Cheating?

[HeavenOrHell]

A colleague of mine had an affair with a married man years ago, he'd omitted to mention he was married, and when she found out she was already head over heels, so she stayed with him, one thing her and I don't agree on is she said anyone is capable of cheating in the right circumstances and that we don't know how we'd react in certain circumstances, but I don't agree, not when it comes to cheating, I *know* I wouldn't cheat, or do the dirty on someone who is in a r/ship or married, I know many other people who wouldn't dream of it either. I couldn't live with myself.

 

Fair enough *she* herself was single, so it was the man doing the cheating in her case, but I couldn't continue if I knew he was cheating on her, my conscience wouldn't allow. I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't do that to anybody, I don't want to part of the deception.

 

I cheated on someone when I was young and naive, and was feeling unloved as he treated me as just a friend, which is no excuse, now I'm older and wiser I would not do it.

 

My feelings would fade pretty fast if he'd been keeping the truth from me, I wouldn't be able to trust him.

 

It niggles me that she doesn't believe me, but I think it's because she is trying to justify things for herself.

[HeavenOrHell]

I guess I must be the only one who knows I wouldn't cheat, oh great

[Bellechica]

Two years ago I would agree with you Heaven. I would most definitely say you are 100 percent right. There are many posters here who will agree with you, but I believe now, I agree with your colleague.

[Buck Turgidson]

Citing examples of previous cheating is no way to demonstrate that you're incapable of the act. Who are you trying to convince?

 

I'm pretty sure I'd never kill anyone, but I've never been put in a situation where I might need to. The military, for example, makes a profession out of turning ethical young men with consciences into killers.

 

You're pretty sure you'd never cheat again. That's admirable. But can you honestly say you know what to do if you ever met that one person who, despite your thinking you know all about love and relationships, in the space of one or two meetings, showed you what true sexual chemistry was really all about? Who you couldn't help desiring and longing for to the exclusion of all else? *shrug*

 

Just count the number of people on this board who come here after having cheated, who start their missives off with, "I never thought I'd do this in a million years." They thought then the way you think now.

 

It's not constructive to make claims like "I KNOW I'd never do it." It's not true: you don't know that; you've even done it before. It serves only to placate your conscience, to make you feel superior to others who have made that particular mistake, and to serve as a barrier to empathy when talking to them. If you start to truly believe that you're perfect in this area, you can never grow any further. It would be much better to have true self-knowledge, and acknowledge that you, and everyone, are capable of making mistakes.

[wow04]

I was in a loveless marriage and still didn't cheat. It didn't cross my mind.

 

I think some people know they just won't do it. I agree with Heaven on this one.

[HeavenOrHell]

I disagree, citing an example of how I used to be, but know I made a mistake and learned and changed from it is a very good example. I've never cheated since, 25 years or so on.

 

I cheated back then as I was young and immature, not quite so considerate of others, and I've grown up since then. I know my own mind now.

 

I know myself enough to know I wouldn't cheat, my conscience would not allow, I care too much about other people, most of my life is devoted to helping others, caring about how others feel, it would be completely against who I am to cheat.

 

When me and my current partner were just friends (long distance) and he still wanted his ex back a few months after their break up I said I'm going to back off as I don't want to cloud the issue, and he said there was no need as he knew they wouldn't get back together, but I cared about his ex enough to back off, even though I'd never met her, even though I was developing feelings for him, I care about how strangers feel, I care even more how people close to me feel, I would feel horrible cheating on someone, I wouldn't get any pleasure from it, all I would be thinking about was how I was hurting someone else.

I don't lie either, it's not one of my traits as an adult.

 

This doesn't mean I'm saying I'm perfect, I'm saying it's irritating when someone tells me something about me which is incorrect, especially if it is to justify their own behaviour.

 

If I had a problem with a partner to the extent I wanted to be with someone else, or have sex with someone else, then he deserves to know *before* I go ahead.

 

I've been in an LDR for over 2 years, it's been a huge rollercoaster r/ship, and trust me if I was going to cheat this would be the perfect situation to do it, he'd never find out after all, but I've no desire to cheat, even during the times when I've been unhappy, and felt neglected at times in our r/ship it hasn't occurred to me to cheat, I'd rather work on the r/ship than deal with it by having sex with someone else.

 

I *am* trustworthy and I always will be.

 

Same as I knew I would not have kids, and that I will never be religious, I will never eat meat again, that I will never be conventional, I will never smoke or drink, and will always be loyal to my friends and partner. I have solid traits, core ideals of mine which will never change, unless I have a personality transplant. I'm vegan because of compassion towards animals, so having a conscience and caring deeply about others is big part of who I am, cheating/deceiving someone would be the opposite of who I am and what I think and feel.

 

I'm not trying to convince anyone as such, except the person, (and anyone who believes the same thing), who told me anyone, including me, could cheat, I told her she was wrong in my case.

 

Many people wouldn't cheat even it were offered to them on a plate.

 

I don't think the military is a good example, I doubt there are many men who aren't affected deeply by killing others. They're being told what to do by our wonderful 'leaders', we however have free will when it comes to cheating, it's a totally different situation.

 

I already know what true sexual chemistry is, so for me that question is irrelevant.

 

I wouldn't have dreamed of cheating on my ex in the 18 years of our r/ship.

 

I have no need to look elsewhere anyway if I'm in a good r/ship, and like I said if things are so bad to the point of developing feelings for someone else, I'd end it with my partner.

 

The thought of cheating on my partner just makes me feel sad because I know how it would hurt him, that would come before all other feelings.

 

Maybe I know myself better than many people do then, if so many say they thought they'd never cheat and then do.

 

Me saying I'd never cheat again isn't meant to be constructive as such, it's just a way of saying to those who say things like; we're all capable of it, that actually they're wrong, what someone is saying when they say we're all capable of it is, that *they* are capable if it, and that's fine, what I'm saying is; just because you midget cheat, doesn't mean I will. Simple.

 

It would be pretty presumptive of someone who's never met me to tell me I'm capable of cheating. They know me better than I myself apparently, wow!

 

I don't feel superior to others, it's true I know I'd never do it again, I was empathic towards my bro when he cheated on his wife after 30 years, doesn't mean I condone it.

 

I've no need to placate my conscience, that's not the point.

 

I didn't say I'm not capable of making mistakes, but I've leant over the years which mistakes and behaviour I won't do again.

 

 

 

 

Citing examples of previous cheating is no way to demonstrate that you're incapable of the act. Who are you trying to convince?

 

I'm pretty sure I'd never kill anyone, but I've never been put in a situation where I might need to. The military, for example, makes a profession out of turning ethical young men with consciences into killers.

 

You're pretty sure you'd never cheat again. That's admirable. But can you honestly say you know what to do if you ever met that one person who, despite your thinking you know all about love and relationships, in the space of one or two meetings, showed you what true sexual chemistry was really all about? Who you couldn't help desiring and longing for to the exclusion of all else? *shrug*

 

Just count the number of people on this board who come here after having cheated, who start their missives off with, "I never thought I'd do this in a million years." They thought then the way you think now.

 

It's not constructive to make claims like "I KNOW I'd never do it." It's not true: you don't know that; you've even done it before. It serves only to placate your conscience, to make you feel superior to others who have made that particular mistake, and to serve as a barrier to empathy when talking to them. If you start to truly believe that you're perfect in this area, you can never grow any further. It would be much better to have true self-knowledge, and acknowledge that you, and everyone, are capable of making mistakes.

[HeavenOrHell]

I should add that the reason I said, for example, I'll never drink, is not because I feel I'm superior to anyone else, it's partly as I've see how ill it makes people and how it can destroy people's lives, I'm also lucky enough to be brought up in a pretty much non drinking house. This doesn't mean I judge people who have a drink problem, far from it, same as it riles me when people look down on homeless people, any one of us could be there, people often don't look at the reasons why someone is homeless, could be something simple as job loss or r/ship break up.

 

And my knowledge of the fact I won't cheat again had been reinforced by the fact my dad's been cheating on my mum for the last 25 years, with various prostitutes he fell in love/obsession with, it all took over his life, and I've seen what it's done to her, I also felt angry with the women involved as they all knew he was married, involved in the hiding and deception and sponging thousands from a foolish man, another reason I'd never do the dirty on a woman and cheat with her man, ugh

[bentnotbroken]

I did the cheat thing as a teenager and I feel that is were the behavior belongs....in the immature stages of life. All of my coping mechanisms aren't healthy either, but cheating isn't one of them. I'd rather eat crap, wait a minute.... I did that when Mr. Messy fed it to me.