boytoy Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) Here's the story. I'm a 30 year old guy, just moved to a new city. I'm a very successful professional, good looking, and have been told that I'm very funny and charismatic, though I'm inconsistent with these attributes (sometimes I'm lame). However, I've always had a hard time making and keeping friends, probably because I am a high achiever, intense, somewhat insecure, have a bit of a temper, mildly self-absorbed, occasionally arrogant, bad at organizing things, and am not very good at connecting with people on a personal level. Nevertheless, I always consciously try to work on these negatives of my personality, and historically every time I have moved to a new area, I eventually made some friends and had a decent life, and I have been in relationships with great girls over the years. Enter my current predicament. I just moved to a new city for a job. My life in the previous city was great, and it was tough moving away. I tried making friends through a sport I play almost religiously, which shall remain nameless because I am wary of identifying myself in this post. Things were going great, and I was collecting a social circle, until one of the guys in that circle decided, for reasons unclear to me, that he doesn't like me. This guy is slightly older than I am, short, not very attractive, very successful professionally but not nearly as successful as I am (I mention this not to put him down, but to suggest possible motivation). However, he has one thing going for him that I don't have: he is incredibly entertaining, funny, and charismatic, and from my observations he can make anyone love him with his banter. He's also gay and in a committed relationship, but doesn't come off as such at all. It appears to me that this guy has made it a goal of his to sabotage my life and get under my skin. Every time we hang out with shared friends, or play the sport in question with the usual people, he makes fun of me, sometimes in cruel ways, every chance he gets. He does it so perfectly, in such a way that it gets under my skin and socially marginalizes me in the eyes of others, but doesn't reflect poorly on him in the perception of others. He does this one thing that drives me crazy: he makes cruel jokes at my expense to others under his breath so they can hear but not I, and when I ask what he said he always says "I didn't say anything forget about it." He also purposely seeks out my friends who aren't his friends, and tries to befriend them, and recruits them to his social circle where they can all go do things together that he purposely excludes me from. At some point, he even made it explicit to me when I suggested he substitute for me in my team while I was out of town (before I realized his intentions): "That's not a good idea for you. I'll steal your teammates. People like me and I can pull it off." I'm at a loss about what to do about this guy. I tried being nice to him in order to win him over, but it has backfired each time. I thought about beating him up; I am much bigger and stronger, so it would be easy. However, I'd like to think I'm past the age where people fight, and moreover I sense that that's what he would want me to do, and he would probably sue me and use such an incident in order to socially marginalize me even more than he already has. My current strategy is to steer clear of him as much as possible, though that's difficult given that we hang out in a common sports/social circle. So here's my main question: What is the right way to deal with this guy and minimize the damage he is trying to do to my life? Can he be neutralized? He is much better than I am with people, so I'm not ever going to win that battle directly. I am also doubtful that I can win him over, and frankly I dislike him so much at this point that I really don't want to be his friend. So what do I do? My second question is: Why is he doing it? What is his motivation? Is it jealousy that I'm better looking, more successful, more athletic, etc? Or is he just sick and likes to hurt people? I would like to understand this. Edited May 14, 2012 by boytoy
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 A few suggestions.... Get a friend who's neutral, or who hates him just as much, to take him to one side and have a word with him? Something to the effect if "You really need to back off...people know what you're doing and boytoy has a lot of friends who don'r find your attitude funny...." you need to do a private and quiet straw poll of what people think... If the majority think you're being over-sensitive, then maybe you need to address your own confidence... either give back as good as you get, or just "rolleyes" at him and say something like "jealousy doesn't become you little girl...." You have to build up your confidence and believe that he's deliberately arrempting to erode your self-esteem, and be determined to not let him....
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