i'm having a weak moment

[maya.arrow]

my bf and i have been together for four years, but we have decided to part by the end of the year. it was his decision, not mine...as i am still head over heels in love with him. he still loves me, but i guess not enough to commit his life to me, and i guess--to be honest--the passion must be gone for him. it's an unconventional situation, i suppose...to still be together knowing there is a time limit. but i love him too much to leave...and we both decided that we wanted to have a few more months together before moving on with our lives.

 

the thing is...i don't know if i can move on. i've been in love many times before, but never like this. and tonight, i am just wretched with the fear of life without him. i couldn't sleep next to him, hearing him breathe, without wanting to cry. all i could think was how much i love every little thing about him and how i would give anything to be able to spend my life by his side.

 

meeting him was like something out of a dream. i had never experienced that feeling of seeing a man across the room and thinking--that beautiful man is way out of my league--only to find out he was just as drawn to me. our first year together was the intense, gut-wrenching love of movies and fairy tales...so much so that i couldn't believe it was happening to me. i know it's cheesy and sappy, but it's true. all my other relationships started out fairly casually before they got serious. with him--it was instant and consuming. and he loved me just as much as i loved him.

 

but years pass, and people change. although the intensity of my love hasn't faded, he is young...and still has so much to experience...and perhaps he just wants more from life than i could give. i want to let him go with all my blessing because i love him so. i will set him free so he can be happy. but me... why do i feel like my life is ending? sometimes i wonder if i really will survive this. i dream of disappearing or dying after it is over. i can't imagine ever finding someone like him again--as he is probably one of the most extraordinary people i have met in my life. how can anyone live up? he is so beautiful that people can't help but notice when he enters a room. he is brilliant. he is funny. he is kind. he is silly. he is everything i have ever wanted and more. and for a brief four years, this amazing man loved me. but soon it will be gone and i really think life will be duller, dimmer, and blacker afterward. maybe some of us only meet the love of our life once...and life just never is the same afterward. maybe some of us only live with the happiest times of our lives fading behind us.

 

i know i'm having a weak moment. hopefully i can wake tomorrow with a little more hope in my heart.

[WonderKid]

Keep your head up. I never been in love like that but that's gotta be tough. The best thing you can do is rebuild yourself back up because there is another man out there that will be crazy for you. It may not be like your ex, but it can be better. You never know.

[linzig86]

I just read this and I had to register just to reply to it.

 

I was in this situation 2 years ago. I met the most beautiful of men he was my everything. I generally believed he was my soulmate, he used to tell me we were meant to be. There were too many coincidences for it not to be. I imagined my whole life with him, growing old with him and he imagined it too. We were only 21 at the time but we spoke about everything and he used to lay in bed next to me staring at me holding my hand telling me the most passionate things. 3 years into the relationship it wasn't working for him. I knew there were slight cracks in the relationship (he had alot of insecurities) and he ended it. I didnt want to be vulnerable so I pretended to agree. When I didnt hear anything for the next few days I panicked. Was this it? I was a mess every second of everyday and I had to see him, persuade him otherwise. I decided to go and see him, hoping that he'd see my face and change his mind. He didn't. It was too late for me to get the train home so I had to stay at his overnight. At first I was so distraught I got on the floor but he told me to come and lay with him in bed. He slept fine. I didnt sleep a wink. I laid there staring at him for what seemed like all of the night. His gorgeous face, gorgeous lips, hair, eyes everything. Listening to him breathe thinking constantly this doesnt make sense were soulmates!! I cried repeatedly because my heart was literally breaking. It took me 2 weeks to stop crying but...and I will emphasise this....I did stop and I did get over it. Everybody does!! EVERYBODY. including you....

 

What I suggest is... you go now. It is unfair for him to tell you he wants out in a few months time. I couldnt bare 1 night of knowing we were ending I would have been in the hospital if it lasted months!

 

It will shock him I promise. He is not expecting you to leave he is expecting you to be there until he decides its time to go. This is ridiculous! Just leave and do not contact him. If you want somebody back you have to stick to no contact. Trust me. Do not break it, do not beg him to stay with you. Keep your dignity stay strong, leave and he will come running back. Take control and take power.

 

It will work out for the best I promise you!!!!

 

Edited May 17, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[polish26]

my bf and i have been together for four years, but we have decided to part by the end of the year. it was his decision, not mine...as i am still head over heels in love with him. he still loves me, but i guess not enough to commit his life to me, and i guess--to be honest--the passion must be gone for him. it's an unconventional situation, i suppose...to still be together knowing there is a time limit. but i love him too much to leave...and we both decided that we wanted to have a few more months together before moving on with our lives.

 

the thing is...i don't know if i can move on. i've been in love many times before, but never like this. and tonight, i am just wretched with the fear of life without him. i couldn't sleep next to him, hearing him breathe, without wanting to cry. all i could think was how much i love every little thing about him and how i would give anything to be able to spend my life by his side.

 

meeting him was like something out of a dream. i had never experienced that feeling of seeing a man across the room and thinking--that beautiful man is way out of my league--only to find out he was just as drawn to me. our first year together was the intense, gut-wrenching love of movies and fairy tales...so much so that i couldn't believe it was happening to me. i know it's cheesy and sappy, but it's true. all my other relationships started out fairly casually before they got serious. with him--it was instant and consuming. and he loved me just as much as i loved him.

 

but years pass, and people change. although the intensity of my love hasn't faded, he is young...and still has so much to experience...and perhaps he just wants more from life than i could give. i want to let him go with all my blessing because i love him so. i will set him free so he can be happy. but me... why do i feel like my life is ending? sometimes i wonder if i really will survive this. i dream of disappearing or dying after it is over. i can't imagine ever finding someone like him again--as he is probably one of the most extraordinary people i have met in my life. how can anyone live up? he is so beautiful that people can't help but notice when he enters a room. he is brilliant. he is funny. he is kind. he is silly. he is everything i have ever wanted and more. and for a brief four years, this amazing man loved me. but soon it will be gone and i really think life will be duller, dimmer, and blacker afterward. maybe some of us only meet the love of our life once...and life just never is the same afterward. maybe some of us only live with the happiest times of our lives fading behind us.

 

i know i'm having a weak moment. hopefully i can wake tomorrow with a little more hope in my heart.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are in so much pain! I know you will find someone that will make you just as happy, if not happier than before in the future.

 

But if I may, from what it sounds like, you two live together? I'm not sure but this really can't be healthy for the both of you, especially you. I have been in a similar situation, except my ex never told me about the split, and she said she cried herself to sleep many nights which I can still admit is quite disheartening because it really tells you how bad our communication really was, and it was an unhealthy relationship because of that.

 

I know the pain of losing someone you love especially after a long relationship like yours, mine was only 3.5 years but I still felt loss like never before, and I can tell you for certain that you will be ok!

 

I just believe you need to get out ahead of schedule because it makes no sense to wait for the end of the year to come... what sense does that make? In my honest opinion the sooner you break off and are on your own, the better you will be, you will still feel the pain for a bit that's no lie, but at least you can begin to heal.

 

Read the No Contact guide, and see if this is something that may help you down the road, after you two have separated and get your own space.

 

I don't know if this will help, but I hope you start focusing on more positive things, try hitting the gym or running, find a hobby, do something to help you be YOU.

[crazylove]

So you are planning to split because he won't marry you? What are the main reasons?

[maya.arrow]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

 

I know it sounds like a really unhealthy situation--that we are still together knowing we are going to part--but I guess I chose that situation because I (and he) wanted a little more time together. marriage isn't the issue...it's just that he does not want to be in a relationship anymore. He wants to feel free--he is a very independent person--and I think he is just at a point where he wants to live life on his own terms again. He does still love me, but he loves himself more--as it should be, I guess.

 

I thought about leaving him when I knew he wasn't in it for the long haul, but since I know we are ending anyway, I felt that I loved him enough that despite the sadness, it was worth having this last bit of time together. Nothing else in our relationship really is wrong. We love each other, he is good to me, we have fun together...it's just we are in very different stages of life.

 

Once it's done, I will go non-contact. But I want to be with him until it is over. It's very very very hard...but it's worth it. He is the love of my life--I might not have another. And after it's over, I'll see how I cope. I sometimes think I won't survive. But other times I am so thankful for the person I have become because of him. I have no regrets. But it is very very very painful.

[MissBrunette84]

This is so heartbreaking. I think you have tremendous strength to be able to stay there knowing it will end. I'd be an absolute mess. My heart goes out to you

[dandan89]

I totally understand why you wanna stay but these last months will taint your whole relationship. It is absolute torture being with someone that is not in love with you like they once were.

 

My ex gf of 4 and a half years told me she isn't in love with me but she loves me as a person but that's because of all the amazing times and memories we have. This was just over 3 months ago and it is still so painful even now.

 

There is obviously a part of you that hopes he'll change his mind while your with him but I think you need to get out of there and let him see life without you and if he really did love you he'll realise. But it needs a fair amount of time. He'll respect you more as well and you can part decently and then you work on yourself and make yourself better. Start a new crazy hobby like me, I'm learning to scuba dive, it'll be really fun and it will take my mind off her, this is what you need to do!

 

He could have GIGS though. I generally believe mine has GIGS but I don't see it as because she has GIGS she will be back, she might just find that greener grass. But it's out of my hands either way. I only want her if she truly wants me (I really want her to want me! Lol). We had something so amazing so I do hope she will realise in time but I'm not putting my life on hold.

 

Just think about it, it is not gonna do you any good to stay with him:(

[maya.arrow]

Thank you Miss Brunette and dandan. It's hard to speak of this to anyone so it is so nice to find support here.

 

Dandan, you are really wise when you say that this might taint our relationship. I have thought about that myself. So it is taking all my strength to try not to let my sadness and broken heart interfere with our last months together. I grieve alone, and when I am with him, it is --for the most part--surprisingly easy to be normal. We get along so well, and we are very affectionate, that it almost doesn't feel like anything is ending.

 

Of course I have hopes he will change his mind--but hope is different than expectation or be disillusioned. He absolutely won't change his mind. I know him too well. So in a way, my hopes are just little fantasies that I have that I have absolutely no belief in. When it is over, it will be over. And after that, I will work on all those things you suggest.

 

I don't think it's GIGS for him. He's just not an insecure person or someone who would want to be with someone else, for example, while already in a relationship. He is too honest and self-reliant for that. It's hard to describe, but he is a person who feels very complete and whole on his own. It's something that always intimidated me about him, really.

[dandan89]

Hmmm this is strange then! I can understand that him being affectionate would make it easier whilst being with him. But when you're not your suffering. Do you ever talk to him about it? Because he is not being fair on you, you either want to be with someone or not, not plan an exact date on which you will be parting.

 

I know this is easier said than done and if I were in your shoes I would be totally struggling too but you need to be strong and leave him and let him know what he's lost/losing by himself.

 

You say he is very honest, self-reliant and complete on his own but he still chooses to be with you at this moment in time so he obviously still has love for you. Would he miss you if you were not around? If you don't see him for a few days how is he when you return?

 

Just don't put pressure and guilt into him! This is the worst thing!

[maya.arrow]

I just read this and I had to register just to reply to it.

 

I was in this situation 2 years ago. I met the most beautiful of men he was my everything. I generally believed he was my soulmate, he used to tell me we were meant to be. There were too many coincidences for it not to be. I imagined my whole life with him, growing old with him and he imagined it too. We were only 21 at the time but we spoke about everything and he used to lay in bed next to me staring at me holding my hand telling me the most passionate things. 3 years into the relationship it wasn't working for him. I knew there were slight cracks in the relationship (he had alot of insecurities) and he ended it. I didnt want to be vulnerable so I pretended to agree. When I didnt hear anything for the next few days I panicked. Was this it? I was a mess every second of everyday and I had to see him, persuade him otherwise. I decided to go and see him, hoping that he'd see my face and change his mind. He didn't. It was too late for me to get the train home so I had to stay at his overnight. At first I was so distraught I got on the floor but he told me to come and lay with him in bed. He slept fine. I didnt sleep a wink. I laid there staring at him for what seemed like all of the night. His gorgeous face, gorgeous lips, hair, eyes everything. Listening to him breathe thinking constantly this doesnt make sense were soulmates!! I cried repeatedly because my heart was literally breaking. It took me 2 weeks to stop crying but...and I will emphasise this....I did stop and I did get over it. Everybody does!! EVERYBODY. including you....

 

What I suggest is... you go now. It is unfair for him to tell you he wants out in a few months time. I couldnt bare 1 night of knowing we were ending I would have been in the hospital if it lasted months!

 

It will shock him I promise. He is not expecting you to leave he is expecting you to be there until he decides its time to go. This is ridiculous! Just leave and do not contact him. If you want somebody back you have to stick to no contact. Trust me. Do not break it, do not beg him to stay with you. Keep your dignity stay strong, leave and he will come running back. Take control and take power.

 

It will work out for the best I promise you!!!!

 

 

hi linzig,

 

i was rereading this thread when i realised i never replied to you personally to thank you for registering and responding to my post. i think i was still in a haze of grief and wasn't thinking properly. i don't know if you will ever be back to this forum to read this, but thank you all the same.

 

and thanks to everyone else who took the time to respond. i have about 4 or 5 months left with the love of my life. we have had some very happy months together and it makes me feel like maybe he will change his mind. but he won't...he doesn't even have to tell me. i just know him.

 

dandan--if i left, would he miss me? yes, he will miss me. he often travels for his job though and i know he doesn't really miss me when he is gone. he is just focused on the moment, self-reliant is the best word i have for it. he'll miss me when we part, but he will also be excited by the possibility of a new life, and he will get on with it. i'll go non-contact, and i think i will just die inside for a while. i'll miss him like my heart and lungs have been torn out and will feel the pain in every gasp of air.