Onlyjonley Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Or baby them too much. So how much it too much? What is the limit? Sometimes I feel like I baby my boy too much. As probably is the case for a lot of you girls here, I like to do nice things for him--that's my way of showing I care and that I love him. For example, I like to cook and bake for him. I'll also clean his bathroom or car from time to time. And this weekend while he was out of town, I cleaned his house and did some laundry. He is always very appreciative and grateful, don't get me wrong. Is there a line? Am I doing too much? Like a lot of females, I have the urge to take care of those closest to me, but I also don't want my boy to view me in the same light as his mother. Nor would I ever want to intrude on her role even if he is a grown man! Guys, what are you opinions?
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 As probably is the case for a lot of you girls here, I like to do nice things for him--that's my way of showing I care and that I love him. For example, I like to cook and bake for him. I'll also clean his bathroom or car from time to time. And this weekend while he was out of town, I cleaned his house and did some laundry. He is always very appreciative and grateful, don't get me wrong. It's when they start taking it for granted that you have to be careful. Stop dong it for a while... if he fails to then do it himself, or asks you why you've stopped... that's when you know he's beginning to expect it.... ..... I also don't want my boy to view me in the same light as his mother. If he's enjoying sex with you, trust me - this won't happen.... Nor would I ever want to intrude on her role even if he is a grown man! she's probably very glad to abdicate the role... he's off her hands and your problem now.... And again, don't worry. A woman can never replace a mum, if there's a close relationship there. If he loves his mum - you'll never intrude on that.....
Woggle Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 If he genuinely appreciates and is willing to do the same for you there is no issue. It is only when you are being treated as a doormat that there is an issue.
newmoon Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 i think it's just fine to baby a man, to a point. you want to make sure you are getting as good as you give - he should be appreciating your gestures and returning some of his own. like another post mentioned, i often stop doing things for a long time just so he doesn't get too used to my niceness and take me for granted. and his mom is likely very happy you are taking over -good moms want their sons happy with a good woman.
Art_Critic Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 It seems most of the things you like doing for him are cleaning related I've never had a woman baby me... or do my laundry.. 2 wives and a huge list of GF's and none of them ever did/do my laundry.. I think if he is appreciative then all is good.. but don't pigeon hole yourself into him thinking that is what is expected of you either now or in the future
Author Onlyjonley Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 i think it's just fine to baby a man, to a point. you want to make sure you are getting as good as you give - he should be appreciating your gestures and returning some of his own. like another post mentioned, i often stop doing things for a long time just so he doesn't get too used to my niceness and take me for granted. and his mom is likely very happy you are taking over -good moms want their sons happy with a good woman. Thanks for your response. And yes, he is a very sweet guy and does more than enough to repay me. If he didn't appreciate my gestures, I wouldn't feel the urge to do these things for him.
Author Onlyjonley Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 It seems most of the things you like doing for him are cleaning related I've never had a woman baby me... or do my laundry.. 2 wives and a huge list of GF's and none of them ever did/do my laundry.. I think if he is appreciative then all is good.. but don't pigeon hole yourself into him thinking that is what is expected of you either now or in the future A lot of it has to do with cleaning/cooking/shopping because I want to make sure he is taken care of -- that's my way of showing him I love him. You say your significant others have never "babied" you -- so in what other ways did they show you they cared? Just curious. I know everyone is different.
Christine52 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Or baby them too much. So how much it too much? What is the limit? Sometimes I feel like I baby my boy too much. As probably is the case for a lot of you girls here, I like to do nice things for him--that's my way of showing I care and that I love him. For example, I like to cook and bake for him. I'll also clean his bathroom or car from time to time. And this weekend while he was out of town, I cleaned his house and did some laundry. He is always very appreciative and grateful, don't get me wrong. Is there a line? Am I doing too much? Like a lot of females, I have the urge to take care of those closest to me, but I also don't want my boy to view me in the same light as his mother. Nor would I ever want to intrude on her role even if he is a grown man! Guys, what are you opinions? I know I'm not a male, but... If my boyfriend treated me like how my father treats me, I'd be really turned off. Otherwise, I have some serious issues.
Els Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Or baby them too much. So how much it too much? What is the limit? Sometimes I feel like I baby my boy too much. As probably is the case for a lot of you girls here, I like to do nice things for him--that's my way of showing I care and that I love him. This is true, but people express their love and care in different ways. For example, I like to cook and bake for him. I'll also clean his bathroom or car from time to time. And this weekend while he was out of town, I cleaned his house and did some laundry. This is where we deviate from 'most of you girls here', I think. I don't know any women who clean their guy's house for them regularly (as opposed to a shared house), unless they stay over very often and thus contribute to the mess. Not to say that you're wrong to do so, it just isn't the norm. People are usually responsible for the cleaning of their own houses. Does he clean his house by himself at all, or does he just wait for you to do it nowadays? He is always very appreciative and grateful, don't get me wrong. Is there a line? Am I doing too much? Like a lot of females, I have the urge to take care of those closest to me, but I also don't want my boy to view me in the same light as his mother. Nor would I ever want to intrude on her role even if he is a grown man! I think the 'cleaning his house regularly' bit is doing too much, yes. Again, that depends on what his reciprocation is like. I mean, if you clean his house and he trims your lawn, it would be slightly unusual but it wouldn't be 'too much' in the sense that both partners are exhibiting responsibility and taking care of each other. But if it only goes one way, it really does seem to be too much. 1
bean1 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 If he genuinely appreciates and is willing to do the same for you there is no issue. It is only when you are being treated as a doormat that there is an issue. I actually agree with Woggle here 100% (not sure if I ever have) because doing these things for your man is just fine when it is appreciated. Now, my son, he can yell/squeal/annoy me and I will still change his diaper. Unconditional smothery love (he is young obviously). Sometimes people will take advantage of good will and if you don't put a stop to it, that is when things go wrong.
mortensorchid Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Do you live together? If so that would allow you to do more things for him if you are living under the same roof. If not, there is nothing wrong with cooking him a meal or baking cookies for him, but there is a line if you are not living together. I knew a gal who was just pathetic years ago. She lived with her boyfriend, he refused to marry her. She would be constantly crying "I cook, I clean, I do everything for him and he won't marry me!" Eventually I got tired of listening to this same broken record and discontinued the relationship with her. She was a rather self centered person, I found out. Once I told her about some guy I was seeing in another city whose sister was getting married that weekend, she said "Why weren't you invited?". I said I didn't really know him that well and we'd only been together for a few weeks. She was all angry at him, as if she knew him or something. Do you feel this way sometimes? Because whether or not you are married and/or living under the same roof, you will not be thanked for doing housework. You just have to get over it.
Author Onlyjonley Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 This is true, but people express their love and care in different ways. This is where we deviate from 'most of you girls here', I think. I don't know any women who clean their guy's house for them regularly (as opposed to a shared house), unless they stay over very often and thus contribute to the mess. Not to say that you're wrong to do so, it just isn't the norm. People are usually responsible for the cleaning of their own houses. Does he clean his house by himself at all, or does he just wait for you to do it nowadays? I think the 'cleaning his house regularly' bit is doing too much, yes. Again, that depends on what his reciprocation is like. I mean, if you clean his house and he trims your lawn, it would be slightly unusual but it wouldn't be 'too much' in the sense that both partners are exhibiting responsibility and taking care of each other. But if it only goes one way, it really does seem to be too much. He most definitely takes care of his crap a majority of the time. I cleaned his house this weekend because I stayed there while he was out of town, and I thought it would be a nice surprise. And 2 or 3 times a month, I'll see that his bathroom needs cleaned while I'm there, so I'll clean it. Or if I bake something, I'll bring part of it over for him and his roommates. Or if I'm at the store and see something he needs, I'll grab it. I enjoy doing such things for him, but maybe I'm doing too much and need to step back. Like I mentioned, he is definitely not unappreciative and definitely doesn't expect it. It's not as if he lets something go in hopes that I'll do it. It's not like that. Not yet anyway!
Author Onlyjonley Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Do you live together? If so that would allow you to do more things for him if you are living under the same roof. If not, there is nothing wrong with cooking him a meal or baking cookies for him, but there is a line if you are not living together. I knew a gal who was just pathetic years ago. She lived with her boyfriend, he refused to marry her. She would be constantly crying "I cook, I clean, I do everything for him and he won't marry me!" Eventually I got tired of listening to this same broken record and discontinued the relationship with her. She was a rather self centered person, I found out. Once I told her about some guy I was seeing in another city whose sister was getting married that weekend, she said "Why weren't you invited?". I said I didn't really know him that well and we'd only been together for a few weeks. She was all angry at him, as if she knew him or something. Do you feel this way sometimes? Because whether or not you are married and/or living under the same roof, you will not be thanked for doing housework. You just have to get over it. We don't live together, but I'm over there a couple evenings during the week and stay over on the weekends. And no, I don't feel that way. As I said above, he is very appreciative.
Author Onlyjonley Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 I actually agree with Woggle here 100% (not sure if I ever have) because doing these things for your man is just fine when it is appreciated. Now, my son, he can yell/squeal/annoy me and I will still change his diaper. Unconditional smothery love (he is young obviously). Sometimes people will take advantage of good will and if you don't put a stop to it, that is when things go wrong. Thanks for your response -- I agree. I would never want it to get to that point but can't imagine my boyfriend ever behaving that way. He's a good guy. But then again, maybe I'm spoiling him too much.
Els Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 He most definitely takes care of his crap a majority of the time. I cleaned his house this weekend because I stayed there while he was out of town, and I thought it would be a nice surprise. And 2 or 3 times a month, I'll see that his bathroom needs cleaned while I'm there, so I'll clean it. Or if I bake something, I'll bring part of it over for him and his roommates. Or if I'm at the store and see something he needs, I'll grab it. Well, if you're staying over at someone's place for the weekend, it's always nice to do something to help out, and cleaning is one of the things you can do. Cleaning the bathroom 2-3 times a month, though... cripes, that's more than we clean our bathroom, combined! I enjoy doing such things for him, but maybe I'm doing too much and need to step back. Like I mentioned, he is definitely not unappreciative and definitely doesn't expect it. It's not as if he lets something go in hopes that I'll do it. It's not like that. Not yet anyway! Well, if you enjoy it, he appreciates it, and reciprocates by doing other things for you, I don't see why not go on. Has he reciprocated in any way?
Author Onlyjonley Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 Well, if you're staying over at someone's place for the weekend, it's always nice to do something to help out, and cleaning is one of the things you can do. Cleaning the bathroom 2-3 times a month, though... cripes, that's more than we clean our bathroom, combined! Well, if you enjoy it, he appreciates it, and reciprocates by doing other things for you, I don't see why not go on. Has he reciprocated in any way? He reciprocates in his own ways -- buying me my fav chocolate, taking me to see a movie he'd never go see himself, offering to fix things at my house if needed, etc.
Els Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Sounds good then. Any particular reason why you were worried about 'doing too much for him'?
veggirl Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Cleaning is a gray area, ime. I've had a BF who like never cleaned, so I did it for him and at first it was fine I wanted to do it and enjoyed helping him. but after a while it was like he didn't clean just cause he knew I would. So that was annoying. Current BF, I cleaned his bathroom once, in 10 mos. lol. Only cleaning I've ever done for him. He was re-arranging his furniture, and I was no help cause I'm a weakling, so I decided to clean his bathroom. He practically dragged me out of there to stop me, he felt uncomfortable with me doing it! Cooking or baking a treat sounds really nice, esp cause it's something you can enjoy too!
pink_sugar Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 (edited) I must admit I am the opposite. I feel like I have to mother my husband, but not in the babying type way. I admit I nag on him a lot and it wears me down also. I know he doesn't like me nagging him to exercise more or to clean up the house or to hurry and find a job. I do it because I care, but neither of us like it. I feel bad because his mom was emotionally abusive to him and b***ched and nagged on him about every little thing and even kicked him out over the family dog. (Well, I would never do that, LOL). I feel babying (I'd like to call it enabling) is bad also. You don't want your parner to resent you, but if you also don't set your expectations or standards, you don't want a lazy spouse. My brother's gf does that with my brother. She doesn't like his drinking and the fact that he's not doing everything he can to better himself, but instead of setting the expecations, she goes along with it. So I think the best thing is to determine what is and isn't reasonable and then lay out what you expect of them. If you cannot compromise, it's hard to make a relationship work. Edited May 15, 2012 by pink_sugar
threebyfate Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I must admit I am the opposite. I feel like I have to mother my husband, but not in the babying type way. I admit I nag on him alot and it wears me down also. I know he doesn't like me nagging him to exercise more or to clean up the house or to hurry and find a job. I do it because I care, but neither of us like it. Don't understand this dynamic. Why do you nag? He's an adult and not you, therefore should be able to function on his own and not have to live up to your standards. As far as babying my husband, not a chance. He's old enough to take care of himself. But I do spoil him sometimes, as he spoils me in return so it works out. He knows better than to take me for granted and I won't take him for granted since he's an awesome man.
Author Onlyjonley Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Sounds good then. Any particular reason why you were worried about 'doing too much for him'? Not really ..not because of anything that has come of it. Just always thinking of different aspects of the relationship and you guys give great advice here!
LittlePrince Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 It's when they start taking it for granted that you have to be careful. Stop dong it for a while... if he fails to then do it himself, or asks you why you've stopped... that's when you know he's beginning to expect it....Oh yes god forbid anyone to expect anything out of a woman. she's probably very glad to abdicate the role... he's off her hands and your problem now.... And again, don't worry. A woman can never replace a mum, if there's a close relationship there. If he loves his mum - you'll never intrude on that..... A mother who is thinking "he's off my hands and your problem now" about her son doesn't have a close relationship with him and vice versa.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Hebbywebby, sounds like you enjoy showing your love through "acts of love". There is a book called The 5 Languages of Love. "Acts of love" is one way people can show theirs. I also enjoy showing love through acts of love so I don't see anything wrong in what your doing, or any "mothering" going on. Simply doing some cleaning or chores for someone you love to help them out doesn't equal mothering in my book.
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