UpsDowns Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Hi guys, my name is Carolyn and I have been a loveshack avid reader but today I have a relationship problem and seeing how so many people have received enormous help I thought I could come onto this forum for some advice. Here is the story to my relationship and I apologize if it is too long. I have been with my boyfriend for the past 10 months. During the past 5 months, everything was perfect as any honeymoon phase relationship is. After the 5 months, we started fighting non stop. Fighting about what we say, fighting about what to do, fighting about when to eat... nit picking about every little thing- this went on about 1 month before we decided we just need some space apart. We both agreed to take some time off for a couple of weeks and just work on ourselves and reflect on what we could do to change ourselves and come back to discuss and work it out. Well during those weeks of NC we missed each other dearly but we held strong to our NC and after the weeks were over we came back to talk about our issues, we what realized was wrong and what we could do to change things. It seemed to get better somewhat.. but after a couple of weeks, it was back to the way things were. After that, he recently got a job offer in a city that's 10 hours away so we were both thrown into a long distance relationship. On top of trying to work on our personality differences we now had long distance to factor in. We both agreed that we still wanted this relationship to work and even though there is distance between us we wanted to change and work it out. So fast forward to present day, he's been really absorbed with work and I find myself being very needy. I call him at night and he brings work home so we talk for 30 mins before he calls it a night. I feel like I want more attention and I bring this up. He tells me trying to adjust but he'll try to pay attention more. He texts throughout the day and we still maintain our 30 min of communication at night. So this brings me to how I feel. I can't help but feel like I'm not getting what I need. I cant help but feel so insecure about this relationship. On top of that, even though our fighting has lessened, we still continue to fight about stupid things. So basically I'm at a cross roads. I cant decide if I feel insecure because of our incompatibility or because I' just needy? I have been keeping busy with school and volunteering and picking up a hobby which is why I'm able to give him his space to do his work but inside I feel so empty. Everytime I see couples being affectionate, I get jealous, I wish I had that. I'm trying really hard to not call him and give him his space but i'm asking myself, do i really need to try this hard? Is this a situation of incompatability or insecurity? Thanks in advance for all your help. If it is worth mentioning, he is in his early 30's and I am in my late 20's.
Author UpsDowns Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 any advice would be greatly appreciated. thank you.
mandylin Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 do you have a plan to be in the same town again or is this situation open ended?
HappyPanda Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Would you move to the same city as him? Or is he planning on moving back in the not too distant future? Ive been in long distance relationships, and I feel you.. They are HARD. As a matter of fact, my boyfriend of 2 years and I started out in a LDR (only about 2 1/2 hours away, but still) he moved to my city in January of 2011, and we plan on moving into our own place in August of this year. All I can tell you is that in order for there to be any chance of success, there NEEDS to be a light at the end of the tunnel... I think you two should have a discussion about a) your needs, explain to him that since youre unfortunately in this situation... the phone is your ONLY life line at this point, and there needs to be more of an effort to make time for one another. And B) How serious are you? Give a timeline of when you want to figure out how this will come to an end, ie: in 3 months, if we both are in agreeance, we need to figure out a plan to be in the same vicinity. In the interim: You can do a lot of things to make it more bearable. Plan weekends away, if you can. Do you have Skype? Skype is amazing... IF you dont have it, get it. You guys can plan date nights... have a glass of wine, and watch the same movie. Ive never personally been one for phone sex/skype sex, but thats also an option. There is another sub forum on here for LDR's. You should talk to the folks on there, some of their stories are incredible... I wish you the best of luck And remember, if its meant to be, it will be.
Author UpsDowns Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Thank you for the responses. We try our best to see each other once a month at the minimum but when we do meet its kind of dull, as he flies down after work Friday and leaves Sunday evening so its tiring and draining for him. When he's down he's usually really tired and wants to just relax and I want to go out and do something. I been visiting him recently but same thing, he's tired and wants to just chill and stay in and I want to go out so that's where a lot of our fights come from. He is due to stay there for another 3 years so this relationship is going to be long distance for awhile. something isn't clicking between us. I want to spend time with him and talk to him more than what he's giving me. I try to focus and stay busy but deep down inside I still wish he called me everytime he has free time. It really sucks that he's tired all the time and My question is.. I want to know if its better for me to find someone who is less independent or does the feeling of me feeling needy eventually get better after trying to stay busy?
HappyPanda Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 No one here can (or should, rather) tell you what to do, but I can tell you that if I were you, I would be seriously thinking about how much this relationship meant to me, and whether or not I think it is strong enough to withstand the stress and turmoil that a 3 year long distance (and 10 hours is a pretty damn long distance) relationship will bring. Would you be willing to relocate to him? As it seems that he has no plans on moving back to your area.... A relationship has to be incredibly strong, and the lines of communication must be even stronger to survive these conditions, in my opinion. And to answer your question bluntly, no, I dont think your feelings of neediness will go away. They'll probably become even more palpable as the months and years progress. So you need to honestly ask yourself how much you are willing to sacrifice for this man.
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