amythan Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Hi, Despite my crush on the player I decided to give this guy a chance. He is perfect. He organizes dates, texts me and even if we met on a drunken night where I finished sleeping at his place, he made clear that he is not looking for sex only. So far so good even though I have many doubts. I do not see myself being madly in love with him. And I have never been in a relationship where I was not crazy about the guy. Anyway the problem is that this summer i am traveling for three weeks with my ex-bf (with whom I lived for nine years). We are very close friends but that's it. The new guy asked me about my plans ans i told him about the trip but I didn't mention the ex-bf. I didn't because I do not want to explain myself. There is nothing to hide but people sometimes are insecure or just do not understand being friends with an ex. Should I tell him ? Should I wait a bit and see how things go ?
d'Arthez Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 There is nothing to hide but people sometimes are insecure or just do not understand being friends with an ex. Then why do you hide it? Not wanting to explain yourself is hardly a reason. Are you afraid he'd misunderstand? Secretly still hoping that things work out with the ex? That is something he will wonder about, especially if you try to keep it a secret from him. Not telling is hiding. You need to understand that, before you can make a decision to tell or not tell.
Author amythan Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 My ex and I we are not going back together. The reasons why we broke up are impossible to be fixed. He is my best friend and I consider him my family. So no ambiguity. BUT i know he would wonder if there are unresolved feelings, expectations, if we sleep together ... and I am not sure I want to deal with this deep talk now. What it is sure that I am not going to cancel the trip. But I understand when you say that not telling is hiding ...
d'Arthez Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) My ex and I we are not going back together. The reasons why we broke up are impossible to be fixed. He is my best friend and I consider him my family. So no ambiguity. That is what you know. The new guy does not. And the longer you keep it from him, the more likely it is that he will think there is ambiguity, unresolved feelings etc. There is no easy answer to your question. The best answer may well be to consider things from his perspective, and see how comfortable you are with what would be likely to go through his mind. And take it from there. Edited May 13, 2012 by d'Arthez
Professor X Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Anyway the problem is that this summer i am traveling for three weeks with my ex-bf (with whom I lived for nine years). We are very close friends but that's it. The new guy asked me about my plans ans i told him about the trip but I didn't mention the ex-bf. I didn't because I do not want to explain myself. There is nothing to hide but people sometimes are insecure or just do not understand being friends with an ex. Should I tell him ? Should I wait a bit and see how things go ? You should tell him. If you tell him and it didn't work out between you two eventually than it did not matter. If you don't tell him and it didn't work than it also didn't matter. If you do tell him and it does work, no harm done. But what if things did work out between you two and you decided to keep it a secret? What's next? Keep hiding your ex'? And when he finds out you hid something from him, especially as big as going on a vacation just with a guy for 3 weeks, let alone an ex', you think he'll just be ok with that?? You're preparing a big drama scene in the future. You're making it to be a big deal by not telling him.
Joaquin Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Going on a holiday with your ex-bf and not telling the current boyfriend. Incredible!!! You don't seem to have any respect for the new guy, or possibly people in general. Suggest you break up with him as nicely as you can and find someone at your own level.
bean1 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Your ex of 9 years is your best friend? I don't think you are ever going to find a good partner who is going to be okay with that, sorry. That's not about insecurity or 'understanding', it's personal boundaries. The majority of people would not be okay with this, let him know so he can decide for himself. You're crossing a 'personal boundary' that most people would have so at least be honest up front.
Author amythan Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 He is not my boyfriend and we planned this trip ages ago. We are friends and he had been there for me every time i needed so I do not plan to give up on our friendship. I am sorry you think that when a couple breaks up they just should hate each other.
Joaquin Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 He is not my boyfriend and we planned this trip ages ago. We are friends and he had been there for me every time i needed so I do not plan to give up on our friendship. I am sorry you think that when a couple breaks up they just should hate each other. You should have gone for the player darling. You still wanna play.
bean1 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I am sorry you think that when a couple breaks up they just should hate each other. You certainly do not have to hate each other. I don't hate my ex, but I can be happy for him and his new wife from a distance without being his best friend or hell, even communicating with him. But you are being foolish if you think you will ever find a man who is serious about you and okay with you being best friends with a man you lived with in a relationship for 9 years. Keep your ex's friendship, that's fine, but do not fool yourself into thinking that anyone who would not be okay with that is 'insecure' or not 'understanding'. If you are "friends" with this new guy, at least give him the courtesy of telling him that your ex WILL be in your future no matter what, so he can decide whether or not he's okay with this. You will find that most men are not, and those who are, are probably too scared to lose you (despite not being okay with it) or, more likely, simply not serious about you as a partner. 4
Author amythan Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 @ bean1: I think it depends. I went out with someone for 4 years while in college and we are still extremely close friends. I see him every time I am back home, i was invited to his wedding, my ex of 9 years met him ... I do not think is about personal boundaries, it is about insecurity and do not trust your partner. These people were important in my life and still they are. We grew up together and we supported each other over a fair amount of time. I am lucky to have them as truly friends. But I think you are right about telling him. It makes it look worse than it is.
Author amythan Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 @joaquin: I went out with the player for a while, and he was awesome, hot and funny. But it was the nature of the game, not to last.
Joaquin Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 @joaquin: I went out with the player for a while, and he was awesome, hot and funny. But it was the nature of the game, not to last. That's cool, you were both playing by the same rules. No one gets hurt. We've all played at some point. You do seem to have an unhealthy emotional attachment to ex's, which in time will likely cause you to lose some good relationships. But you've got to learn it your own way I suppose. We all do. Do keep us posted how the new guy takes the news.
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 So far so good even though I have many doubts. I do not see myself being madly in love with him. And I have never been in a relationship where I was not crazy about the guy. ...... Should I tell him ? Should I wait a bit and see how things go ? I'd just break up with him, to be honest with you. If he doesn't ring your bells now, he never will.
Joaquin Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I'd just break up with him, to be honest with you. If he doesn't ring your bells now, he never will. True, if she was really into the new guy she wouldn't even be going on holiday with her ex. My first advise to break up with him holds.
Author amythan Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 I think Tara has a point here ... but the trip has nothing to do with me being madly in love with the new guy !
phineas Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I think Tara has a point here ... but the trip has nothing to do with me being madly in love with the new guy ! Then there should be no reason why you haven't mentioned who you are going on the trip with. Because there is nothing wrong with it. right? I'm willing to bet however if any guy you were seeing hid the fact he went on a 3 week trip with one of his ex's they would name the sheet storm that resulted from you finding out. Because "that's different".
Recommended Posts