Exit Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I've finally been feeling better. I didn't want to jinx it by coming here to post about it right away and then finding myself going right back downhill hours or minutes later. So I chose to just sit with this feeling for a while to make sure it wasn't entirely temporary, and what can I say... it suddenly seems the pain that used to come with thinking about her has finally diminished greatly. I still worry about jinxing my progress by talking about it but on the other hand I feel like getting it in writing may help solidify it. The strange thing is how this transition to feeling better over the last couple of days actually began, totally opposite from what you'd expect. If I have my days and nights in order in my mind, then it must have been Friday night that I actually had a vivid, crushing dream about losing her all over again. Yeah, that's right, these couple days of feeling better didn't start with some dream about the next great girl I'm going to meet, or some dream message about how this all happened for the best. It hardly makes sense to say it, but this all started with another horribly painful dream about missing her. When we first started dating I was still living at home with my family. So, in this dream, she was upstairs in my room waiting for me, and I was down on the main floor of the house, and I don't remember what my parents were talking to me about, but they were just going onnn and onnn and they wouldn't let me go back upstairs and I wasn't getting to spend any time with her and it was driving me nuts. Finally I was able to tear myself away from the conversation with my parents, and when I got upstairs, my ex was in my room and she was all prettied up, she looked so amazing, yet she was dressed and had her things gathered as if she was ready to leave. And she told me that it had gotten too late and she needed to go home. I felt so guilty for having left her up in my room alone and wasting the entire night downstairs. She wasn't even telling me that we were breaking up or anything like that, she was just telling me it was a shame that we missed out on a night together and she had to get going. But with the way dreams can be, I obviously attached the breakup to what was going on at this point, and in the dream I got really sad and I started to cry. She kinda laughed and said what's wrong, I just have to go home for the night, I'm coming back ya know. But subconsciously I knew this was about our relationship ending. (And wow, for as good as I've been feeling, writing this last part is bringing tears to my eyes right now, but not in a bad way, it's just how powerful the end of this dream was...). She, and the entire dream, kinda started to fade away at that point, and I reached out to try to hang on to her so she wouldn't go, with so much effort in the dream that I actually ended up sitting up in bed with both of my arms reached out, and that obviously woke me up. I've had vivid dreams here and there before but I still can't believe I actually sat up in bed like that trying to hold on to her. Holy crap did it hurt to open my eyes and remember the dream and her fading away and to realize why I was sitting up like that. So that was it. As I settled back into bed, my immediate thought about the dream was that it was an obvious representation of the affect my parents used to have on the relationships I had during the years when I was still young and at home. But then as this weekend went by, and I realized suddenly I wasn't hurting so much, I started to put a different spin on my interpretation of it, I feel like it was about me finally saying goodbye to all of it. She had to go and I couldn't hold on. Adding to the irony is that I had this dream pretty much right at or around the 6 month mark since getting dumped. Maybe I finally had enough of suffering every day. I've analyzed it every way possible for 6 months and been in pain rethinking what happened over and over again. Maybe I've finally had my fill and I have no more pain left to give to this situation and that dream was the last hurrah and suddenly there's been a sense of calm in the days following. We shall see. Ironically the biggest test I wanted to give my new found mood was how I would feel after sleeping the next night and waking up the next day, because usually first thing in the morning when my eyes open is when I love to torture myself by immediately thinking about the love that I lost and hurting about it for the first half hour of the day. So I wanted to see if that would no longer happen. But I couldn't sleep last night. I've been awake since the morning after that dream. So waking up tomorrow will be my first test to see if I'm greeted with my usual agony, or if I'm finally transitioning to the point where I can wake up in the morning and think about something, anything else going on in my life. Anyways that's my story. I've noticed I haven't been in as much pain since then. In some strange way I almost feel like suddenly I can't remember her clearly enough to even be able to miss her. Something in my mind is different now. Maybe it was just a silly dream, it certainly wasn't the first one about her in these 6 months, but it was such a powerful experience, maybe it was my subconscious letting go of something. I certainly hope so. I'm not here proclaiming I'm 100% better not but I'm certainly ready to say I'm at least over the hump and heading for better days.
Tree_Salmon Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Glad to hear it. I had a very similar occurrence last week. Dream and all. I think this is probably the case for a few more people here. Just don't get completely destroyed if you fall back into pain some time. Right now you're going through a ton of emotions so you wont know what tomorrow brings. I have had some "relapse" since the last week and I have felt that pain again but this time it goes away much quicker. Use it. Use your progress as strength. We are probably dealing with this better than most people. I watch people jump on to the next thing all the time. It's much more beneficial to just go through it like this. I hope it gets even better for you. I'm in the same spot. Staying tough every day. And when it hurts I just go over how strong it makes me.
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