DontWorryBHappy Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I never in a million years thought I would be on this section of LS. Yet, here I am. I met a guy a long while ago and at the time I was getting over a breakup. I was pretty devastated by that, so wasn't ready for a new relationship. The new guy I met was also single at the time, so we met up and had long talks and just spent time together when we could. He was a great distraction from the guy I was getting over... So because of all that we agreed to not try to start a relationship or date, but we still hung out and were intimate and all. I always thought that after we agreed to not make it serious, that I was just a fling to him. So one day I had decided to move away for a few months to stay with some family, and we stopped talking for a few months. One day during those few months I reached out to him because I was moving back to where he was soon and started to think about him. I ended up finding out that he liked me as MORE than a friend back then when we were hanging out, and I never knew it. He said he thought I had forgotten about him, and figured I found someone else. He also said that he now has a girlfriend of 2 and a half months. But that didn't stop him from rekindling some feelings with me. I have NEVER messed around with anyone in a committed relationship before and always thought it was so wrong. But his willingness to meet with me and the fact that I still liked him pushed me over the edge. I hung out with him last night, and he cheated on his girlfriend with me. I don't really expect him to leave his girlfriend.. he says he doesn't really end relationships, he sticks them out no matter what. But from the sound of it, this is definitely not his first time cheating in a relationship. I can't say I want a relationship with him because he obviously can't handle it. But I can't help liking him right now, and after spending time with him last night I feel sort of addicted and already tried coming up with excuses to talk to him. Kissing him was actually a million times better than it was the last time we hung out months ago, and I really have no idea why. We just clicked last night. It feels like a guilty pleasure. That being said, I think I should probably try to limit my time with him so I don't get too sucked in... I basically walked right into this knowing what I was doing. Thanks for listening.
pureinheart Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Please love, believe what he is telling you. Right now, it will be hard, although not as hard as it would be further on down the road to walk away. Just take care of yourself girl, and no matter what happens keep us updated...
Gentlegirl2 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 He's already told you that he's not going to leave his girlfriend. He's telling you right up front that he's happy to cheat and stay with her. As addictive as he is, would you really want him for yours, knowing that he will cheat. Please run like blazes in the opposite direction. You are already showing the signs of falling in love with him. Best wishes to you, GG
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 I know you all are right. And what's super lame is that I don't know for sure if I will stop seeing him. When I was over there I actually asked him why it is that he's content to cheat on his girlfriend. He said that he has issues trusting people and has been pretty jaded from past heartbreaks. He told me that his current girlfriend was really special to him in the beginning but over time she was slowly reminding him of his past girlfriends. At the same time he said he "can't see himself without her". Honestly I don't envy the girl. He did just cheat on her with me, and he can't ever erase that... So little does she know, she's kind of getting a bad deal right now. And this wasn't the kind of thing that we just fell into either. Once he found out that I still had some feelings for him before we met up last night, he was already heavily flirting and basically asking if I would like to meet up with him and be much more than just friendly. So the whole time he knew what he was doing... definitely wasn't something that "just happened" where you wake up and say "Oh no, what have I done?". I did think he had better character than that to cheat, but maybe I just didn't know him as well as I thought. Maybe I don't even know myself as well as I thought. I never thought I would be in this situation. He's not good boyfriend material from my observation, but he's awesome as a friend. I'd like to keep that, but I'm also really attracted because of our history and all. Tough tough tough.
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I know you all are right. And what's super lame is that I don't know for sure if I will stop seeing him. When I was over there I actually asked him why it is that he's content to cheat on his girlfriend. He said that he has issues trusting people and has been pretty jaded from past heartbreaks. He told me that his current girlfriend was really special to him in the beginning but over time she was slowly reminding him of his past girlfriends. At the same time he said he "can't see himself without her". Honestly I don't envy the girl. He did just cheat on her with me, and he can't ever erase that... So little does she know, she's kind of getting a bad deal right now. And this wasn't the kind of thing that we just fell into either. Once he found out that I still had some feelings for him before we met up last night, he was already heavily flirting and basically asking if I would like to meet up with him and be much more than just friendly. He's happy to plant his wet-nosed puppy between your legs - and he has the cheek to say HE has trust issues? Are you 'listening' to this?? So the whole time he knew what he was doing... definitely wasn't something that "just happened" where you wake up and say "Oh no, what have I done?". I did think he had better character than that to cheat, I believe it takes 2 'characters' to tango... there's tremendous personal power in the word 'No', you know...... but maybe I just didn't know him as well as I thought. Maybe I don't even know myself as well as I thought. I never thought I would be in this situation. He's not good boyfriend material from my observation, but he's awesome as a friend. I'd like to keep that, but I'm also really attracted because of our history and all. Tough tough tough. Friend? you have to be kidding me.... you are now officially, the other woman, and she is being cheated on - with your knowledge and happy co-operation. to my view, it's not 'Tough tough tough' at all. It should be walk, walk walk. as far away as you can. no-brainer. 1
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) Tara, I appreciate your post. I also did catch the part about him saying he has trust issues from past relationships, while thinking to myself that it was pretty ironic... I wonder if people with trust issues from being cheated on are more likely to become cheaters, or maybe he just cheats because that's who he would be either way? I'm not sure. And yeah, this isn't a shining moment for me as far as my values are concerned. I think the most disturbing thing to me was how lax he seemed about cheating. Who knows, maybe that was a front and he secretly is feeling totally guilty right now. But it didn't sound like it. Actually he said we could "hang out again" after he dropped me off at home the next day. Went about his day like normal... It was just odd because I know that if I ever cheated on anyone I would be racked with the most horrible feeling and would have to end the relationship immediately... Edited May 13, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy
spice4life Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 People with trust issues usually have them because they are doing exactly what they are accusing others of doing. There are two sides to the story and you are hearing it from the side of a man who obviously has no empathy what so ever about cheating. Huge red flag! Anyway, you probably won't listen because he has you sucked in already, but you should look at why you are attracted to him. I've learned that it is unresolved issues within a person that causes them to attract and be attracted to people who will end up treating them badly. This man will treat you badly eventually. I suggest you pull back now and take a look at yourself and figure out why you are opening yourself up to be involved in a situation that is going to burn you. Why do think you are doing that? That's the question. Good luck to you.
YellowShark Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Wow. Hate to break it to ya but you're just a "F" buddy. This guy is sleeping with two women and playing both of you like violins. It's a win win for him. He's betraying and lying to his girlfriend and you are eagerly "in the wings" to swoop in and polish his knob when his girlfriend isn't around. How romantic. Don't you see that reality? It's clear as day! 1
truthbetold Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 You claim that you can't help but like him. Yes, you can, it's called choices. You're making the choice to be involved with a cheater, own that. The reason the kissing feels much more this time, is because it is in essence forbidden. You know he's involved so it's a secret which ups the rush factor. It only "feels" addicting you still have the choice here to gather your self respect and tell yourself you're far better than to hang with a cheater. It's not the universe causing some uneartlhy pull, it's a choice. You realize people are faced with temptations? It's how you react to them that defines character. And of course if you give into a temptation at first it may feel really good because it's something your mind associates to the forbidden. And sometimes people will want what they can't have. But it's still a choice what you do with it. And many women can and do walk away from an attraction when that other person is committed. So when you end up in pain as you will in this situation that's your choice too.
YellowShark Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) You realize people are faced with temptations? It's how you react to them that defines character. Absolutely. DontWorryBHappy is clearly plan "B," the current girlfriend is Plan "A." And he is laughing all the way to the bedroom because he is lying and driving a bus over Plan "A" while Plan "B" just can't wait to jump on top of him when his girlfriend isn't around. A win win for him! And then he gaslights DontWorryBHappy - (AKA Plan "B") - that he has "trust issues" and the current girlfriend is somehow now tainted. Hahahaha! OMFG. What a ridiculous set of cliches! He told me that his current girlfriend was really special to him in the beginning but over time she was slowly reminding him of his past girlfriends. Over time? Huh? He's been dating her for 8 short weeks DontWorryBHappy for &^%$& sakes! You are soooo being played my Dear. Wake up. He's a creep using two women for easy sex and ego validation... and lying to both. Edited May 13, 2012 by YellowShark 1
spice4life Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 And then he gaslights DontWorryBHappy - (AKA Plan "B") - that he has "trust issues" and the current girlfriend is somehow now tainted. Hahahaha! OMFG. What a ridiculous set of cliches!* Quote:He told me that his current girlfriend**was really special to him**in the beginning but over time she was slowly reminding him of his past girlfriends. The bold stood out to me too. His gf's probably ended up disappoiinting him because he set it up that way throuugh his actions. He's definitely damaged goods, dwbh. The question is, why are you willing to drive past the huge red flags that are beating you in the face? It's an "internal" issue you need to figure out. If not now, you will need to eventually or the pattern will repeat itself.
SandieBeach Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I never in a million years thought I would be on this section of LS. Yet, here I am. I met a guy a long while ago and at the time I was getting over a breakup. I was pretty devastated by that, so wasn't ready for a new relationship. The new guy I met was also single at the time, so we met up and had long talks and just spent time together when we could. He was a great distraction from the guy I was getting over... So because of all that we agreed to not try to start a relationship or date, but we still hung out and were intimate and all. I always thought that after we agreed to not make it serious, that I was just a fling to him. So one day I had decided to move away for a few months to stay with some family, and we stopped talking for a few months. One day during those few months I reached out to him because I was moving back to where he was soon and started to think about him. I ended up finding out that he liked me as MORE than a friend back then when we were hanging out, and I never knew it. He said he thought I had forgotten about him, and figured I found someone else. He also said that he now has a girlfriend of 2 and a half months. But that didn't stop him from rekindling some feelings with me. I have NEVER messed around with anyone in a committed relationship before and always thought it was so wrong. But his willingness to meet with me and the fact that I still liked him pushed me over the edge. I hung out with him last night, and he cheated on his girlfriend with me. I don't really expect him to leave his girlfriend.. he says he doesn't really end relationships, he sticks them out no matter what. But from the sound of it, this is definitely not his first time cheating in a relationship. I can't say I want a relationship with him because he obviously can't handle it. But I can't help liking him right now, and after spending time with him last night I feel sort of addicted and already tried coming up with excuses to talk to him. Kissing him was actually a million times better than it was the last time we hung out months ago, and I really have no idea why. We just clicked last night. It feels like a guilty pleasure. That being said, I think I should probably try to limit my time with him so I don't get too sucked in... I basically walked right into this knowing what I was doing. Thanks for listening. I think it's natural to want what we can't have. When you had a prior arrangement (before you moved away), he was just a friend with benefits and you were ok with it. Now that he's taken, and desired by someone else, he may seem more of a catch to you. I agree with most posters here that you should listen to him and not get sucked in. a) he admitted that he's a conflict avoider, and b) he cheats on girlfriends. If somehow you end up with him, you will have to deal with a) and b) on a much more personal level. Another thing that I want to say, and that kind of goes with my first paragraph - I think you are confusing infatuation with some deeper feelings for him. If you think about it, you know about his serious shortcomings, and unless you love getting hurt, then how can you truly love someone who would potentially do this to you?
YellowShark Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 The bold stood out to me too. His gf's probably ended up disappoiinting him because he set it up that way throuugh his actions. He's definitely damaged goods, dwbh. The question is, why are you willing to drive past the huge red flags that are beating you in the face? It's an "internal" issue you need to figure out. If not now, you will need to eventually or the pattern will repeat itself. I am pretty sure his current girlfriend has no idea what's really going on. He is simply lying to DontWorryBHappy and painting the current girlfriend "black" to her. One of the oldest cheater plays in the handbook. If current girlfriend was so damn bad they have only been dating 8 weeks. He could easily say goodbye and go be with DontWorryBHappy. But he doesn't have to. The current girlfriend has no idea bout DontWorryBHappy and the cheating... and DontWorryBHappy sounds like she will do just about anything to screw this guy, even if he *has* a girlfriend. He's in heaven!
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 Thanks for the replies. I'd like to point out that I'm definitely smart enough to not even think about any "relationship" with him, even if he were to suddenly want that (which is highly unlikely I think). When he cheated with me (and yeah, it included sex) he actually said he's "done much worse" (meaning, in his past relationships). All I could think was, "What could be worse!?!?".... Apparently his girlfriend and him are in a "rough patch" which does sound like a load of crap. I mean any couple has their differences/up and down days. It's clear that he is comfortable with cheating on girls... he's done it more than once. He did say that he's hung out with other girls since dating his girlfriend but nothing ever happened between them, but with me he felt "comfortable". And yes, that meant comfortable enough to cheat with me! The only explanation for that is that it's easier to cheat on your girlfriend with a former friend with benefits than with any other girl. Because that line was already crossed. And if you're the type of person who's already prone to being a cheater.... game over. A few days have passed and my overwhelming urge to text him has luckily subsided. I've gone about my business talking to other people. No doubt he will contact me again to "hang out". Why is it that I still want to hang with him anyway? Something in my head is thinking, "Well his relationship is already messed up... guess he can just keep it messed up if he wants". And even if he only is into hanging with me for sex, he still has conversations with me, and dances with me, watches movies, etc. I actually do enjoy hanging with him, regardless of what his motive is. SO to be honest, I'm sort of using him too (for occasional company). I don't expect him to be in love with me, want to be with me, or really be an honorable individual... because he isn't. I guess I feel weirdly passive about the whole thing.. passive about ending it, not caught up in it either....
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