reallyhotguy Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Hey everyone. Two years ago (has it been that long already?) I came to this forum asking for help with a girl that broke my heart. As per your advice, I went NC with her, and all has been well. Today, she messaged me on Facebook to congratulate me on a new job, which she heard about through a mutual friend. She also wonders if we could try rebuilding our friendship. She's currently out of the country, and even when she returns, she'll be 3,000 miles away, so boundaries would be quite easy to enforce. This would basically amount to catching up over coffee once a year, if that, and a ceremonious "putting down of the dagger". Also, I really do miss her -- I've known her since I was a sophomore in high school, and we used to be close. I also forgave her for her foibles long ago. That said, I do think she has done some ****ty things to me and other men in the past, and I certainly do not trust her. I've always had feelings for her, too, and I know how powerful those old feelings can be -- so I guess I could say that a small part of me doesn't trust myself wit her. Our relationship had always been fraught and dysfunctional due to that attraction, and part of my going NC was accepting that despite my attempts, a normal friendship has never proved to be possible with her. Furthermore, my life has been just fine without her -- I'm also seeing someone seriously now and am extremely happy with that, not that I fear a friendship with her could in any way threaten what I have with my current SO. These are just some factors to consider. I'm torn. What's the right thing to do here?
Art_Critic Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I'm also seeing someone seriously now and am extremely happy with that, Keep that in the forefront... No way should you be getting coffee with an ex and catching up if you are in a committed relationship.. If you did do that do it with your present GF knowing what you are doing.
threebyfate Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Uncertain if I would recommend this for you, specifically. Something tells me you'd have problems maintaining boundaries since you're heavily influenced by your environment. This isn't an insult, just an honest assessment of you.
Author reallyhotguy Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Uncertain if I would recommend this for you, specifically. Something tells me you'd have problems maintaining boundaries since you're heavily influenced by your environment. This isn't an insult, just an honest assessment of you. That's fair, and something I'm concerned with as well. I particularly don't have the greatest impulse control. No way should you be getting coffee with an ex and catching up if you are in a committed relationship.. If you did do that do it with your present GF knowing what you are doing. That's a good point -- my gut reaction is discomfort at the idea of telling my GF about it, which is a bad sign. Although that said, I don't really think of her as an "ex", strangely, probably because I've known her since I was still a kid.
trist Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 no, forget the time.., pull the plug and don't even think about her... first off, you don't trust her, without trust there can't be love... period, end of discussion. secondly, she'd be 3000 miles away so what are you gonna do? give ups your new job and head across the country? third, you have a new girl, one that you were presumably happy with up until the ex contacted you... considering how you felt 2 years ago when the ex ripped your heart out of your chest while it was still beating, and held it in the palm of her hands, why would you even contemplate doing it to the current girlfriend? you don't trust her, you don't trust yourself, hell you don't even want to mention it to the current gf, so you already know you're doing something wrong... your own words exactly where; you were doing fine without her... so why fack it all up?
Author reallyhotguy Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 no, forget the time.., pull the plug and don't even think about her... first off, you don't trust her, without trust there can't be love... period, end of discussion. secondly, she'd be 3000 miles away so what are you gonna do? give ups your new job and head across the country? third, you have a new girl, one that you were presumably happy with up until the ex contacted you... considering how you felt 2 years ago when the ex ripped your heart out of your chest while it was still beating, and held it in the palm of her hands, why would you even contemplate doing it to the current girlfriend? you don't trust her, you don't trust yourself, hell you don't even want to mention it to the current gf, so you already know you're doing something wrong... your own words exactly where; you were doing fine without her... so why fack it all up? Because it's really not that extreme. My gut reaction was to not tell my current gf because I dont want her to worry, not because I want to be shady; ultimately I'd be very open about this. I also have no interest in dating this ex nor her I; it would strictly be a low-key friendship. She has always been a bit self-centered but she knows me in a way very few do. The more people you cut off like that in this world, the less you have that may be at your death bed. I want to do what's right.
trist Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 ultimately it's your decision, i gave my opinion, nothing more nothing less... but let me play devil's advocate... if the situation was reverse, and your current girl had an ex she still harbored remote feelings for and he reappeared in her life, AND she didn't tell you about it, (or even if she did because she planned on having a low key friendship with the dude) how would you feel??
Recommended Posts