Jen2287 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I had plans to meet with my old college roommate, Anna, but due to illness I had to cancel. I gave enough time and notice, keeping her in the loop as to what was going on with me. She then texted me 2 days later and asked if I was feeling better. I said no, and that we would have to meet up when I felt stronger. The second time we planned to meet up, I had to take my Mom to the ER. I called Anna, couldn’t reach her but left a voicemail and also texted her as well. She called a couple days later to see how my Mom was doing, which was nice and even sent a card. Eventually when we were able to meet up, she made side remarks the whole time and was giving me a hard time on how we hadn’t seen each other and kept on going on and on about it. Now Anna always brings up stuff from the past, so I’m probably going to have to hear about this the next time I see her and for eternity. It’s just getting so tiring because I apologized even though I was sick, then my Mom got sick and it was out of my control, but she just doesn’t seem to get it. Anna is very unforgiving and holds grudges for a long time. She is a good person, but she never lets things go. I don't know what to do. How do I handle my difficult friend? What should I say or do when she brings up the past events?
Star Gazer Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Is she truly difficult? Or perhaps just disappointed? Or perhaps feeling that you don't care? There's always another side to the coin, not just yours.
Author Jen2287 Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 Is she truly difficult? Or perhaps just disappointed? Or perhaps feeling that you don't care? There's always another side to the coin, not just yours. I understand that, but it isn't necessary to guilt trip or to keep on bringing up the issue over and over again. I already apologized and yet she still kept bringing it up. I've been there for her and this was the only time where I had to cancel twice. I don't deserve this punishment, especially when it was out of my hands.
whichwayisup Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Eventually when we were able to meet up, she made side remarks the whole time and was giving me a hard time on how we hadn’t seen each other and kept on going on and on about it. Now Anna always brings up stuff from the past, so I’m probably going to have to hear about this the next time I see her and for eternity. It’s just getting so tiring because I apologized even though I was sick, then my Mom got sick and it was out of my control, but she just doesn’t seem to get it. Anna is very unforgiving and holds grudges for a long time. She is a good person, but she never lets things go. I don't know what to do. How do I handle my difficult friend? What should I say or do when she brings up the past events? Tell her that you love her as your friend, you appreciate her in your life, list some good qualities of hers.. Then let her know that she means so much to you but there are some things she says and does that makes you feel bad. Friendships are NOT supposed to make you feel bad or guilty. Tell her that it's just not nice of her to take side shots at you or to try to make you feel guilty for not seeing her (as often as you'd like) at times. Life gets busy and she has to understand that without making you feel bad. Let her know that holding grudges isn't good for the friendship. Something she needs to work on as LIFE IS SHORT and half the stuff people get upset and pissed off about just isn't worth it at the end of the day.. Anytime she brings up the past, tell her "it's in the past, done and over with. It just doesn't matter." if she pushes it, then tell her how you feel and why. If she can't make efforts to change her ways when around you, (time will tell if she'll make an effort or not) then you distance yourself from her and let her ask you why you've backed off.
Star Gazer Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I understand that, but it isn't necessary to guilt trip or to keep on bringing up the issue over and over again. I already apologized and yet she still kept bringing it up. I've been there for her and this was the only time where I had to cancel twice. I don't deserve this punishment, especially when it was out of my hands. If this is your only complaint about your friend, I don't think she's being "difficult." There's something else that's obviously bothering her.
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 People who continually bring up the past have issues of resentment, and such behaviour is a form of bullying and control. What you did left her unable to be 'in control' of the situation, so she felt slighted and undermined. It's a form of bullying, and placidly acepting it, just gives her permission and clearance to keep doing more of the same. So actually, I would confront her, and ask her outright: How long is it going to take you to drop this? Have I not apologised? Have I not explained things to you? Didn't I explain things at the time? Didn't you actually ask me at the time how things were, with both me and my mother? So having established that, and having apologised, why do you keep un-earthing this? Why won't you let this go? do you have a problem with letting go of stuff? Then why keep hashing and re-hashing this over and over again?" Being put on the spot like this will make her uncomfortable, resentful and defensive. But it will call her out on it, and make her aware that what she's doing is both noticeable and unacceptable. I had almost exactly this precise situation with a 'friend' with huge underlying control issues. It sparked a huge row between us - based on virtually the same thing as you discuss - and she refused to have anything to do with me after the blow-up. I heard from her a long while later. she had undergone therapy and dealt with her issue, and apologised to me. The apology was part of her therapy treatment, and while I think she found it hard, it was therapeutic for her. But I never heard from her again. Which makes me wonder how far she actually managed to get in letting go of the past..... I'm afraid I'm of the opinion that you need to call her up on her behaviour. And I'm sure there are other issues underpinning it.... 2
darkmoon Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) she makes snide remarks? i say be careful, i see dominance, perhaps she's not quite the same person you knew, has changed over time, why is cuz se has had other influence/s since she was a room-mate Edited May 14, 2012 by darkmoon
Author Jen2287 Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 In college she would joke around, but now she is just plain snarky. The only thing I can think of is that in college there were more people around, so she wasn't directly aiming things at me. Now when we get together it's just me and her, so there's no one else to bother. There might be other things going on with her too, maybe she's depressed and doesn't know how to express it? Another thing is that she is married and I am single- the only single friend of hers, so maybe she thinks I have nothing else to do? The reason I say this is because I asked if she saw another friend of hers and she said, no, that it's been a year since they've talked. Anna then added, "Well, she's busy with her kids."
TaraMaiden Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I know what she's doing.... she's constantly comparing and believing everybody else has it better than her, and she believes she'd to be found wanting. This again, is a symptom of wanting to control the situation, because she believes everybody else has got a better handle on things, and she's envious.... So she brings it down and finds points to criticise. Just like my ex-friend Bev.....
Author Jen2287 Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 I know what she's doing.... she's constantly comparing and believing everybody else has it better than her, and she believes she'd to be found wanting. This again, is a symptom of wanting to control the situation, because she believes everybody else has got a better handle on things, and she's envious.... So she brings it down and finds points to criticise. Just like my ex-friend Bev..... Anna is very critical and judgmental. She'll ask if I'm dating anyone and if I'm single, she'll ask if I like women. When I am dating, she'll make fun of the guy. When I cut my hair short, she made fun of that too. (Again with the 'do you like women' question.) She also seems to want to build herself up by bringing me down- she'll hit on weak areas like asking me about my job and if I've moved out yet from my parent's house. She'll ask with kind of a mocking tone, "How are your parents?" because I'm still living at home. I don't understand this- why do people who are supposedly your friend do this? I am supportive of her and it's not fair to be treated like this in return. Do they really want a friendship or just someone to boss around and use like a punching bag?
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