KathyM Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 yeah fair enough. it just happened yesterday so am a bit wired up but i should be over it in a week or so, maybe less maybe more. KathyM, I hear your points and yes it is perfectly reasonable, but what I myself have done, or what girls have done to me when something is bothering me about a person and it is getting worse and worse is subconsciously want to see them less. I make excuses, i become withdrawn, or less attached and then a breakup happens. And same girls for a girl who is getting peeved with me. All i am saying is what is confusing is why she upped the intensity, meetings, conversation, intimacy of sharing, etc etc, if there was this volcano waiting to erupt because she couldn't stand these qualities in me anymore? You know, it's really hard to get a grasp of the dynamic that occurred where she blew up, since we are only getting one side of it, and without hearing it first hand, so it's hard to say, but I will say that relationships normally progress and become more intense until either some incident causes a breakup, or a person realizes that there is an incompatibility that is a dealbreaker. I'd say that is what happened in your case. She probably saw the habit as something occasionally annoying, but it was not enough to break it off, so the relationship progressed in intensity. Relationships don't normally stay the same intensity. They either increase or they fissle out. I'd say the habit was annoying previously, but this latest incident proved to her that it was a habit she was not going to be able to live with. Just as a frame of reference, my sister went through something similar with a guy she was dating in the past year. He had an annoying tendency (I won't go into specifics, in order to remain anonymous) which she did not like, but it was not enough to break off the relationship, so she continued to progress in the relationship for three months, until one weekend when that "tendency" became too annoying for her to put up with any longer, and she abruptly, without warning, broke it off. That guy also was left reeling and wondering why she would suddenly break up after having what appeared to be a great relationship for three months. Oftentimes, people don't have prior warning in dating relationships that some issue is going to be a dealbreaker. A person's goal in dating is usually to evaluate if a person is a match for them, and has the qualities they are looking for. They are not at the stage of working out issues, like people who have been together more long term. They are in a trial stage where they are seeing if you are compatible with them. They are not so interested in working out issues with you at this earlier stage. Apparently, this tendency of yours was a dealbreaker for her, and when she realized that was a strong tendency you had, she realized it was not something she wanted to live with and you were not, therefore, compatible. Sorry, but you often don't get a prior warning before someone decides you are not compatible.
Author rbitrage Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 yeah I hear what you are saying KathyM and it makes total sense. In fact i realize now also, that spending so much time together made her realize how much she hated some of these things and made it an easier decision to end it. So I guess I understand why it happened as it did and why such intensity led to such an outcome. It's a bitter pill to swallow because i realize that it was more about me than about her, and more about incompatibility than about some strange psycho behavior. I guess time to accept and move. Somehow she now seems like the complete rational one in the equation actually.
Author rbitrage Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Also makes sense why she would never look back now at a possible reconciliation. The remotest possibilities would be months or years later if we really became two different people and that is not something i have any interest to bank on .
KathyM Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 yeah I hear what you are saying KathyM and it makes total sense. In fact i realize now also, that spending so much time together made her realize how much she hated some of these things and made it an easier decision to end it. So I guess I understand why it happened as it did and why such intensity led to such an outcome. It's a bitter pill to swallow because i realize that it was more about me than about her, and more about incompatibility than about some strange psycho behavior. I guess time to accept and move. Somehow she now seems like the complete rational one in the equation actually. Self awareness goes a long way to healthy interactions. Now that you are more aware of this tendency and what reaction it can get from people, you may have a better ability to control it. Work on your patience level in listening to people. Work on showing more interest in what they are saying. If a woman feels like she is heard and understood, that will go a long way in developing your relationship and her feelings for you. I know being a good listener comes more naturally to women than men, but it is a skill that resonates with women, and they will appreciate you for it. One of the most common reasons that marriages break up is because the wife feels her husband doesn't listen to her, doesn't care about her feelings, doesn't understand her or show her attention. If you can do those things for her, you will be more successful in your relationship with women.
Author rbitrage Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 Ok so one day later I get a text with a picture from my ex: Look I just saw Obama, He waved at me. I write back: Hope that wasn't the highlight of your day, loser (her and her friends call eachother loser just as a stupid little teasing thing and she would do it to me also) Not sure why she sent me that, but I wanted to show her she isn't gonna phase me with such non-chalant comments. Gonna stick with NC from now on
trist Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 you just failed at the no contact, calling the ex a loser hardly constitutes you showing she's not getting to you, and I thought we had established that it was best to just let this one one go but you're still harboring on it? I'm really confused, I thought in another post you mentioned that you were an "alpha male" ? first off, no alpha male broadcasts that they are an alpha male, and secondly, you dated this girl for 30 days and I got the feeling you're going to be obsessing over this longer than your actual relationship with her... 1
Author rbitrage Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 Dont think i said i am an alpha male but i said she likes very alpha males and is quite alpha herself. i didn't initiate contact and yes i get that ignoring her message would've been one approach but to be honest i'm not really heart broken right now. I hear what you are saying and yes i am obsessing on this topic quite a bit because i want to understand the nuances of what really happened which with each successive post i am starting to, but again i'm not destroyed to be honest by a girl i dated for 30 days. I kinda liked her when we dated and i guess i still do now and that will probably be done once i go out with a few new girls in the next week or two. in the meantime i was curious about why she texted me and put it out there for some opinions. that's all.
Downtown Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Rbitrage, I agree with Emilia and TornAngel that you are describing ONE of the behavioral traits of BPD.This is about as quick a turn from hot to cold and as extreme as I have ever seen. This flipping -- in just a few seconds -- from adoring you to hating you is one BPD characteristic. It is called "black-white thinking" (a form of "splitting"). This all-or-nothing thinking will be evident in the way a person categorizes everybody as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize someone, in just seconds, based solely on an idle comment or minor infraction. BPDers do this because they cannot tolerate uncertainty, mixed feelings, or ambiguities. The B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of "never" and "always," which you say she uses a lot. It is just so strange because there was no buildup towards it, and all her behavior leading up to this moment was showing she was getting closer to me, not farther away. If she is a BPDer, that is exactly the way it works. BPDers typically will start a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away immediately after the VERY BEST OF TIMES. The reason is that, due to a BPDer having a fragile ego, she will feel suffocated and overwhelmed during intimacy. She will feel like she is losing herself in your strong personality -- as though she is evaporating in thin air. This is why BPDers typically start fights right after a great weekend or an intimate evening spent together. Another reason is that they are so fearful of abandonment that they sometimes will preemptively abandon the partner to avoid the pain of being abandoned.She seriously went all sinister in the end. I even asked her the next day, "is it that easy for you to just 'turn it off'....?"With BPDers, the transition from adoring you to devaluing you happens so quickly that it will seem to you that she has simply FLIPPED A SWITCH in her mind. They are able to accomplish this because they don't get rid of the good feelings they have toward you. Instead, they simply "split off" those feelings, putting them out of reach of their conscious minds. This is why, in a few seconds, she can easily go back to loving you again. Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer, I would not be surprised if she starts trying to suck you back into the toxic relationship within a few weeks.I just want to know if this is normal, understandable or way out there.It would be perfectly normal for a 15 year old to display such behavior. For a woman in her 20's, however, it would be "way out there." I nonetheless caution that exhibiting only one BPD trait -- namely, the black-white thinking -- does NOT imply your exGF has a pattern of strong BPD traits. For that to be true, she would have to exhibit most of the nine BPD traits, not just one. Moreover, even exhibiting a strong pattern of 5 or more BPD traits would NOT imply she "has BPD." Only a professional can determine whether the strong BPD traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having the full-blown disorder. This does not imply, however, that you cannot spot the red flags. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and rapid Jekyll-Hyde transformations. If you would like to read more about such traits, the best-selling book on the subject is Stop Walking on Eggshells. Or, if you want a brief description of those traits, you can check out my posts in Rebel's thread. They start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. Take care, Rbitrage.
Itsonlyme66 Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I think she sounds a bit like a control freak that likes to mess with people for the fun of it to make herself seem more dominant. you're lucky it was only a month.
rose27 Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 She sounds like an old friend of mine who used to snap at me when she noticed that my attention was focused elsewhere for even a second. She was a nut case and she literally gave me the silent treatment. I actually wouldn't be surprised if it was the same girl. All I can say to you now is GET OUT while you can. Can you imagine having to walk on eggshells for this girl? I did it with a friend for years and I developed anxiety because of it. I can only imagine a relationship would be worse!
Author rbitrage Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 Thanks for the detailed explanation Downtown. I seriously don't know if she is BPD. I tend to agree with KathyM that she may just have found my quirky qualities tolerable until she couldn't anymore and the fact that she realized that after we spent 4-5 days together makes sense to me. Only thing I am a literally suspicious of is I had a friend who did have bi polar disorder and he was somewhat like her. Very calm, in control, measured, and seemingly articulate, until he would fly off the handle. I seriously don't think this girl is that and yes it was not a flip out over a one time interrupted conversation. I sensed she had a few things she didn't like and a few things she did, and at that moment she decided enough was enough. When i finally made some peace with the fact that her decision was a rationale one I sent her a quick text saying I understand now why you made your decision and agree with it. I figured she would take solace in that. Her reply back..."(my name). Relax. It's not the end of the world." Huh???? Did I miss something or is she playing me. I totally don't get why me saying I agree with your decision makes her say relax, it's not the end of the world. Then yesterday later on she sends me that thing about seeing Obama's limo driving by. I don't know. She has some complicated history and I can't really say how much it has impacted her. She was married and divorced briefly in university. Her last ex told her the religious issue would not work and she's been single for a while. She's created a strong together outward appearance, but whether the person inside is sweet and hurt or has some deeper issues i will never know. I have my own so I can't judge anyone else. Kinda sucks because for the brief time we were together I felt like we could potentially be great together, but it takes two to tango.
Author rbitrage Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 Itsonlyme66, you are pretty right about what you say. She is quite good at pushing people's buttons (and this is coming from someone who is himself a provocateur) and she's pretty sure of herself. I'd describe it more as she's a dominant person who wants to be dominated by a stronger guy if that makes sense (she's even said that to me). Anyways, I guess I am continuing to spend why too much time thinking about this and her but I dont feel heartbroken about things strangely enough.
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