nevadagirl Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I have been NC with my ex for about 6 months. We have been broken u about 9 months. The last shallow reach out from him was in early march. I got really good at being able to use the internet without even trying to check up. But that's why. I am here now. I sometimes feel like I am on the right path to true recovery. But when I am alone...which is a lot of the time...I find myself thinking about him a lot. Missing him. Fussing at him in my mind. It is the worst when I am alone which I assume is normal. I've since met a new guy I like more than usual but he lives in another state so I am still alone most of the time. I am worried that I haven't moved on. Or that I tell myself that I am moving on but deep inside I am still messed up. It is easy for me to not check his facebook now...but it is out of fear. Fear that he has moved on. Fear that his life is so good without me. I know my strength doesn't come from the indifference I so desperately seek. How do you know when its safe to look again? I know NC is the obvious answer to healing but at this point I worry that I'm so good at NC because I haven't accepted the loss and don't want to see the truth. Is it ever wise to look into their life just to punch yourself in the face and accept reality? Or is NC accepting reality?
Exit Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) "When is it safe to look again?". The real question is "why would you ever need to look again?". It's funny how Facebook, at one time, did not even exist, yet now that it does, people come up with these big philosophical questions all based upon whether or not we should ever look at our ex's online representation of their new life. You know what has been incredibly healing for me since getting dumped? Getting the hell off of Facebook, completely. Anyone who wants to know about my life can text me or give me a call, or god forbid, hang out with me in person. Yes in theory there are some nice things about social websites, sharing pictures and news with friends, but again, not too long ago in history, people shared pictures and stories without the need of some website. It would be one thing if it was just a happy-go-lucky website for pictures and stories. In reality, it is a drama factory with so many downsides. How many relationships have been torn apart by drama on Facebook, emotionally cheating through the internet, ex boyfriends and girlfriends popping up years down the road and sending you a message, etc. I've heard other people refer to Facebook as the relationship killer and I can't say I totally disagree. Say you look at your ex's Facebook. What if he's seemingly doing amazing? My first thought about that would be, how many people embellish their stories and sugar coat their entire lives, when they are in control of what they reveal to other people through a social networking site? Someone could get fired from their job, have a huge argument with their family, get in a car accident, any number of things, but if all they choose to post on their Facebook that week is "I love my boyfriend/girlfriend soooo much", that's what you're going to see, and that's what you're going to believe. And what if you looked at it and it appeared he was doing terrible? Would that comfort you? Or would that create even more confusion and pain than knowing that the person who left you is actually happy with their decision. What if you see that he's been doing absolutely terrible and that STILL hasn't been enough for them to really miss you and want to come back. The only thing a vulnerable dumpee would be happy to see on their ex's Facebook page is a big fat "single" relationship status with a bunch of cryptic posts making reference to the person they regret dumping and making the biggest mistake of their lives. I assure you, you aren't going to see anything like that. Besides, you mention that he did reach out to you in March, in some fashion that you have deemed "shallow". Well, if whatever contact you got from him wasn't satisfying enough, what do you possibly think you're going to see on his page that's going to make you feel better? You don't need to look ever again. You're choosing to look at the idea of "achieving indifference" as "the day I can look at his profile and not care what I see". I think you need to adjust your idea of indifference to something more along the lines of "I don't care what he does or doesn't have on his Facebook and I certainly don't care enough to try to look". Edited May 13, 2012 by Exit 1
Author nevadagirl Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 Everything you say makes sense. I've already been through all of the fb bull**** and I know what you mean about the different conclusions one can wrongly come to based on what we see there. He reached out a lot over the course of our breakup. He found his validation in my pain. At one point he called me and left a voicemail that he had lost his car. I knew it was a. Big deal because I didn't know how he'd possibly get another one. It made me feel good that his life at that moment sucked. Months later, after a small stalk, I realized he never did get a car. I felt very badly for him. I have no idea how he's doing now. You're right. I should approach indifference the way you say. But that is not how my mind is processing this. I wait for the day I don't care. The day I could speak to him and not care that he's happy. There may be no good reason to look into a snapshot of his life. But my concern is my fear. I'm not as healed as I thought. As time goes on, it becomes scary. It scares me that I still argue with him in my head. It scares me ill be alone forever when at this point I should be accostomed to it.
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