meldisny Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Hey all...I'm new. But I have a question. I was married for 13 years, started dating him when I was 21. Divorced 2 years now, been dating a guy for a while. My issue is this: I don't know what to expect out of a man any more. He doesn't make any plans...I make them all. He'll come over to hang out...empty handed- no wine, dinner, snacks, flowers, etc. Of course we are having sex. I'm 38, ha! I've broken up with him twice over this issue and he's begged for me back. Promised up the wazoo about making me realize that he loves me more than anything, telling me that he will spend the rest of his life proving it to me...but it's just words. To me, you SHOW me how much you love me by, ummm, taking me out! DUH. My serious question is...am I old fashioned? He's 36. I honestly think he should be making plans and paying at every other week. Bottom line. Thoughts?
carhill Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Thoughts? How long is 'awhile'? If you have a strong boundary about words and actions matching, what would you do today?
manup Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Hey all...I'm new. But I have a question. I was married for 13 years, started dating him when I was 21. Divorced 2 years now, been dating a guy for a while. My issue is this: I don't know what to expect out of a man any more. He doesn't make any plans...I make them all. He'll come over to hang out...empty handed- no wine, dinner, snacks, flowers, etc. Of course we are having sex. I'm 38, ha! I've broken up with him twice over this issue and he's begged for me back. Promised up the wazoo about making me realize that he loves me more than anything, telling me that he will spend the rest of his life proving it to me...but it's just words. To me, you SHOW me how much you love me by, ummm, taking me out! DUH. My serious question is...am I old fashioned? He's 36. I honestly think he should be making plans and paying at every other week. Bottom line. Thoughts? I really wouldn't expect too much from single guys at your age (no offense). To answer your question you are old fashioned, but if this guy isn't living up to what you want try dating other guys.
Pierre Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Hey all...I'm new. But I have a question. I was married for 13 years, started dating him when I was 21. Divorced 2 years now, been dating a guy for a while. My issue is this: I don't know what to expect out of a man any more. He doesn't make any plans...I make them all. He'll come over to hang out...empty handed- no wine, dinner, snacks, flowers, etc. Of course we are having sex. I'm 38, ha! I've broken up with him twice over this issue and he's begged for me back. Promised up the wazoo about making me realize that he loves me more than anything, telling me that he will spend the rest of his life proving it to me...but it's just words. To me, you SHOW me how much you love me by, ummm, taking me out! DUH. My serious question is...am I old fashioned? He's 36. I honestly think he should be making plans and paying at every other week. Bottom line. Thoughts? Sounds awful! More like a friend with benefits, but I think they generally bring something. Why do you ask? YOu know the answer.
Onlyjonley Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 You expect him to come over with gifts every time he comes to hang out? You're in for a rude awakening.
carhill Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Forgot to add Welcome to LS It sounds like you prefer a blend of old-fashioned and post-sexual-revolution but perhaps more information might help with clarity on that nuance. IME, being 'old-fashioned' and old enough to remember it, modern relationships are often more 'casual' and loosely defined than was traditional in past generations. The partners define the style of the relationship in line with their personal interactive and relationship styles. If such are compatible, then that. If not, that. What I'm hearing from the information provided is incompatibility; unknown if that is reconcilable or not.
xxoo Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 What do you do when he comes over? Do you eat meals together and spend days together? Or does he just come over for sex? How much of his free time does he spend with you? If he wants to be with you all the time, just hanging out, he might just be boring Are you sure he's single
wezol Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Hey all...I'm new. But I have a question. I was married for 13 years, started dating him when I was 21. Divorced 2 years now, been dating a guy for a while. My issue is this: I don't know what to expect out of a man any more. He doesn't make any plans...I make them all. He'll come over to hang out...empty handed- no wine, dinner, snacks, flowers, etc. Of course we are having sex. I'm 38, ha! I've broken up with him twice over this issue and he's begged for me back. Promised up the wazoo about making me realize that he loves me more than anything, telling me that he will spend the rest of his life proving it to me...but it's just words. To me, you SHOW me how much you love me by, ummm, taking me out! DUH. My serious question is...am I old fashioned? He's 36. I honestly think he should be making plans and paying at every other week. Bottom line. Thoughts? I a male and I was in your shoes with my ex wife, it's no fun. I'm of the same mind, I'd rather someone show me how they feel, as words without actions mean nothing to me. I'm also only 25, so you're not old fashioned. If you keep breaking up with him and taking him back and he doesn't change, he's gonna see that he "doesn't need to change" so to speak, because you will just keep letting him back. That old "fool me once" saying applies here. There are men out there who will actually show you.
maybealone Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 You expect him to come over with gifts every time he comes to hang out? You're in for a rude awakening. It sounded to me more like she doesn't want him showing up to mooch off her. He's not bringing anything over, but he's probably still eating her food and drinking her beer. OP, I think that the number of times couples go out tends to decrease over time, so if you aren't happy now, you might be even less happy six months or a year from now. And whether or not you are old-fashioned isn't important, what's important is finding someone compatible with what you want.
Author meldisny Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Note: we both have kids, so our time together is limited. That's why I think it's even more important that an effort is made, you know? We don't get together with the kids and we've been seeing each other for over a year. And yes, I worry about what the future holds if this is the way it is now! I posted here just to get a "temperature" reading of sorts...he's a professional, he's been married before, I am far from high maintenance. BUT- I do expect dinners out, bottles of wine, romance in general. Not....nothing! That doesn't even make sense to me. Not all the time, hanging out at home is fine, sort of...but when you only see each other a couple of times a month anyway (due to the kids) hanging out at home is really, really lame.
wow04 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Note: we both have kids, so our time together is limited. That's why I think it's even more important that an effort is made, you know? We don't get together with the kids and we've been seeing each other for over a year. And yes, I worry about what the future holds if this is the way it is now! I posted here just to get a "temperature" reading of sorts...he's a professional, he's been married before, I am far from high maintenance. BUT- I do expect dinners out, bottles of wine, romance in general. Not....nothing! That doesn't even make sense to me. Not all the time, hanging out at home is fine, sort of...but when you only see each other a couple of times a month anyway (due to the kids) hanging out at home is really, really lame. You have been together for a year and your kids don't know? So is this suppose to be a serious relationship? What the future holds? How can you think of that when the kids haven't met each other? Have you told him how you feel?
Ruby Slippers Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 You teach people how to treat you - especially men. For the most part, men will be as lazy as you let them be. If a guy doesn't make any effort to make plans, I don't go out with him. At most, I will tell him that I'd like him to suggest something specific we can do. Then he either responds to that or not. If a guy I've just started dating invites himself over to watch a movie or something like that, I say no, and suggest an alternative outside the house.
Author meldisny Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 The kids know, but we don't hang out with all the kids together. He has 3 girls and I have 2... it may sound odd to some, but we share 50/50 custody with the other parent(s) and don't really see a need to merge kids and households. This is something we both agree about. We enjoy our adult time..and intend to keep it that way. I don't want a step parentfor my kids and vice versa...but that's a WHOLE other can of worms! That's why it's even more important that the dating life remain fun and special. We both left marriages where our self-esteem was damaged daily. I really don't think I require much at all. Just wondering if "requirements" are even accepted these days.
Onlyjonley Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Note: we both have kids, so our time together is limited. That's why I think it's even more important that an effort is made, you know? We don't get together with the kids and we've been seeing each other for over a year. And yes, I worry about what the future holds if this is the way it is now! I posted here just to get a "temperature" reading of sorts...he's a professional, he's been married before, I am far from high maintenance. BUT- I do expect dinners out, bottles of wine, romance in general. Not....nothing! That doesn't even make sense to me. Not all the time, hanging out at home is fine, sort of...but when you only see each other a couple of times a month anyway (due to the kids) hanging out at home is really, really lame. My apologies .. if he isn't making any effort whatsoever, then I can understand that. If you've voiced your concerns and he hasn't tried to improve, move on.
thatone Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 from a man's perspective, it's not a whole other can of worms. if a woman tells me her other life is separate from mine and wants to keep it that way, she's telling me she wants a friend with benefits, sex buddy, whatever you wanna call it. and in that case i'm not going to pretend like we're really dating. so i'm not wining and dining and paying for lots of stuff, i'm just meeting up at her place or mine. might pay for meals but that's about it. i'm 35, fwiw.
fucpcg Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 My last girlfriend, we started dating when I was 40 and she was 38. In the year that we were together, I never let her cook one meal, and when it was her and her three boys, same thing. I paid for everything that we did together with her boys, and there were days she would go play soccer and I would take her 3 boys to somewhere like the amusement park, then dinner, all on my own expense. I never blew her off a single day to say "go out with the guys", and every weekend she had her boys I did something with all of us together. I was around for her, I paid for her and her family in most every occasion, and I invested personally in my time by caring for her boys and trying to provide a good home life for all of us. What you are dealing with has nothing to do with age group.
PeineDeCoeur Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I don't think this has anything to do with being old-fashioned, but with wanting an active (ie not passive) relationship. I hear you, OP. I'm just going through a d and looking forward to dating. I've gotta say, an active person, who likes to do things and get out, is important. If you have kids, you already get plenty of time at home. If he's not giving you what you need after a year, move on.
6ft180natl Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Sounds like its just a mismatch in personality types or preferences. I personally would rather spend time alone at home with the woman I love especially if I don't get to see her that much. You have to make the decision yourself whether that one downside is worth getting rid of him and trying to find a better match in the dating market but realize you will probably trade one fault for another with a different guy.
phineas Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 and you don't go to his place at all? see, this is why at age 40 & divorced I can put up with zero crap from women. Because their alternative is what OP is dating. OP I feel ya. I've dated quite a few women who put little effort into anything & expected me to do everything & didn't appreciate anything. I wasn't even getting any. I eventually grew a pair & told them they were done getting my attention until I started getting something in return. OP, ya gotta tell your man what you expect or he isn't welcome anymore in your house. You have the power of the pussy. Use it. but use it wisely. You don't get what you want, he don't get what he wants.
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