Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 And some here encourage anyone posting to be honest. I am being honest. Completely. Otherwise what is the point? You seem to have misunderstood the comment or got confused? I was with him not this past Friday, but the Friday before (the 4th). My NC with him began recently when I told him I couldnt do it anymore this past Thursday (10th). So, no, I have no been with him since I said that. Again- I guess there was confusion. I would not seek out help and advice if I was just going to go back on everything. I truly am looking for guidance. Thank you to those who have offered that.
2sunny Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I am being honest. Completely. Otherwise what is the point? You seem to have misunderstood the comment or got confused? I was with him not this past Friday, but the Friday before (the 4th). My NC with him began recently when I told him I couldnt do it anymore this past Thursday (10th). So, no, I have no been with him since I said that. Again- I guess there was confusion. I would not seek out help and advice if I was just going to go back on everything. I truly am looking for guidance. Thank you to those who have offered that. Ok good work! Keep that promise to yourself. And if his W doesn't understand it was physical - are you willing to tell her? THAT honesty ought to keep him occupied for a while.
PeineDeCoeur Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I know. And to respond to another, I dont want to be cruel to him. From the very begginning he was the guy that everyone else who knew him wanted him to be happy cause he was the good guy who hadnt had a girlfriend in forever. so from the start, i was scared to death of breaking this guys heart. And well, through therapy we've come up with something I went through when I was 12 (pretty much had my 28yr old married coach start a relationship with me... i thought i was in "love" blah... blah... it came out,he got fired, i was a mess..) but moved on and was fine. had friends, boyfriends, went to college, got my masters, a career.... thought it hadnt effected me. but i have a strong attraction for older men in authoritative type positions, and situations that are 'unavailable' to repeat this cycle. or something. and i say this to say this doesn't by any means excuse my behavior in any way.... its just an explanation. But, I married my H because he was opposite all the wrong things I normally liked. He was the GOOD guy that put me first, that wasnt about the chase or the fun. So, he had all these qualities I knew were good (but, I didnt have that "in love feeling" though I did love him... ) I just figured all the other good things he did have outweighed those other things. Like sexual attraction and chemistry. The other things I thought would matter more. Then I strayed. And again. And I know it makes me a horrible person. And he deserves better, but he still wants me? So i need to stop being selfish and just let him go? Even if I'm still stuck on the part of me that did marry him and knew we did have something in at the start? I just dont know. And I want to do the right thing. Greyhound; If you were in this marriage 100%, your questions would be moot. It seems that you are trying very hard to convince yourself to give your marriage another try. I think you are on LS because you have grave doubts about whether another try will be successful. You may love your h, but that does not mean you make great marriage partners. If there is no chemistry, no sexual connection with him... don't settle. You will continue to look for what is missing. You need some time and space to get to really know yourself and learn what it is you want and need from someone. Your actions prove that your h is not it. No amount of counselling can make that happen. Stand up for what you know in your heart is true for you, regardless of the guilt you feel. 1
Artie Lang Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) Seeing him cry and hurt kills me and that's why it seems impossible to walk away knowing how much it hurts him. but you've already walked away. as soon as you "stepped-out" of your marriage, you turned your back on him. the only difference here, is that your conscience of the damage you've done-- concerning his hurt. if OM would've left his wife for you, you'd have no problem starting a new life with him because of the "fog" you'd be in. if you don't love any of these men, you have to take it upon yourself to walk away from both relationships.....for you own sanity. you must take control of your own life RIGHT NOW! you must stop being held hostage by the emotions being thrown out-- your husband "guilting" you into staying; and OM putting false "hopes" of a future in your head. you're in your mid-twenties.....go and live a new and healthy life-- meeting new people. what are you doing sitting around in an unfulfilling marriage, or entering into affairs with older men? the world is waiting for you. Edited May 14, 2012 by Artie Lang 1
wellwhynot Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Let him go, he deserves someone way better then you. Someone who wont turn him into a cuckold. You dont deserve happyness, your husband does, set him free. Everyone deserves happiness. 2
Furious Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Everyone deserves happiness. That's true..but at what price. If happiness is a purely selfish endeavor, then can anyone truly expect to be happy. Sometimes we must let go of the one's we care about, if we are hurting them, intentionally or unintentionally. Greyhound cares about her husband and she does not want to hurt him, she is not in love with him. Letting him go, allowing him, however painful it might be for him, is giving him a chance for happiness in the future. Many people are willing to grasp for happiness, regardless of the destruction their actions cause. Happiness is not simply about the me...it is about us, as a greater society in which humanity is based on. 5
wifehurtheart Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 In your original post you said that you want to "do the right thing." I think that if you are totally honest with yourself you know what the right thing is. It seems that you do love your husband, but not in a way that is going to sustain a loving and passionate marriage. You both deserve better, and you both deserve to be happy. You probably need to "do the right thing" and set both him and yourself free.
Bittersweetie Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Everyone deserves happiness. Everyone deserves happiness; but not at the expense of someone else's. 5
The Blue Knight Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Everyone deserves happiness; but not at the expense of someone else's. Frankly, I think we are a "happiness focused" society and it's created a enormous cost. I'm not talking about those who leave marriages because of legit issues. I'm talking about those who leave marriages for those times when happiness is fleeting not realizing that it happens to all of us. We no longer consider others or the greater good, but put ourselves first in just about every situation. The minute we don't "feel happy" we are allowed to seek happiness wherever we can find it. It's just part of the *me-me-me* movement we've watched gain more and more of a foothold over the past 30 or 40 years. 4
Owl Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Here's my thoughts. 1. You only ended the affair last week. You have no idea if you want to reconcile or not at this point. You're not sure what it is you want to happen as a result of all of this, so it's really 'too soon' to even give this much thought. 2. Regardless of your intentions to reconcile or not, the RIGHT thing to do is to ensure that your H and OM's W both have full knowledge and disclosure on what's gone on between you and OM, so that they get the chance to make up THEIR OWN minds on reconciliation or not, in light of the full and complete truth. 3. You need to not only work with your counselor on understanding WHY you've cheated twice, but what to do to change that going forward. 4. Once you've BOTH had some time to decide on what you want to do in the future (either as a married couple or divorce), THEN you can focus more on what steps to take to reach that goal. Right now...focus on full disclosure, NC if that's your choice, and set the stage for you and your H to both start healing personally while you (and your H seperately) decide whether there's enough left of your marriage to reconcile or not. 2
Character Floss Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 and adding something that I may have missed. In other words, if someone else has already brought this up, forgive me for missing it. Some have written, "Get help (therapy) so you don't do this again." I think that is misplaced. Your extra-marital sexual behavior is symptomatic, and not merely of some traits that need addressing so you don't continue this. My guess is that your H is not authoritative toward you; he does not have a bad-boy streak, a player streak or anything that exciting. Others said something similar but called it the lack of drama. Your coach did not start dating you; he molested you. The mix of hormones/chemicals/shaping of first experiences is fierce, long-lasting and deep. I have a close friend who while she knows it was molestation, when she was three, four, five and six, in spite of everything emotionally views those as the loving times, because he wasn't beating her or throwing her in front of an oncoming car as he later would. It's as bad as those darned geese imprinting on whoever they see at birth. You may also possess that blend of naivete and sexuality so common in such situations, which may be/have been extremely appealing to your H, whether he knew your background or not. If he was the shy guy without dates and you were that "hottie," he may have seen you as out of his league. So...while I agree with those who say, "BE HONEST WITH H and the BS of your OM so they can make up their minds," I also say the therapy you may need is about a lot more than infidelity. I bet that you are wounded, deeply, whether aware of it or not. It may be you want to face those parts of your story again, as an adult, with your H by your side; you may want to face them alone; you may choose to ignore them. I am asking you to be kind to yourself. Also, the behavior might be self-sabotaging by hurting something that may be good for you. Is it possible you feel you don't deserve a man who will be faithful to you, caring and not use you? OK, I have no PsyD and even if I did, I'm not sitting there with you. I'm a dad to a couple of abused girls (I'm the one who hotlined the perpetrator...my father) and the reality, damage and healing from sexual abuse are of more than passing interest to me as a result. I wish you the best.
Christine52 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 If you truly care about your husband, get better first, then reconnect once you are 100% committed to never cheating on him again. He deserves more than being cheated on, I'm sorry to say. 1
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Character Floss: a lot of what you said is true. And that has been what we've been going over in therapy. I still have a hard time looking at my coach as a 'bad person' or a pedophile. i still see the nice man who loved me, even as an adult. and it makes me sick, but its just hard to separate the two. Believe it or not, I made contact with this coach for the first time in 13 years about 3 weeks ago. He actually works for an NBA team now and I called the office and he spoke with me. But, that's a whole other story. The point is that I know that all affects my behavior today. I was never one to come out of my shell in high school or college, but after I did and that was the same time I met my H. But b/c i knew of this tendency to be attracted to unavailable, older men. I saw my H who was opposite those things and had a good relationship with him so it just made sense. I thought by marrying him that part of me that craved that unhealthy attention/need would go away. He would be enough. it hasn't been. And I know everyone says its selfish to be 'happy' and everyone leaves at the first sign of trouble. but I have been feeling this way 9 mos in and here I am 3 years later and still can't walk away if I'm not sure. I dont want to be selfish. And I wont keep hurting my H. I told him that yesterday. When i ask him what he wants he just says me and that he has moved on from everything. I know I'm just going over the same things. And no situation is alike. My next therapy appt. is in a week, so hopefully I can work more towards some answers on this. I just need to take some more time. Thank you for your responses.
Artie Lang Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 you can go to as many therapy sessions as you want, but the crux of your situation is that you're still seeing OM. even after the summer break, you will be in the same "slop" you were in. either he goes, or you do. you cannot make a decision to re-commit to your husband, as long as this OM is still in the picture-- NO WAY JOSE!
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Artie-- I know I can't figure out Me or my M with someone else in the picture. I told the OM last Thursday that I was done. And I am still holding strong. I can do this.
2sunny Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 What became of that phone call to the coach? Did you take some of your power back? It would normlly set things right if you expose him! Also press charges! He's NOT your friend! Understand that! Taking action is key - I'm sure you're not the only victim to his power play!
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Character Floss: a lot of what you said is true. And that has been what we've been going over in therapy. I still have a hard time looking at my coach as a 'bad person' or a pedophile. i still see the nice man who loved me, even as an adult. and it makes me sick, but its just hard to separate the two. Believe it or not, I made contact with this coach for the first time in 13 years about 3 weeks ago. He actually works for an NBA team now and I called the office and he spoke with me. But, that's a whole other story. The point is that I know that all affects my behavior today. I was never one to come out of my shell in high school or college, but after I did and that was the same time I met my H. But b/c i knew of this tendency to be attracted to unavailable, older men. I saw my H who was opposite those things and had a good relationship with him so it just made sense. I thought by marrying him that part of me that craved that unhealthy attention/need would go away. He would be enough. it hasn't been. And I know everyone says its selfish to be 'happy' and everyone leaves at the first sign of trouble. but I have been feeling this way 9 mos in and here I am 3 years later and still can't walk away if I'm not sure. I dont want to be selfish. And I wont keep hurting my H. I told him that yesterday. When i ask him what he wants he just says me and that he has moved on from everything. I know I'm just going over the same things. And no situation is alike. My next therapy appt. is in a week, so hopefully I can work more towards some answers on this. I just need to take some more time. Thank you for your responses. It just feels like your trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. Stop futzing around and let your H go. What do you hope to accomplish? Do you really think that you can just suppress all of your emotions and desires forever? You've already cheated on this guy twice. Let him move on and heal... let him find a woman that actually loves him. You are just dragging him through the crap and emotionally abusing him. I know you think that giving him a chance is maybe some noble thing... but it isn't... and you know this won't work.
Artie Lang Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I can do this. i hope so.....i really do. how long was this going on between you two, anyway?
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 (edited) The OM? Oct-Nov, then again from Feb-to .... well, week before last. It is hard seeing him at school everyday. But, its not any harder than the reality of the situation. So, I just have to keep reminding myself his words mean nothing and I want to stop feeling this way. And no... I know I cant supress my emotions and desires forever. I just, I can look back to llike this past summer, before MM entered the picture. In May we bought a new house and from May-Septmeber life was going okay. We got along and I was enjoying the house and being in it with him. Then it was like MM came and BAM.... I pushed him off for about two weeks, but he was very persistent and of course said all the things i wanted to hear and made me feel a way that my H doesnt. So, i just caved. Thats why I get stuck-- I think about the times when I was fine with the live I was living and wonder if I can get to that place and stay there? As for the coach, you cant exactly press charges 13 years later. It was found out and statements were written back when it all happened. But my mom chose not to press charges at the time. He moved and I had to stay and start high school as the girl that "got everyone's favorite coach fired" (since most people didnt of course believe me). Regardless, I had been searching for closure and still had a gaping hole from this man i thought i loved who just left and never looked back--- so i went to the NBA game, with friends who knew me back in 8th grade, and i got down behind the bench and made sure hs saw me., Then called the next day. It was the most awkward, nerve-racking 15 minute phone conversation of my life. I had all these questions,but when it came down to ask them-- i couldnt, b.c they didnt matter anymore. Did he love me ? Did he think about me? Did he regret it? Who cares. of course he didnt. But the 12 year old in me always thought different. So, my therapist thinks he answered to 'gauge' how crazy i was. See, he moved out of state, then just came back this past year to coach with this team. So he probably wanted to make sure I wouldn't start any trouble up. Which I wont. I just wanted to talk to him. And I did. So yeah, like I said-- whole other story. Edited May 15, 2012 by GreyhoundtoNowhere
Furious Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 You're MM, seems like a high risk taker. It's one thing that he's having an affair but to be having an affair with a co-worker, where he and his wife work at the same place just shouts ultimate creep. He gets off having both women he's sleeping with in the same building. This is a sick game he's playing. I feel sorry for you and his wife.
wifehurtheart Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 You've already cheated on this guy twice. Let him move on and heal... let him find a woman that actually loves him. You are just dragging him through the crap and emotionally abusing him. I know you think that giving him a chance is maybe some noble thing... but it isn't... and you know this won't work. Totally agree. Please don't think that you're doing him a favor by sticking around. You're not.
stillwater Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 And no... I know I cant supress my emotions and desires forever. I just, I can look back to llike this past summer, before MM entered the picture. In May we bought a new house and from May-Septmeber life was going okay. We got along and I was enjoying the house and being in it with him. Then it was like MM came and BAM.... I pushed him off for about two weeks, but he was very persistent and of course said all the things i wanted to hear and made me feel a way that my H doesnt. So, i just caved. Thats why I get stuck-- I think about the times when I was fine with the live I was living and wonder if I can get to that place and stay there? Is that really all you aspire to?
Artie Lang Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 it just seems to me that you'd be better off starting all over again. you have so many options here, but are only taking into account two-- 1) husband 2) OM. you don't seem very enthused about either of these. why go back to them, then?
frozensprouts Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 OP, your thread is very sad. It really sounds like you need to get to know and love yourself before you can really love anyone else. Would it possible for you to not be with your husband until you figure out who you are and what you want from life? That way, you'll have the space to do it and to make choices based upon what is really the right thing for you, not what you think is most "comfortable" in the short term?
Recommended Posts