how much you care about them, and give them a hug. They're in so much pain, and many of them think of committing suicide, so they need a LOT of reassurance as they're constantly thinking they're essentially worthless, which is not true.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 If you have concerns that something is not right with him, as a friend you should tell him that you're concerned about some things that you've noticed, and you think it might be helpful for him to talk to a professional about it. Suggest that he call a counselor, and let him know that it's often helpful to talk to someone who has an understanding of issues he might be going through. Urge him to talk to a professional. That's really all you can do. You're right. That's all that I can hope for. I truly hope he understands how much I care about him and only want to see him get better. His friends and family all come to me about this, because they know i'm held highly to him. Although, I don't know if it's high enough to realize he has an issue. I can only hope i'm able to get through to him. I really feel your pain, and know how heartbreaking it is. They become so enraged, and you can really see all the pain they're going through. A lot of sufferers just need reassurance you love them. What worked with my sister is when they pick a fight with you, just let them say their bit. Pause. Set down the boundary and tell them you won't accept their behaviour and how they're speaking to you, and demand they treat you with more respect. Then, let them know how much they mean to you, how much you care about them, and give them a hug. They're in so much pain, and many of them think of committing suicide, so they need a LOT of reassurance as they're constantly thinking they're essentially worthless, which is not true. That's exactly what it is! He feels as though no one cares about him. He finds all the flaws in everyone else, and focuses on those, and believes he is the one doing everything right and everyone else is treating him poorly because they have major issues and just don't care about him. He calls others 'selfish' a lot. Thankfully, he has never once brought up the idea of suicide to me... but that does not mean he doesn't think it. I hope to god that's not the case. He has been doing drugs and drinking alcohol since i've known him though, which only exasperate this issue. I've tried to make it very clear in the e-mail that I am not attacking him. That I love and care about him, and i'm worried. I want him to become this person that I know he is, and without recognizing the issues that he has, that will never happen. I feel like if he decides that this isn't something he would like to acknowledge, then as much as I love him, I just can't be around it any longer. I can't continue to put myself through this anymore. It's heartbreaking to me, and it's just another unstable aspect of my life that I really can't handle right now. He's lost friends over this already, i'd hate to see him lose another. But this is his doing. I'm giving him the option at this point.
Christine52 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 You're right. That's all that I can hope for. I truly hope he understands how much I care about him and only want to see him get better. His friends and family all come to me about this, because they know i'm held highly to him. Although, I don't know if it's high enough to realize he has an issue. I can only hope i'm able to get through to him. That's exactly what it is! He feels as though no one cares about him. He finds all the flaws in everyone else, and focuses on those, and believes he is the one doing everything right and everyone else is treating him poorly because they have major issues and just don't care about him. He calls others 'selfish' a lot. Thankfully, he has never once brought up the idea of suicide to me... but that does not mean he doesn't think it. I hope to god that's not the case. He has been doing drugs and drinking alcohol since i've known him though, which only exasperate this issue. I've tried to make it very clear in the e-mail that I am not attacking him. That I love and care about him, and i'm worried. I want him to become this person that I know he is, and without recognizing the issues that he has, that will never happen. I feel like if he decides that this isn't something he would like to acknowledge, then as much as I love him, I just can't be around it any longer. I can't continue to put myself through this anymore. It's heartbreaking to me, and it's just another unstable aspect of my life that I really can't handle right now. He's lost friends over this already, i'd hate to see him lose another. But this is his doing. I'm giving him the option at this point. That is very classic BPD, pointing out the flaws of others, and telling them they are selfish, worthless, and so forth. They are basically vocalizing or projecting what they think about themselves onto others. This is classic splitting, where they will see you as an angel for one minute, and then a demon the next. It's confusing because the next day they act like nothing happened and are nice to you. It's extremely painful for you, and I am so proud of you for sticking through this all these years. Separating from a BPD is a very hard decision, and one that even family members have difficulty thinking through. Certainly, no one would blame you if you decided to keep a distance from him. It is EXTREMELY hard, and many people cannot understand how hard it really is. I hope you do what you feel is right, and at the end of the day, have your priorities always in order, and never give those up. 1
threebyfate Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Something you might want to read about BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD):"It'll Make You Crazy" - grif - - Open Salon 1
Feelin Frisky Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Hi EricaH329. BPD could be thought of as multiple-personality disorder LITE. Or "extreme denial disease". This was my experience with my one-time fiance and I had no knowledge of the syndrome or of the truth related in Christine52's post that the sanity of someone in a relationship with a sufferer's insanity is also in peril. How I wish I would have known these things because my life was set on a trajectory starting with that relationship that had me lose everything and never recover the image or the wealth I'd lost--although I have recovered my sobriety. I went with I'll call her "D" for a month in which we seemed like she would be it for me. In the previous years I had obesity and loneliness issues I has worked hard to conquer and was at my peak of looks as an adult and was in night school and D was in my class. After dating and going nuts for each other for a month or two, we had to bring a stamped self-address envelope in so our Professor could send us our marked term papers. She said she'd take care of mine as well as hers. So, class comes and she gives me this great big manila envelope with a regular letter size stamp on it. And she put my address as both the recipient and the return address. I was grateful but I wondered allowed if the postage would be enough--especially considering that it could look like one were tying to just get over by using the same as both addresses. Until this time we never uttered a word in anger or anything like it to each other. Suddenly out of her mouth came this sullen voice that said "if you don't want the fu_king thing, don't take it!" My jaw hit the floor. I was absolutely shocked. I was nothing but polite and decent in my way of talking to her and had a legitimate concern that could be fixed by just holding back the envelope until next time and putting an extra stamp on it. But she took all the relationship honeymoon feeling or cloud-walking we had been on and chucked it away like a demon from hell. We both went to the subway but I was so freaked out by it, I wouldn't even walk with her. I just looked at her like "who are you?" and what on Earth makes you think that that is acceptable to speak to me that way?" Within the next few months at times of uncertainty about anything I might have meant which could have been genuine or some kind of put down, no matter how else I was treating her with love and tenderness, she'd instantly assume the worst and not ask me what I meant, she'd fire off at mean her assumption and her nasty and hateful reaction. I couldn't reconcile this. And this is when my sanity started to be my own undoing. I would constantly try to use sane logic when I had no idea there was no sanity to it. She had the "complex" now known as BPD. The pattern progress that she would turn all of our parties and dates and holidays into fiascoes and betrayals of my trusts and then seem to invent a personality that "didn't remember" or claimed innocence. Our relationship got violent when she accused me of trying to drown her while riding the waves in at the beach (guy and their g/fs do that all the time without anyone getting bent out of shape). She worked herself up in this state of paranoia that while I was laying down on a beach chair with my eyes closed getting a tan, she punched me in the eye socket. I reacted violently in outrage and slapped her face. This could not go on. I had tried, broken up, gotten back together, several times over two years and had enough. I asked her mother if I could speak to her alone one afternoon while D was working and I had off. Her mother admitted D was divorced and that she had put another guy through the same nonsense and that they went to counselling to no avail. I don't know if there is medicine for it now that really works as this was quite a few years ago, but if there is medicine it must also involve therapy in which this person must accept responsibility for the wrongs they cause--for the trusts they betray, for the innocent lovers whose lives they have scarred. After my experience and looking back I don't thin D was capable of cure. Her brother painted a portrait of her as a child and captured the precise look of a troubled young lady who seemed to be encased in an aura of toxicity.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 That is very classic BPD, pointing out the flaws of others, and telling them they are selfish, worthless, and so forth. They are basically vocalizing or projecting what they think about themselves onto others. This is classic splitting, where they will see you as an angel for one minute, and then a demon the next. It's confusing because the next day they act like nothing happened and are nice to you. It's extremely painful for you, and I am so proud of you for sticking through this all these years. Separating from a BPD is a very hard decision, and one that even family members have difficulty thinking through. Certainly, no one would blame you if you decided to keep a distance from him. It is EXTREMELY hard, and many people cannot understand how hard it really is. I hope you do what you feel is right, and at the end of the day, have your priorities always in order, and never give those up. Thank you so much for your kind words! This is a very difficult time. And you are exactly right. One minute he expresses his undying love for me, and the next he wants nothing else to do with me. He makes promises that he never follows through with. And after all of this, he acts as though he can't remember being any other way. I pointed specific examples out to him in the e-mail, so that his memory can come back to him. It's so bizarre to me that one minute he can feel such deep love and affection, and the next, such anger. Over nothing. And when I try to ask him why he felt such love for me just a minute earlier, he tells me he cannot recall that at all. And then proceeds to get angry at me because i'm 'lying' to him. When we get into arguments, he tells me that I never cared about him and i'm always so selfish and I never think about him. I always thought this is just who he was, until a little bit ago when I realized this is getting to the extreme. This can't be normal. And i've found out it isn't. I can only hope he realizes what I have, and chooses to get out of his denial and accept it. Something you might want to read about BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD):"It'll Make You Crazy" - grif - - Open Salon Thank you so much TBF. I'll be honest, I only read the first half of it because I ended up crying. My heart dropped the minute I started reading it. It's all so very familiar. It brings up a lot of emotions for me. I so very much appreciate this link, but I feel I may need to re-visit it. Or perhaps, even send it to my friend so he can take a look at it. FeelinFrisky - I'm so sorry you went through this as well!! It sounds like what you went through was horrific! I completely understand, and relate, to the pain you endured. Thankfully, my friend isn't physically violent towards me. But he is equally as emotionally abusive. The part where you mentioned that she 'doesn't remember acting a certain way' is *exactly* how I feel. He never remembers being angry, and he never remembers being loving. He also never remembers the promises he makes to me, and others. We are always the ones at fault. It's never him. I don't know how you got over someone like this, but if you have any tips, please feel free. I very deeply care for him and it's going to be tough to pull myself away.
pink_sugar Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I have a friend who I think might have bi-polar disorder and it's tough because I never know what mood she will be in or how she will respond to the most simple things on some days. On the days I seem to hit a nerve, I just give her some space. I've come to accept it more, but I used to take it more personally before.
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