Best friend takes me for granted

[water.]

I've known this guy for two intense year, and I consider him one of my best friends. We have a lot of chemistry, and he told me that our relationship is important, that I'm like a sister to him, and every time we see each other he genuinely says that I'm special because he acts in a certain way only with me.

 

We don't live in the same town anymore, and though we can't see each other a lot (once a month if not less) we still do stuff together, especially through internet. Last year we lived in the same flat, and we spent whole days together. It's been almost a year now since he was forced to move out, but we still hear from each other – used to be daily, now we usually talk on facebook at least once a week. We also watch movies and tv shows together regularly, and comment them live through facebook or skype. It's usually him who initiates contact (...mostly because when I do, he won't answer me until many hours or days later, so I gave it up).

 

However, sometimes (and he was like this even when he lived here) he just acts like he unconsciously thinks he can completely forget about me because I will always be there for him. He forgot my birthday because he was too busy having fun until I had to remind him a week later. Sometimes he talks almost as if I had to be grateful for his presence when he manages to show up, because he's got so, many, fantastic, things, to do (don't we all?). He makes plans and gets slightly irritated if I'm not enthusiastic, then more often than not he won't show up because someone else called him. And these are just some examples (not the worst).

 

I'm not upset he's got tons of friends and he goes out and has fun. What upsets me a little is that every time we talk it feels as if he's currently paying attention to me because he's bored and he's got nothing better to do, not because it's "me". And when something better shows up he will only remember that we had "plans" hours later. But what I'd really want is a "hey, I can't make it tonight". I'm not angry or jealous because he cancels and goes doing something else with someone else, I'm hurt because he doesn't seem to think I'm even worth a two-seconds free PM on facebook to actually cancel.

 

I don't want to look clingy. I don't even want to be unfair to him, because he's a decent person who loves me for what I am, and I feel really good around him. Part of the problem comes from the fact that we are very different when it comes to how we view friendship: he's a people person who likes to talk to everyone but can immediately forget they even existed, while I actually prefer to know deeply a few selected people. We're bound to clash sometimes, as we did in the past. I understand this, and I'm sure he doesn't even realize he's doing anything that could upset me. I'm actually "lucky" because he's worse with other people...never calling or even texting them, never being "there" unless he can physically see and be with them.

 

But even though I'm aware that these are mostly excusable faults, I also think that feelings are very important in a friendship, and here I feel taken for granted. And it hurts to be taken for granted by someone you care so much for, not once or twice, but as a routine. I've tried not to care, and when he still lived here I used to make up excuses for him or minimize everything, but in the end maybe that was what amplified the problem. I should have told him straight away to be more considerate...

 

I don't want to lose even this contact I've got with him and I don't want to play games, but I'm afraid it could get worse. I've already asked him to tell me when he can't make it or something, in a relaxed cheerful tone not to make a big deal out of it; he apologized and said he would, then kept doing the same things all over again. I'd feel stupid bringing it up again, and that's not even the point...it's just a general feeling I've been getting for a really long time.

 

What should I do?

Edited May 14, 2012 by water.

[darkmoon]

he's taking time out to screw somebody or date them and does not want to hurt those feelings of yours

[water.]

Uuuhhhh – nope. I'd tell you that I know him enough to know that he isn't, but that's beyond the point. Simply put, he wouldn't have problems telling me he's seeing (or even that he likes) someone, 1) because we're not together; 2) even if he were this cautious about how I feel and react to his actions (and he isn't), he knows my feelings wouldn't be "hurt" at all by any relationship he may have, unless he cut me out of his life – as I think it's natural for two very close friends. Also, when he came here for a week some time ago, I think I would have noticed or he would have told me. And no, he wouldn't hide it so deliberately: he's not a liar.

 

But really, it doesn't matter. I posted in the "Friendship" cathegory for a reason. I'm not interested in being his girlfriend or anything like that at the moment, and I know he feels the same. I just consider this guy one of my best friends, and I know he does too, but sometimes he acts as if, because we're so close, he can just ditch me whenever something else and new pops up without even thinking about it. I just want to fix that... I don't like feeling like a pastime.

Edited May 14, 2012 by water.

[Beachead]

Ah I feel ye on this issue.

 

Feeling like you're being taken for granted is a very draining emotion, mainly because the other person may not feel like they're doing anything wrong at all. I don't think he means to be making you feel like this at all but the fact is he is and nothing is going to change that unless he stops..and to be honest here, I don't think he will. So you're only going to get more and more upset with him.

 

I think what's happened here is that distance has affected your friendship. For him, there's not many things to do or talk about with you anymore and he's moved on with his life but he still values you and what you two have, so he has to really go out of his way to keep you in there. You guys always had the same friendship but living very close to eachother catered very nicely to your friendship. Now it doesn't.

 

A good friend of mine did this to me and my buddies. I knew him for years..but when he started up school, met other people, got a girlfriend, became busy with work..we went from chilling frequently and keepin in touch almost everyday to hanging out once a year..and even though I'm a dude, it still hurt. I understood his life changed but couldn't understand why we got bumped. Similar things have happened. Things change. We'll always keep in touch, hang out time to time, but it won't ever be like the way it used to be. Whatever happens, we must carry on.

 

As do you..

 

What you must do "water" is to accept the change, and stop comparing your friendship to the way it used to be. Lower your expectations and also, try to meet some new people, people who make you happy and energetic instead of people who confuse and drain you out and leave you typing out a post like this one. This will help you take the attention off of this friendship and help focus it on new ones. Not to say that this guy is a bad friend in anyway, but he's just not meeting your needs anymore and you're becoming frustrated and hurt. That makes things toxic and unhealthy for you. Always be sure to keep people who revitalize you and discard the ones who zap your energy.

 

Best of luck to ye.

 

Beachead

[water.]

Yeah...*That's exactly what I meant and how I feel. I also kind of knew what I'm supposed to do, but perhaps didn't want to think about it and hoped for a magical solution to pop up...

 

I know that he's not a bad friend and he would actually be sad to know I feel this way, which is part of the reason why it's so hard to let him "go". I know that focusing on other people and meeting new ones is the only thing I can do right now, and that's what I'm going to do.

 

I haven't done it yet because I'm afraid that then, with him going on like this and me stopping making a priority out of him, we'd end up talking even less and so on. But then again, I suppose if that's going to happen there's really nothing I can do, and not accepting it I could even kill what little good we still have left...

 

Still, it's sad. It's not like we fought or don't like each other anymore or something. I guess it's just life that sometimes simply *has* to get in the way...

[water.]

Yeah...*That's exactly what I meant and how I feel. I also kind of knew what I'm supposed to do, but perhaps didn't want to think about it and hoped for a magical solution to pop up... Thank you for sharing your experience, it helps a little to know that it's something that happens to the best friendships, and that in the end there's not much one can do but accept it.

 

I know that he's not a bad friend and he would actually be truly sorry to know I feel this way, which is part of the reason why it's so hard to let him "go". I know that focusing on other people and meeting new ones is the only thing I can do right now, and that's what I'm going to do.

 

I haven't done it yet because I'm afraid that then, with him going on like this and me stopping making a priority out of him, we'd end up talking even less and so on. But then again, I suppose if that's what's going to happen there's really nothing I can do, and not accepting it I could even kill what little good we have left...

 

Still, it's sad. It's not like we fought or don't like each other anymore or something. I guess it's just life that sometimes simply *has* to get in the way...

[water.]

Okay, so maybe I was attracted to him once and he knew it, but we stayed friends. Now it's over, that was almost a year ago, and a lot of stuff happened since then.

 

Don't try to deny it. People don't describe their friends by their chemistry.

 

He did once, even said it was "undeniable". And I admit that there have always been certain things (we cuddle or playfully wrestle sometimes, for example) between us that used to confuse me in the past... but as I said, that was a year ago, I just take these things for what they are and don't think much about them anymore. We talked about it, and I swear I don't want to be his girlfriend: it just wouldn't work for many reasons and I'm truly fine with that. I'm looking for someone else, and I'd be glad if he found himself a girlfriend.

 

I'm sorry that's what it looks like... I don't get easily attached to people, so when it happens I guess it's intense enough to be misunderstood from the outside... But nope, that's not what I want anymore, and I'm pretty sure about it. When we hug I feel like I'm hugging a child, or a very cute pet I'm really fond of, but definitively not a/my man, you know...?

 

I don't know, I really think it's passed too much time for that. But let's suppose that was true: what am I supposed to do, date random guys I don't like just so that he knows I'm not attracted to him and starts to act more considerate...? Come on. I'd just wish he realized that we're probabily never going to live in the same city anymore, and that if you want to keep up a long-distance relationship (every kind of relationship), you've got to work harder to keep in touch and be "there". But perhaps he does and just doesn't care/worry as much as I do, whatever...

Edited May 23, 2012 by water.