crazyaboutcrazy Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 My fiancee moved out after things had gotten very unhealthy between us,living together for 7 months of a year long relationship. My anger issues drove her away. I'm in therapy working on that now. We've stayed in contact and still spend a lot of time together, we go out to dinner, go drinking etc as if we were still dating, but without the intimacy. Whenever we get drunk she usually gets touchy/feely, holds my hand and sometimes starts to kiss me for a second before pulling back. She still has anger over the past which I think is holding her back/making her cautious. She has slept over a few times and we've held each other, I've given her massages but nothing sexual. She tells me she still loves me but also says she can't come back because she feels settled in her new place now. Is this simply neediness on both our parts? There is still attraction and love on both sides but maybe it's too late. But why do we both initiate outings so regularly if there's no future to it? When I've tried to pull back she kept contacting me, and this past week I've initiated seeing her every second day. The reason she fell in love with me was my kindness, apparently, and I'm focusing on showing her that it's still there by helping her out with day to day stuff and making sure she's eating well etc. Basically we are still in a co-dependant relationship. No Contact won't work. It could be argued that we need to give each other space, but neither if us have been able to so far. Will time heal all wounds and let us start over fresh?
hinatticus Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Sounds kinda like my situation except we have a kid involved and you sound like you are doing a lot more together. My anger drove my ex away but when we see each other it's all friendly and such(I gave her a massage too!). She's also thinking about going with me to my friends gig on the 24th. The reason my ex gave me for not jumping back into reconciliation is because she's scared of being hurt again. She doesn't fully trust me(maybe your ex doesn't trust you fully yet either). I don't blame her though. Change doesn't happen over night. Don't rush the reconciliation! I made that mistake. I'm reading all kinds of books(bought her a few too), and going to counseling. I'm sure she is seeing some results but she needs to be sure. Time needs to pass for that to happen and me not relapsing back into anger. You gotta do the same but give each other space too. Every book I've read plus many people here say give space. Seems to be working. You might have set backs but don't let that affect your progress. If your ex has any issues she needs to figure those out as well. Sounds like codependency issues. Good luck. I know it sucks.
Author crazyaboutcrazy Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 How did you rush things? It seems like balancing act between rushing and taking too long to fix things. Not the best odds but I've got to try...
hinatticus Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 We broke up last November and we "reconciled" 2 weeks later. I was honestly trying to better myself then. We went to couples counseling and I thought things were going great. In her mind she didn't see my changes cuz there wasn't enough time see them. I kInda got complacent with her as I focused all my energy on our son. She broke up with me again 3 months later and here I am now just focusing on me. It was crazy tho. We had a really nice Halloween and Xmas. There were a couple of relapses of my anger but nothing like before. I think she honestly needed to see a complete overhaul of my ways. That's what I've been working on since the middle of February. I can honestly say I've become a better man and have seen the serious errors in my ways. Still, more time needs to pass. I'm hoping eventually she will see my transformation. It really sucks but we gotta keep on keeping on. Hang in there and don't relapse into anger. There are other ways of communication. It's 50/50 tho. She needs to put in effort too. Try reading men are from mars, women are from Venus. And reconcilable differences. Those books alone have helped me out huge! Really good insights into the differences between men and women and relationships in general. Let me know how it goes. Chin up.
flitzanu Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 It kinda sounds like you're HER girlfriend now. She's not sleeping with you and not even kissing you, and she isn't giving any vocal signs of repairing your relationship. And my guess is, if you ask her right now where you stand, she will back down and say she isn't ready. That's your cue to stop being there for her 24/7 and stop letting her use you to fill her time if she has no intention of dating you again.
hinatticus Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I know it sounds that way but I've never been through a break up when a 21 month had been involved. Otherwise I'd just cut ties and move on. Remember, I'm a father and I f'd up bad. I want my family. I've had talks with people on here and they recommend being there for her, when my son's best interests are involved. It's tough distinguishing between being a good man/father and being a doormat. I'm still figuring it out.
hinatticus Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Fitz.. Was your comment directed at me or crazy? Sorry if I'm thread jacking.
flitzanu Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Fitz.. Was your comment directed at me or crazy? Sorry if I'm thread jacking. Originally for Crazy, but if you feel like you are her "girlfriend" and not boyfriend, then you may need to reevaluate what she is doing.
rAFC Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 They have a name for relationships that don't involve sex: friends.
Author crazyaboutcrazy Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 She moved back from another country for me so I feel responsible for supporting her to a degree, regardless of whether there's any romantic future there. I don't expect her to come back to me but I'd feel like a douchebag if I cut her off at this point. She didn't move out because she was bored with the relationship, she left because she was scared of me. The least I can do is try to repair that damage by being there for her in whatever capacity she needs.
flitzanu Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 She moved back from another country for me so I feel responsible for supporting her to a degree, regardless of whether there's any romantic future there. I don't expect her to come back to me but I'd feel like a douchebag if I cut her off at this point. She didn't move out because she was bored with the relationship, she left because she was scared of me. The least I can do is try to repair that damage by being there for her in whatever capacity she needs. as long as you're understanding that you're just being her friend, and her closeness is not indicating that she wants the relationship. unless of course you simply ask her. if she gives you the nonsense about "who knows what the future brings" that means "no". keep your guard up.
Author crazyaboutcrazy Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 I've never been friends after a break-up before, but a combination of guilt, loyalty and actually still enjoying her company has led me to make an exception in her case. Plus the fact that she's hot as hell doesn't hurt either! Worst case scenario, I can get her to help me meet new girls when we're out drinking... That being said, the true test will be how I handle it when she meets someone else, or vice versa. Time will tell.
flitzanu Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I've never been friends after a break-up before, but a combination of guilt, loyalty and actually still enjoying her company has led me to make an exception in her case. Plus the fact that she's hot as hell doesn't hurt either! Worst case scenario, I can get her to help me meet new girls when we're out drinking... That being said, the true test will be how I handle it when she meets someone else, or vice versa. Time will tell. you actually need to start thinking of that right now. without separating from her, you're not dealing with the breakup. scenario? tonight she ignores you, and you find out tomorrow that she went on a date. how do you feel? ready, go.
hinatticus Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I'll answer for him... He feels like total ass... 1
Author crazyaboutcrazy Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 It would hurt like hell, but at least I'd have closure. The friendship will be over for me at that point, which makes me pretty ****ty 'friend', but I'm shallow like that...
hinatticus Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Doesn't mean you're shallow. Just means you need to heal on your own. I cut all ties with my first love and other ex's as well. I still talk to my first love once every 6 blue moons and were friendly. In fact she saw me with my current ex and my kid at the grocery store and it was a good chat.
Author crazyaboutcrazy Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 The last times I've seen her I feel like crap afterwards, even though it was enjoyable at the time...a lot like drinking booze, really. Maybe making myself dissapear for month isn't such a bad idea after all.
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