relationship_learner Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Hi Everyone, I appreciate all of you in advance for trying to help out! Here is my story. I was with this girl for 2 years. Because of our unique situation, we know we couldn't be together in the future for a long time. My gf decided that she wanted to go her own path, and she planned to move to another state in July. So, we sort of broke up, but it wasn't very clear, we didn't say exactly that we broke up. So, we still stayed together and treat each other the same as if we were still together for about 2-3 months. During these times, she went out with different people without me knowing about it. One day, she told me that she went out to dinner with a guy and she thought she liked him, and it killed me. A week later, she said she couldn't hang out with me on a Friday because of her "friend's bday". So, I found out from her the next day that she also went to see that guy and they went to one of the places we used to go when we first went out (btw, she didn't like to go to that place when I suggested it). so it really killed me the second time. Then we had arguments for 2 days after that. Finally on sunday, she hung up on me in the middle of yelling and went straight to that guy's house. She gave me very cold attitude when i finally caught her back on the phone telling me that she didn't want the guy to wait and will talk to me tomorrow. I totally broke down that day, so I texted her that "alright, I will make it easy for you". Then we went to NC. A few days later, I found in my email her letter saying that she appreciated all the memories and all that crap. But telling me that there is no way that she will come back to me, and she wanted to respect the new guy so she won't want to be in contact with me. But she wanted to leave in good term as friends and all that. I was mad and humiliated and disappointed and hopeless. I didn't reply back to her. We were in NC for 3 weeks, last week I got her message asking me if I ever will talk to her again and why do i have to act like a stranger. I ignored it for 4-5 days. However, I read the text messages every single day and cried every single day. I don't know what she wants right now. Sometimes I just want to find out if there is a way back, but I thought about what she said in the email and I am afraid that she will treat me the same way she treated me before. She's probably happy with a new guy. Does she text me just to make herself feel better when I reply "I am fine"? I still miss her very much, but I kept justifying reasons to text her back such as, maybe she realizes and wants to come back. She's leaving so maybe i should say goodbye, etc... I know that if I texted her and find out that she's happy and have no intention to come back and I will go back to square one and be as devastated as that sunday night. I am very confused. Please help...
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Permit me to allay your confusion. she just wants to validate her kindness towards you and wants you to contact her to make her feel better, not you. she feels guilt for having unceremoniously dumped you, so she wants you to reassure her and make her feel less bad.... If you read the Caliguy No Contact guide in my signature, you'll see what i mean. she's throwing breadcrumbs at you, to engineer a let-off the hook - for herself.
ThatDudeXO Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 She left you for someone else? Ignore her my friend. She may regret her decision, feel that there's something in her life or just relieve herself of the guilt of treating you so badly. NONE of those above reasons are good enough for you to reply. Leave her be. For how long? FOREVER! She disrespected you and treated you like crap by dumping you for another guy, what's to say she won't do it again? She basically cheated on you. Best of luck and well done for not replying!
Patrice Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Hang tough ... she treated you badly, time to go NC and let it be ... better fish in the sea.
Rorschach64 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 You won't know what she wants unless she spells it out to you unprovoked, because there is a wonderfully great chance that she doesn't even know herself. I feel your pain with looking back on what once was but going back is not moving forward...it isn't progress. I would suggest keeping the silence. If my advice falls on deaf ears or eyes or whatever, at least weigh the pros and cons of responding to her then decide if it is even worth it. 1
Exit Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) Some ex's just can't get over the "let's be friends" complex following a breakup. It's one of those things in life where on paper, it kind of makes sense. If you cared about someone enough to share an intimate, romantic relationship, and some day decided it just wasn't going to work out, isn't there still something there, can't you at least still be friends? But there are plenty of things that make sense in theory that just don't apply to real life. Being friends afterwards just doesn't work that way. Only in the most mutual of all mutual breakups can it maybe work, where magically two people, during the exact same period of time, both come to the conclusion that they don't want to "be together" but would like to stay in each other's lives. But hah, how often does that happen? Just about every breakup in the history of the world is a one sided situation where the other person doesn't really want it to happen. You spelled out your feelings quite clearly, if you were to stay in touch with her, it would be out of hope that she's going to come back, or feeling like you have some sort of responsibility to say goodbye to her even though she is the one leaving the relationship, and you followed that up by saying that if you hear any more information about how happy she is and about how great this new relationship is, it's going to hurt you. So that leaves pretty much zero room for rationalizing why it would be a good idea to be in touch with her. I don't even want to plant the idea in your head of replying to her, but if I were to say anything at all, it would be something along the lines of "in a perfect world, we'd be able to transition into a friendship and everything would be okay, but my feelings for you have not yet diminished as yours have for me, and as strange as it may be to end up being like strangers to each other, it's just too painful for me to act like I'm happy to be your friend while someone else takes the place of your romantic interest". Isn't there even a song called "strangers again" or something like that? I can't remember exactly what I'm thinking of, but there's some song or poem out there addressing how strange it is that after a relationship breaks, you kinda do go back to not even knowing that person, as it was before you ever met. Anyways, in your vulnerable state of mind, please don't focus in on the one part of my reply where I said "if you were to reply to her", I'm not really advocating it at all. The message I wrote above can just be your internal dialogue to yourself. You know you're not ignoring her cuz you hate her or you just want to be childish and spiteful about the breakup, you know you can't be friends with her because that's just not the way things were meant to be with her in your universe. If you really don't feel right leaving her hanging with absolute silence, then you need to figure out what one message you can say to her to finalize this clean break and walk away. But that is such a slippery slope, breaking No Contact once leads to twice, and three times, and before you know it you'll still be talking to this girl sporadically months down the line, rather than healing your heart and getting over it. As others have said, you're the one who got the short end of the stick here, you got left behind in the dust while she is going out with someone else. If the worst she gets is wondering why you can't be friends and never getting a reply, tough cookies. As a matter of fact, she should be the one to rationalize everything that happened and should be sending you a message that says sorry things happened this way and I know we can't just pretend to be friends. So often the people who get dumped end up taking on this misplaced sense of guilt where we feel like we're the ones who need to think of a thoughtful message to send them to make sure their feelings aren't hurt and to make sure they understand why we can't be friends. Sounds kind of silly, doesn't it? Screw that. She didn't care about anything but herself when she made the decision to bail on your relationship because she thinks she found something better. Why should you be racking your brain about how to reply to her and help her to understand why you won't be in touch with her. Anyways, this ended up being a really long rant going in all different directions. Bottom line, it does suck that when a relationship ends, two people who grew incredibly close and shared an amazing bond, basically become strangers again, but that's what happens. You don't need to say anything to her, but if you're going to let it drive you nuts that you didn't say a final goodbye or you don't want her misunderstanding the reasons behind your actions, then you can maybe allow yourself one final, brief message that just explains that your refusal to be friends isn't about spite or hard feelings, it's just the way it needs to be. But for now I would go with just not saying anything. You'd be sitting there trying to figure out how to craft the perfect, heartfelt text message to explain your feelings about what has happened, meanwhile she's probably out hanging out with her new boyfriend and not thinking about you. Don't waste your time. Edited May 13, 2012 by Exit 1
trist Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Inhale, drop your cell phone, slowly take a step back, turn, walk to another room, and exhale... don't do it... don't even look at your phone, don't examine the message, re-examine the message, think of it as spam SMS...
flitzanu Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 she left you, there was no "uncertain terms" on her part. the NC that was initiated was by you, not her. in this case, you are the one that needs to NC her. if you want to maintain your sanity and not break your heart over and over, you will continue NC and not give in to her actions.
Chi townD Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Yeah, I agree with the others. STAY NC!!!! I don't know how many more ways she can continue to disrespect you. Call you up and say, " Me and my man just got done having wild monkey sex and we realized we ran out of beer. We don't want to get out of bed so, can you be a dear FRIEND and drop us off a six pack"? Look, she wrote you and stated that she wanted to RESPECT her new man and doesn't want to have contact with you. This tells me that she values this other guy more than you. So, do yourself a favor and "respect" her wishes of having you out of her life. This way, you can hold your head high and retain yor self RESPECT!!!
EgoJoe Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Because she doesn't give a flying **** about you or your feelings. The ego is a monster. I don't suggest NC. I suggest you start clowning her cold bloodedly until she hangs her head in shame and stops this bull****. Don't take this crap from this walking meat tunnel. She is a good for nothing dumb broad.
Recommended Posts