sakiiru Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) I broke up with my ex due to the fact that he was jealous, needy, controlling, and undermined my self-esteem with his criticisms. We were always arguing and that I always felt like he was putting me down and that he fundamentally was just with me out of dependence and not love. When I broke up with him, I proposed NC but he begged that we stay good friends. Unfortunately, because we hadn't actually let go of our feelings for each other, staying good friends right after a breakup ended up with us occasionally relapsing into acting like we were lovers again. I was tempted to think about the possibility of being in a relationship with him again, but I'd remember the pain he caused me and how much it hurt, and how it seemed impossible that we could make it in the long run. I told him this. I made several attempts to distance myself from him but he insisted that he needed me to keep in contact with him, that he wouldn't know what to do without me. It was complicated because as much as I wanted to give him the security of a relationship, I know we'd just run into the same problems again and I would be deeply unhappy. Three months later, I started seeing someone else in an attempt to move on. It was just a few dates, nothing physical happened beyond a brief hug, but I liked that this new guy seemed to be much happier and a lot more interested in me, as opposed to my ex who always found ways to put me down and act like I wasn't interesting to him. By the second date I could tell the new guy was very interested, he kept proposing future dates and whatnot, but I rejected his advances because I was still comparing him to my ex. Still, wanting to move on, I asked the new guy to lunch for our third date, but we just ended up talking like friends and parting ways. I told my ex about this new guy after our third date and he completely flipped out. Seeing how much it was affecting him, I panicked and lied about the extent of my interest in this guy, and tried to tone down what we did to make it seem even more casual -- even though we had never gone beyond a hug in the first place. My ex figured out that I was lying and that made him get even more jealous and suspicious. In an attempt to save our friendship I promised I wouldn't see this new guy again (he got a girlfriend shortly afterwards). However, at every opportunity, my ex would bring up this new guy I went out with and disparage me for wanting to move on with a guy who was able to find another girl so quickly (saying I was "easy", "desperate", that the new guy had "fooled me", etc.), and it became a huge strain on our friendship. A month or so later, the other guy randomly texted me, just asking what my plans were for summer. At this point I wasn't hoping that anything would happen with this new guy, but I did remember enjoying myself in his company and I didn't mind the prospect of hanging out once in a while. So in a moment of selfish impulse I texted him back despite promising my ex that I wouldn't. Realizing the impact of breaking my promise to my ex by having responded, I deleted the texts (even though they were not suggestive or indicated anything beyond friendship in any way), but I felt awful. Because I had pledged to be open and honest with my ex, I told him. But because I could produce no proof of what I had written, he assumed I was lying again. He called me a horrible person, said that I was selfish and weak and that I had betrayed him. In many ways he was reacting as if I had cheated on him. He hates me and we are currently not speaking. As much as my friends are telling me that I didn't technically do anything wrong, that had no obligation to tell him what I did with a new guy because I had broken up with him some time ago, the guilt is consuming me. I feel as if I have cheated because of the magnitude of his hurt and how he reacted. I feel like I had betrayed his trust and that I was as weak as he said. I know I did wrong by not being strong and firm and enforcing NC even when he insisted otherwise. I know I was weak by constantly lying out of fear of hurting him. I spent a lot of time thinking about apologizing and how to do so. I've been to therapy to talk about my dishonesty in the relationship and what it spoke about my lack of self-confidence. I know I will have to move on, but I want to make amends somehow. I just don't really know what to do next, or whether I am wrongfully justifying all this terrible guilt and pain I'm in right now. Help! Edited May 13, 2012 by sakiiru
d'Arthez Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 You are falling for emotional blackmail from an abusive manipulator. Why do you stay friends with an abusive prick? That is the question you really need to find an answer to.
flitzanu Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 You are falling for emotional blackmail from an abusive manipulator. Why do you stay friends with an abusive prick? That is the question you really need to find an answer to. exactly. you broke up with the guy, you have no obligation to justify your actions because you weren't in a relationship with him. stop talking to him and pursue the new guy that clearly showed more interest and sanity.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 You simply got-out in the nick of time. (Through too little of your own, independent doing) Guys have zero interest in merely being 'friends' when they don't really want to bang you (again, in your case). SO stop fooling yourself otherwise, and stop letting that EX boyfriend have such a say in your everyday future. It is up to you to clear the playing field for what shall be the rest of your life. 1
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