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Posted

I've posted my situation below, but after two weeks of not talking to my love, I was hoping I would feel better. I still love her so much...it hurts. I am standing by to probably not contact her though because it will continue to be painful. I thought about this all day...Now it's 1am and I can't sleep...I know I left in a bad way, but want to try to work on my marriage. I can't talk to her...

 

When does the pain stop? My heart just aches for my love, but I'm trying to be strong...I've never ached this much.

Posted

I can't say how long it will last for you, but 2 weeks is nothing. In fact, 2-3 weeks is often just hitting a peak in pain, sometimes worse than the 1st week. After that it usually gets better, but there can still be times when it flares up again.

 

Certainly getting involved in activities help, physical activity like running, volunteering, socializing. You have to get involved in things that require your focus so thoughts of the A and AP don't consume all your time. Some people get really organized, only allowing a certain period of time each day to ruminate, and push away thoughts outside this time. I've never tried that myself, but different things can work for different people. Still it is tough, and sometimes you just have to go with the pain, tell yourself that you'll get through this, and force yourself to get involved in other things, even when they don't seem enjoyable right now. The worse thing is too have too much free time on your hands.

 

Some people need medication to get through. Counselling can help too.

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Posted

That is what I have right now..too much time on my hands. I remember I told my love a few months back that if things ended, it would take us a few months to feel better. That was hypothetical ofcourse..not knowing what the future would bring, but it seems likely in my case.

Posted
That is what I have right now..too much time on my hands. I remember I told my love a few months back that if things ended, it would take us a few months to feel better. That was hypothetical ofcourse..not knowing what the future would bring, but it seems likely in my case.

 

I'd suggest doing whatever you can to not have a lot of time to just think and not do much. I don't know what you situation is but I'd try to think of some things, taking classes, volunteering, finding a running/tennis/whatever partner,... I think having a lot of spare time makes it much worse.

Posted

When you finally see her for what she is compared to what you thought she was............then the pain will stop.

 

You're in pain because you miss the memory of how she made you feel.... realize she wasn't planning on leaving her marriage and you were the side dish...

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Posted

I know she didn't leave her marriage, but I never said I would either...though I would have. I tried to do the right thing by letting us both give our marriages a chance. I know it will take some time, but I will feel better soon..

Posted

It will hurt til it hurts no more...

Posted

If you want the hurt to stop and you truly love her, then go to her, be with her.

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Posted
When you finally see her for what she is compared to what you thought she was............then the pain will stop.

 

You're in pain because you miss the memory of how she made you feel.... realize she wasn't planning on leaving her marriage and you were the side dish...

 

A couple of months ago I met my XMM again. We have made peace but it took almost 18 months.

 

I looked at him and asked myself what I ever saw in him, why I cried my heart out for months. He's such a lying *******.

 

It takes a long time to stop hurting and it also takes a long time to see MAP as what they are.... just a cheat with no respect for either you or the spouse.

 

Keep busy and keep writing and reading here.

 

GG

Posted

From what I've read if you end the EMR and stay in the marriage for the wrong reasons, ie altruistic reasons, you will never fully get over it and you are in fact inclined to have another EMR in the future to try to fill the void that was created.

Posted
When you finally see her for what she is compared to what you thought she was............then the pain will stop.

 

You're in pain because you miss the memory of how she made you feel.... realize she wasn't planning on leaving her marriage and you were the side dish...

 

You really are seeing her through rose colored glasses right now, which is totally understandable.You are idealizing this other woman, and choosing not to see the negatives ( not being critical of you doing this, we've all done it at some point or another). Even the language you use ("my love") indicates how you feel.

 

All of this would be great were you both single and able to be together. But you're not. That's the cold, hard truth. To be honest ( and I know it will hurt to hear this), it really sounds like you have assigned much more meaning to this relationship that she ever did. Look at it this way...she may have been somewhat unhappy or bored in her marriage, and looking for "something on the side" to provide some distraction. You were a safe person for her to be with, as you were married too, and therefore presented little risk for fallout to her. She could be with you and not have to worry that you would cause any "waves" in her life.

Really, she sounds no different than most of the other married men/women on here who just want something on the side, while still keeping their marriage. They get to have the "fun" other man/woman, while still keeping the "safe" spouse at home.

While she may have used a lot of nice words with you, what do her actions show? Words come cheap, action is costly.

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Posted
All of this would be great were you both single and able to be together. But you're not. That's the cold, hard truth. To be honest ( and I know it will hurt to hear this), it really sounds like you have assigned much more meaning to this relationship that she ever did. Look at it this way...she may have been somewhat unhappy or bored in her marriage, and looking for "something on the side" to provide some distraction. You were a safe person for her to be with, as you were married too, and therefore presented little risk for fallout to her. She could be with you and not have to worry that you would cause any "waves" in her life.

Really, she sounds no different than most of the other married men/women on here who just want something on the side, while still keeping their marriage. They get to have the "fun" other man/woman, while still keeping the "safe" spouse at home.

While she may have used a lot of nice words with you, what do her actions show? Words come cheap, action is costly.

 

You are yourself married. Is the above true for you? If not, it's likely not true for her either.

Posted
You are yourself married. Is the above true for you? If not, it's likely not true for her either.

 

 

not quite sure what you mean...

 

i am married, but have never cheated. My thoughts are based upon what so many on here have said, as well as some real life experience with being cheated on, etc. I've also been in more than a few relationships, and know from first hand experience that it hurts when they end and the things that helped me get through it.

 

I think most marriages go through times when a spouse may get a little bored, may wonder if there is more out there. Some people realize these thoughts are often transient and don't ever act on them, and some do decide to act on them. They have an affair not because they want to end their marriage, but because they are "bored" ( or whatever other term one would like to use)

The OP's other woman told him she was separated from her husband, and he indicates that he fell in love with her, and that she knew this. Yet her marriage is still intact ( he even says he knew she wouldn't leave her marriage). That, to me, seems pretty contradictory. If she was separated, there wasn't a marriage to leave.

 

i'm simply suggesting to him that he is hurting, which is totally understandable...he's had his heart broken. But I really think that if he were to examine the relationship, he may see that there was not as much to it as he thinks there was, and that may make it easier to move on.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for your replies. I feel like I've painted my love in a harsh light. She didn't trick me...she was thinking of separating, then I left to cone hone to Europe for two months. In those two months, she and her husband tried to work through things. When I returned, I contacted her, not the other way around. I wanted to pursue things...she told me if i never told her I was back, it would have been easier. I wanted to be with her...she still struggled....month 5 she said she wanted to try to work things out more with her husband. She tried to end it with me, but I persisted. It was like this a few times...i tried to say goodbye too, but she contacted me...I think we both had issues and tried to do the right thing the whole time. It was just hard when we loved each other so much.

Posted (edited)
not quite sure what you mean...

 

i am married, but have never cheated. My thoughts are based upon what so many on here have said, as well as some real life experience with being cheated on, etc. I've also been in more than a few relationships, and know from first hand experience that it hurts when they end and the things that helped me get through it.

 

I think most marriages go through times when a spouse may get a little bored, may wonder if there is more out there. Some people realize these thoughts are often transient and don't ever act on them, and some do decide to act on them. They have an affair not because they want to end their marriage, but because they are "bored" ( or whatever other term one would like to use)

The OP's other woman told him she was separated from her husband, and he indicates that he fell in love with her, and that she knew this. Yet her marriage is still intact ( he even says he knew she wouldn't leave her marriage). That, to me, seems pretty contradictory. If she was separated, there wasn't a marriage to leave.

 

i'm simply suggesting to him that he is hurting, which is totally understandable...he's had his heart broken. But I really think that if he were to examine the relationship, he may see that there was not as much to it as he thinks there was, and that may make it easier to move on.

 

I should have said: "You are yourself married and in an extramarital relationship." I think it is very hard for those who have never been in one to fathom all the contradictive emotions you can feel torn between your new love and the marriage, to fathom the strong love you can feel for your AP all the while struggling with your desire to do the right thing.

 

Stoneman and his MW were in a relationship. Likely their emotions are mutual. Her heart too is probably broken now.

 

Thanks for your replies. I feel like I've painted my love in a harsh light. She didn't trick me...she was thinking of separating, then I left to cone hone to Europe for two months. In those two months, she and her husband tried to work through things. When I returned, I contacted her, not the other way around. I wanted to pursue things...she told me if i never told her I was back, it would have been easier. I wanted to be with her...she still struggled....month 5 she said she wanted to try to work things out more with her husband. She tried to end it with me, but I persisted. It was like this a few times...i tried to say goodbye too, but she contacted me...I think we both had issues and tried to do the right thing the whole time. It was just hard when we loved each other so much.

 

Both of you are trying to do the right thing but are also pulled back together by the strong love you share.

 

Stoneman, take a good look at your marriage and consider why you want to stay in it when you love someone else like that. Is it really doing the right thing to stay when you love another?

Edited by trinity1
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Posted
From what I've read if you end the EMR and stay in the marriage for the wrong reasons, ie altruistic reasons, you will never fully get over it and you are in fact inclined to have another EMR in the future to try to fill the void that was created.

 

lots of truth to this. you must replace her with a new you. either work on the marriage/fix it or leave it.

 

for now you must have NC with OW and work on you, you happiness, search the meaning of the void you are trying to fill.

  • Author
Posted

As much as I love her, I must give my marriage a chance. We haven't lived together full time since we got married. We have no children. I can't even live with her now ad she is still in Kosovo...I'm in Western Europe staying with relatives. I don't want to give up on her. I need to try to make it work when she can get a visa to live where i am...I ferl like she has been shafted by me not living with het, but job opportunities presented and it didn't work that way. So, even though I love my love abroad, i must give my marriage a chance I feel...if it doesn't work, I will take the action needed.

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Posted
Thanks for your replies. I feel like I've painted my love in a harsh light. She didn't trick me...she was thinking of separating, then I left to cone hone to Europe for two months. In those two months, she and her husband tried to work through things. When I returned, I contacted her, not the other way around. I wanted to pursue things...she told me if i never told her I was back, it would have been easier. I wanted to be with her...she still struggled....month 5 she said she wanted to try to work things out more with her husband. She tried to end it with me, but I persisted. It was like this a few times...i tried to say goodbye too, but she contacted me...I think we both had issues and tried to do the right thing the whole time. It was just hard when we loved each other so much.

 

I don't think she's a bad person, but I do think that there is something within herself that she is looking for, or that needs to be addressed. Is it at all possible that having a relationship with you allowed her to ignore the issues in her life ( whatever they may have been) , almost a "band aid' of sorts? Is it possible that's what she did for you as well? I don't mean to sound snide, but it wasn't this particular woman, do you think that you would have not had an affair, or do you think that you aren't really happy in your marriage and if it wasn't her, then it would have been someone else?

 

It sounds like you have some serious issues with your wife, the main one being that you really don't want to be married to her. This does not make you a horrible person in and of itself...it's how you handle it that matters. You have to decide what you want in your life. If it's to be married, then the other woman has no place in your life, other than perhaps as a bittersweet memory. If you decide that your marriage is not what you want, then it's time to make some difficult decisions and set about the process of ending things with your wife.

 

I highly recommend, either way, that you tell your wife what happened. If you decide you want to stay with her, then she'll know where you, and she, stand. If you decide you want a divorce, it may help her to understand why. As it stands right now, her marriage is being influenced by a situation she knows nothing about. All she may know is that you are acting "weird", but she won't know why...she may be blaming herself right now for your sadness...do you think that is at all fair to her?

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Posted

You make some great points...it is not fair to my wife. I don't want to tell her what happened though. I want to see how things progress for us at this point...as for my love, no I don't think I would have had an affair with anyone else. This woman was everything I had been looking for...physically, mentally...she was beautiful and so smart and sweet. I believe in fate. I believe we were meant to meet if only to create a beautiful memory. I've been with beautiful women before...I have never felt this way about a woman. I had never felt happier. I couldn't get enough. That's why I left. It was torture having those feelings when you can't fully be with someone and when its a secret. My brother and my cousin knew her..knew she and I had sex, but I couldn't tell them we whete in love. Now I must try to do what's right and give my marriage a full chance...I must. It's only fair to het and my family.

Posted (edited)
As much as I love her, I must give my marriage a chance. We haven't lived together full time since we got married. We have no children. I can't even live with her now ad she is still in Kosovo...I'm in Western Europe staying with relatives. I don't want to give up on her. I need to try to make it work when she can get a visa to live where i am...I ferl like she has been shafted by me not living with het, but job opportunities presented and it didn't work that way. So, even though I love my love abroad, i must give my marriage a chance I feel...if it doesn't work, I will take the action needed.

 

OK...so which relationship are you going to focus on...which relationship are you going to keep, and which are you going to end?

 

You HAVE TO end one of them, you know. The two are mutually exclusive...pursuing one means killing the other.

 

So...are you going to work on your marriage and end your contact with OW...or are you going to end the marriage and seek a life with the OW?

 

Pick a direction...from there folks here can give you advice on how to reach the goal you've specified.

 

I wanted to add...you still face the very real possibility of losing both relationships at this point. It's something to keep in mind. Reconciling with your wife will very likely result in admitting the truth to her if she doesn't already know...and giving her the same option of reconciling or ending the marriage as well. Ending up alone is always a LIKELY outcome of infidelity.

Edited by Owl
Posted

If you don't feel that telling your wife is the right thing for you to do, then it's important to find some way to put the affair behind you before you try to make your marriage work. It's pretty hard to give it 100% if you are still pining for someone else. Do you feel that getting some counseling or talking with someone you really trust about what has happened would be helpful to you?

 

best of luck to you. I hope that you are able to work this out in a way that makes everyone involved ( you, your wife and your ex other woman) happy:)

Posted
You make some great points...it is not fair to my wife. I don't want to tell her what happened though. I want to see how things progress for us at this point...as for my love, no I don't think I would have had an affair with anyone else. This woman was everything I had been looking for...physically, mentally...she was beautiful and so smart and sweet. I believe in fate. I believe we were meant to meet if only to create a beautiful memory. I've been with beautiful women before...I have never felt this way about a woman. I had never felt happier. I couldn't get enough. That's why I left. It was torture having those feelings when you can't fully be with someone and when its a secret. My brother and my cousin knew her..knew she and I had sex, but I couldn't tell them we whete in love. Now I must try to do what's right and give my marriage a full chance...I must. It's only fair to het and my family.

 

If your wife isn't "your love", isn't "everything you've been looking for"...

 

...then why in the heck are you even bothering trying to give your marriage a shot?

 

THAT isn't fair to your wife, nor to you.

 

I suggest you file for divorce if this is a clear picture of how you (don't) feel for your wife. Better for everyone involved, IMHO.

Posted

I agree with Owl in cases where the M is the type most of us are familiar with, one based on love, sharing, respect, openness, trust.

 

Having an arranged M and then not living together for years right after marriage, suggests maybe you have a different view of M. Do you and your W not expect openness and honesty from each other? What do you think would happen if you told you W the truth? Do you think she would divorce you then?

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Posted

I admit I've made a lot of bad decisions..only seeing one's spouse two months out of the year is not ideal. I wish this were easy. I've already cut off contact with my love abroad. So, that is that. I didn't stop loving her though. I just decided I needed to do what was right..to move back to Europe and focus on my marriage, no matter how hard. I can't continue to pursue a love that isn't going anywhere...what I can do?? My love and I couldn't be together forever, no matter how much I wanted. It was too hard, too stressful.

 

I chose to stay with my wife and to work on our marriage. I think things will feel better when we live together permanently.

Posted

How can things be better between you when "your love" isn't her?

 

How can your marriage be what you want it to be when you're "in love" with someone else?

 

How can your marriage improve if your wife remains with you under the deception that you love her first and foremost, that that you've remained honest and faithful to her...and how could your marriage improve if it's possible that you'd discard it all again in a moment if "your love" showed up at your door stating she was divorced???

 

I'm very pro-marriage, don't take me wrong. I'm also the BS in a marriage that recovered well from my wife's involvement with another man.

 

But...it didn't happen while she was still firmly convinced that OM was "her love".

 

Read my signature. Are you prepared to actually make your marriage your top priority...'forsaking all others'...even if "your love" showed up claiming she was yours.........or are you "settling" for your wife because you've got nowhere else to go?

 

If it's your wife you want...give her the respect of telling her the whole truth of the situation, so that she can decide if she still wants you after all of this...and in the light of knowing you're still "in love" with someone else.

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