befreckled Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 The bf and I have come to a decision that in order to figure out the next step in our relationship, we need to be in the same country. We've decided to move to a country he was born to and I was educated in. For visa purposes, it makes the most sense for me to study and it ties with my plan for a mid-career change. I've applied to do my masters and have been accepted but the international student fees are insane and I have about 3/4 of the school fees saved and it's paid per semester so I will have enough for the 1st semester + $ for until I settle in (1-2 months) The bf has agreed to take care of rent and the majority of our living expenses - food etc. As a student, I am allowed to work an x amount of hours and if I work, I will have enough for my day-to-day expenses. A part time job shouldn't be an issue and if I'm really good with my expenses, I will be able to save enough for the 2nd semester. Right now, I have about half a year to save as much and I'm trying my best to find a job to save up but it hasn't happened yet. Is it silly if I jump head first and accept regardless if I have enough saved for the 2nd semester or should I defer my studies by a year to make sure that I have everything saved plus more. I should add that I'm 32 and it would mean that I'll be 34 by the time we actually move in together and give this relationship a shot (the assumption is our relationship lasts the long distance through that time) I like the idea of an end-date but at the same time, I'm scared to trust that everything will turn out ok. I'm the opposite of gullible! 1
trist Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 most people in a LD relationship would be thrilled to have an date where the L gets dropped from the LD... considering you were already planning on doing a mid-career change, it's not that much of a burden... a country where you resided before and he did as well was also picked... i see nothing but pluses here... the fact that you're posting about it concerns me a little bit though... something is nagging at you that somethings not right, and unfortunately, our gut is usually dead on... can you go into a little more detail as to why you would mention that you're not gullible?? is there an issue with the current guy or has there been something that's happened to you in the past that you haven't been able to let go completely??
d'Arthez Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Getting to live together may be the easy part. For visa purposes, it makes the most sense for me to study and it ties with my plan for a mid-career change. I've applied to do my masters and have been accepted but the international student fees are insane and I have about 3/4 of the school fees saved and it's paid per semester so I will have enough for the 1st semester + $ for until I settle in (1-2 months) You have looked at the procedures to change visas after you have finished your degree? Depending on the country, that can be quite a mission, and take another few years. Some countries can even be extremely unwilling to grant you a work permit - things like that can really kill of a good relationship.
Author befreckled Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 the fact that you're posting about it concerns me a little bit though... something is nagging at you that somethings not right, and unfortunately, our gut is usually dead on... can you go into a little more detail as to why you would mention that you're not gullible?? is there an issue with the current guy or has there been something that's happened to you in the past that you haven't been able to let go completely?? I have always been independent and I was engaged before in a relationship that started as an LDR. When he decided to move to where I was, I had a change of heart and I honestly can't explain it. I realised how serious he was and I was 19 so, I broke up with him but he made plans to move and was determine to move so he moved and it was horrible to say the least. I guess part of me wants to protect myself because, as much as we'd like to believe that love is enough, it isn't. I adore the boyfriend and I am happy but I want to make sure that i'm not stuck between a rock and a hard place. Is that silly?
Author befreckled Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Getting to live together may be the easy part. You have looked at the procedures to change visas after you have finished your degree? Depending on the country, that can be quite a mission, and take another few years. Some countries can even be extremely unwilling to grant you a work permit - things like that can really kill of a good relationship. Yes, I have. We can apply for a common law partner visa after 12 months of staying together - I'm doing my Masters in a vocation that is quite needed so, on my own it wouldn't be an issue for a job. The common law partner visa takes about 2-3 months of processing which isn't a real issue.
d'Arthez Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I am guessing you may have some fears of the same thing happening to you as what happened to the guy you were involved with a decade ago. It is very sensible to take care of yourself. Love does not pay the bills, nor does it on its own get you the career you want. 1
trist Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 see now it all makes sense... the fear is manifested from previous experience, and that's a natural reaction... however, if you are happy and do care for this guy and can picture a life with him 5, 10, 20 years from now, go full speed ahead... life's too short anyways... most people in a LDR would kill to be in your shoes... 2
Els Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I know this isn't exactly what you're asking, but the pressing question that occurred to me is: How does this Masters programme tie into your plans for your career? Would it genuinely benefit you and you would have done it anyway regardless of the relationship, or are you doing it just to be able to live with the guy? Masters programmes with international fees aren't something you just go into to have a 'reason' to live in that country temporarily. I know how important reuniting a LDR is, believe me, but it just isn't worth the cost. Of course, if you would have gone for it anyway, except maybe later, that's all good. Moving on to the financial questions, I think that if your bf has offered to pay for the majority of living expenses, it would not be too dangerous to go into it now as long as you trust that he will uphold his end of the deal. If you have even the slightest inkling that he will leave you high and dry if you don't work out, then you should perhaps wait. 1
Author befreckled Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 I know this isn't exactly what you're asking, but the pressing question that occurred to me is: How does this Masters programme tie into your plans for your career? Would it genuinely benefit you and you would have done it anyway regardless of the relationship, or are you doing it just to be able to live with the guy? Masters programmes with international fees aren't something you just go into to have a 'reason' to live in that country temporarily. I know how important reuniting a LDR is, believe me, but it just isn't worth the cost. Of course, if you would have gone for it anyway, except maybe later, that's all good. Moving on to the financial questions, I think that if your bf has offered to pay for the majority of living expenses, it would not be too dangerous to go into it now as long as you trust that he will uphold his end of the deal. If you have even the slightest inkling that he will leave you high and dry if you don't work out, then you should perhaps wait. The Masters I'll be taking will allow me to make a mid-career change into something i've wanted to do but for financial reasons didn't feel it was worthwhile. What I do /did (I resigned awhile ago) for a living is quite lucrative but morally it leaves me quite unhappy . I am definitely not doing the Masters solely for him and he did make me realise that I didn't want to be in a career that left me that disillusioned. Simply put, in the event we break up for whatever reason, I'll still continue on this path. A year ago, I was accepted to a Masters where he is now but I didn't go for it because I didn't want to be in debt for a career path that I wasn't sure I wanted to be in any longer. And now, I'm certain that I want to do this, it's a case of when e.g when I've saved 100% of my fees but it affects the relationship because we've both agreed that we can't marry in a LDR state, we have to have lived together and be absolutely certain. So with the consideration that I'm 32 and it means we won't live together till i'm at least 34, it makes a difference because I'd like a family, I'd like not to be in a state of limbo which is what this feels like.
Ramon83 Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 The only thing I can say to you, simple as it might sound is: 'Just go for it!' Securities are never guarenteed. If you would safe up some money and wait, there might be another thing that seems too impractical for the moment. Truth is that the situation is never perfect and it is not supposed to be. You can undo every thing that turns out to be a mistake but you can no undo what you have failed to do in the first place. Maybe your doubts come more from the drastic change that the situation requires. It's natural for the human mind to produce second thoughts when it comes to making life changing choices. It's a mechanism that is necessary to be aware of the magnitude and necessary steps/points of caution that such a change implies. But don't confuse the caution you feel for the change itself for caution about the situation you will change in to. I applied for a job in the country of my girlfriend. When I heard that I was hired I had only one week to pack my things and book my ticket. The same panicky thoughts came, but I did it. Sometimes you just have to shut off you mind. And I must say that I feel I made the right choice!!!!! Maybe it helps to change the question from: 'will this new situation make me happy?' Into: 'does my current situation makes me so happy that I am afraid of loosing it?' 1
wildgeese Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I have to agree with the "Just do it!" mentality. I may be a bit more idealistic than most people on LS, but I feel like if you've found a person who makes you truly happy, you see a future with them and have discussed that future, and you're ready to take that risk - then go for it. Money will come and go and there are a hundred tiny things that could pop up that could stall your financial plans. From the sound of it, you're not that bad off with money either. When you get there, just put yourself on a strict budget and remember why you're there. I think you'll be glad you did it no matter what. I know what it feels like to be in a place that you don't really want to be just to save money, and it's difficult and hurts like hell. I'd rather be with my SO on a tight budget that wait another 2 years. But that's just me!
Els Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 The Masters I'll be taking will allow me to make a mid-career change into something i've wanted to do but for financial reasons didn't feel it was worthwhile. What I do /did (I resigned awhile ago) for a living is quite lucrative but morally it leaves me quite unhappy . I am definitely not doing the Masters solely for him and he did make me realise that I didn't want to be in a career that left me that disillusioned. Simply put, in the event we break up for whatever reason, I'll still continue on this path. A year ago, I was accepted to a Masters where he is now but I didn't go for it because I didn't want to be in debt for a career path that I wasn't sure I wanted to be in any longer. And now, I'm certain that I want to do this, it's a case of when e.g when I've saved 100% of my fees but it affects the relationship because we've both agreed that we can't marry in a LDR state, we have to have lived together and be absolutely certain. So with the consideration that I'm 32 and it means we won't live together till i'm at least 34, it makes a difference because I'd like a family, I'd like not to be in a state of limbo which is what this feels like. Then go for it. It's reasonable to have a back up plan though, as to what to do in case it doesn't work out.
d'Arthez Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Then go for it. It's reasonable to have a back up plan though, as to what to do in case it doesn't work out. I can't stress that enough. Ah, for the follies of love! Seriously, befreckled seems to have everything in order. The only thing that could potentially go wrong is that she does not finish her Masters and her relationship does not work out. If that is sorted, there is really nothing that should stop you from going for this. 1
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