alexandria35 Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 The OM? Oct-Nov, then again from Feb-to .... well, week before last. It is hard seeing him at school everyday. But, its not any harder than the reality of the situation. So, I just have to keep reminding myself his words mean nothing and I want to stop feeling this way. And no... I know I cant supress my emotions and desires forever. I just, I can look back to llike this past summer, before MM entered the picture. In May we bought a new house and from May-Septmeber life was going okay. We got along and I was enjoying the house and being in it with him. Then it was like MM came and BAM.... I pushed him off for about two weeks, but he was very persistent and of course said all the things i wanted to hear and made me feel a way that my H doesnt. So, i just caved. Thats why I get stuck-- I think about the times when I was fine with the live I was living and wonder if I can get to that place and stay there? As for the coach, you cant exactly press charges 13 years later. It was found out and statements were written back when it all happened. But my mom chose not to press charges at the time. He moved and I had to stay and start high school as the girl that "got everyone's favorite coach fired" (since most people didnt of course believe me). Regardless, I had been searching for closure and still had a gaping hole from this man i thought i loved who just left and never looked back--- so i went to the NBA game, with friends who knew me back in 8th grade, and i got down behind the bench and made sure hs saw me., Then called the next day. It was the most awkward, nerve-racking 15 minute phone conversation of my life. I had all these questions,but when it came down to ask them-- i couldnt, b.c they didnt matter anymore. Did he love me ? Did he think about me? Did he regret it? Who cares. of course he didnt. But the 12 year old in me always thought different. So, my therapist thinks he answered to 'gauge' how crazy i was. See, he moved out of state, then just came back this past year to coach with this team. So he probably wanted to make sure I wouldn't start any trouble up. Which I wont. I just wanted to talk to him. And I did. So yeah, like I said-- whole other story. I don't what the limitations are where you live, but where I live you most certainly can press charges 13 years later. There has been a rather sensational story here about a hockey coach who was coericing his very young players into sexual relations with him. When one of those boys grew up he came forward and pressed charges and several other major league hockey players came forward and validated his testimony. These boys were also around 12-14 years of age when it happened and were well into their twenties when they spoke up. The coach got off easy as far as most people were concerned but he did get sentenced to a few years in prison. 1
2sunny Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 The situation with your coach won't end in your head until you have a voice and speak your truth. That includes telling him how much he's negatively affected you since it happened. I don't agree with the questions you intended to ask - if it were me - I'd have firm statements to say to him about how it's affected you negatively since - based on what he did. It takes courage and strength - but I will pray you can do it.
standtall Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 (edited) I don't what the limitations are where you live, but where I live you most certainly can press charges 13 years later. Give it a break. It won't be easy for her either..emotionally or legally. It sounds like her mother did report it to the authorities, and maybe she might want to make sure that he isn't serially preying on other young women, but I would recommend that she not pursue her particular case. IMHO, this is a distraction to her current issue. Edited May 15, 2012 by standtall
drifter777 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Character Floss: a lot of what you said is true. And that has been what we've been going over in therapy. I still have a hard time looking at my coach as a 'bad person' or a pedophile. i still see the nice man who loved me, even as an adult. and it makes me sick, but its just hard to separate the two. Believe it or not, I made contact with this coach for the first time in 13 years about 3 weeks ago. He actually works for an NBA team now and I called the office and he spoke with me. But, that's a whole other story. The point is that I know that all affects my behavior today. I was never one to come out of my shell in high school or college, but after I did and that was the same time I met my H. But b/c i knew of this tendency to be attracted to unavailable, older men. I saw my H who was opposite those things and had a good relationship with him so it just made sense. I thought by marrying him that part of me that craved that unhealthy attention/need would go away. He would be enough. it hasn't been. And I know everyone says its selfish to be 'happy' and everyone leaves at the first sign of trouble. but I have been feeling this way 9 mos in and here I am 3 years later and still can't walk away if I'm not sure. I dont want to be selfish. And I wont keep hurting my H. I told him that yesterday. When i ask him what he wants he just says me and that he has moved on from everything. I know I'm just going over the same things. And no situation is alike. My next therapy appt. is in a week, so hopefully I can work more towards some answers on this. I just need to take some more time. Thank you for your responses. Many promiscuous men & women have some type of sexual abuse in their past. And let's be clear on this: a grown man seducing and having sex with a 12 year-old is sick. The man is a child molester, and you were molested. Whatever you remember about your state of mind at them time is clouded by time and your subconscious desire to re-live the incident in hopes of a different outcome. You need to focus on therapy, you know that. Defusing the emotional bomb you have been carrying around for all these years is going to take time, and your husband is likely to continue to get blown up again in the future. Innocent bystanders are always the tragic victims. I feel sorry for both of you. It's possible, although it pains me to say this, that going through therapy with your husband may be the best thing for you both. I say it pains me because I am a BH, and suggesting that you continue to put his heart at risk is something I see as very dangerous. I'm trying to look at this realistically without comparing your situation to mine because it is so different. There is a reason you were attracted to your husband and now choose to betray his love and kindness. You were hurt beyond your imagination by the pedophile who molested you. Now you are sick and in need of psychiatric help so you can stop the cycle of hurt you are trapped in. If your husband is willing to stay with you and work to reconcile your marriage then you owe it to him, and yourself, to do whatever it takes to get well and rebuild your relationship.
2sunny Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Did you tell your H you intended to call your molester? Did you tell him that you spoke to him after seeing the perpetrator?
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 My H knows about my past. But up until this past year he even made the comment like "I know you had a crush on your coach when you were 12 and all, but I dont see how that makes any difference." .... needless to say it wasn't until just recently that he started to understand the effect that ordeal has had on me as an adult. I am still figuring that out. But, he doesn't get it and I can't really expect him too since he ends up being hurt as a result. My H did know that I went to see him. And yes, I told him after the phone call as well. To which he was upset, because he immediately thought it would make me "better." So, he doesnt get why now after I've talked to him that things haven't started to get better.... or why I'm not sure about our M still. It's just, I've been thinking so much this week on everyone's responses to this.... all the advice and truths. I don't want to 'settle' or continue to hurt my H. I don't want to find myself in this same place a year, or 5 from now. I want to be in a place where (even if I am alone) I am happy with the person I am and the decisions I make. I don't know. Again, it's a process.
Furious Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 My H knows about my past. But up until this past year he even made the comment like "I know you had a crush on your coach when you were 12 and all, but I dont see how that makes any difference." .... needless to say it wasn't until just recently that he started to understand the effect that ordeal has had on me as an adult. I am still figuring that out. But, he doesn't get it and I can't really expect him too since he ends up being hurt as a result. My H did know that I went to see him. And yes, I told him after the phone call as well. To which he was upset, because he immediately thought it would make me "better." So, he doesnt get why now after I've talked to him that things haven't started to get better.... or why I'm not sure about our M still. It's just, I've been thinking so much this week on everyone's responses to this.... all the advice and truths. I don't want to 'settle' or continue to hurt my H. I don't want to find myself in this same place a year, or 5 from now. I want to be in a place where (even if I am alone) I am happy with the person I am and the decisions I make. I don't know. Again, it's a process. Dear: Greyhound There is something very beautiful and fragile inside you. You are a good person who is struggling. Reclaim the 12 year old innocent girl in you, love yourself again. You deserve to Love yourself first and I believe then you can love authentically and find the happiness you are searching for. ((((hugs))))))
2sunny Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 My H knows about my past. But up until this past year he even made the comment like "I know you had a crush on your coach when you were 12 and all, but I dont see how that makes any difference." .... needless to say it wasn't until just recently that he started to understand the effect that ordeal has had on me as an adult. I am still figuring that out. But, he doesn't get it and I can't really expect him too since he ends up being hurt as a result. My H did know that I went to see him. And yes, I told him after the phone call as well. To which he was upset, because he immediately thought it would make me "better." So, he doesnt get why now after I've talked to him that things haven't started to get better.... or why I'm not sure about our M still. It's just, I've been thinking so much this week on everyone's responses to this.... all the advice and truths. I don't want to 'settle' or continue to hurt my H. I don't want to find myself in this same place a year, or 5 from now. I want to be in a place where (even if I am alone) I am happy with the person I am and the decisions I make. I don't know. Again, it's a process. It takes letting go of the past after facing it head on... And empowering yourself by speaking your truth and having a voice. It can't be reconciled by "staying silent". Staying silent is handing all the power to the perpetrator - the coach.
Artie Lang Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 just don't gwet involved with ANYONE for now. heal yourself, first and foremost. you're no good to anyone, if you're not good with yourself.
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 thank you.. my therapist had me write a story giving it all the 'ending' i wanted. saying all the things i wanted to say or needed to say. apparently the men i've seeked out (all also coaches, same age, authoritative personalities).... is just me replaying the situation, but trying to take control and 'end' it the way i want. but, I know it doesnt work like that. its just, after the phone call... i was literally in shock and could barely say anything. he just kept saying how it was a rough time in his life and obviously he and his family (his wife stayed with him, and they have a kid now) took a long time to recover and move past it and it was a part of his past. he said he hoped i had moved on as well. he asked what i did for a living (ironically, what he did) and he even was like "is there anything you want to ask me? i'm sure you're looking for closure..." but I just, I couldn't. the only thing i said was, "did you ever think about me after? or wonder what happened to me?" he said if he was being honest, he didnt at first because he was trying to get past it all. but he hoped that i was happy. i just, i know i need to let it go finally. i said when i was 12 that i would talk to him again someday, and i finally did. but i have to stop. anyway. i have a therapy appt. Monday. thank you.
2sunny Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 thank you.. my therapist had me write a story giving it all the 'ending' i wanted. saying all the things i wanted to say or needed to say. apparently the men i've seeked out (all also coaches, same age, authoritative personalities).... is just me replaying the situation, but trying to take control and 'end' it the way i want. but, I know it doesnt work like that. its just, after the phone call... i was literally in shock and could barely say anything. he just kept saying how it was a rough time in his life and obviously he and his family (his wife stayed with him, and they have a kid now) took a long time to recover and move past it and it was a part of his past. he said he hoped i had moved on as well. he asked what i did for a living (ironically, what he did) and he even was like "is there anything you want to ask me? i'm sure you're looking for closure..." but I just, I couldn't. the only thing i said was, "did you ever think about me after? or wonder what happened to me?" he said if he was being honest, he didnt at first because he was trying to get past it all. but he hoped that i was happy. i just, i know i need to let it go finally. i said when i was 12 that i would talk to him again someday, and i finally did. but i have to stop. anyway. i have a therapy appt. Monday. thank you. My hope is that some day you can be honest with him and tell him how his crappy selfish, sick behavior negatively affected you YOUR WHOLE LIFE! 1
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 I'm back in a place where I am questioning things again. Mainly, what I should do. it was prompted by a night out with my H last night. My therapist at one point recommended us seeing each other every so often and talking to keep a connection, otherwise we may go complacent and just be okay with letting the marriage go. So, we do talk every now and then. Last night I asked him to hang out so we went to dinner. We then went back to our house and were going to play some board games or something fun. but, the conversation somehow took a turn and he was upset. He got mad again saying he didn't know how to act with me. that he feels like I am in the same place I was 3 months ago (I got my own apartment 3 months ago..) He doesn't get why I even took this step. I could just be living there and try to work on things. I told him it's healthier, because of the space we're not always screaming at each other or crying. That, it has allowed for space and hopefully clarity. But I was honest again and told him the last three months I have been trying to figure things out, but that I was in love with OM and getting through that on top of everything has been hard. I told him I realized how screwed up that is, that the sadness I was feeling is nothing compared to what I put him through. Which is part of why I don't see it working out. At this point, i can't fully trust myself to be back with him and know I won't cheat again. He just said, "it's not hard. just don't be an a-hole. Don't cheat." Right. I get that. I said it was something wrong or missing, if all it took was one comment form this OM/MM to make me completely disregard our marriage. It wasn't like I was setting out to hurt him, but something allowed it to be so easy for me to stray (yes, i made the choice, but still.) He keeps saying he wants the me back from before, and I told him I do too, but that I am changing. That people change a lot from 21-26 and I admitted to getting married to fast and too young. He just kept crying, then would ask why I am doing this to us. Why even bothering hanging out? I said I was being selfish in that way.... that he was a huge part of my life and still the person I did things with. I did miss that. But I keep thinking if we hang out that one day something will just click either, "i'll know I want to be married and work things out" or "I'll know that it's over and we need to move on." It's just so damn hard. And I'm at a loss right now.
SoulStorm Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 It is not fair to string your H along in hopes that "feelings" would come back. You have to make up in your mind what you want. True love looks out for the need of others. I think you are fond of your H, but you do not love him the way a wife should. You have too many issues that are unresolved. Your thinking is not healthy..therefore you cannot give your H a healthy relationship. He loves you, but the sad thing is you don't truly love him. If you did..you would let him go despite him wanting you to stay. I say that because even you don't trust yourself..even when he does trust you. The way you are going..you will continue to destroy this man til he just becomes a shell of a person.
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 but this man is trying so hard that it's impossible? its like I want to keep trying FOR him. especially after all I've done TO him. He called again yesterday for lunch, and brought me flowers. we went to a baseball game together then hung out and played a board game like old times. and we do have fun together. but is that a sign for me to keep my mind open towards fixing me and us? i asked him yesterday to go talk to the therapist alone, to get his feelings out and all. (he has no real other friends, just guys he coaches with, but no one he talks to or hangs out with, so i hate that he keeps everything inside). but he said he didnt need to talk to anyone. i just may wait until school is over in two weeks so the OM is out of sight completely. not being with him has been hard, but i know it is the right thing for everyone. i know my thoughts on some things, i just i was 'sure.'
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 I keep feeling like i'm in a place to tell my H that getting a divorce is what I want, but I've started to question myself when i see him. It's been almost 4 months since I got my own place. We said back when I left that at the 6 mos mark when my lease came up we would see where we stand and I'd move back in to work on us, or continue my lease and it'd be 6 mos towards the year you need to be separated for a divorce. i was talking to my mom last week after I had hung out with my H for lunch and I told him I just think it's time. But I want to KNOW. We had lunch, then took our dog for a walk at the park... and he went a different direction towards the end of the path to extend the walk and I remember thinking to myself "no, don't make it longer. i just want to go home." and we weren't fighting or anything, just walking. but, like, it was a moment of "id rather be in my apartment by myself then with him." i wanted that to be my 'ah-ha' moment and i think it was. we've gone a week since then, he called upset saying "he couldnt do this anymore....but he just can't be without me." and I said, "yeah but can you be with me and be unhappy, or be with me and I cheat on you again?" and he just gets quiet. The fact that he loves me so much through everything makes it harder. And I just feel so stupid and selfish, because he's done nothing wrong, really. People get divorced for reasons they cant control often times, or things people shouldnt put up with--- but this? Because I was too immature and didnt know what I wanted when I got married? It just doesn't seem like enough. just, tell me how do people ever know for sure it's the right thing? and how do i stop this feeling of awfulness every time i think i'm ready to tell him?
evryrozhasitsthorn Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I'm afraid people like you never KNOW anything. Your childhood trauma has seriously messed you up. I married a girl like you, and had three kids. If I had no kids, I'd be gone years ago. She is trying to change, but I doubt it's possible. I'll warn my son about girls like you and my wife to make certain he doesn't play the fool like I did.
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Wow that was super helpful and compassionate. Thanks.
evryrozhasitsthorn Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 OK, how's this? You probably had a dumbass for a daddy, right? It's not your fault you had an alcoholic, bi-polar daddy, and it wasn't his fault that he had a drug dealing, pimp for a daddy himself. So you've spent your twenties searching for the daddy you never had and all the time didn't realize that you were still emotionally stuck at the age of 12. So being married to a nice guy didn't work for you and you decided that screwing other guys would help fill the void in your whacked out emotional hurricane. Do your nice guy husband a favor and if he wants you, and you think you eventually want him, then just stay. Just don't tell him when you screw another guy because it IS too painful to be cheated on. I believe it truly is a case of what you don't know can't hurt you. You have to live with the guilt of being a cheater, and that's the way it should be. All cheaters should be the ones that live with the consequences, but when you admit your infidelity to your partner, then they have to live with it forever too, and in my opinion if you haven't contracted a disease (as some have mentioned), keep your mouth shut and live with your own guilt.
drifter777 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 The fact that he loves me so much through everything makes it harder. And I just feel so stupid and selfish, because he's done nothing wrong, really. People get divorced for reasons they cant control often times, or things people shouldnt put up with--- but this? Because I was too immature and didnt know what I wanted when I got married? It just doesn't seem like enough. just, tell me how do people ever know for sure it's the right thing? and how do i stop this feeling of awfulness every time i think i'm ready to tell him? Yes, I think your husband loves you but in light of this whole mess, it seems to be more of a sick, dependent love than a mature "let's do what's best for both of us" love. It also seems as though you are seeing things more clearly than he is. You know that you have been damaged and are working with a counselor to resolve the abuse you experienced. You also know that you should divorce to free both of you to pursue a new life. There is never a guarantee that the decisions you make in life are "the right thing to do", so you need to examine your feelings and do what you believe to best for you.
evryrozhasitsthorn Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Yes, I think your husband loves you but in light of this whole mess, it seems to be more of a sick, dependent love than a mature "let's do what's best for both of us" love. It also seems as though you are seeing things more clearly than he is. You know that you have been damaged and are working with a counselor to resolve the abuse you experienced. You also know that you should divorce to free both of you to pursue a new life. There is never a guarantee that the decisions you make in life are "the right thing to do", so you need to examine your feelings and do what you believe to best for you. Examine feelings? Really? Doing the right thing rarely feels good unless you just helped a little old lady across the street. Feelings are the worst possible way to make a wise decision. Not knowing how to act maturely in spite of feelings is what got this poor girl in trouble in the first place. Nice try though.
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 Actually my dad is a wonderful man. So, you're pretty much wrong in your psycho-analysis. It sounds like you're still really bitter and upset about whatever is happening with your wife and youre not really in a great place to advise. Sorry about your issues though. Drifter... thank you. I do know that he has an unhealthy attachment and I try to get him to see that part of it, and that he needs to love himself enough too, to know that he deserves better and should want better.
evryrozhasitsthorn Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Ya, sorry, I was just noticing that. Cheating sucks. Devastating. I don't think I'll ever be the same. Best of luck to you and your fella.
drifter777 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Drifter... thank you. I do know that he has an unhealthy attachment and I try to get him to see that part of it, and that he needs to love himself enough too, to know that he deserves better and should want better. His fear of abandonment and of being alone may be too strong for him to see things clearly. You probably need to push him out of the nest for his and your own good. He will be fine. You need to keep working on your own issues and your marriage is making that too hard - it's time to free yourself.
nofool4u Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 I decided to separate and got my own apartment about 2 months ago. He want to make it work if I do. He loves me. He is deluding himself. You KEEP cheating on him. Does he know about all of your cheating, or just the last one? I know that life can be good with him if I can chose him and be with him. I just, I feel like I'm happy for some time, then I so easily stray. Then you need to make the decision for him, the best decision and that is to divorce. He doesn't know whats good for him because I'm guessing he doesn't know everything and doesn't know that you feel like you could do this again. There are things missing that I can't make myself feel from him. Then enough said, set him free from you. But I made a commitment. And you pissed on that commitment by cheating on him. At least if you divorce he will be free.
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