KaiaMahina Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=blue][/color] It's Day Three of my residence in Dumpsville and it still seems totally unreal. Just last week we were selecting a beautiful ruby engagement ring, and this Monday morning I was sitting in the bathroom at work sobbing uncontrollably after being hysterically dumped via phone at 9 AM! What did I do? Stupidly, I tried to make a reasonable compromise which he took as an unforgiveable insult apparently. Here's the short version. I met his mother shortly after we began dating (an LDR begun on the internet) and was immediately struck by how dismissive and exasperated she was with him. (He lives in the in-law apartment of his widowed mother's house). This woman has had nothing good to say TO or ABOUT my bf since I've known him. He's the oldest of four siblings, and the youngest brother is a little tin god who is obnoxious to my ex and generally aggravating to the rest of the family. But they make huge efforts to "keep the peace" with him for some unknown reason. My ex once said that, and I quote, his family "barely tolerates" him and as I said, his mother acts as though he's good for nothing but taking the garbage out, running errands, taking care of problems for his siblings, etc. She contradicts everything he says, criticizes everything from his hair to his musical tastes to what he watches on television. He's been away from his family for 20 years and it's easy to see why he left in the first place. She allows his brother to be insulting and rude to him, and fawns over the brother and the two sisters. When he informed her that we were engaged to be married, her response was, "It's your life." In return, he's kind, sympathetic, helpful and tolerant to her. He admits that his relationship with her is "problematic" and has said many times that he needs to move out because he feels trapped. When he visits me at my apartment (250 miles away from her), she invariably calls and wants to know when he's coming home, and whether he did something she had asked him to do! You get the picture. When I first met him, he was eager to get his life together (he was picking up the pieces after a divorce, which is why he's living with his mother), and enthusiastic about moving to a new part of the country or even Europe. I loved his spark, and what I thought was his adventurous nature. In the meantime, no one in his family has ever lived outside a 25 mile radius of the house they grew up in. They all married people equally local. They gather as a family not only every holiday, but on each and every birthday, and several times a week. The mother has had no bf since his father's death 20 years ago, and her house is a mausoleum, unchanged since then, and has virtually no social life even though she's attractive and is employed! Her life is her children and grandchildren...spouses are apparently optional. Hence the constant get-togethers. Anyway, I was uncomfortable with the thought that, if I married him and I moved to be with him, I would be pressured to attend what I feel are an overkill of family gatherings. My ex had already said to me (another quote): "I want you to love my family." I told him that no one can love another just because someone else wants them to! Plus, it was painful to me to see how his family, and especially his mother, treats him. There were times when I wanted to simply get up and walk out, but I never said anything because we were in his mother's home and it wouldn't be respectful. Long story short, I declined his offer to spend July 4 with him and his family, preferring to take an out of town trip. He wasn't happy. I finally explained to him precisely how I feel about his family. I had already spent Christmas holidays with them (a nightmare) and at this point, I wasn't ready to spend another holiday with them. I told him that because of the way they behave and how they treat him, I wouldn't be able to be with them as much as he is. I told him specifically that I was NOT asking him to cut ties with them, or to decline their invitations, or choose between them and me. I only asked that he understand that I would put in appearances at certain gatherings, but that I wouldn't go every time they wanted me. He was free to go as often as he liked. And I meant this sincerely! I don't have much in common with his family, and I can be kind to them, but I don't want to be with them as much as he does at their weekly gatherings. He told me that he needed time to think about what I had told him. A week went by, silence. I spent last weekend crying and dosing myself with alcohol (and I'm not a drinker) just to be able to get to sleep at night. The silence was ominous and I knew something bad was happening. Monday morning I couldn't contain myself any longer and when I saw him online, I IMed him, asking if I should send some things back to him that he'd left at my place. He didn't answer. After IMing him a few more times, he finally replied, saying he'd been in the shower and that he would call me that evening. He signed off, but no more than a minute later, he called me at work. He told me that I don't want his family, and that he wasn't about to cut them off (which I did NOT ask him to), and that he wouldn't cut them off for his son or daughter and he wouldn't cut them off for me. I was stunned because I couldn't understand why he was saying this. The rest of the conversation was surreal (he kept saying he loved me, but he couldn't go on) and I began to cry and he finally said "Goodbye" and hung up. Devastated? Crazed? Feeling as though being swallowed up by the earth would be a relief? I was all of the above. I think I'm still in shock because it seems so unreal. I was blindsided by all of this. I can't believe that he would be so unkind as to call me at work, the worst place to receive news like this. I'm numb at this point, and on auto-pilot. Of course, I will not contact him. The last email I sent him before this fiasco was "I love you very much." I won't say another word, even though my heart is broken. I can't check voice mail because if one of the messages ISN'T him, I'll sit down and cry. I dread checking email because I know his name won't be one of the addresses. I think the worst part is that I feel like I'm being punished for caring about how he's treated! He said once that his ex-wife never even noticed or cared. He has expressed many times how unkind they are to him, even saying once that he hates his brother, but I suppose that blood really IS thicker than water. I think now that he will stay there for the rest of his life, taking this abuse and constantly seeking the approval I suppose he never got when he was growing up. He fell in love with me the minute he met me (he said) and wanted to get married. It was all his idea, and then it's over. Just like that. No discussion. No compromise. No working it out. Just a unilateral decision, reached in his own mind and communicated over the phone. So that's how the bottom dropped out for me...maybe I wrong, but I couldn't envision being entombed with these people in their little world and watching him being hurt by them. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through this one...
honey2005 Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 Cruel or not, family is family, and nothing anyone does will change that. I understand that you just care about how he is being treated, but telling him you don't want to spend time with is family isn't the way to fix the problem. Think about how he feels. If he has to go spend time with his family, wouldn't it be much easier on him if YOU, the girl he is in love with, was there to help him feel better when his family is mean to him? Maybe instead of telling him you don't want to see his family, you could push him into talking to his family about how they treat him and how it makes him feel. But I know, the big problem is getting him back. Usually the no contact rule is what I go for, but in this case, it seems like the only way to make ammends with him is to tell him that you're sorry, and that you're willing to accept his family the way they are, and that you will be there for him when he's with them so he won't have to face them alone. I can tell you really really care about him, so don't lose him over the family that has already hurt him so badly.
miz_barby Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 [color=violet][font=century gothic]I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all of this. It sounds like you were only trying to tell him how you saw things but obvioulsy this is the family that he has had since he was born so no matter what an outsider says I highly doubt it would impact the way he seeks their approval. I can understand why he would want to be with someone who would be willing to go to ALL family functions with him though. He probably wants to maintain his sense of "normalcy" and be able to bring his partner as well. I know you can barely tolerate this people but is he worth having to spend time with them in order to be with him? Even though you didn't ask him to chose basically that's what it will come down to because you will get tired of him going places without you then eventually you'll want him to stay there with you which in turn will begin to take time away from his family. I say if you love him and are sure you want to be with him you should make the effort to talk to him and let him know you'll be willing to go over with him to their functions but if not then I say let him be and move on so he can find someone to fill this roll and you can find someone who will be what you want them to be as well. Goodluck![/font][/color]
Author KaiaMahina Posted June 24, 2004 Author Posted June 24, 2004 I think you're both correct...I blew it. There may be nothing I can do at this point. I think I'll observe "no contact" for a while and see if he contacts me first. When you're the "dumpee" it's very difficult to initiate contact without looking like you're a total fool. I broke off with him once, and a week later I called him and apologized for being so stupid. Somehow, when you're the "dumper", you are the one who has to reinitiate contact because as far as the "dumpee" is concerned, you're finished, you're done, you're through and you don't want them any more, which is why you dumped them in the first place. I had one guy who dumped me twice contact me the second time 2 years later, another 6 months later. No contact does seem to work if you're the dumped one and your ex gets to the point where they come to the conclusion that they want you after all without you having to work to change their mind. I'll try to do better with his family if I get a second chance, but I will wait until it's offered. If it never is...I'll have to live with it. Thanks again for your responses!
breezy Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 I am so sorry to hear about this. I have recently went through a similar thing where one moment we are moving in together and then next BOOM.....he breaks up with me. I think sometimes men take things differently, like they read into something even though that is not what we are saying. I don't know if that makes sense. I guess when we talked about moving in together, I had said something about where this was going...as far as if he saw marriage in the future....I was in NO way asking for a ring...but he read into that way. I tried to tell him over and over what I really meant by that, but I guess they get there mind made up and thats it. I agree with your "no contact". Let him make the first contact and you go from there. If he contacts me for something, I keep it straight and to the point. WHen and IF he is ready to make converstaion, he will. Remember....he was the one who wanted to leave, not you!! Keep your head up. I know its hard but have faith. I always think to myself "I could have it worse".....I know its easier said than done. I am here for you:).
neptoon Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 You mentioned that he is divorced with children... My take on it is that he's being defensive because he and his ex-wife had problems with his family. Perhaps she had given him an ultimatum. You said that he was not around his family for 20 years, right? How long were he and his ex-wife married? It may be that his mother has nothing good to say about him because he DID cut them off for his ex-wife, which would explain why he's so blindly defensive by it now. His mother resents him (and maybe not his obnoxious brother) because he cut her off for the family he was building and his obnoxious brother didn't have to go through the same thing (?). He may also be defensive about it now because he moved back with his mother as a last resort after he and his ex-wife divorced and he feels he "owes" his mother for it (guaranteed she is making him feel like not much of a man because he had to go back to her).
kirkyswife Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 Neptoon's perception of the situation seems quite likely but to put a little spin on it, seems to me like the dysfunction within his family is so deep seeded he feels obligated and guilty about something and will subject himself to toxic people for the sake of exemplifying loyalty to his undeserving, dysfunctional family. I'm sorry that you are hurting but you seem very strong and clear in thought. I respect you for standing your ground in setting boundaries in the amount of disrespect you will witness your husband subject himself to. You are a good woman and in time he will realize the beauty of your love and devotion and hopefully find that within himself. For now, I hope you find solace in knowing that he just wasn't ready for a woman of your nature. Good luck to you!
Author KaiaMahina Posted June 25, 2004 Author Posted June 25, 2004 First, I want to thank everyone who is responding to my post. I'm overwhelmed that I'm getting different perspectives and thoughts on my situation, and what's driving my ex. It makes me feel no so alone, and I appreciate you all for taking the time to think and respond. Thus, the smiley face on this post. Second, Breezy...it sounds as though you know precisely how I feel...it's like a sucker punch right to the gut...everything is fine one day (or as fine as anything ever is between two imperfect human beings in a romantic relationship) and then you're falling through mid-air with no landing in sight. I think you're right that men do tend to interpret what you say and then work it over in isolation in their own minds. I've experienced this before...there's no discussion including you and they reach a decision solo and then announce it to you with no chance to rebut or compromise. Sorta like life in prison without the possibility of parole, lock you up and throw away the key. Let me know how YOU are doing, Breezy, and what your situation is... Third...thanks for the ideas, Neptoon. My ex was married for 19 years to a woman he met while stationed in Germany (Army). He left home at 19, and was overseas with his wife and children most of those years. When he did return to the US, he and his wife lived about 1000 miles from his family. I don't think she gave him an ultimatum regarding his family; I think she never had much contact with them due to his being stationed far away from them. His mother speaks well of his wife, and he has said that his wife didn't much care how his family treated him. He has told me stories of childhood where his mother was rather unloving to him, so this is something going way back. Sometimes I think it's because she was so crazy about his father and had my ex when she was only 19...she may have resented his "intrusion" on her life with her husband. At least that's my therapist's take! She treats him like a pest, or like someone she's obligated to put up with, but doesn't bother hiding her impatience and boredom with it all. She chastises him like a 5 year old. But you're spot on, Neptoon, that he feels he owes his mother something and that she doesn't make him feel like much of a man. Finally...Kirkyswife, you are right that he's very loyal to people who essentially do nothing to earn that loyalty. Every family is dysfunctional in some way...again, imperfect human beings...but he refuses to acknowledge this dysfunction. Every once in a while he let something drop...his father's alcoholism, for instance, or hurtful things that were done to him. He seemed happy that I understood and felt compassion. He told me that I was his home and that he wanted to be a family with me. But then, he'll switch like a circuit breaker flipping over and act like his family is the Waltons or something! He seems very willing to bury the hurt the moment they say or do something kind, any gesture that makes him feel that he is secure in them and that he belongs. But he's hurting ME, a woman who would have held his back against any threat or attack, and would have made a haven for him. I feel as though he has set up an ultimatum in his own mind: me or his family. And he's chosen his family. I know that he's fearful and insecure because he lost his wife and children through divorce only 3 years ago. I think he's clinging to these people that he did without for 20-odd years because his own family of 19 years has been destroyed. And perhaps I didn't make him feel secure enough in "our family" consisting of him and me for him to put some boundaries on these people again. Maybe this is mean of me, but sometimes I think that if I keep up no contact, it will just be a matter of time before they say or do something hurtful and perhaps without me to talk to or to hold, he'll feel the same emptiness and loneliness for me that I feel for him and he'll come back. Thank you, kirkyswife, for your kind words...maybe he wasn't ready for me. Day 5 and I'm just hanging in...working out to relieve stress and get some endorphins flowing...talking with friends...reading...but it's still somewhere pretty close to pure hell...I miss him...
kirkyswife Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 Kaia - Miss Lady Please don't do this: And perhaps I didn't make him feel secure enough in "our family" consisting of him and me for him to put some boundaries on these people again. DON'T YOU EVEN DO IT TO YOURSELF What you represented was strength which is something he lacked - honestly in my opinion and I hope you don't take this as disrespectful or mean but you were dealing with damaged goods - 19 year marriage, toxic relationship with immediate family and a lot of emphasis on your being the ultimate prize (not that you aren't) but honestly Sweetie I just think he's carrying a lot of Samsonite that spells disaster for a marriage 3 years after a long marriage combined with his family drama. He's lost and trying to find himself but defines himself through what you represent - he's not ready for anything because he hasn't found himself yet. Don't blame Kaia for one second - there was nothing you could have done to combat this - he's got a lot of work to do just to heal from where he's come from before he can be a viable part of anything in his future. [quote]Maybe this is mean of me, but sometimes I think that if I keep up no contact, it will just be a matter of time before they say or do something hurtful and perhaps without me to talk to or to hold, he'll feel the same emptiness and loneliness for me that I feel for him and he'll come back. Thank you, kirkyswife, for your kind words...maybe he wasn't ready for me. I don't think it's mean to vent your frustrations and pain. But I think you do yourself a great disservice by "playing a game" of No Contact as a means of making him realize what he's losing. Trust me when I say that a man ALWAYS knows when he's in the presence of a good woman and he also knows when his stuff isn't together enough to stand next to that woman. You go on with your life and heal for yourself and allow positive energy to flow to you - if it's mean to be he'll come back and if not, it's a lesson that you learn. And that lesson - you don't need to be someone's Saviour to be in love - you are your own Saviour love yourself the most" I'm proud of your strength and I wish you nothing but blessings and happiness - stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Author KaiaMahina Posted June 26, 2004 Author Posted June 26, 2004 Thank you, thank you, kirkyswife! I needed some kind words and encouragement today. And you provided them. I'm having a bad day today. My ex was always so "together" for me. He kept up my courage though a LDR and called me every evening. Sent me a loving email every day. Every conversation ended with "I love you." A bad day at work was discussed and he cheered me up. There was nothing I couldn't tell him. He told me I was "home" for him and that he felt incomplete without me. He drove 5-7 hours (depending on traffic) every two weeks to see me. He never came empty handed...always something to show me he cared...whether it was a picture he drew for me, or a DVD player or anything in between. When we looked at rings, he stood next to me holding my hand and when I chose one, he was happy. It's just so hard to think that I'll never hear the phone ring and see his number on caller ID and pick up the receiver to hear him say, "Hi, baby." Or that I won't come to work in the morning and open my mail and see an email from him and know that it will end with "love you." He bought me a pet rabbit, who is sleeping at my feet right now...it's goofy, but just looking at her makes me want to cry! I'll never be able to tell him how good the new song is that he composed, or congratulate him on a good day at work, or an A on an exam. It's all gone. I don't know how you can be so close to someone, and want to share their life, and then just end it all without giving them a chance to talk to you, or giving it a try to work it out...I didn't dream all of this! He was real and everything he did was real. It would be so much easier if he had been a gold-plated bastard, but he wasn't. He treated me the way a man should treat a woman right up until the end, and that's why it's so hard to take and I didn't see it coming. Even now I can't believe that he hasn't contacted me, and I have to keep reminding myself that he never will... I suppose you're right, kirkyswife...he wasn't as together as he seemed to be. There was something terribly broken somewhere that I couldn't see, or that he wouldn't let me see. I know there are more bad days ahead, but when it's like this, I wonder how I will get through the next few hours, let alone weeks or months...this is a BAD day...
honey2005 Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 I know how you feel. When my boyfriend broke up with me it was really unexpected. He was always so sweet and he told me that he would love me forever and that he always wanted to be with me. Then one day he just said it was over and not to talk to him again. It was really hard for me to accept and I kept trying to contact him, not wanting to believe it. At first he didn't want to talk to me, but then he said we could be friends ( I think that was out of pity). Then a few days ago I realized that he really didn't want to talk, and me just hanging on was making it so much harder. So I just stopped talking to him. He hasn't tried to contact me since, and that really hurts. But I guess it's for the best. Not much you can do when you're the one that's been dumped. I just want you to know I kind of understand how you feel. I'm sorry this had to happen to you, but you won't be sad forever. If he doesn't contact you, then he must not be the one. There's someone out there for you, and he'll show up when you least expect it.
Author KaiaMahina Posted June 28, 2004 Author Posted June 28, 2004 Thanks, Honey...You seem to know how weird and surreal it is to have someone be so close to you and gain the deepest emotional trust and then suddenly throw it back in your face with no warning. I made it through the weekend...angry that he could do this to me...betray my emotional trust like this, lie to me ("If we ever break up, it won't be because I leave you," he told me), make a home for me in his heart and then just turn me out into the cold. And the way he did it...on the TELEPHONE?! I deserved better than that! And then to end it without letting me say one word by saying "Goodbye" and literally hanging up on me! All this hurt and anger and confusion and he won't accept any of it. I have been married before and when I was dating my ex-husband, he dumped me once. But he came to me IN PERSON and told me to my face, and told me his reasons, and let me talk to him before he left. (Obviously, we got back together and ended up getting married because he called me and told me he had been wrong.) But my ex-husband was more of a man at 18 years old than this guy is at 49! I spent the weekend pacing my apartment and telling him exactly what I think of him, which did no good, since it was only to the walls and served only to infuriate me all the more. Then last night it was crying uncontrollably again...this morning it's like I'm carrying a huge lead weight in my chest. A beautiful summer day, but it's wasted on me. It's not like I haven't been dumped before...I was once dumped by a guy on the same day that I received my credit card statement and saw that he had charged $30,000 on the card! Talk about devastation! (Yes, he eventually paid the $30,000.) He had dumped me once before and asked me back. And he has spent the last two years calling me and wanting me back! Another dumper called me after a week and wanted me back...stupidly, I went. Dumped me again and two years later wanted me back. It seems they never know what they have until it's gone...and when I'm gone, I'm gone, because I NEVER make contact when someone dumps me. Never. And unfortunately my past track record of dumpers realizing the error of their ways and calling me to tell me how miserable they are without me and that they've made a terrible mistake only makes me hope and wait that the same thing will happen here...but I don't think it will, somehow. Whatever I can say about the other dumpers, they at least had the guts to rectify things. I don't think this guy does. He has too much pride to admit when he's wrong. And I think there are other people sticking their noses into the situation, which I can't control. I have to forget it and move on, but this is the hardest one yet.
breezy Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Hey Kaia How was your weekend? Do you find the days getting any better? I am here for you if you ever need to talk, vent, cry, etc. I am actually doing very well. Just trying to keep my head up, stay strong and definitely trying to stay busy. I find myself going over situations, converstaions, etc a lot and then I have to stop myself from doing so. I cant drive myself crazy with the WHAT IF's. It does get better I promise. I have my good and bad moments.
Author KaiaMahina Posted June 29, 2004 Author Posted June 29, 2004 Hi, Breezy...Nice to hear from you and thanks for checking in with me! How long have you been broken up, and how are things progressing for you? Talk about nuts...I consulted a voodoo priestess (yep, in New Orleans) and asked her what I should do. She told me that I should not initiate contact with him and let it go for 3 - 4 weeks and then see what happens. She said that someone has been talking to him, and that some sudden changes are going to happen in his life which will cause him to make a decision about what he's going to do with his life. She said that he may then contact me about these changes. Well...that's as good an answer as any other, I suppose. The funny thing is, this woman last year predicted the return of a guy I was crazy about, but dumped because he wouldn't marry me. She warned that he would return and that she was afraid for me because I was probably going to fall for him again and that I would be hurt and my progress would be wasted. She said that a nice man would enter my life after that, someone who would never come to me empty-handed and with whom I would talk for hours on the phone. It all happened just like she said it would -- within 3 months, the ex I dumped came back, I fell for it, and was badly hurt again. And the nice guy that never came empty-handed and talked with me on the phone for hours is the one who just dumped me! I feel confident enough in her accuracy that I'll go along with her advice not to call, because I wouldn't anyway...but man, the things you do when you're so desperate! I haven't called, or emailed. I have NEVER made contact with anyone who ever dumped me. Somehow, I have no problem with cutting them off...no matter how much I still love them. So that's no struggle for me. He may have taken everything important away from me, but I won't throw my dignity after it. And I'm still messed up with the crazed, hysterical way he dumped me over the phone, and a comment that he made to the effect that "you don't have much of a life." My sister told me that was hitting below the belt and that remark would rule him out as far as she's concerned. I felt stunned when he said that, it was really kicking me when I was already down, and he's NEVER done anything that nasty before. So, sometimes I think about that, and I end up infuriated and wishing he would contact so that I can ream him a new one and get all this anger out... this is miserable, but I have to remember that HE is the one who has lost out and that somewhere he knows it, and take some satisfaction in that. Onward and upward.
breezy Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Its only been 2 weeks since we broke up. His story is because we both were going down different paths. Of course as I mentioned before, he has failed to realize that I was willing to wait and take things slow to see just exactlly where it was going. He heard the word marriage come out of my mouth and ran. Of course, he has been recently divorced and I do give him the credit for not wanting marriage or thinking about it, but he heard one thing and failed to realize the truth about how I was really feeling. And the more I think about it, why should I be with someone who is not ready for the same things in life that I am. So I am ready to settle down, find a husband, have children....why shoud I be punished for that or settle for someone who isn't sure? We have to find someone who is willing to want the same things in life we want and who are willing to work thru things instead of running from the problems. I started feeling like his insecurites became mine and when he started getting depressed about selling there dream home and learning how to live financially on his own, I started feeling let down. As if he could not support me (not financially but emotionally). I know relationships are hard, but we have to BOTH be willing to work through the problems together. I do believe that sometimes when we back off, give them there space and let them be and figure things out, that they can realize what they have lost. I don't keep in contact either. We have exchanged emails here and there but only to pick up things he has at the house, etc. I always make a point to keep it simple an to the point and not be around when he is around. I would rather not see him.
Author KaiaMahina Posted June 30, 2004 Author Posted June 30, 2004 Well, Breezy, it seems more and more like we're in a very similar boat! Only two weeks for you? But you seem so together, as though its been longer. Or perhaps you have a better perspective than I do. I agree -- why shouldn't you want marriage and children if you're ready for them? You've done YOUR work, and you need someone who has done HIS to reach that point in life. I, too, can understand that he might feel panicked at the mere mention of marriage at this point in his life, but running away before you even understand what you were saying and what your true intent was is pretty steep behavior. I can understand how you feel let down, and emotionally unsupported when he's having difficulty letting his old life go and striking out on a new one, which you hoped would be with you! Dream homes are usually just that...dreams. A real dream home is one in which you are happy with the one you love. I'm only on day 9 and have had absolutely no contact. I sent him a old photo which he had given to me because it was of him, a friend from teenage years, and his "loving" brother, and I know he would want it back. Not even a thank you for that. I didn't send it to generate a response, but still... I sat at the ocean last night with a good friend (male), who is going through hard times too and had a good talk. He suggested that if I really love him, and if I believe that he loves me (he kept saying he did even as he said goodbye) that I should take a chance and call him, not let pride get in the way. He said that he may be too frightened to call me. My reply was that since he dumped me, he knows that it's his obligation to call me, and if EGO (not pride, pride is something completely different) keeps him from doing so, then there's my answer. The way he dumped me was wrong. It was hurtful, ill-timed, hysterical, unilateral and he literally hung up on me at the end. That's NO way to let go someone you are engaged to. And the fact is that HE was the one who wanted marriage and badgered me until I said yes, and HE was the one who wanted to go look at rings. As with you, I wasn't pushing marriage. I never brought the subject up once. If he's man enough, he will look at what he did and call me no matter how frightened he is. He will know that rejection is a possibility, but if he wants to make this work badly enough, he'll take the chance. He'll put his ego aside and do what he has to do to have me back. If he can't do that...he's not the man for me. He's not much of a man at all, actually. If I were to call him and work things out, this situation would fester inside me and the first time we had trouble again, I would think "I had to call HIM when he was wrong to work things out!" This is damaged and he's the only one who can fix it, and if he doesn't want to, or can't, then he's not the one I've been waiting for. So I found some measure of peace in that, and can go on without being so anxious about whether he will contact. If he doesn't, I haven't lost anything that was worth having in the first place. Thanks again for your responses...you seem like such a calm and together woman!
Katlady Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 KaiaMahina and Breezy, It's doing me a lot of good reading your posts. I went from engaged and "you have to move in as soon as possible" to no contact from him (leaving me totally in limbo) to now he wants to go back to "Square One" and start over, all in the last 3 weeks. I know he's scared to death with everything he has going on, but why can't he understand I'd always be there for him? That I had his back and no one else ever did? Actually, I think him coming to rely on me is part of what scared him so much. (You can read my details under Coping (I think); it's the one about too many changes.) I'm not good at the no contact thing and am making myself crazy wanting to contact him but I'm not. He said he'd call last night and he didn't. Now I don't know what to do. Call him today? Email him? I know it's a positive sign that he wants us to date and we still have keys to each others' places (but we're respecting each others' space) and that he said he just needs to get centered again in his own life before he can share it with me 24/7, but this waiting is making me crazy. Thanks, both of you, for your posts. I'm so glad I found this site! Today is an anniversary of our first date and we celebrated every one. I know it's better to not remind him of that today so I need to stay strong!! I can do this!! Each of us can do this!! Be strong!!
breezy Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Its amazing how many people out there really do go through the same situations. And when we always think that we have it the worst and no one can understand what we are going thru...BOOM....someone out there speaks up and you listen to the exact same things that are running through our heads. I hate the no contact thing, but he was the one who wanted to end things, to "find" himself and regroup or whatever that is suppose to mean...so be it....I will let him be. I can't expect for him to miss me or think about things if I am constantly calling him or emailing him. The very little contact that we have had has been straight and to the point and that is on my part. Yes I am staying strong and doing very well I admit, but it still hurts very much for me to have to deal with this again and do go through the heartache and the starting over again. Its hard for me to adapt to a new routine without him. I want to pick up the phone and I want to say hello, etc, but its pointless. If and when he is ready, he will contact me. He knows I am not the type of person to hate or have bad feelings towards anyone - so with him knowing that, he will contact me one day. You girls stay strong, and I tell ya.....try and stay busy. I want to hate him for all the empty promises. I just cant figure out how you tell me you love me, want to move in with me and am happy one day and then the next.....you want to break up and find yourself. Its whatever......Here is the best email I ever got from someone and I read it all the time: There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell > you this! > > When people can walk away from you: let them walk. > > I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, > loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying > attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away > from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The > bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest > that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have > continued with us. [1 John 2:19] > > People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are > not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't > mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story > is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over > so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when > it's dead. > > You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got > the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. > It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever > God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much > sweat, I don't need it. > > Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! > If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was > never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!! > If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!! > If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your > worth...LET IT GO!!! > If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!! > If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT > GO!!! > If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT > GO!!! > If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or > talents...LET IT GO!!! > If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!! > If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!! > If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new > level in Him...LET IT GO!!! > If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...LET > IT GO!!! > If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help > themselves...LET IT GO!!! > If you're feeling depressed and stressed...LET IT GO!!! > If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling > yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need > to...LET IT GO!!! > Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new > thing for 2004!!! LET IT GO!!! Get Right or Get Left... think about it, > and then LET IT GO!!! > > "The Battle is the Lord's!"
Author KaiaMahina Posted July 1, 2004 Author Posted July 1, 2004 Greetings, Breezy and Katlady... First, Katlady...I read your original post under Coping and was astonished at how much you've gone through in such a short time period and are still standing strong and keeping your optimism! I actually don't understand the concept that he was going to "give" you your name on the house as a wedding present when it was YOUR money making the downpayment! Shouldn't it have been the other way around? If your money is there, your name is there from day one! Kat, be careful and go slow...I'm glad that you have had something of a reconciliation, but no matter what, you have to remember what you've gone through and realize it may only be the first time round. I was dumped twice by the same man...but at least the second time I wasn't surprised, because I no longer trusted him with my emotions from the first time...be careful, you're a great lady and you've sustained enough damage. I'm only at Day 10, but have decided to give up. I can barely eat because of the sad butterflies in my stomach, but at least I'm losing weight! I'm also walking and working out like I never did when I was with the ex. I look good and get compliments, which is nice...but still wish I was hearing just an "I love you" from him. As for coping...I'm not sitting home alone this holiday weekend while he's with his meddling family, and has the distraction of his daughter with him for the next three weeks. The ex before him, let's call him J., called me last week. I've seen him off and on on a friendly basis since I met the ex, and he has never stopped trying to get me into bed, but I was faithful. I actually dumped J. because he said we could never be married, and he liked living in separate towns! He expected that we would do this for the rest of our lives! After 18 months, I left him. Very nicely, in person, thanking him for everything wonderful that we had had together. Unlike how my ex dumped me. Anyway, I mourned J. for a YEAR solid. Kept hoping he would call and say, "I was wrong...let me buy you a ring and let's go get the license!" Nope. I went on antidepressants after losing him, and into therapy. I didn't eat and worked out and looked great, but I spent the weekends lying in bed. I had a series of dates that all went wrong and men disappeared on me like crazy. I think they knew my heart wasn't in it. After a year, J. called. I was ecstatic. We met, and spent an impassioned weekend having sex and arguing...well, it was ME arguing. He never argued or yelled at me, ever. But I was ballistic the whole time. Especially after finding some of his latest ex's stuff in his bathroom. He took me to the train station and looked straight at me and said, "I didn't call you to get back together with you." I ended up crying my heart out in public on a busy Boston street (the woman whose own family has never seen her cry!) and picking up all the pieces that I had glued together so carefully over a whole year. When next J. contacted me I was with the ex. I was happy, contented and relaxed. I was willing to be friends with J. because he's a great guy despite his inability to be emotionally intimate with any woman. He still wanted me and I told him he had had his chance that weekend and now I was with someone I was committed to. But that's all over. J. has invited me to his house for the weekend. I didn't tell him that the ex has broken the engagement...he doesn't need to know. I know what J.'s plans are, and I feel like...what the hell. He and I had unbelieveable chemistry and great passion (which I lacked for the ex, but loved him anyway because we were so emotionally intimate), and I'll always find him attractive. He was the best I ever had, and he says the same about me. I'm no longer committed elsewhere. J. has no girlfriend, and I've been cut loose, so there's no one to be hurt. The ironic part is that I left J. because I needed greater emotional intimacy, which the ex gave me...and I missed the physical passion lacking with the ex that J. gave me! When all is said and done, though, and if I had to choose, I would take the emotional over the physical...you can always work out something sexually, but the emotions have to be there from the beginning... So...I'm going to go "distract" myself from all this pain, because I'm heading into that dark area which is the beginning stages of losing hope. I can't do it again, the same way I did with J. -- lying on the couch in a bathrobe, crying uncontrollably, then being so angry that I throw and break things, and being able to function only at work because I have to keep a paycheck coming in. That year was the darkest of my life and I can't replay it now...especially since I've lost so much more this time. If the ex has distractions now, I need them more than he does. Any time he wants, he can call me and restore what he's lost. I would marry him tomorrow if he asked. I don't have that luxury. I hope I'm not doing something stupid, but I just can't face the weekend alone. I know we have to stay strong, Breezy and Katlady...and reading your posts help me do that. It's hard when you think you're the only one in this position. But I did read something interesting...apparently Venus (the planet of love) has been retrograde (appearing to move backwards in the sky) since May. This is what I read: "Many relationships have been stretched, some to breaking point, during this cycle <have you noticed?>. So will they get back together? The answer to that is simple. Yes, if they are ‘meant to be’. No relationship which was ‘meant to be’ ever broke up for the wrong reasons, or because Venus started going backwards. The Universe does not take away what two people have decided to commit to in their hearts. As the on going Venus/Pluto opposition will show us all, there is no force more powerful than two people who want to be together. Trying to stop that is futile. Jealousy and power games may be the order of the day as this powerful astrological link continues, but ultimately it will be the true of heart who win the day. " I don't know...something to hope for, I guess...but in the meantime, I'm taking Breezy's poem to heart and letting it GO.
Katlady Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 He called me! We had a great, light conversation last night; didn't talk about any of our issues and that was okay, because we laughed and chatted like old times and I think that's what he needs right now; he is going to let me know tonight if he'll attend a friend's picnic with me tomorrow. He was embarrassed about going but was really happy that I asked him, I could tell. I hope he'll go with me. But even if he doesn't, he doesn't want to go to the fireworks alone and said it would be fun together. Hey, it's a start!! He wanted to start over so here we are. I feel like a giddy school girl!! I hope everyone has a great and safe holiday weekend!!
Author KaiaMahina Posted July 6, 2004 Author Posted July 6, 2004 Katlady...you have posted exactly what I wish with all my heart that I could post! I'm so happy for you and I hope that everything went well! I had a nice weekend and finally came to the realization that I'm now totally over J. At last! I just looked at him and thought, THIS is what I spent a year of my life crying over?! This is what I thought I may still want while I was with the ex?! Something just clicked in my brain, and it was all over. I have no regrets now about dumping him 2 years ago, even though all I have had lately are regrets. The only regret remaining is that it took my ex dumping me to put me into a position to spend time with J. to figure all this out. Ironic, huh? It was a huge price to pay...I hope one day somehow it will end up being worth it.
snilljente Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 Thank God I ran into this thread....all of you women who have responded have given me hope and insight into my own current struggles with a man who chose to walk away, despite seeming like he thought I was the ONE. Although my heart is still breaking, I do feel more at peace having read your posts....You all seem so smart and in touch with your feelings...if you would like to respond to the other posts I have up..I am sure I could use more words of wisdom. Thanks@
wildturkey Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 Everyone here has been very thoughtful to each other here. Volatile reactions which lead to a sudden breakup of a relationship which had direction I think are due to the unability of the person to cope with the situation and communicate. It is the easy way out and a way to defend yourself. I know how you feel it happened to me and I thought I had all the good indicators. The important thing now is to stay focused in yourself and move on. Entertain yourself and go out in a healthy way. Someone here told me to cut my loses and move on. I have done that. The pain of separation is the fuel to make all of us stronger. Hearts will mend and time is the cure for that. I have not heard from my ex. There is no formula for the no-contact rule. I like it and I do not like it. I am more into communicating and attempting without becoming a pest to let other know I do want to communicate and fix the problem or at least find closure to it.
Author KaiaMahina Posted August 3, 2004 Author Posted August 3, 2004 I hit the 6 week mark yesterday, y'all. And ironically there was a luncheon for a co-worker who got engaged shortly before I did, and whose wedding is scheduled this month. I didn't attend. Was that being a "poor sport"? I don't care. The last thing I needed after a lost weekend composed of intermittent crying jags and belts of rum was to sit there grinning like a lunatic and listening to all the teary sentimental gushing over this woman's upcoming nuptials. If I looked sour grapes to anyone, or if anyone felt pity for me, tough s***. I'm taking care of myself during this ordeal. And that's my advice for anyone going through this process -- take care of YOURSELF first, because when push comes to shove, you're the only person you can totally rely on. Never betray yourself...there are plenty of other people out there willing to do it for you. My sister called me at work yesterday morning because she couldn't reach me all weekend. She told me that the one thing I have to process mentally and emotionally was that all the love and intimacy that I supposedly lost when this man walked away from me was not real. "If it was real," she said, "he would still be here. And once you can get that fixed in your mind, you'll be on the road to recovering from this." Yeah, it was like a knife through the heart to hear those words -- it was not real. But she's right. And coming from a woman who went through several heartwrenching episodes in her life, she probably knows what she's talking about. Snilljente...you said that you're dealing with the fallout of a man who chose to walk away despite thinking you were the one. Same thing here. And your explanation of that behavior is totally spot on as far as I can see. These men may really feel or know that you're the one, but they're too cowardly and fearful of hurt to do anything constructive about it. They push forward, pulling you into the vortex of their unstable emotional hurricane and when the fear level rises high enough, they leave you there. My ex was in the military and I realize that physical bravery and emotional courage are two different things. If he had behaved there as he did with me, he would have deserted under fire and left his comrades to die to save his own skin. That's precisely what he did to me. There's nothing to respect in that, and as a result I have no respect for him as a human being any longer. If I had done to someone what he did to me, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. I've been mourning all the good times with him, and all the positive things he gave me. But like my sister said, no matter how substantial it seemed then, it WAS NOT REAL. He told me when he left that he loves me. I told him, "If you loved me, you wouldn't do this." Same thing. Anything real prevails no matter what the odds. Anything real won't let your heart rest until you prevail. He wanted it to be real, and he made me believe that it was, but he's not here. He doesn't love me and what we had wasn't real, no matter how lovely it was. And as for no contact...I don't have a problem with it. I haven't heard one word from him since that day, and haven't received one email from him. Because he's a coward, without even the integrity to contact me to apologize for how he did what he did. He hasn't heard a word from me, and hasn't received any email or any other contact, because I owe him nothing. What do I have to say to him? My family and my friends have rallied around me and have taken care of me when I needed them. I realize how much other people love me and want me to be happy. They've shown their loyalty and they have my trust because they're always there, no matter what. He told me that if he died before I did, that he would "wait for me." Well, talk is cheap. And actions speak louder than words. What these other people feel for me is real. The only thing I lost when he walked away was a beautiful illusion. And if I want illusion, I'll go watch a movie. Six weeks on, and the going is a little easier. And it's definitely because of the people in my life who are real.
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