Sub Dude Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Hello Out There. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I had posted before a few months ago. Been in pain for months. Would like totell the story again now that its sank in and I have more info...[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So there I was....18 and joined the military. Had gone out with this girl inhigh school for a little bit. Don't know why it ended....think it was cuz I wasa senior and wanted to be free at that age.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Came back from boot camp and we met again and started going out. We weretogether for 4 months when I left on a 6 month deployment. She stayed with me. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I came home...now 19. I was a stupid kid I guess. I got all wasted at aparty and something happened. I pushed her in front of a lot of people. So notme....those college parties served that grain alcohol concoction....**** ispersonality changing. That was not me. Never laid a hand since or ever eventhought about it. I know it was a really horrible thing to do. I was/still amso sorry. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]She was a quiet girl. Didn't seem to have fun when we went out to party. Iwas partying with my friends from high school (was stationed close to home) andenjoyed the free time I had. I was with her all the time. We slept together ather rents house. They thought I was a good guy going somewhere so they let mecrash there even though I had a place to stay on base. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So she didn't come to all the parties. I needed some man time so I would goout without her sometimes. Perfectly normal in my opinion. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So we go on....I'm in and out with the military. We stay close. I was inlove and I think she was too. She told me she was anyways. We were alwaystogether. The parties faded. Movies and dinner were a frequent thing. Hung outwith my military friends and their wives and we always had fun. I bought herstuff. I think aside from that pushing incident I was a good bf.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I ended up cheating on her once before I left on the second deployment.Cheated with some random girl at a party. I was hammered. Yea I drank too muchin those days. So I was 21 when that happened. Left on a second deployment inOct 2002. She said she'd stay, we talked about it and the future. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I leave. Supposed to be home in March. Got extended til April cuz my unitwas involved in the beginning of the war with Iraq. It really sucked. I spentalmost 3 months with no contact with the outside world except email which wasspotty. I was on a submarine. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]All the places I have been in this world, watching people cheat in foreignlands....I never did. Hookers aren't me...better morals than that and I reallyjust wanted her. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Bout a month before I came home I was having some quality time with myselfin bed. Noticed a one little bump on my dick. Hit port and went and got checkedout. Embarrased, ashamed and mortified....they tell me I have HPV. I amshocked. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Wow....the guy who's only really been with my girl aside from the mistake atthe party......the mistake I made at a party with no rubber and I'm now taintedgoods. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I had a girl in early high school but sex was odd then and when we did havesex it was awkward and we used rubbers. Did a friends sister before boot campbut I was 17 and she was 15. Only had anal with her. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So my sex life has in my opinion been lame. Me and my girl had great sex andI can say she was honestly my first real sex.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I come home from the 2nd deployment confused. I am so not sure of whathappened to me. I was thinkin I was misdiagnosed by a quack. These people weredefinitely not like doctors in the civilian world. More like educated guessers.There was one barely visible pin head sized bump. The girl I did at the partywhile drunk….yea come to find out she was like 15. I was 21. I was and amashamed. I was that drunk. She mauled me and was makin me feel like I wassomething. I didn’t get that feeling in my life very much. I guess that’s why Isuccumbed to it.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So I come home and tell my girl right off that bat…I may have something. Ilied a lil and said they didn’t know/wasn’t sure what it was. I was thinkin itcoulda been some odd growth. How could a 15 year old girl have HPV is what Itold myself. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]She says I don’t care, I’ll get what ever you have. And we go on. She askedme if I cheated while I was gone and I said no. And I didn’t. I ask her and shesays she stayed mine. Two weeks after I’m home she says her vag was hurtin. Shegoes to doc and tells me she has herpes. I’m like WTF! That’s def not what theytold me I had but I was still so very unsure. She assures me she didn’t cheatwhile I was gone. I feel now we are both misdiagnosed. I was so confused, youngand stupid.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]She had it for a month. That was a bad month. I never went and got tested. Didn’tthink I need to although now as a 30 year old I know I was so stupid.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We had talked of moving in a lot in email and letters while I was gone. Welooked at rentals, found one and signed a lease. I left for a month, came homeand we moved in the day I got home. Life seemed very good. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We enjoyed living together for about 9 months. Lease was going to be up andI was getting out of military FINALLY! We looked at apartments. She was goingoff birth control to lose some weight she had gained. I was cool with it….saidwe’d pull out or whatever. LOL. Yea you know how that goes. About 3 weeksbefore I get out, she calls and says shes pregnant. I was mortified. Freedomwas finally going to be mine….I was 22 and definitely did not want kids. Shewouldn’t hear of abortion. She was adopted so I’m sure her mom drilled into herhead that was a huge no no. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Finally after a week of fighting I called my dad who was the best crisis managementthere ever was. He tells me he knew she was the one for me and it was gonna be the best thing in mylife. Boy was he right. I have a 7-1/2 year old son who is my world. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So I agree we will do this. So unprepared for it…but still we were gonna goahead and do it. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Back to partying I was….felt I had 9 months before I wouldn’t be able to doanything I really wanted to ….after 5 years of military service I felt I deservedsome freedom. Was very angry at the time…at her, myself and just how it was allunfolding….so I partied. She couldn’t but came with. I was looking for a job.We were poor. Life got very stressful. We made it work though. I finally foundwork and work I did to make sure everything was taken care of. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I guess I wasn’t very good to her during that pregnancy. Wasn’t the man Ishoulda been. But like I said….saw freedom and it was taken away at a youngage.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We moved basically once a year from rental to rental for 5 years. She worked2[/sIZE][sIZE=2]nd[/sIZE][sIZE=3] shift and I worked days. Life wasn’t great….didn’t see eachother much. She wasn’t very domesticated. She was definitely unhappy/depressedduring preg (prolly some of it my fault) and def wasn’t a super great mom forawhile after. Didn’t do much with the baby. No walks, no happy silly play. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I would see other woman with their kids and be all happy and lovingmotherhood and often wondered…why isn’t it like that for me? Why isn’t shehappy?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We had lack of communication. I never let her know how unhappy I was withher. Not a great mom and got over weight and never did any kind of exercise ordiet. Lookin back on it, she prolly had post partum depression…..for awhile.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I get a better job. Money gets better. We move to what seems to be a greatspot. She still works 2[/sIZE][sIZE=2]nd[/sIZE][sIZE=3] shift. All of a sudden, my dad kills himself. That’s another story. But thatkilled me. I lost it. She was there for me. We move back to my parents house tokeep mom company and fix the house up. I get a better job and now make goodmoney. After a year of living there…weneed space. Mom decided she didn’t wanna live there anymore. House wasdepressing. So we rent it for a year. Now we been together for like 8 years andbeen through a lot together. Marriage had always been on my mind. Hers too.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So I propose winter of 2008. She says yes. Life is good. Got married in fallof 2009. Got pregnant again, this time it was planned. Had a baby girl. Boughta house in winter 2010. Fixed it up nice. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]In January she says her area is bothering her. I had told myself the herpesmust be from me and it had happened a total of 4 times. Hasn’t happened since2006. But I said then, if it happenens again I have to come clean. Can’t hide**** anymore. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So I tell her, I cheated before I left on first deployment….it all came out.She fires back with I cheated after you came home cuz the herpes was proof youdid me wrong. Worked with this black guy. It was him. I was crushed it was ablack guy. They are known to be hung and I can’t say that I am at all. Alwaysbeen a little self conscious in that department. Feel inadequate. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Start drilling her. Long story short….she lied to me for a month straight. Iinterrogate and squeeze her for info.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]She cheated like 6 months before I left on 2[/sIZE][sIZE=2]nd[/sIZE][sIZE=3] deployment! BeforeI had. She says she had doubts about how I was at parties and thought I wascheating. Did it to protect herself. She says it didn’t happen again til Ileft. Then it happened like 12 times while I was off at war. And then twicemore cuz of herpes, but that was after we signed the lease to move in. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Now, I have always paid all the bills since we moved in. She never wentcollege and always worked an ok job. I am the bread winner and never had a probwith that. Baby is a year old and she has done a much better job this timearound. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]If I did have HPV it never ever came back. I never had herpes symptoms ever.We just went and got tested. Both test positive for HSV-1 which is the coldsore kind, not the genital kind, but one can cause the other. Very confusingvirus. I can’t imagine I got 2 stds from a 15 year old girl. But she definitelygot it 2 weeks after I came home. That’s what just about every doc or websitesays it takes to get from time of exposure. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Shes convinced it came from me. Maybe it did, who knows. What I do know is Ifeel like she stepped out on me when it really counted. With a black guynonetheless. Says he wasn’t hot, didn’t do it for her. Always had sex in acloset at work and went to a motel once. She was 20-21. We are now 30. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I feel like I married a whore. I feel like she doesn’t deserve me. After allthe years of not being totally happy, cheating and not being a great mom.Always loving, just not a motherish person.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I feel like cheating on her. I feel like finding that dude and beating himbadly. I think I would leave if we didn’t have two small kids. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Yes I lied about my std when I got back but I didn’t want to lose her. Ihonestly never thought she would cheat and that’s why I stayed with her while Iwas in military. She was quiet. A seemingly loyal person. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]What do I do? I need therapy. We have fought lots. She has told me she wasinsecure. That I made her feel like she wasn’t good enough. Had fears I wouldleave when I came home. All this ****. I feel like the white guy who married agirl who liked a black man. Say what you want about the race but it matters tome. Says the sex was awkward and no good. But it happened at least 12 times. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]She says shes all out with it now….but part of me thinks she doesn’t wannasay any more cuz she thinks I’ll leave.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So sad, depressed, angry…..what do you all think about this?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We have been to marriage counseling. Basically tell me I need to let the past go. Hard to do when you find out your life has been a lie. Seen a shrink on my own...lookin for a new one as he just listened and never talked. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We have been closer since all this came out. Which is odd. We do love each other. Thats obvious to everyone. I just don't know if its enough for me. I am not a forgiving person. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]
Author Sub Dude Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Damn it. I pasted that in from Word. Clearly it didn't come out right. Any chance a mod can fix that? Argh. Took forever to type
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) Search and replace can work wonders Your post: (I haven't read it yet) Hello Out There. I had posted before a few months ago. Been in pain for months. Would like totell the story again now that its sank in and I have more info... So there I was....18 and joined the military. Had gone out with this girl inhigh school for a little bit. Don't know why it ended....think it was cuz I wasa senior and wanted to be free at that age. Came back from boot camp and we met again and started going out. We weretogether for 4 months when I left on a 6 month deployment. She stayed with me. I came home...now 19. I was a stupid kid I guess. I got all wasted at aparty and something happened. I pushed her in front of a lot of people. So notme....those college parties served that grain alcohol concoction....**** ispersonality changing. That was not me. Never laid a hand since or ever eventhought about it. I know it was a really horrible thing to do. I was/still amso sorry. She was a quiet girl. Didn't seem to have fun when we went out to party. Iwas partying with my friends from high school (was stationed close to home) andenjoyed the free time I had. I was with her all the time. We slept together ather rents house. They thought I was a good guy going somewhere so they let mecrash there even though I had a place to stay on base. So she didn't come to all the parties. I needed some man time so I would goout without her sometimes. Perfectly normal in my opinion. So we go on....I'm in and out with the military. We stay close. I was inlove and I think she was too. She told me she was anyways. We were alwaystogether. The parties faded. Movies and dinner were a frequent thing. Hung outwith my military friends and their wives and we always had fun. I bought herstuff. I think aside from that pushing incident I was a good bf. I ended up cheating on her once before I left on the second deployment.Cheated with some random girl at a party. I was hammered. Yea I drank too muchin those days. So I was 21 when that happened. Left on a second deployment inOct 2002. She said she'd stay, we talked about it and the future. I leave. Supposed to be home in March. Got extended til April cuz my unitwas involved in the beginning of the war with Iraq. It really sucked. I spentalmost 3 months with no contact with the outside world except email which wasspotty. I was on a submarine. All the places I have been in this world, watching people cheat in foreignlands....I never did. Hookers aren't me...better morals than that and I reallyjust wanted her. Bout a month before I came home I was having some quality time with myselfin bed. Noticed a one little bump on my dick. Hit port and went and got checkedout. Embarrased, ashamed and mortified....they tell me I have HPV. I amshocked. Wow....the guy who's only really been with my girl aside from the mistake atthe party......the mistake I made at a party with no rubber and I'm now taintedgoods. I had a girl in early high school but sex was odd then and when we did havesex it was awkward and we used rubbers. Did a friends sister before boot campbut I was 17 and she was 15. Only had anal with her. So my sex life has in my opinion been lame. Me and my girl had great sex andI can say she was honestly my first real sex. I come home from the 2nd deployment confused. I am so not sure of whathappened to me. I was thinkin I was misdiagnosed by a quack. These people weredefinitely not like doctors in the civilian world. More like educated guessers.There was one barely visible pin head sized bump. The girl I did at the partywhile drunk….yea come to find out she was like 15. I was 21. I was and amashamed. I was that drunk. She mauled me and was makin me feel like I wassomething. I didn’t get that feeling in my life very much. I guess that’s why Isuccumbed to it. So I come home and tell my girl right off that bat…I may have something. Ilied a lil and said they didn’t know/wasn’t sure what it was. I was thinkin itcoulda been some odd growth. How could a 15 year old girl have HPV is what Itold myself. She says I don’t care, I’ll get what ever you have. And we go on. She askedme if I cheated while I was gone and I said no. And I didn’t. I ask her and shesays she stayed mine. Two weeks after I’m home she says her vag was hurtin. Shegoes to doc and tells me she has herpes. I’m like WTF! That’s def not what theytold me I had but I was still so very unsure. She assures me she didn’t cheatwhile I was gone. I feel now we are both misdiagnosed. I was so confused, youngand stupid. She had it for a month. That was a bad month. I never went and got tested. Didn’tthink I need to although now as a 30 year old I know I was so stupid. We had talked of moving in a lot in email and letters while I was gone. Welooked at rentals, found one and signed a lease. I left for a month, came homeand we moved in the day I got home. Life seemed very good. We enjoyed living together for about 9 months. Lease was going to be up andI was getting out of military FINALLY! We looked at apartments. She was goingoff birth control to lose some weight she had gained. I was cool with it….saidwe’d pull out or whatever. LOL. Yea you know how that goes. About 3 weeksbefore I get out, she calls and says shes pregnant. I was mortified. Freedomwas finally going to be mine….I was 22 and definitely did not want kids. Shewouldn’t hear of abortion. She was adopted so I’m sure her mom drilled into herhead that was a huge no no. Finally after a week of fighting I called my dad who was the best crisis managementthere ever was. He tells me he knew she was the one for me and it was gonna be the best thing in mylife. Boy was he right. I have a 7-1/2 year old son who is my world. So I agree we will do this. So unprepared for it…but still we were gonna goahead and do it. Back to partying I was….felt I had 9 months before I wouldn’t be able to doanything I really wanted to ….after 5 years of military service I felt I deservedsome freedom. Was very angry at the time…at her, myself and just how it was allunfolding….so I partied. She couldn’t but came with. I was looking for a job.We were poor. Life got very stressful. We made it work though. I finally foundwork and work I did to make sure everything was taken care of. I guess I wasn’t very good to her during that pregnancy. Wasn’t the man Ishoulda been. But like I said….saw freedom and it was taken away at a youngage. We moved basically once a year from rental to rental for 5 years. She worked2nd shift and I worked days. Life wasn’t great….didn’t see eachother much. She wasn’t very domesticated. She was definitely unhappy/depressedduring preg (prolly some of it my fault) and def wasn’t a super great mom forawhile after. Didn’t do much with the baby. No walks, no happy silly play. I would see other woman with their kids and be all happy and lovingmotherhood and often wondered…why isn’t it like that for me? Why isn’t shehappy? We had lack of communication. I never let her know how unhappy I was withher. Not a great mom and got over weight and never did any kind of exercise ordiet. Lookin back on it, she prolly had post partum depression…..for awhile. I get a better job. Money gets better. We move to what seems to be a greatspot. She still works 2nd shift. All of a sudden, my dad kills himself. That’s another story. But thatkilled me. I lost it. She was there for me. We move back to my parents house tokeep mom company and fix the house up. I get a better job and now make goodmoney. After a year of living there…weneed space. Mom decided she didn’t wanna live there anymore. House wasdepressing. So we rent it for a year. Now we been together for like 8 years andbeen through a lot together. Marriage had always been on my mind. Hers too. So I propose winter of 2008. She says yes. Life is good. Got married in fallof 2009. Got pregnant again, this time it was planned. Had a baby girl. Boughta house in winter 2010. Fixed it up nice. In January she says her area is bothering her. I had told myself the herpesmust be from me and it had happened a total of 4 times. Hasn’t happened since2006. But I said then, if it happenens again I have to come clean. Can’t hide**** anymore. So I tell her, I cheated before I left on first deployment….it all came out.She fires back with I cheated after you came home cuz the herpes was proof youdid me wrong. Worked with this black guy. It was him. I was crushed it was ablack guy. They are known to be hung and I can’t say that I am at all. Alwaysbeen a little self conscious in that department. Feel inadequate. Start drilling her. Long story short….she lied to me for a month straight. Iinterrogate and squeeze her for info. She cheated like 6 months before I left on 2nd deployment! BeforeI had. She says she had doubts about how I was at parties and thought I wascheating. Did it to protect herself. She says it didn’t happen again til Ileft. Then it happened like 12 times while I was off at war. And then twicemore cuz of herpes, but that was after we signed the lease to move in. Now, I have always paid all the bills since we moved in. She never wentcollege and always worked an ok job. I am the bread winner and never had a probwith that. Baby is a year old and she has done a much better job this timearound. If I did have HPV it never ever came back. I never had herpes symptoms ever.We just went and got tested. Both test positive for HSV-1 which is the coldsore kind, not the genital kind, but one can cause the other. Very confusingvirus. I can’t imagine I got 2 stds from a 15 year old girl. But she definitelygot it 2 weeks after I came home. That’s what just about every doc or websitesays it takes to get from time of exposure. Shes convinced it came from me. Maybe it did, who knows. What I do know is Ifeel like she stepped out on me when it really counted. With a black guynonetheless. Says he wasn’t hot, didn’t do it for her. Always had sex in acloset at work and went to a motel once. She was 20-21. We are now 30. I feel like I married a whore. I feel like she doesn’t deserve me. After allthe years of not being totally happy, cheating and not being a great mom.Always loving, just not a motherish person. I feel like cheating on her. I feel like finding that dude and beating himbadly. I think I would leave if we didn’t have two small kids. Yes I lied about my std when I got back but I didn’t want to lose her. Ihonestly never thought she would cheat and that’s why I stayed with her while Iwas in military. She was quiet. A seemingly loyal person. What do I do? I need therapy. We have fought lots. She has told me she wasinsecure. That I made her feel like she wasn’t good enough. Had fears I wouldleave when I came home. All this ****. I feel like the white guy who married agirl who liked a black man. Say what you want about the race but it matters tome. Says the sex was awkward and no good. But it happened at least 12 times. She says shes all out with it now….but part of me thinks she doesn’t wannasay any more cuz she thinks I’ll leave. So sad, depressed, angry…..what do you all think about this? We have been to marriage counseling. Basically tell me I need to let the past go. Hard to do when you find out your life has been a lie. Seen a shrink on my own...lookin for a new one as he just listened and never talked. We have been closer since all this came out. Which is odd. We do love each other. Thats obvious to everyone. I just don't know if its enough for me. I am not a forgiving person. Edited May 14, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Ugh, yeah man I feel for you. Ultimately you have to decide what you can handle...you know your situation better than anyone. You have kids, to me that always is the biggest factor, and you both still claim to love each other. Keep asking yourself what is best for your kids? How is home life? I would probably try to reconcile ®...it's gonna be a long hard road. 2 years is what they say. But...you said she hasn't been a good mother? I fought like hell for my marriage(M) because my wayward wife(WW) was such an awesome mother. I wouldn't have put so much effort in otherwise I don't think. As far as R goes, trust has been lost on both sides. She's probably very suspicious you aren't telling her everything. It's good that you both finally did confess though, that will help you both. If you like your counselor keep going, or find another. I'd do both individual counseling (IC) and marriage counseling (MC) if you can afford it. Of course if you really feel you can never forgive...maybe save yourself the pain and frustration of R and just cut it clean. No sense putting both of you through hell if you know deep down its just going to be a waste.... The flip side is maybe you need to do everything in your power to make it work before giving up. That's definitely been the case for me (I have a divorce\separation pending)
Author Sub Dude Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 Ugh, yeah man I feel for you. Ultimately you have to decide what you can handle...you know your situation better than anyone. You have kids, to me that always is the biggest factor, and you both still claim to love each other. Keep asking yourself what is best for your kids? How is home life? I would probably try to reconcile ®...it's gonna be a long hard road. 2 years is what they say. But...you said she hasn't been a good mother? I fought like hell for my marriage(M) because my wayward wife(WW) was such an awesome mother. I wouldn't have put so much effort in otherwise I don't think. As far as R goes, trust has been lost on both sides. She's probably very suspicious you aren't telling her everything. It's good that you both finally did confess though, that will help you both. If you like your counselor keep going, or find another. I'd do both individual counseling (IC) and marriage counseling (MC) if you can afford it. Of course if you really feel you can never forgive...maybe save yourself the pain and frustration of R and just cut it clean. No sense putting both of you through hell if you know deep down its just going to be a waste.... The flip side is maybe you need to do everything in your power to make it work before giving up. That's definitely been the case for me (I have a divorce\separation pending) Let me start by saying thank you very much for making that legible to others and for your reply. Didn't think MS Word would do that. Yea she says I gave her doubts....said and did things that led her to believe I would cheat on her. Says it was with that dude cuz she worked in the next state over and knew I would never find out about it. Says I made her feel like she wasn't good enough and thought cuz I was traveling around the world that I would cheat and knew no one on my boat would ever tell her. Shes right, they wouldn't have. I never told on my friends that visited whore houses and such. That would have gone against the code. She says she never cheated again after we moved in. All this was like 10 years ago. Sometimes I feel dumb for caring....we were kids. Not married, no kids, not living together. The other side of me says she has a whore side to her. A side I didn't know existed. Feel like I married a whore. I have two beautiful children who I refuse to abandon and swore to do a better job than my father did. And I am. No drug probs here, I take care of my kids and make sure I spend time with them. The herpes confuses me. Did I have HPV? Or was what the dude saw and froze off warts? I think it may have been a wart. Definitely never had any herpes symptoms like sores/pain etc. But maybe I contracted HSV-1 while kissing some girl? She says she wasn't with homeboy for like 2 months before I got back. Kissed him twice....no oral on either end. She got it within 2 weeks of me being back which looks strange. They say you will get it within 2-20 days of being home. She says she was fine til I got home. Next day off, gonna drive her to the doc she used to see and get her med record and go through it myself. Its gonna be a surprise so she can't even get receptionist to take out herpes stuff if there is any. I know that sounds a lil crazy but I have not much trust at this point. Says she woulda told me if she had something when I got home. Maybe. But I didn't and was hoping everything would be fine so maybe she thought the same way? Its a possibility. I think at this point she'd say whatever to not lose me. You think someones cheating so you do and then later you find out they didn't. Do you think you'd get the full story. I kinda doubt it. I wonder if she knew she had herpes before I came home? She says she woulda said so. But ya can't trust a whore. And to me, thats what she was then. This is constantly on my brain. I can't get away. Obsessing you may say. Thought life was great til I heard this. Since we been married it has been great. Then I hear this and it crumbles. Gonna go see a new shrink. I wanna cheat on her to get back. Honestly, shes the only girl I have been with. The 2 others I never even came. I feel like I had all these opportunities and I passed em up for her. I feel like I will be a loser if I only have her and know that I took her virginity and she had more than just me. I was all hers. I feel like a chump.
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I hear you man, I felt pretty horrible about my WW's A too. Felt so much like a schmuck for ignoring the signs, for trying to work it out..etc. The thing to do is take a step back and account for everything in your life and make your overarching priorities. Try to live by what you decide the right priorities are. For me #1 was my daughter's happiness. If you go off and and have a revenge affair (RA) you will make an even bigger mess. You will prove what she already suspects. At that point it won't matter what you did or didn't do back then, now you'll have a recent A to deal with and you will certainly be painted as the bad guy in her mind. She will probably be convinced then that you are lying about the past, if she isn't already. I think your M will have a really hard time recovering from a RA, I wouldn't recommend it though I know you are angry. Try not to label her as a whore, don't kill her in your mind like that. You said you had 10 good years together since then? Maybe focus on that? Also it may be that she's not telling you everything. That's pretty common. We call it "Trickle Truth" around here and it is very hard to deal with. The wayward spouse (WS) tends to want to "spare" you the details...which only destroys trust when you eventually figure out what really happened. There might be some of that going on =\ With stuff being 10 years in the past you are probably at your WW's mercy for learning what really happened. At least she came out and told you what she did though, she could have easily not told you and gotten away with it. Ugh, rereading the bit about herpes...there's been more recent cases? Are you worried about cheating going on recently?
Author Sub Dude Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 I hear you man, I felt pretty horrible about my WW's A too. Felt so much like a schmuck for ignoring the signs, for trying to work it out..etc. The thing to do is take a step back and account for everything in your life and make your overarching priorities. Try to live by what you decide the right priorities are. For me #1 was my daughter's happiness. If you go off and and have a revenge affair (RA) you will make an even bigger mess. You will prove what she already suspects. At that point it won't matter what you did or didn't do back then, now you'll have a recent A to deal with and you will certainly be painted as the bad guy in her mind. She will probably be convinced then that you are lying about the past, if she isn't already. I think your M will have a really hard time recovering from a RA, I wouldn't recommend it though I know you are angry. Try not to label her as a whore, don't kill her in your mind like that. You said you had 10 good years together since then? Maybe focus on that? Also it may be that she's not telling you everything. That's pretty common. We call it "Trickle Truth" around here and it is very hard to deal with. The wayward spouse (WS) tends to want to "spare" you the details...which only destroys trust when you eventually figure out what really happened. There might be some of that going on =\ With stuff being 10 years in the past you are probably at your WW's mercy for learning what really happened. At least she came out and told you what she did though, she could have easily not told you and gotten away with it. Ugh, rereading the bit about herpes...there's been more recent cases? Are you worried about cheating going on recently? Yea my son who is 7....he means it all to me. The baby is a year old....if we split I would still make sure she was taken care of. Wife would take her and I would take son....thats how I see it going in court anyways. The herpes is tough. I never had it. She has. They say men usually give it to women unless woman has symptoms...then she gives it to the man. We never had sex (obviously) when she had symptoms. She only had it four times from 2003-2006 and hasn't had it since. Dang I wasn't worried about her cheating at all so this was a blow....she swears there has never been any one else. She did go back and do him twice more after I got back before we moved in....saying that was her getting back at me...herpes was proof I did her wrong. She was on the pill and they didn't use rubbers. I am suspicious why she wasn't worried about giving it to him. I honestly do wonder if she had it before I came home and lied. Thats why I wanna surprise her and go get her medical record. I found the other dude online. I know where he lives and works. I kinda wanna go talk to him about it and hope he would have the same answers as she does. At least then her story would be confirmed. If I find out shes lying more, trickle truth time has already gone on already....I think I will have to take my son and split. But I really don't want to do that. But this is one of those things....we never would have had kids or gotten married if I knew she cheated back then. I woulda left. So how could I stay now? Argh
wellwhynot Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 So you gave her herpes that you got from cheating on her and she's a whore? Do I have that right? It sounds like you cheated on her, she cheated on you, you both gave each other something, you blamed her for getting pregnant?? (were you not there and participating?) so it made you mad and you treated her like crap while she was pregnant and then wondered why she was depressed? Sounds like classic post partumn depression to me. You both need counseling, you both need... something, and you obviously aren't getting it from each other. You kept secrets for what sounds like 10 years, why is it ok for you to have done it and yet you think she's a terrible person for it? Is it because of your racist tendencies? Is it because she was with "a black guy" that it offends your moral sensibilities? You imply she's a whore and slut but it doesn't seem to have stopped you from being with underage girls. You're entitled to your pain, I feel bad that you are struggling with this but you certainly aren't a victim here.
Parallel_Lines Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 It's definitely going to take a lot of time and work to heal all these wounds. We are around the same age, but you sure have gone through a whole lot more, and I feel for you. So both of you had cheated, but you can't forgive her right now because she didn't tell you the whole truth, am I right? And you are mainly staying with her because you fear it will be worse for the children if you end up divorcing? It sounds like you have already lost respect for your wife, and you can't regain the trust you once had, and maybe can't look at her the same way as you did before. I say.. it's good that you were able to vent here, I can certainly understand why certain thoughts keep looping in your head, obsessively, as you put it. Sorry if I'm not particularly helpful.. About the herpes, yes, HSV-1 can also cause genital sores, and it can be passed on even without the obvious signs or symptoms of an outbreak. There are blood tests to confirm what kind of herpes virus (1 or 2) she has, but it cannot tell when she contracted it, unless she specifically went to the doctor on her first outbreak and got the sore swabbed and tested. Then again, even on that first outbreak, it doesn't always mean that she contracted it 2-20 days prior. After all questions have been answered, by her, by the other guy.. what kind of impact would it have in your decision to move forward? I guess the main question would be, is it worth it to continue having a married life with her,.. or perhaps just start anew?
bigmomma1974 Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I think calling her a whore is a bit extreme. Youalso cheated on her so f shes a whore then you are one as well. Stop with the name calling, takue a long look at your relationship and decide are you in love with her enough to forgive and move forward. If you can't then end it and move on and don't string her along. This happened 10 yrs ago? if so you both where young, you both cheated and you both kept something from each other, you are no better then she is, reguardless if you only did it that 1 time. Cheating is cheating no matter how many times it was. You need to learn to forgive or you will live a long bitter life. 1
Author Sub Dude Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 So you gave her herpes that you got from cheating on her and she's a whore? Do I have that right? It sounds like you cheated on her, she cheated on you, you both gave each other something, you blamed her for getting pregnant?? (were you not there and participating?) so it made you mad and you treated her like crap while she was pregnant and then wondered why she was depressed? Sounds like classic post partumn depression to me. You both need counseling, you both need... something, and you obviously aren't getting it from each other. You kept secrets for what sounds like 10 years, why is it ok for you to have done it and yet you think she's a terrible person for it? Is it because of your racist tendencies? Is it because she was with "a black guy" that it offends your moral sensibilities? You imply she's a whore and slut but it doesn't seem to have stopped you from being with underage girls. You're entitled to your pain, I feel bad that you are struggling with this but you certainly aren't a victim here. I see your point. I was young and confused about ther herpes. Thats not what they told me I had. Very hard to believe I got 2 stds from one girl. Thank you for pointing out she was underage. Had I been sober I would have realized that. Still makes me ill. I was mad she wouldn't have an abortion. Yes I was. Was about to be free with her and she was too scared it would ruin the chance of ever having kids again. We were very unprepared. At this point I hadn't known she cheated on me for like a year and a half. You think I woulda stayed with a girl that did that? If she cheated on me a few times while I was gone because she was lonely or whatever I'da understood that. She uses the excuse "I thought you were doing it to me".....and thats f'in bs. She knew damn well I wasn't bangin someone at work cuz I worked with men. I was with her 99% of the time I was home. Emailed and called while away. Too me it just doesn't add up. Say what you want about race. I'm not racist but to think she was gettin hammered by some black dude is just disgusting. He was a bum. Had kids he didn't take care of. Just fit the sterotype. She was a home wrecker. She deserves for some girl to come along and wreck her home. Karma baby
Author Sub Dude Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 THe fact that when you told her about the bump she responded with I don't care I will have whatever you have is suspicious. I think she is giving you trickle truth. Also, its weird that she would claim that the she didn't like the sex but yet she went back 12 times. You guys need to really talk long and hard about this Good luck Yea lookin back on it as an adult, I definitely should have been like what do you mean you'll get whatever I have. She says now....what do you think we were just gonna use rubbers forever. We never did cuz she was on the pill. She says the sex was nothing great. I definitely find that hard to believe.
Author Sub Dude Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 It's definitely going to take a lot of time and work to heal all these wounds. We are around the same age, but you sure have gone through a whole lot more, and I feel for you. So both of you had cheated, but you can't forgive her right now because she didn't tell you the whole truth, am I right? And you are mainly staying with her because you fear it will be worse for the children if you end up divorcing? It sounds like you have already lost respect for your wife, and you can't regain the trust you once had, and maybe can't look at her the same way as you did before. I say.. it's good that you were able to vent here, I can certainly understand why certain thoughts keep looping in your head, obsessively, as you put it. Sorry if I'm not particularly helpful.. About the herpes, yes, HSV-1 can also cause genital sores, and it can be passed on even without the obvious signs or symptoms of an outbreak. There are blood tests to confirm what kind of herpes virus (1 or 2) she has, but it cannot tell when she contracted it, unless she specifically went to the doctor on her first outbreak and got the sore swabbed and tested. Then again, even on that first outbreak, it doesn't always mean that she contracted it 2-20 days prior. After all questions have been answered, by her, by the other guy.. what kind of impact would it have in your decision to move forward? I guess the main question would be, is it worth it to continue having a married life with her,.. or perhaps just start anew? Yes I am having a hard time with her honor and credibility because as a 30 year old married woman, she couldn't man up and tell her story when the time came. To me, you have no shame. She says its all out now. I still interrogate her sometimes. **** is plaging me. Going to see a new shrink in a few days. Hope it helps my head. Right now I am staying because of the kids. And the fact I am 12 years vested with her and as a 30 year old it would be hard to start over from scratch. At least I think so. Not to mention the herpes (HSV1). How do you hook up with someone new and say oh by the way....I think they would be running for the hills. We both had blood tests. Both test positive for HSV1. Too bad you can't find out who had it first. So much info and lack of info out there. They say everything from...you can be born with it, get it from your mom if she has it and kisses you, have it for years and never have a symptom, just carry it and spread it but never know it......its all so confusing.
Author Sub Dude Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 I think calling her a whore is a bit extreme. Youalso cheated on her so f shes a whore then you are one as well. Stop with the name calling, takue a long look at your relationship and decide are you in love with her enough to forgive and move forward. If you can't then end it and move on and don't string her along. This happened 10 yrs ago? if so you both where young, you both cheated and you both kept something from each other, you are no better then she is, reguardless if you only did it that 1 time. Cheating is cheating no matter how many times it was. You need to learn to forgive or you will live a long bitter life. Well the way I look at it....I made a big mistake for 5 minutes while I was beyond hammered. She made conscious decisions over and over again jeopardizing our relationship and STDs. I do need to stop the name calling, I'm with you there. Just angry. I'm not trying to string her along. Just don't think ending it in the heat of all this is a rational decision. I did keep stuff from her, but hers was bigger. I know that sounds self righteous. Guess thats angry too. My father always told me people weren't perfect and you had to learn to forgive. I hold my self to a very high standard so its hard to not hold others to the same. Last shrink told me I was setting myself up for serious let downs if I kept expecting so much from the world. Having a hard time lowering my expectations. Wish it was so easy.
Author Sub Dude Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 The hardest part for me is she got to voluntarilly marry me. She knew or at least assumed it all. She thought I was cheating so she cheated. But I wasn't doing what she thought I was. I never assumed she was cheating. Retard I was. She rolled with the std. Married me anyways. So maybe she does love me. But had I known she was cheating the whole time I was away at war....I would not have walked back through the door. I didn't know who I was marrying I guess but she did. Now all these years later it feels fake to me. Feels like she was really someone different this whole time.
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